Pain is inevitable

Pain is the inevitability of love. If you open your heart to someone, it is a huge possibility that it will be broken. That's just how it works. It sucks and the pain can really hurt deep and for a while, but it's part of the process. Trust me, I know a thing or two about it.

To be fair, my heart was only broken once. Since I've only been in love once, I think it balances out. Someone wise said that marriage is the closest thing to heaven and the closest thing to hell you will ever experience. I don't know for sure if that's true but I can imagine that being that close to someone could be a little like heaven and hell wrapped into one big messy ball of gush. Why are people in such a rush to walk down the aisle again?

Don't get me wrong, I want to get married and have that heaven/hell experience with the person that floats my boat just right. I just realize that I've never been in love with being in love. I don't want the romanticized version of it. I don't want the fairytale happy ending crap that is shoved down our throats. I deal in reality and it's a cold, cruel world out there waiting to shatter the fantasy of love and replace it with what it's really like to live with someone 24/7 and become one with them. It's not easy and everyone who thinks it is, is kidding themselves.

I am a product of divorce and that has always colored my views on marriage. I understand why my parents didn't stay together and I completely agree with the decision. I don't want the same thing for my family. My childhood was traumatic. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So I approach love with my eyes wide open. I'm not wearing rose colored glasses. I'm not dreaming of a knight coming to whisk me away. I'm not dreaming of finding the one person in the entire universe who makes me feel complete. Life is not a fantasy.

I want someone who loves me whether I'm having a good day or not. I want someone who can live with all my flaws and imperfections and love me in spite of that. It's not easy to find that kind of love. It's not easy to reciprocate that kind of love. But when you find it, that's what's real. You might get hurt in the process of searching for it, but when you find it, I hope you have more heaven than hell. And I hope you find new reasons each day to hold on to it forever.

Revising "The List"

I live in beautiful and rainy Seattle. It is a metropolitan of contradictions. We have the most beautiful natural scenery but it's hidden behind fog and clouds most of the year. We are home to some of the most caffeinated people on the planet but we boast high levels of depression. There is always some festival, art show, concert or sporting event going on but it is possible to live here for years without making a connection with people. There are a number of good looking, educated black men here yet dating is long suffering. You get my point by now, so I will move on. This post is about the contradiction of having an eligible pool of black men to date and still not meeting anyone.

You ladies know dating does not rank high on my list of activities. For those of you who thought that might change with the new year, let me assure you it has not! I still loathe the process. More than the process of dating, I sincerely hate creating "the list." Yes, you know what I mean. The list of attributes, accomplishments and assets that we think guarantees a match made in heaven.

When I think of the list I created for my ideal mate many moons ago, I break out in hysterical laughter. It included height (I'm short so I wanted some one tall to give my children a chance), skin tone ( I love my chocolate brothers), athletic build (I'm a former cheerleader and I enjoy physical activity), well groomed (that requires no explanation) and a few other items that rarely ventured passed physical attraction.

As I matured I added things like enjoys movies, likes to cook, has a sense of humor, wants to travel, can enjoy great conversation and appreciate silence. My tastes went from being purely physical to include a number of personality traits. I would take my list out and edit it each year in hopes that the latest revision brought me closer to meeting my Mr. Right.

Once I started understanding my identity in Christ, I added some more spiritual sounding things such as, must love God, enjoys spending time in the Word, goes to church regularly. You know the routine. Before too long, I had a lengthy list of things I wanted in a man and began to pray over it just like I was taught at church. A funny thing happened. I knew a man who matched my checklist almost to the dime. We grew up together and no one could tell me I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with him. But, he didn't choose me. In my mind it didn't make sense because he was my list. Everything I had been taught said that once I found the things on my list it would work out.

I spent many nights crying, of course, and wondering what went wrong. Did I not match his list? Did I not add enough of the right things to my list? Did I fail to pray hard enough over my list? It was madness! After a few years of swearing off love and deciding to open my heart to it again, I have learned a few things. Checking items off your list does not guarantee relationship success. It can be a good starting point, I guess, but you need to have the right things on the list for it to matter in the first place.

For instance, many women want a man with a good job, education, his own home, etc. I know a few men in that category and they have no interest in having a relationship right now. So when women meet them, they are disappointed the happily ever after doesn't follow. Maybe they should have added "ready for a relationship" to the list!

I no longer have a list. Or, I should say not your typical list. I do have standards and expectations, as should everyone looking to trust someone else with their heart. It's just, my current list looks nothing like the previous versions. I have four simple requirements and I will not yield on any of them. They represent the core of who I am and a person who doesn't fit those four requirements can't possibly be good for me. Okay, I know you want to know. Here it is:

1. Loves God with his whole heart
2. Loves me like Christ loves the church
3. Loves life completely
4. Loves people deeply

That's it. If those four things are in place I believe we can have something to build on for years to come. So, what does your list look like? How has it changed over the years? I would love for you ladies to share with our readers. We're all single and in the same boat, so let's get through this thing together!