Beyond what I see

I am a planner. I plan everything. I plan my day, my week, my month, my meals, my play time, my wardrobe, my breaks and sometimes my reactions to certain events. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I feel that having a plan shields me from the chaos that is sure to accompany someone who grew up like I did. My childhood was tragic to say the least. Planning helped me cope and function on a semi-normal level. Now that I have graduated to adulthood, I find it hard to let go of my beloved coping mechanism.

My life is very stable and predictable today. I cannot tell the future but I can pretty much tell you what things will be like from day to day. I like the predictability of it all because it makes me feel safe. Safety is also something very important to me. Why do I tell you this? Because I am learning to trust that I don't have to have sight beyond what I see. I can trust God to do that for me. It's liberating, though difficult. I admit to fight Him every step of the way kicking and screaming. It's not that I want to have control as much as it is I want assurance that I won't get hurt. But is such an existence even possible? I know the answer to be no because hurting people hurt people. Hurting people are all around us. I was once a hurting person. I have no idea the number of people I hurt with my lack of trust and my general type-a personality. I didn't mean to hurt them, but most people don't mean to hurt others. It just kind of happens.

For the last few days I have been listening to a Yolanda Adams song that just won't leave my mind. I was absolutely in love with the song when it came out several years ago. I was at a point of transition in my life - leaving grad school and heading into the workforce - and it really ministered to me. I hadn't listened to it much since that point. Sunday, it rose in my spirit again. I had the CD packed away in storage and didn't want to dig it up so I logged onto iTunes and downloaded the song for $0.99. It was worth it trust me. But since then, I've been singing it and meditating on it. I'm not sure what exactly God is getting ready to do in my life but the words do something to me deep down. I'm sure my neighbors would be very happy for this phase to pass as I've listened to the song on constant repeat for three days. I'm sorry, but God is saying something to me and until I know what it is, I'll keep it on repeat and keep meditating.

The lyrics are pretty simple but profound. Here is the lady herself singing it.