sometimes i get scared

most people don't like to admit when they feel scared about something. we have a hate/hate relationship with fear that causes us to deny when things in life makes us scared despite the obviousness of our fear. i ain't got time for that. i admit where i am emotionally. sometimes i'm not quite sure. i admit that too. today, i'm admitting that sometimes i get scared.

my friends just had a baby. he's beautiful and he's a miracle and we couldn't be happier that he's here and healthy and a true bundle of joy. i spent yesterday afternoon holding him and cooing over him as he slept in my arms. i was thrilled. and i was scared.

sometimes i'm scared that i'll never know what that feels like. sometimes i'm scared that i'll never be a mother because i'm so far from being a wife. sometimes i'm scared that i'll spend the rest of my life alone. sometimes i'm scared that love doesn't want to find me -- it's not looking and it doesn't care to locate me. sometimes i'm scared that god decided that i didn't deserve love but he's not bothering to tell me. sometimes i'm really scared.

like i said, most people won't admit that to you. they walk around acting desperate because they are scared, but they don't want to admit it to themselves or anyone else. i know i'm not the only one that feels this way so i'll be big enough to share it so those people can accept they aren't alone either.

it's hard sometimes, believing beyond what you see. it's hard staying strong in your faith when you're waiting and waiting. it's hard sometimes trusting when it doesn't work out the first time or the second time or the third time or ....

today i wanted to give thanks for all the amazing things that are in my life. my friends, my family and my career. i'm thankful for the peace in my home and the freedom to do whatever i want and the ability to help people when i'm needed and the desire to extend myself and my talents and my resources to those i love and care about. i'm thankful that even when i feel alone and i'm tired of hugging the pillows at night and i'd rather be hugged by the man i love, i'm not depressed by the absence of love. i'm thankful that i've never turned to drugs or alcohol to fill the space that a relationship should occupy. i know there are many who can't say that.

the holiday season is one of the saddest times of the year. never are you more reminded of what you don't have than during the time between thanksgiving and new years. for the last two years i have thrown it out to the universe that i want to spend the holidays with my future in-laws. that has yet to happen. i am disappointed that it hasn't happened. i'm also scared that i may not see that day at all. i cried a little today. i didn't want to. i was driving to my friends house and just started bawling.

i am thankful for what i have and i am trusting to see the fulfillment of my heart's desire. but sometimes i get scared about it all.