this year i made a decision to be open to love. it's a simple thing to say but trust me it's no easy feat. we have a lot of things that interfere with our ability to be open to love. past relationships, past hurts, internal fears and lies, insecurities and sometimes just the obstacles of life can prevent us from being open. but i managed to be open to love and in seven months i have fallen in love and had my heart broken.
that wasn't exactly how i saw things going when i decided to be open to love back in december of 09. at 31, i felt like it was time for the "magic" to actually happen. i've certainly watched enough people my age and younger find what i desperately wanted. nothing could have convinced me back then that i wouldn't be successful. but alas, i'm seven months into the year, heading into the eighth month and still without love.
i did manage to find a wonderful man who was a great match for me. we shared the same vision, mission, passion and interests. not that we were clones of each other, but i could certainly be myself and he seemed to be attracted to all of that. it didn't happen right away. i mean, i certainly felt something -- not quite sure what to call it -- the night we met. i walked away feeling like i had just met someone i wanted to be in my life. but we went out, hung out and got to know each other. he made me laugh, he danced with me, he engaged my mind and i genuinely enjoyed being in his company.
it wasn't all roses by any means, but i was happy. i'm a generally happy person and i love life, being with him added to that. several people told me i was glowing and that i seemed happier. but in the end he broke my heart. after seven months of getting to know him and spending time with him, i walk away empty handed. i have mixed emotions about that. i don't regret being open. but i'm seriously tired of being empty handed.
that is my frustration with the process of "finding" love. everyone tells you it's out there and you want to believe that it is because of course there is someone who will add to your life and love you the way you love them. we weren't created to be alone and as a christian, i've always believed that i had a helpmate out there somewhere. i don't believe in one perfect soul mate but i do believe that it's rare to find someone that "gets" you the way he seemed to get me. it's disappointing and frustrating and the ultimate suckage. i thought he was my 42. (if you're not a geek, i'm sorry. i pity you and i advise you to look up the reference as i won't be educating you at this time.)
he wants to be my friend. why? because, in his words, i'm an awesome person and he enjoys being around me. of course i'm awesome! you aren't telling me anything i don't already know. but my question is why should i allow you access to me as a friend? i'm not of the belief that women and men can't be friends, but why would i want to continue to hang out with someone whom i found plenty of reasons to love but he doesn't seem able to say the same? doesn't sound like grounds for a good friendship. besides, i didn't date him for his friendship. i dated him because i thought we could have more than friendship. i was wrong.
so now i have 4 months left in this year (since august is a few days away) and i wonder if i'll be successful at achieving my goal. in a sense i was open to love and i managed to fall in love. but he didn't love me back and that amounts to failure. a lot can happen in a year and since the year isn't over maybe there are great things in store for me. i hope so because i'm seriously tired of being empty handed when it comes to love. why is it so hard?
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