stuck in the middle

i can use any number of words and phrases to describe precisely how i am feeling at this moment but only need four words to do the trick. i am completely and totally stuck in the middle. i can't say with any degree of certainty what the middle consist of but i can guarantee you i'm stuck there. and quite miserable about it.

i've lived in seattle for two years and love it. the place holds a kind of magic for me because it's the first place i've ever felt at home. i know that sounds crazy coming from a black girl born and raised in kansas city missouri - the heart of the country. yet, it's true. seattle gets me. i don't have to be anybody or anything other than myself. i can fly my geek flag with pride and reckless abandon because i'm surrounded by other geeks who do the same. i'm an avid outdoor girl and nature is proudly on display in all of its majestic splendor here. sometimes i cry as i look around and take it all in.

but there are some things in my life that are missing. this list is in no particular order: family, fulfilling career and love. i am really far away from my family. sure i've made friends that i like to think are close to family but the truth is they don't quite fill that void. some days, i don't feel like i receive from them as much as i give. it doesn't make them bad people at all, or bad friends for that matter. it is just apparent that we don't meet each others needs the same way. i'm always available to talk and help in any way i can but it seems like many of my friends are in places in their life where they need more than they can give. as a giver, i'm always down to do my part. but some days i need to be poured into and i'm not sure i've found a place for that just yet.

my career is really the heart of my stuckness. i've been working in my field for 8 years and i love what i do. technology and communications are my passions and how awesome is it that you get to work in the field that gives you such passion and pleasure? the problem lies in the fact that i'm not advancing right now. in fact, i'm rather bored. i'm not being challenged or engaged and it makes getting through my day to day as bad as watching paint dry. it just seems to suck all life right out of me. i've been trying to find ways to get excited and new projects to pitch but after two years of that, the well has run dry. i need change like i need air to breathe.

the love department is a huge conundrum of bad timing. i can't seem to get the timing thing right. i've met a man that i absolutely adore. and he has admitted to caring about me but he's not in a place where he can act on that right now. in my mind that amounts to nothingness. the admission of having feelings and caring means nothing. might as well have remained unsaid as far as i'm concerned. but it leaves me wondering, how do i manage to suck at love? it just shouldn't be this hard. you should be able to meet someone and connect with them and it should happen organically. but it doesn't seem to work that way and i'm exhausted by the prospects of more years of being stuck. i just want it to happen already!

i'm not all out frustrated with my life. there are some great things going on in my world that i wouldn't trade. but there are some key elements that seem stuck in limbo and i'm not sure what my plan of action should be to fix them. see, i'm a planner and i like having a plan. i also like to solve problems because i enjoy the challenge and the reward of knowing i fixed something that was broken. i just find it ironic that sometimes i lack the insight/clarity to fix the problems that hit home. i have no idea how to get unstuck and it's starting to bum me out. to quote the late great michael jackson, i'm stuck in the middle. can i get a little help here?