have you ever gotten tired of hearing men tell you how awesome you are? usually, we are supposed to love when someone dotes on us or recognizes us. i'm not talking overboard, but when someone genuinely shows appreciation for you, you are supposed to enjoy that. usually i do. but lately, i've grown tired of hearing men tell me how awesome i am. no really, i'm amazing and great and all that. thank you. thank you for the compliments. but why am i amazing and great and awesome and still single?
i can ask that question because i guarantee i get asked all the time. i tune it out more than i acknowledge it. it just gets old. do you think i would be single if i knew the answer to why i was single? of course not. i'd work hard to address that issue and rectify the situation. some people like being single. i don't. i want to be married. if i knew the answer, i'd be on my way to marriage.
as it is, i'm not technically close to marriage. i mean, anything can happen and i don't know the future. i could meet a man this weekend that turns out to be my husband 12 months from now. we don't know. and i can't say it's not likely because that would be saying i know the future. i don't. anything is possible. so, i'm not technically close to marriage. but i am tired of being told i'm amazing but not quite "it."
i do love the compliments. i do love being acknowledge and appreciated. it's not my driving motivation for doing the things i do. thankfully, i was just made this way and it's who i am. but i wonder sometimes why who i am isn't good enough? or, why who he is isn't good enough for me. am i really that special that it's practically an act of god for me to have love? well it is an act of god, as i believe marriage is created by god, but you know what i mean!
i'm battling through these feelings because i can't let them consume me and occupy my thoughts while i'm out living my life. too busy. too much to do. yet, i still seek answers.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
how do you know
i had prayer with my sisters and best friends tonight and we talked about clarity the need for direction. but we also talked about opportunities that are before us and how to know which opportunities are right for us. specifically, we talked about jobs. but i'm also curious about relationships. how do you know when something is right for you?
people talk about finding their dream job or their soul mate as if there is one perfect scenario that makes life magically awesome. so as we ponder new career opportunities, and continue our quest for love, how do we know when it's right if the magic isn't real? when it comes to love, i've thought i "knew" before and it didn't work out. that makes me a little more hesitant than i'd like to be. can i trust my gut? my instincts? my intuition? i believe i can. but i recognize that i'm not the only one doing the choosing.
i want to make great choices but i want to make right choices. the best choices for me and what i'm called to do. how do i do that? i'm not afraid to fail. i don't want to fail, but i'm not afraid of it happening. and i'm not afraid to be wrong. i was but not anymore. now i just want to be smart. guess i need to think on it some more.
people talk about finding their dream job or their soul mate as if there is one perfect scenario that makes life magically awesome. so as we ponder new career opportunities, and continue our quest for love, how do we know when it's right if the magic isn't real? when it comes to love, i've thought i "knew" before and it didn't work out. that makes me a little more hesitant than i'd like to be. can i trust my gut? my instincts? my intuition? i believe i can. but i recognize that i'm not the only one doing the choosing.
i want to make great choices but i want to make right choices. the best choices for me and what i'm called to do. how do i do that? i'm not afraid to fail. i don't want to fail, but i'm not afraid of it happening. and i'm not afraid to be wrong. i was but not anymore. now i just want to be smart. guess i need to think on it some more.
crazy dreams
when i asked for visitation in my dream that was not what i had in mind. sadly i can't remember most of it so i really don't know what to make of it. but i had strep throat or something that looked like strep throat. i had these white patches of ick all over my throat and tongue. and i didn't discover them until after i had kissed the guy i was with. at first i assumed it was a certain guy but now i'm not sure. don't know if that is important or not!
but after kissing and cuddling, the doorbell rang and we got out of bed. he went to get the door and i went to the bathroom. i started brushing my teeth and noticed the white stuff. so i told him i think i have strep throat and we better go get him checked out too. and a bunch of our friends were at the door because we were going hiking that morning. but i told them i had strep throat and to stay back. and that was the end of the dream. weird huh? or at least that was the end of what i remember. and to be honest, those pieces i do remember are fuzzy. i think that's what happened but at this point i can't be sure.
since it's completely strange, i'm going to chalk it up to just a crazy dream and nothing more. hopefully that's the truth. lol.
but after kissing and cuddling, the doorbell rang and we got out of bed. he went to get the door and i went to the bathroom. i started brushing my teeth and noticed the white stuff. so i told him i think i have strep throat and we better go get him checked out too. and a bunch of our friends were at the door because we were going hiking that morning. but i told them i had strep throat and to stay back. and that was the end of the dream. weird huh? or at least that was the end of what i remember. and to be honest, those pieces i do remember are fuzzy. i think that's what happened but at this point i can't be sure.
since it's completely strange, i'm going to chalk it up to just a crazy dream and nothing more. hopefully that's the truth. lol.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
highs and lows
today was a mix of emotional highs and emotional lows. let's start with the lows because i want to end on a good note.
today, i was terrified that love will be out of my reach. i listened to a radio show about relations between black men and woman and they asked the question why are so many black men single. i loved it because it addressed them rather than us, like so many articles, shows and books have. it talked about the equally high number of black men who are single and why that is.
one of the guys that called in was great but still single. and his reasons were that he was still looking. what is it that men are looking for? i mean really? it seems like they focus on stuff that doesn't really matter in the end and pass up the woman that would actually make the good wife. and that made me scared. what if no one ever chooses me? what if i never get married? i know, i went of the deep end and that's why i said it was an emotional low.
i recognize that i made huge mistakes in my last relationship. i didn't demand to be treated the way i should have. i allowed things that didn't line up with my relationship expectations or desires. and i had to ask myself why. i'm an adult and i take full responsibility for my actions. i know that my choices are what got me to where i am and no one else's. so armed with that truth i faced the real fear. i'm afraid that i won't be chosen. and that fear comes from never being chosen in the past.
some days i feel invisible when it comes to men. they never really see me and i don't know why. that hasn't stopped me from being true to myself and loving the skin i'm in, but it's not my desire to be alone - and i mean alone, not lonely. i want to be a wife and mother. i know i talk about it all the time on this blog. it's a huge part of my brain space. i can't help it. i'm almost 33 and i know that my good years are creeping by whether i want them to or not. i pictured this time with my husband, sharing adventures as we discovered the world around us together. i didn't picture it flying solo on those adventures. don't get me wrong, i have fun, but i don't actually want to do it alone.
today was a really bad day in this area. not everyday is like this and i take comfort in that. but when it hits, it hurts. what are men looking for and why don't they recognize it when they do see it? mothers love me. i've witnessed it many times. they know i'm going to take care of their son and grandbabies. they know i'm going to take care of home. and they know i'm about family and they won't ever have to worry about not being a part of our lives. so, why am i still single? there isn't a logical explanation for it.
educated, but not a snob. physically fit and active. family and community oriented. friendly and outgoing. compassionate and forgiving. financially okay and responsible. attractive. these are things people say about me. i'm not saying it to boast. other people see these traits in me. and they are important aspects of my character and personality. it seems they would be desirable things. and yet i'm single. the only thing i process is that i must be invisible to men. and the question then is why? why don't they see me? and when will that change? god and i talk about it all the time. well, mostly i'm crying my heart out and he's telling me to be patient and wait. when will this season end? i don't want to be giving birth in my 40s. that's not a good quality of life for me or the kids. this hurts. this was not a good day for that area of my life.
it's a good thing another big area showed promise. it was enough to lift my spirits and remind me that god is working and moving in my life. i had a phone interview for a position at the tech company where i really want to work. the interview went great and she said they would bring me in for a face to face in the next few weeks. i'm more than stoked about that because my goal is to start a new job next month. i've been in the same position for 3 years and nothing is going to change. time to spread my wings and fly away. i want to advance my career. i want to be challenged. i want to know what it's like to work hard and long to accomplish something that will affect millions of lives! i want to be rewarded for my hard work and diligence and not have it crapped on or be insulted and yelled at because someone didn't get there way. i'm ready for something new. and it looks very promising that i'm moving in that direction. oh how i hope and pray this is for me. something needs to work out because i've been sending up prayers for my friends, family and myself. and i'm more than ecstatic that god is working and moving on our behave.
so with that, i close out this post. hopefully on an emotional high. having a new job within reach is more than enough to send me off to happy dreams tonight. but i'm also praying for some dreams to address that other area. i need some clarity and i got a scripture about dreams. let's hope that means a visitation tonight.
today, i was terrified that love will be out of my reach. i listened to a radio show about relations between black men and woman and they asked the question why are so many black men single. i loved it because it addressed them rather than us, like so many articles, shows and books have. it talked about the equally high number of black men who are single and why that is.
one of the guys that called in was great but still single. and his reasons were that he was still looking. what is it that men are looking for? i mean really? it seems like they focus on stuff that doesn't really matter in the end and pass up the woman that would actually make the good wife. and that made me scared. what if no one ever chooses me? what if i never get married? i know, i went of the deep end and that's why i said it was an emotional low.
i recognize that i made huge mistakes in my last relationship. i didn't demand to be treated the way i should have. i allowed things that didn't line up with my relationship expectations or desires. and i had to ask myself why. i'm an adult and i take full responsibility for my actions. i know that my choices are what got me to where i am and no one else's. so armed with that truth i faced the real fear. i'm afraid that i won't be chosen. and that fear comes from never being chosen in the past.
some days i feel invisible when it comes to men. they never really see me and i don't know why. that hasn't stopped me from being true to myself and loving the skin i'm in, but it's not my desire to be alone - and i mean alone, not lonely. i want to be a wife and mother. i know i talk about it all the time on this blog. it's a huge part of my brain space. i can't help it. i'm almost 33 and i know that my good years are creeping by whether i want them to or not. i pictured this time with my husband, sharing adventures as we discovered the world around us together. i didn't picture it flying solo on those adventures. don't get me wrong, i have fun, but i don't actually want to do it alone.
today was a really bad day in this area. not everyday is like this and i take comfort in that. but when it hits, it hurts. what are men looking for and why don't they recognize it when they do see it? mothers love me. i've witnessed it many times. they know i'm going to take care of their son and grandbabies. they know i'm going to take care of home. and they know i'm about family and they won't ever have to worry about not being a part of our lives. so, why am i still single? there isn't a logical explanation for it.
educated, but not a snob. physically fit and active. family and community oriented. friendly and outgoing. compassionate and forgiving. financially okay and responsible. attractive. these are things people say about me. i'm not saying it to boast. other people see these traits in me. and they are important aspects of my character and personality. it seems they would be desirable things. and yet i'm single. the only thing i process is that i must be invisible to men. and the question then is why? why don't they see me? and when will that change? god and i talk about it all the time. well, mostly i'm crying my heart out and he's telling me to be patient and wait. when will this season end? i don't want to be giving birth in my 40s. that's not a good quality of life for me or the kids. this hurts. this was not a good day for that area of my life.
it's a good thing another big area showed promise. it was enough to lift my spirits and remind me that god is working and moving in my life. i had a phone interview for a position at the tech company where i really want to work. the interview went great and she said they would bring me in for a face to face in the next few weeks. i'm more than stoked about that because my goal is to start a new job next month. i've been in the same position for 3 years and nothing is going to change. time to spread my wings and fly away. i want to advance my career. i want to be challenged. i want to know what it's like to work hard and long to accomplish something that will affect millions of lives! i want to be rewarded for my hard work and diligence and not have it crapped on or be insulted and yelled at because someone didn't get there way. i'm ready for something new. and it looks very promising that i'm moving in that direction. oh how i hope and pray this is for me. something needs to work out because i've been sending up prayers for my friends, family and myself. and i'm more than ecstatic that god is working and moving on our behave.
so with that, i close out this post. hopefully on an emotional high. having a new job within reach is more than enough to send me off to happy dreams tonight. but i'm also praying for some dreams to address that other area. i need some clarity and i got a scripture about dreams. let's hope that means a visitation tonight.
Monday, June 13, 2011
this can't be my life
there is a popular website called f**k my life. i can't get down with that because my life is pretty awesome on most days. but there are some days where i'm just like, man this can't be my life. this can't be my reality. i mostly struggle with that in the area of love. how is it that love has become elusive? or exclusive. something that everyone can have but me? it doesn't make sense. and it's exhausting to still be having this conversation with God, myself, and my friends at this stage in life. it was supposed to be different.
we did everything right and at the end of the day that hasn't meant anything. why don't men get it together? why don't they recognize a good woman when they see one? why doesn't love just happen in real life like it does in the movies? i'm weary. i've grown weary and i'm not sure how much i can take. i'm not cut out for single life and i could understand if i'd never been single in my adult life. i could see needing a period of time to figure me out. but i know who i am. i know who God said i am. i know the woman i want to be five years from now. ten years from now. i know myself very well. that's why i can say tonight that i'm weary. and tired. and reaching out for hope when god has provided little.
what am i missing? what am i doing wrong? because this can't be the plan on purpose. a god who loves me as much as He does couldn't possible be okay with me feeling this miserable about the lack of love in my life. i'm a whole person. i'm not looking for someone to complete me. but i'm more than ready to meet someone i can build a life with. one that is greater than what i can do by myself. i want a family. why is that so damn hard?
this can't be my life.
we did everything right and at the end of the day that hasn't meant anything. why don't men get it together? why don't they recognize a good woman when they see one? why doesn't love just happen in real life like it does in the movies? i'm weary. i've grown weary and i'm not sure how much i can take. i'm not cut out for single life and i could understand if i'd never been single in my adult life. i could see needing a period of time to figure me out. but i know who i am. i know who God said i am. i know the woman i want to be five years from now. ten years from now. i know myself very well. that's why i can say tonight that i'm weary. and tired. and reaching out for hope when god has provided little.
what am i missing? what am i doing wrong? because this can't be the plan on purpose. a god who loves me as much as He does couldn't possible be okay with me feeling this miserable about the lack of love in my life. i'm a whole person. i'm not looking for someone to complete me. but i'm more than ready to meet someone i can build a life with. one that is greater than what i can do by myself. i want a family. why is that so damn hard?
this can't be my life.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
it's snowing pollen
my allergies are trying to do me in. it is raining pollen in seattle and i can't take it anymore. my nose is stuffed up completely. my eyes are red and itchy and watery, my ears are itching, and my face hurts. something has got to give. the allergy meds aren't working at all. ya girl is miserable.
but that aside, i had a great day. got to hang out with some cool peeps and enjoy some good food. life is short and sometimes we miss it by letting it pass us by. i'm trying to experience all that life throws my way. and if i'm as blessed as i believe i am, this pollen assault will not prevent me from enjoying life. but i am thinking i need to spend more time in doors over the next few days. this pollen isn't disappearing and my meds aren't cutting it.
but that aside, i had a great day. got to hang out with some cool peeps and enjoy some good food. life is short and sometimes we miss it by letting it pass us by. i'm trying to experience all that life throws my way. and if i'm as blessed as i believe i am, this pollen assault will not prevent me from enjoying life. but i am thinking i need to spend more time in doors over the next few days. this pollen isn't disappearing and my meds aren't cutting it.
pulling weeds
i spent several hours this morning pulling weeds from my garden. trust me when i tell you, that's back breaking work! if you've never gardened before, it's not for the faint of heart. i love it though. it's my therapy when i'm usually, losing it yeah. lol. sorry for the emotional roller coaster reference. pop culture just oozes out of me without even i'm not thinking about it.
but back to the weeds. it's crazy how deep some of those roots go. they are some stubborn little buggers. after weeding, i planted some tomato plants that i picked up at the farmers market this morning. as much as i hate the weather in seattle on most days, i love what my city has to offer. i'm working on accepting the weather as i settle in for the long haul. just hoping that my love life can start sprouting some fruit like the veggies in my garden! i have a green thumb for growing my own food, but i clearly need a green heart for growing love!
but back to the weeds. it's crazy how deep some of those roots go. they are some stubborn little buggers. after weeding, i planted some tomato plants that i picked up at the farmers market this morning. as much as i hate the weather in seattle on most days, i love what my city has to offer. i'm working on accepting the weather as i settle in for the long haul. just hoping that my love life can start sprouting some fruit like the veggies in my garden! i have a green thumb for growing my own food, but i clearly need a green heart for growing love!
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