highs and lows

today was a mix of emotional highs and emotional lows. let's start with the lows because i want to end on a good note.

today, i was terrified that love will be out of my reach. i listened to a radio show about relations between black men and woman and they asked the question why are so many black men single. i loved it because it addressed them rather than us, like so many articles, shows and books have. it talked about the equally high number of black men who are single and why that is.

one of the guys that called in was great but still single. and his reasons were that he was still looking. what is it that men are looking for? i mean really? it seems like they focus on stuff that doesn't really matter in the end and pass up the woman that would actually make the good wife. and that made me scared. what if no one ever chooses me? what if i never get married? i know, i went of the deep end and that's why i said it was an emotional low.

i recognize that i made huge mistakes in my last relationship. i didn't demand to be treated the way i should have. i allowed things that didn't line up with my relationship expectations or desires. and i had to ask myself why. i'm an adult and i take full responsibility for my actions. i know that my choices are what got me to where i am and no one else's. so armed with that truth i faced the real fear. i'm afraid that i won't be chosen. and that fear comes from never being chosen in the past.

some days i feel invisible when it comes to men. they never really see me and i don't know why. that hasn't stopped me from being true to myself and loving the skin i'm in, but it's not my desire to be alone - and i mean alone, not lonely. i want to be a wife and mother. i know i talk about it all the time on this blog. it's a huge part of my brain space. i can't help it. i'm almost 33 and i know that my good years are creeping by whether i want them to or not. i pictured this time with my husband, sharing adventures as we discovered the world around us together. i didn't picture it flying solo on those adventures. don't get me wrong, i have fun, but i don't actually want to do it alone.

today was a really bad day in this area. not everyday is like this and i take comfort in that. but when it hits, it hurts. what are men looking for and why don't they recognize it when they do see it? mothers love me. i've witnessed it many times. they know i'm going to take care of their son and grandbabies. they know i'm going to take care of home. and they know i'm about family and they won't ever have to worry about not being a part of our lives. so, why am i still single? there isn't a logical explanation for it.

educated, but not a snob. physically fit and active. family and community oriented. friendly and outgoing. compassionate and forgiving. financially okay and responsible. attractive. these are things people say about me. i'm not saying it to boast. other people see these traits in me. and they are important aspects of my character and personality. it seems they would be desirable things. and yet i'm single. the only thing i process is that i must be invisible to men. and the question then is why? why don't they see me? and when will that change? god and i talk about it all the time. well, mostly i'm crying my heart out and he's telling me to be patient and wait. when will this season end? i don't want to be giving birth in my 40s. that's not a good quality of life for me or the kids. this hurts. this was not a good day for that area of my life.

it's a good thing another big area showed promise. it was enough to lift my spirits and remind me that god is working and moving in my life. i had a phone interview for a position at the tech company where i really want to work. the interview went great and she said they would bring me in for a face to face in the next few weeks. i'm more than stoked about that because my goal is to start a new job next month. i've been in the same position for 3 years and nothing is going to change. time to spread my wings and fly away. i want to advance my career. i want to be challenged. i want to know what it's like to work hard and long to accomplish something that will affect millions of lives! i want to be rewarded for my hard work and diligence and not have it crapped on or be insulted and yelled at because someone didn't get there way. i'm ready for something new. and it looks very promising that i'm moving in that direction. oh how i hope and pray this is for me. something needs to work out because i've been sending up prayers for my friends, family and myself. and i'm more than ecstatic that god is working and moving on our behave.

so with that, i close out this post. hopefully on an emotional high. having a new job within reach is more than enough to send me off to happy dreams tonight. but i'm also praying for some dreams to address that other area. i need some clarity and i got a scripture about dreams. let's hope that means a visitation tonight.