i just had an epiphany of sorts. it's about my feelings and how i regularly let people get away with invalidating them. i'm not sure when i started this practice or how long and how deep the offenses, but it ends now.
my friend has been telling me for a few months in not so subtle ways that i keep putting other people's feelings ahead of mine. i've even blogged about it a few times. i'm not sure what i thought that meant - maybe i had a superiority complex and thought it made me a good person to be the feelings martyr. truth is, it has made me a coward in many ways.
some things should get a pass. sometimes we say and do things that make no sense and we really didn't mean it. of course that doesn't exempt us from making an apology, but i have found that i'm willing to let most things go. but i see that it's usually at my expense. you didn't mean to say something that would totally crush me or hurt me so that makes it okay. no we don't have to talk about it. i'm good. yes, i do that. why? because i don't want people to dislike me? because i don't like conflict? because i prefer to keep peace? because i don't want my words and actions to hurt others the way their words and actions have hurt me? maybe a little of all of the above.
time to grow up. my feelings actually do matter. and if you insist on disregarding them, you don't deserve a place in my life. and it's my responsibility to let you know when you've crossed the line. so many have crossed the line and i martyred myself for the sake of ... let's just say pride. but i'm over that. it ends now. and if it costs friendships or relationships, that's fine because it wasn't a healthy relationship anyway.
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