it's not you, it's me

i have come to the conclusion that i internalize way too much. when it comes to relationships, i tend to take a lot of responsibility for when things go wrong. i am very aware that i can be an "interesting" person to be in relationship with. just ask my family and friends! i imagine a romantic relationship would be in the same boat. i say imagine because, let's face it, i haven't had one to speak of so i'm going by the laws of common sense.

i have had a few friendships that ended badly over the years. actually, now that i think about it, it's really only been two friendships. both from college although one was undergrad and one was grad. i wonder where those ladies are and what they are up to from time to time but i don't think my life is necessarily missing something now that they are out of my life. but those two relationships taught me a thing or two about myself.

taking responsibility for one's actions is a cornerstone value of mine. maybe it's because i was raised in a single parent home by a mother who worked her ass off taking care of my brothers and i because my father just refused to take responsibility for his actions. a person who doesn't own up to what they have done gets no slack from me. so, when i mess up -- and i do on a regular -- i admit it. i believe that makes for a healthy me and a healthy relationship with others.

but there are times when i've taken responsibility for things that really weren't my doing. why? for the sake of keeping the peace? because i wanted to fix whatever was wrong? not really 100 percent sure why i do it but i'm willing to bet it has a lot to do with me thinking that i have so many flaws i have to be the cause of bad relationships.

the truth is, we are all flawed and just like i make mistakes, others do too. the other person might just as easily be the cause of the problem as i am. i know the saying, "it's not you it's me" has become a joke of sorts in the romantic relationship category but there is truth to it at times. sometimes the other person is just screwed up and no matter what you do, you can't overcome their issues. why automatically assume you're the one with the problem?

i am working on my issues on a regular basis. i happen to think i'm a good person and i would do anything for the people i love and care about. sometimes i hurt them unintentionally and sometimes i can be flat out bitchy when i don't want to be bothered. that definitely makes me human! yet, i've managed to cultivate amazing, lifelong friendships with amazing people. i guess it's part of the give and take of relationships. but some relationships are unhealthy or just not meant to be.

when you wake up and realize you are always taking responsibility for the things that go wrong in the relationship whether you are or not, or you give constantly and they take without end, it might be time for you to realize there is a problem. maybe they are right when they say, it's not you it's me.

you are the prototype

i recently had a guy friend ask me what kind of man i like. i know, you're thinking i laid out my list in great detail so he was clear about the exact kind of man i'm looking for, right? wrong. he asked the question and sadly i had no clear answer.

truth is, i'm still in the process of discovering what kind of man i want. i blame my lack of dating experience as the main culprit. but i also acknowledge that i'm still evolving as a woman and learning new things about myself. as i've gotten older i have come to realize some things aren't that big a deal to me and others are an absolute deal breaker!

at the heart of my man wish list are four simple things: love God, love me, love life, love people. but that can come in all kinds of packages! my friend's question made me realize i haven't decided on the packaging just yet. or at least, i thought i hadn't.

although my dating experience is limited, i've loved two men in my life. surprisingly, they are very similar. both are engineers, former marines, oldest children, patient, super geeky, funny, conversationalist and easy to be around. i know people say that we all have a "type" but until recently i didn't know i actually did.

i can say with complete honesty that both were hubby material to me, though i've no doubt i'd be happier with the most recent love interest. in fact, he's the one i was pretty sure was "the one". you know, the one you think was sent into your life because he was created just for you? okay, let's back up for a second. i don't believe in a soul mate by any means. i just wanted to make sure we were on the same page when i said "the one". honestly, i think the chemistry i have with him is stronger than any force i've ever felt with another human that i wasn't a, born related to or b, introduced to as a child.

i met him on a random night at a random event and i walked away saying to myself (don't laugh!!!) "i think i just met the man i'm going to marry!" it was crazy and irrational and insane. yet, that is exactly what i thought. so after all that has transpired between us, i sum up our relationship with the lyrics to a wonderful song by andre 3000.

i hope that you're the one but if not you're the prototype. if i don't spend the rest of my life with him -- and it's just as likely i won't as it is i will all things considered -- i can say with certainty i want someone like him. i want all the great things that make him so lovable as well as the chemistry that make him irresistible to me. so, if he can't be the one i spend the rest of my life loving, he can serve as the prototype!

what's right in front of you

have you ever heard someone say you can't see the forest for all the trees? it seems like an odd statement considering a forest is made up of trees but i guess what they are saying is that sometimes you focus on the individual components and ignore the big picture. i like to think i'm a big picture girl. i'm always looking down the road and thinking of how my actions today will determine my future. i guess you could say i'm stuck on seeing the forest while ignoring the individual trees.

i can't say which is better since i'm sure there is a lovely colloquialism that says the exact opposite and therefore proving the dominance of neither saying. but i do wonder, is it bad to always see the big picture. should you spend some moments enjoying the view of each tree? what value is gained from being able to see what is right in front of you?

my friends have been trying to get me to meet new guys since my "relationship" with my last interest didn't pan out. they insist there are great men out there just waiting to meet me. in actuality, i can't argue with that statement completely. yes, there are many men available in the area and yes some of them are actually looking for someone, but it all falls apart when it comes to the meeting process. is it because i fail to see what is right in front of me? are there decent guys in my life right now who are showing interest but i have yet to realize it?

i'm inclined to say no. of course i would notice if someone was trying to get my attention, right? i might be guilty of not sharing their interest but i'm not completely clueless. or at least i'd like to think i'm not clueless. i guess that remains to be seen.

come by accident, stay on purpose

i was trolling my facebook news feed when i read my cousin's status. it was intriguing enough to make me pause and think - is that was really what love should be? i know you're wondering what her status said so i'll share: i want a person who comes into my life by accident and stays on purpose.

not astrophysicist stuff but it's pretty profound to me. i guess because i'm always hearing people say i found love when i was least expecting it. which, by the way, sounds ridiculous to me because i don't ever go through a day without a level of expectation for the things i want. but maybe what they really mean is they expected love to find them, they just weren't actively seeking it. makes more sense to me and we'll just say that's what they really mean.

so, back to my cousin's statement. are we all really just going through life like ships passing each other in the night and hoping for chance encounters that bring that special someone into our lives? do we want someone to "accidentally" enter our space and discover by happenstance they are exactly what we've been expecting without expecting it forever?

i like to think i'm an intentional person. i intentionally get out to meet and mingle with people. i intentionally engage others in conversation. i intentionally cultivate relationships with people. is it possible that i've been doing things wrong all along? chances are things aren't stacked against me as there isn't anything wrong with being intentional. but i've had a few chance encounters with people who have added greatly to my life whether short-term or long-term. and there are others who have become a part of my life in a way i can only describe as fate. they were supposed to be there. i can't say at this time which is better: accidental encounter or kismet encounters.

either way, i have to agree that i want someone in my life who chooses to stay on purpose. particularly when we're discussing love. i don't want to love someone who doesn't want to be there. i want my love story to be a lifetime of love rather than the starter marriage type stuff that plaques society today.

however, he comes into my life, i just want him to love me on my good days, my bad days, my pretty days, my ugly days and all the days in-between.

stuck in the middle

i can use any number of words and phrases to describe precisely how i am feeling at this moment but only need four words to do the trick. i am completely and totally stuck in the middle. i can't say with any degree of certainty what the middle consist of but i can guarantee you i'm stuck there. and quite miserable about it.

i've lived in seattle for two years and love it. the place holds a kind of magic for me because it's the first place i've ever felt at home. i know that sounds crazy coming from a black girl born and raised in kansas city missouri - the heart of the country. yet, it's true. seattle gets me. i don't have to be anybody or anything other than myself. i can fly my geek flag with pride and reckless abandon because i'm surrounded by other geeks who do the same. i'm an avid outdoor girl and nature is proudly on display in all of its majestic splendor here. sometimes i cry as i look around and take it all in.

but there are some things in my life that are missing. this list is in no particular order: family, fulfilling career and love. i am really far away from my family. sure i've made friends that i like to think are close to family but the truth is they don't quite fill that void. some days, i don't feel like i receive from them as much as i give. it doesn't make them bad people at all, or bad friends for that matter. it is just apparent that we don't meet each others needs the same way. i'm always available to talk and help in any way i can but it seems like many of my friends are in places in their life where they need more than they can give. as a giver, i'm always down to do my part. but some days i need to be poured into and i'm not sure i've found a place for that just yet.

my career is really the heart of my stuckness. i've been working in my field for 8 years and i love what i do. technology and communications are my passions and how awesome is it that you get to work in the field that gives you such passion and pleasure? the problem lies in the fact that i'm not advancing right now. in fact, i'm rather bored. i'm not being challenged or engaged and it makes getting through my day to day as bad as watching paint dry. it just seems to suck all life right out of me. i've been trying to find ways to get excited and new projects to pitch but after two years of that, the well has run dry. i need change like i need air to breathe.

the love department is a huge conundrum of bad timing. i can't seem to get the timing thing right. i've met a man that i absolutely adore. and he has admitted to caring about me but he's not in a place where he can act on that right now. in my mind that amounts to nothingness. the admission of having feelings and caring means nothing. might as well have remained unsaid as far as i'm concerned. but it leaves me wondering, how do i manage to suck at love? it just shouldn't be this hard. you should be able to meet someone and connect with them and it should happen organically. but it doesn't seem to work that way and i'm exhausted by the prospects of more years of being stuck. i just want it to happen already!

i'm not all out frustrated with my life. there are some great things going on in my world that i wouldn't trade. but there are some key elements that seem stuck in limbo and i'm not sure what my plan of action should be to fix them. see, i'm a planner and i like having a plan. i also like to solve problems because i enjoy the challenge and the reward of knowing i fixed something that was broken. i just find it ironic that sometimes i lack the insight/clarity to fix the problems that hit home. i have no idea how to get unstuck and it's starting to bum me out. to quote the late great michael jackson, i'm stuck in the middle. can i get a little help here?

i knew i loved you before i met you

a lot of people are in love with the idea of being in love. i get it. love is like magical fairy dust that makes everything brighter, lovelier, more enjoyable. but i know that love can also make you miserable and angry. why? because when you love someone you love their good and their bad. or, at least you love their good while accepting their bad. the trade-off is supposed to be worth it in the end.

i won't argue with that. the right person can add so much to your life in positive ways that you can get through the hard times without walking away. i can only speak for myself but i have come to realize that i too am in love with an idea of the person i want. this man already has the key to my heart and only needs to materialize to unlock it. who is he?

i don't actually know who he is. i mean, i thought i did but you know, we can be wrong. but i'm waiting, patiently as i can, for the man that gets me. who understands that i'm not like other women. i like to be sexy but not really into the girlie thing. i enjoy sports and prefer action and scifi and cosplay for comic cons and read comic books and love to play video games. i volunteer all the time because giving back to my community is one of the most important things to me. i can grow my own food or catch it and cook it and keep a house. i read and write and dance and paint and live for time outdoors. i'm far more sensitive than people realize and my feelings do get hurt even if i don't show it.

i'm strong but want to be taken care of. i plan religiously but can enjoy being in the moment with the person that has my heart. i love to laugh and enjoy everything about life. i can appreciate the simple things and spending quality time together goes much farther than showering me with gifts. i'm fiercely loyal and even when i get angry i don't stay that way long. i'm quick to forgive and believe that walking in compassion and love is the best way for me to reflect my faith and belief in Christ. i know a lot but realize i don't have all the answers. i'm a natural cheerleader and no one will believe in you more than me. but most important, i want a love that lasts forever -- through good and bad, sickness and health, ups and downs, rich or poor. i have no desire to walk away and need that same commitment.

empty handed and frustrated

this year i made a decision to be open to love. it's a simple thing to say but trust me it's no easy feat. we have a lot of things that interfere with our ability to be open to love. past relationships, past hurts, internal fears and lies, insecurities and sometimes just the obstacles of life can prevent us from being open. but i managed to be open to love and in seven months i have fallen in love and had my heart broken.

that wasn't exactly how i saw things going when i decided to be open to love back in december of 09. at 31, i felt like it was time for the "magic" to actually happen. i've certainly watched enough people my age and younger find what i desperately wanted. nothing could have convinced me back then that i wouldn't be successful. but alas, i'm seven months into the year, heading into the eighth month and still without love.

i did manage to find a wonderful man who was a great match for me. we shared the same vision, mission, passion and interests. not that we were clones of each other, but i could certainly be myself and he seemed to be attracted to all of that. it didn't happen right away. i mean, i certainly felt something -- not quite sure what to call it -- the night we met. i walked away feeling like i had just met someone i wanted to be in my life. but we went out, hung out and got to know each other. he made me laugh, he danced with me, he engaged my mind and i genuinely enjoyed being in his company.

it wasn't all roses by any means, but i was happy. i'm a generally happy person and i love life, being with him added to that. several people told me i was glowing and that i seemed happier. but in the end he broke my heart. after seven months of getting to know him and spending time with him, i walk away empty handed. i have mixed emotions about that. i don't regret being open. but i'm seriously tired of being empty handed.

that is my frustration with the process of "finding" love. everyone tells you it's out there and you want to believe that it is because of course there is someone who will add to your life and love you the way you love them. we weren't created to be alone and as a christian, i've always believed that i had a helpmate out there somewhere. i don't believe in one perfect soul mate but i do believe that it's rare to find someone that "gets" you the way he seemed to get me. it's disappointing and frustrating and the ultimate suckage. i thought he was my 42. (if you're not a geek, i'm sorry. i pity you and i advise you to look up the reference as i won't be educating you at this time.)

he wants to be my friend. why? because, in his words, i'm an awesome person and he enjoys being around me. of course i'm awesome! you aren't telling me anything i don't already know. but my question is why should i allow you access to me as a friend? i'm not of the belief that women and men can't be friends, but why would i want to continue to hang out with someone whom i found plenty of reasons to love but he doesn't seem able to say the same? doesn't sound like grounds for a good friendship. besides, i didn't date him for his friendship. i dated him because i thought we could have more than friendship. i was wrong.

so now i have 4 months left in this year (since august is a few days away) and i wonder if i'll be successful at achieving my goal. in a sense i was open to love and i managed to fall in love. but he didn't love me back and that amounts to failure. a lot can happen in a year and since the year isn't over maybe there are great things in store for me. i hope so because i'm seriously tired of being empty handed when it comes to love. why is it so hard?