i don't care who gets you, i don't care what they don't see

let me start by saying i'm distressed that i keep missing my writing dates. sigh. not sure how i forgot yesterday. it was a busy day but i had down time! oh well, it's a new day and i'm taking care of the writing date now!

a while back i said that i was going to take some time to write about my feelings on being invisible. i won't start by saying i am an invisible woman. that's not exactly true. but honestly, i sometimes feel invisible to men. not all men, as my coca cola bottle figure guarantees i get "attention" from them. i mean invisible in the sense that it's always someone else in the group that gets the attention and i become the wing girl. it's been that way as long as i could remember. i was always too dark, too smart, not trendy, not cute, etc. it all boiled down to me not being "right." that realization haunted me throughout my teens and early adult years. it made me feel unpretty. unworthy. undesirable. you name it. there is a whole list of acceptable words to describe it. i was a rockstar in so many things (cheerleader, student leader, honor student, volunteer) but my self esteem was pretty low.

i'm not exactly sure when that changed to be honest. one day i looked in the mirror and said, that is one beautiful woman. i stopped believing that men not choosing me meant i wasn't beautiful. i realized that other things might be at play. so i started working on my attitude. i grew up in a less than ideal situation. it scarred me. when i started getting healed from those things, i started to experience joy. you can say what you want about therapy but i'll never regret getting counseling to work through the anger, betrayal, mistrust and hurt from my childhood. i'm not perfect now, but i'm definitely more whole, and by extension, better suited for marriage.

sadly, that didn't make men start knocking down my door. they still look, check me out, strike up conversation, but when they find that i'm not like other girls they back off. when i say i'm not like other girls, that doesn't mean i'm strange. i like science, history, politics, healthy debate, scifi/fantasy, comic books, action/adventure movies, outdoors activities, most sports, growing my own food, cooking, reading and being with family and friends. i think that makes me well rounded but as it turns out, it just makes me invisible to most men. i don't get it. but at this point in my life, i don't care anymore. some women are resolved to change so they can be whatever type of woman they need to be to catch a man. i'm only interested in being exactly who God created me to be. it has taken a while to arrive at this place, but i'm completely comfortable in my skin. i love me some me and i don't care who doesn't get me or who doesn't see.

there has been one man to date who actually saw me. it was like a light was shone on me when we met. after our first conversation he wanted to learn more. it was the first time in my adult life that i didn't feel invisible. it didn't work out but it was really nice to discover that i'm not invisible to all men. and when the time is right, i trust that the right man, the one who wants what i want, who's vision, passion and mission matches with mine, will find that spotlight shining on me and it will be all gravy. it's the one romantic aspiration you'll ever hear me utter. i want a fairytale ending to my love story. and i'm not ashamed to admit it!

jumbled bunch of emotions

trying to focus when you have things on your mind is a huge struggle. my mind is racing about a number of things that i'm trying to process and release to god. i know, if you release it to god you're not supposed to continue thinking about it right? easier said than done.

i'm desperately waiting to hear about some important decisions that must be made. i know in my heart that change is near, i can sense it but it's one of those things where you know the journey is continuing up the road and you have no clue what lies ahead. that's where i am. transition. things are changing. usually i believe change is good. heck, i know i need change like i need air to breath. but the last few years the change has been … interesting. some good. mostly just interesting. i don't know exactly what to make of it.

i'm a jumbled bunch of emotions some days because i'm overwhelmed by the weight of it all. other times i'm fine. it's weird. i try to maintain an even keel so to speak. i like being balanced. god has a plan for me. a plan to prosper me and bring me an expected end. i take comfort in that. but i don't want to be complacent in my waiting season as i know there is work i should be doing. he's always on the move which means i need to be as well.

today i changed my status to say heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me. why? because surrendering requires courage. to truly trust that god holds my times, thinks highly of me and wants to gift me with good gifts requires agreement from me. i don't want to fight his plan. i don't want to fight his will. i guess i'm just scared of what his plan is. i know what i would like for my life and what i desire. it's hard to let go of the plans you have to accept the plans god has. mostly because there is a price to be paid. and i don't know what the cost is.

i'm single and childless. the truth is i want to be married and start a family. i've enjoyed my single season. it's lasted a while. i'm just ready for it to be over. that doesn't seem to be like too much to ask. and yet, movement in that area seems nonexistent. what am i supposed to make of that? does god not want that for me? does he have other plans? do i really want what he wants if it doesn't include a family of my own? honestly, i don't. i want a family. some days it's all i think about. other days i'm okay while i wait for it to happen. as long as i believe it's going to happen. hence the jumbled emotions.

but it's not really something i talk about with people. some get it and some just don't. they've had a string of relationships that basically kept them from ever really having a single season. i've had one relationship. the rest of the time i've been flying solo. i'm over flying solo. it's pretty simple. it doesn't help that i had this crazy dream last night about that very thing. i only remember dreams that seem to have meaning - that are communicating something. i know what i would like it to be saying. not sure that's what it really means. something else to add to the answers needed list. it's a growing list. maybe i'm not still enough? maybe i'm not pressing in enough? maybe i'm not listening? i don't know. i just feel overwhelmed. so, it turns out that typing my thoughts out right now isn't helping. sigh. guess i'll do something else.

Recovering from vacation

I'm in the process of recovering from a weekend trip to Atlanta with my bestie. We had a great time hanging out but I wish we could do it more often. I'm definitely looking forward to more travel.

maybe it's just me

i'm kind of ticked at my friend right now. friendship allows you to have a falling out and still love each other. i'm thankful for that. but i'm also not at all happy about how things went down. my friend has consistently dismissed my feelings as if they don't matter and i've gotten to the point where i can't ignore it. it upsets me and makes me feel devalued. so how do you have that discussion without it getting out of hand or allowing more hurt to happen? i don't know. i'm trying to think through everything i want to say - angry and otherwise - so i can get my emotions under control during our conversation. i have a goal to not hurt people with the words i say, even when they are guilty of doing just that. i try very hard not to let someone else's actions affect how i behave. it can be hard but i don't want someone else changing who i am!

so i'm trying to formulate my thoughts so when we talk, it's clear that the actions are not appreciated and hurtful. but i want the anger and the hurt to be eased. i'm not naive and know that i'm hurt. but i'm always open to swift healing. some things i really just brush off. some things can't be brushed off. they must be addressed. and if they continue after the conversation, then i'm not sure what to do. a come to jesus meeting is supposed to solve everything! lol. and honestly, i want to focus on the positive. our come to jesus meeting will net results, whatever they may be.

Disappointed again

How many times does a person have to disappoint you before you lose faith in them? It's a question I've been asking myself off and on the last few months. Some days I feel we have already crossed that line and reached the point of no return. Other days I know it will be impossible to reach that point if I accept that people will inevitably let you down. That's what we do afterall. Try to do right and fail measurably. We aren't always failures, or at least we shouldn't be. But the sad truth is that we will disappoint. I know that. I should be able to accept disappointment from others and move on. But it sucks so hard!

It's worse when the disappoint comes after someone failed to keep a promise that was based on his or her own suggestion. I didn't ask you to volunteer to do that. You decided on your own. And now I'm trying not to cry or sulk because you let me down. We are all human and make mistakes. But damn it your word should mean something. Lately it hasn't inspires trust. Where do we go from here?

in due time

i have problems with being patient. i can't help it. i try so hard to wait but then my impatience takes over. recently, i've been working to practice patience. it's a virtue that we all need and honestly i really want to be a more patient person. as with every challenge that we put into the universe, i was tested. the test has been long and hard and many nights i wondered what the heck was wrong with me for asking to be more patient. but in due time ....

lately i've been enjoying the benefits of patience. i can't say i persevered without complaining but here i am walking in blessings while working out my patience. life just doesn't happen the way we want most of the time. we mess up, make mistakes and sometimes life works out differently. things happen! but in due time, we receive those things we work toward. we achieve our goals when we remain focused and, yes, practice patience. if what you see is not what you saw then what you see is temporary.

thank you for the things i did right

i think we tend to focus more than we should on the things we do wrong in life. we beat ourselves up for making mistakes, experiencing failure, disappointing ourselves and others and for not measuring up. we are our own worst critics. but what would happen if we became our best cheerleaders?

i was a cheerleader for 10 years so i know a thing or two about peeping up a team. i'm great at pepping up my friends and family when they need it. but sometimes i need the pepping up and no one is better able than me. because despite all the things i do wrong in the course of the day, i do many more things right. i make good choices most of the time. i take calculated risk that bring rewards. i say the right thing and i enjoy many successes.

so i'm going to take a few moments and say thank you God for all the victories i had today. thank you for all the things i got right.