let me start by saying i'm distressed that i keep missing my writing dates. sigh. not sure how i forgot yesterday. it was a busy day but i had down time! oh well, it's a new day and i'm taking care of the writing date now!
a while back i said that i was going to take some time to write about my feelings on being invisible. i won't start by saying i am an invisible woman. that's not exactly true. but honestly, i sometimes feel invisible to men. not all men, as my coca cola bottle figure guarantees i get "attention" from them. i mean invisible in the sense that it's always someone else in the group that gets the attention and i become the wing girl. it's been that way as long as i could remember. i was always too dark, too smart, not trendy, not cute, etc. it all boiled down to me not being "right." that realization haunted me throughout my teens and early adult years. it made me feel unpretty. unworthy. undesirable. you name it. there is a whole list of acceptable words to describe it. i was a rockstar in so many things (cheerleader, student leader, honor student, volunteer) but my self esteem was pretty low.
i'm not exactly sure when that changed to be honest. one day i looked in the mirror and said, that is one beautiful woman. i stopped believing that men not choosing me meant i wasn't beautiful. i realized that other things might be at play. so i started working on my attitude. i grew up in a less than ideal situation. it scarred me. when i started getting healed from those things, i started to experience joy. you can say what you want about therapy but i'll never regret getting counseling to work through the anger, betrayal, mistrust and hurt from my childhood. i'm not perfect now, but i'm definitely more whole, and by extension, better suited for marriage.
sadly, that didn't make men start knocking down my door. they still look, check me out, strike up conversation, but when they find that i'm not like other girls they back off. when i say i'm not like other girls, that doesn't mean i'm strange. i like science, history, politics, healthy debate, scifi/fantasy, comic books, action/adventure movies, outdoors activities, most sports, growing my own food, cooking, reading and being with family and friends. i think that makes me well rounded but as it turns out, it just makes me invisible to most men. i don't get it. but at this point in my life, i don't care anymore. some women are resolved to change so they can be whatever type of woman they need to be to catch a man. i'm only interested in being exactly who God created me to be. it has taken a while to arrive at this place, but i'm completely comfortable in my skin. i love me some me and i don't care who doesn't get me or who doesn't see.
there has been one man to date who actually saw me. it was like a light was shone on me when we met. after our first conversation he wanted to learn more. it was the first time in my adult life that i didn't feel invisible. it didn't work out but it was really nice to discover that i'm not invisible to all men. and when the time is right, i trust that the right man, the one who wants what i want, who's vision, passion and mission matches with mine, will find that spotlight shining on me and it will be all gravy. it's the one romantic aspiration you'll ever hear me utter. i want a fairytale ending to my love story. and i'm not ashamed to admit it!
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