jumbled bunch of emotions

trying to focus when you have things on your mind is a huge struggle. my mind is racing about a number of things that i'm trying to process and release to god. i know, if you release it to god you're not supposed to continue thinking about it right? easier said than done.

i'm desperately waiting to hear about some important decisions that must be made. i know in my heart that change is near, i can sense it but it's one of those things where you know the journey is continuing up the road and you have no clue what lies ahead. that's where i am. transition. things are changing. usually i believe change is good. heck, i know i need change like i need air to breath. but the last few years the change has been … interesting. some good. mostly just interesting. i don't know exactly what to make of it.

i'm a jumbled bunch of emotions some days because i'm overwhelmed by the weight of it all. other times i'm fine. it's weird. i try to maintain an even keel so to speak. i like being balanced. god has a plan for me. a plan to prosper me and bring me an expected end. i take comfort in that. but i don't want to be complacent in my waiting season as i know there is work i should be doing. he's always on the move which means i need to be as well.

today i changed my status to say heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me. why? because surrendering requires courage. to truly trust that god holds my times, thinks highly of me and wants to gift me with good gifts requires agreement from me. i don't want to fight his plan. i don't want to fight his will. i guess i'm just scared of what his plan is. i know what i would like for my life and what i desire. it's hard to let go of the plans you have to accept the plans god has. mostly because there is a price to be paid. and i don't know what the cost is.

i'm single and childless. the truth is i want to be married and start a family. i've enjoyed my single season. it's lasted a while. i'm just ready for it to be over. that doesn't seem to be like too much to ask. and yet, movement in that area seems nonexistent. what am i supposed to make of that? does god not want that for me? does he have other plans? do i really want what he wants if it doesn't include a family of my own? honestly, i don't. i want a family. some days it's all i think about. other days i'm okay while i wait for it to happen. as long as i believe it's going to happen. hence the jumbled emotions.

but it's not really something i talk about with people. some get it and some just don't. they've had a string of relationships that basically kept them from ever really having a single season. i've had one relationship. the rest of the time i've been flying solo. i'm over flying solo. it's pretty simple. it doesn't help that i had this crazy dream last night about that very thing. i only remember dreams that seem to have meaning - that are communicating something. i know what i would like it to be saying. not sure that's what it really means. something else to add to the answers needed list. it's a growing list. maybe i'm not still enough? maybe i'm not pressing in enough? maybe i'm not listening? i don't know. i just feel overwhelmed. so, it turns out that typing my thoughts out right now isn't helping. sigh. guess i'll do something else.