love isn't complicated. i believe god made it a very simple thing. and yet we have managed to screw it all up and make it about games and control and winning and losing. no one wants to be a loser at love. i've felt that way for so much of my adult life. i've felt that everyone had the manual on love but me. i just couldn't seem to figure it out for some reason. i was invisible. and other women, almost all of them, were better at it than me. they just knew how to make it happen. all i knew was that no man ever seemed to really see me. and if he saw me, i never measured up. it destroyed my self esteem in that area. the other areas of my life were fine because my raw talent and skills and work ethic made sure i was noticed. and rewarded. but love, it's a completely different ball game.
the last few years have been hard on me. mostly because i've seen what it's like to be seen. and it still didn't work out. every experience can be a learning experience but sometimes i worry that i'm the fool. i'm the one who was open and willing and the joke is on me. no one wants to be the butt of the joke. no one wants to feel left out in the cold. love has been that way for me. it's like love finds pleasure in laughing at me sometimes. fighting that feeling is hard.
i'm very strong in my conviction and belief that love is simple. god made it simple. the price was paid. it's abundant and free. love doesn't fail. it doesn't end. there is more than enough to go around. because love never runs out when you give it away. it just returns to you in other ways. my belief in love this way doesn't make me a fool. but others have hinted to the contrary. the thing is, no matter what we believed, in the end we all had the same results. i want different results. i want to be loved by someone who cherishes my heart the way god does. i want to be loved by someone who protects my heart the way god does. i want to be loved by someone who can heal my heart the way god does. there are areas that i know i need ministering to. he touched those areas. it sucks that he was able to reach those spots and it still didn't work out. i'm trying to release it. i didn't know it would be this hard.
i know some people think i'm a fool for that. that i wasn't able to just move on. sigh. i don't want to be a fool. but i do want to be loved. that's not a bad thing. i'm not desperate for anyone but god. but i want fulfillment in my love life. if there is a manual, i want it. or to just meet a man that sees me - the way he did - but is ready to love me as well. a lifelong love. my story is still being written and i accept that god likes a good story. everyone likes a good story. i just want to get to the happy ending already. but does that make me a fool?
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