i just know

sometimes i just know things. i know certain things will happen. i know certain words will be said. i know certain people will be there. i just know. i've always been that way. i haven't always understood it but i've always known things without being able to articulate how i knew them.

that still happens. i know when things are about to change before they change. i know when things are about to end before they end. i know when people are going to do things that change everything before they make a move. it's not spooky or mystical or anything like that. it's like a gut thing. intuition on steroids. not sure how to best describe it. i just know that i know.

sometimes it really jacks up my emotions. you would think having time to prepare for something before it happens  makes you better equipped to handle it when the time comes. that's not really the case. because you have to access your feelings and process it all during the period when the change is unspoken. no one knows. so it's not like you can say anything. and to be honest, i never really know if it will come to pass or not. it's just a gut thing. sometimes people choose differently. sometimes circumstances change that cause things to change. life is pretty unpredictable.

but what i've never been able to understand is why is i can know something so strong, so much to my core, and then it doesn't happen? people choose differently. it's weird. i don't always get that strong to the core feeling. it's rare. and for the times when i really needed to be right with that thing, it didn't pan out. most other times it was right on. not sure how that works!

right now i'm getting my knowing feeling. i know something is about to happen and i'm trying to prepare myself for it. i don't want it to happen. but i have a feeling it's going to happen anyway. sometimes, i hate knowing.