leaving the door open

closed doors are usually final. doors slammed shut are usually terminal. leaving the door open just a crack means there is a chance -- however slight -- that it's not over. things can change. anything is possible. we never have the final say on somethings until death. and even death isn't final in most religions.

sales people often tell you never take no for an answer. if someone closes one door in your face there is usually another door opened somewhere else. what if the door that's closed is the only one you want open? what if you can push it cracked just an inch? just enough for that tiny glimmer of hope?

i'm going to be honest and say that the the door is open. i haven't closed it. i've thought about it. i've toyed with it, closing it one day and opening up wide the next and finally settling on leaving it slightly ajar. i don't want it to be closed. closed is so final. i'm not ready for final. i'm trying. i don't feel all that great about it. to be honest, i think if i looked in the magic mirror and asked to reveal my true self, i'd see the stupid girl looking back at me. you know, the girl that doesn't know when to let go? the girl that doesn't know that it's over? sometimes i feel like that girl. no one wants to be that girl. the heart is an interesting thing. we choose what we want even if it's irrational, harmful, dangerous. we choose.

i choose to leave the door open. there is an expiration date on the door - a big sign hanging on the outside that says this door will not remain opened forever. but what does that really mean? forever? after this week? after this month? after this year? after a lifetime? do you ever really get over someone who meet you in a magical state? i can't explain it. the thing people say sealed the deal for them; how they just knew this person was the one they wanted to be with forever. that magic. what if you felt that when you met them? are you excused for holding just a little longer than you should?

i always say i don't care but i do. i care how people perceive me in some areas. love is a big one. smart girls aren't supposed to make the same mistakes the stupid girls make. we're supposed to be above it all. we're supposed to be rational. love isn't rational. i have chosen to embrace the irrational and live on the edge of leaving the door open; however slight.