i loved you on purpose

when i was a teenager i discovered for colored girls. it became a big to-do again last year when the film was released. i sort of kind of watched it last night as i was trying to drift off to sleep. didn't drift off to sleep but didn't watch it either. i just listened to the poems i used to read. my favorite was always no apologies. when janet read it last night, i remembered - i loved you on purpose, i was open on purpose.

is there any other way to love? isn't it always intentional? we decide to love and stay in love. we decide to be open to love and receive love. we decide. i know people say you fall in love. i think you grow in love. i think you DECIDE to allow yourself to fully love someone and to be loved by them. but we do decide. Sometimes we decide wrong. sometimes our decision doesn't pan out. both of those scenarios are better than not deciding at all. or deciding to close yourself off from love. as my favorite da vinci quote from everafter says, a life without love is no life at all.

i think most of us have been guilty of deciding to love on purpose with the wrong person. have you? i have been. i'm still dealing with the residuals of it all. but i accept that i loved him on purpose. i was open to him on purpose. and the next time i decide to love, it will be intentional, just like before. maybe it wasn't a wrong decision. our relationship grew me in many ways. i'm not sure he knows that. perhaps one day i'll share it with him. but today, i revel in knowing i loved him on purpose. i was open to him on purpose and that's a great thing.