today, was a very challenging day. as i type this i am fighting back tears that i don't feel like shedding. i feel so betrayed by someone i considered a friend. i can't pretend that i'm not hurt. it hurts bad actually. i live in this city with no family. all i have are my friends. and when you don't even have that, it's not a good feeling. do you know how bad it sucks to be in a place where you feel alone? okay, let me stop being melodramatic. i'm not alone. i have other friends. but it was the ones closets to me that hurt me. and i guess that makes sense because only people close to your heart can break it. but i'm thankful that i'm not alone.
i called my best friends to talk to them about what just happened and rather than get me amped up they prayed with me. you have no idea how much i appreciated that. god called me to walk in love and i understand that some people will never understand that but i'm determined to do it. i can't let other people's actions change who i am. and at the core, i'm a loyal, loving friend and i don't ever want a day to come when that's not true. so no matter what happens, i'm going to be true to myself and who god called me to be. i wish i knew why he insisted on testing me in this love walk area. i wish i knew fully what he had in store for me. whatever it is, it requires a lot of walking in love and extending grace. i don't want to fail in that area.
it's kind of funny though. for my ministry to be about love when i grew up feeling unloved. god has a serious sense of humor. i had a crazy childhood and escaped with some serious scars. but if it weren't for those wounds needing to be healed, i'd never know god to be a healer and father and provider and friend. he lifts my head when i don't have the will or strength to do it. and he defines me. no one else. i am who he says i am. so as i hurt as i am right now, i refuse to let anyone else's actions change who i am. my destiny is too important for that.
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