tick toc

my friends and family often accuse me of being married to my timelines. i can't argue with them. i'm a trained journalist. i thrive on deadlines. i prefer deadlines and to be honest, when i don't have deadlines, things go unfinished. to say that i fall apart and drop the ball in the absence of deadlines is somewhat of an understatement. so, yes, i guess i'm hardcore about my deadlines.

the problem is life doesn't operate on my deadlines. sometimes things just don't come together like i plan. i know there are thousands of people who can look at the sum of their life and admit things didn't work out how they planned. there is a saying that if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. i'm not sure i agree with that statement since the word says a man's heart plans his way but the lord directs his steps. god makes our way prosperous but he does allow us to dream and plan and "write the vision" so to speak. but that doesn't say anything about deadlines and there in lies my problem.

i want what i want when i want it. i know, you do too. it's hard for me to accept that things don't happen in my desired time. i know i don't have a choice really but it just sucks when some things don't seem to ever work in my favor. so i am learning to be patient while continuing to move forward in my journey. i'm accepting that some parts of my story -- love and family in particular -- have yet to be written and though i hear the constant tick toc of my biological clock, i do serve a god who exists outside of time. and he says that he holds my times. i have to trust that though the deadline is not my choosing, he'll make sure i won't miss it.

i can say without any doubt that i can't wait to be a wife and eventually a mother. but what choice do i have but to wait? and pray that the sound of the ticks and tocs are drowned out by the other amazing things going on in my life. some days are harder than others.