i'm going to take a minute to exhale because i just had an amazing conversation and prayer time with my girls. i love our wednesday night time together. i get what i need from them and god. i am also able to give to them and god. it's a win/win. and so i exhale the heaviness that gripped me at the beginning of the week. and i welcome the lightness that came with sharing my burdens with my sisters and leaving them at the feet of jesus. it's real to me.
so much was covered in regards to my emotional state this week. more and more i find myself struggling with the current state of affairs. it doesn't consume me and yet some moments of some days i fear i can't take in enough breath because my chest is so tight. the ache is so strong. i exhale freely now though because i got what i needed.
my friends are funny because they know me so well. they straight called me on my bs today and i needed it. they always allow me to feel what i feel and i love them for it. but they bring me back when i need that as well. so i'm thinking my actions and my language need to change.
without going into any real detail, i know you like it when i'm juicy but i got nothing for you today, i have found myself crossing the line with someone. part of me enjoys flexing my feminine muscles and allowing myself to fully enjoy the attention, attraction and pursuit of man. it's natural and biological on a basic level. but their are consequences. the other part of me knows people get hurt when we aren't honest and up front. i'm at an intersection.
it is always my desire to honor those in my life for being the gift they are. he has been a wonderful addition the last few months. he challenges me and inspires me and makes me laugh. these are all things i find attractive and necessary. i think he's awesomesauce and i find myself wanting to spend time with him. herein lies the problem. he activates me and i can't act on it.
this might seem completely strange given the last few posts. i accept that. it's not really as disjointed as it seems as i don't share everything. a girl has to have some secrets, right? the deal is he's pretty special to me. so it becomes very important for me to take his heart into consideration. i read a book once that talked about women being the protector of men's hearts. that's a huge responsibility. men are pretty fragile and i'm not the most clued in on man-ese. i miss all kinds of cues and hints and ... sigh. i didn't date growing up. i'm still very awkward with the entire process. i accept it as part of my extreme lameness. but it is very important to me that i do my part to guard his heart.
this book talked about the nature of male/female relationships on both a platonic level and a romantic level. in much of our society these lines are blurred. we have friends with benefits or lovers and friends or booty calls and jump-offs. it's a lot of hooking up and little respect and love. that breaks my heart. and so i desire to honor his and guard it as best i can. that means keeping our conversation pure and free of sexual innuendos. it means being true to my convictions and honoring his. it means valuing his friendship as a gift.
it is very difficult to dial back once your feelings have gotten involved. and it's damn near impossible if you've thrown physical intimacy into the mix. knowing all of these things, and how i find myself more and more attracted to him, i am aware that i must change my behavior.
navigating this landscape would be much different if i didn't care. but i do. it's who i am. i don't want to hurt anyone any more than i want to be hurt. like i said, he's special to me. i hope my actions honor him and not harm him.
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