today i accept that i'm kind of a big ole failure in a few things. i don't fear failing so i'm okay admitting that it happened. i'm going to make peace with it. how did i become such an overthinker? i'm really trying to think back to my childhood to see what sequence of events led to me being the master of over analyzing things that are probably simple. i can't recall anything in particular. i know my planning obsession is part of it. but when did i start thinking harder and deeper and with excruciating focus on things most people barely blink an eye at?
maybe that's not fair. sounds like i focus heavily on trivial things. that's not the case. i'm not paralyzed by making decisions. but i care so much about the different outcomes for things that i can talk myself out of enjoying very simple things. it's odd, because people seem to think i'm fun to be around. i'm definitely not boring. hell, i love hanging out with myself! but there are some things that shouldn't be done alone!!!! and i always find a way to talk myself out of even thinking of the possibilities of enjoying some things.
it's not like i think the world would suddenly come to an end if i made a decision to let my hair down and live in the moment. but, maybe deep down i do think that. perhaps i am worried that if i don't keep things together nice and neat i'll end. there are certain things about my personality that set me a part from others. there are certain behaviors i have that make me a little different. i rather like being different. so if i behaved like everyone else, would i cease to be special? would i cease to stand out? would anyone even notice me?
see what i mean? i know i'm thinking way too hard. my friend once said to me my actions didn't for a minute change his opinion of me and he doesn't understand why i was scared it would. he obviously didn't grow up hearing the crazy shit i did. it has been really hard to divorce myself from that foolishness. i'm trying!
there is something, well someone, he's not a thing, who i want to fully explore. he's complex and i'm captivated. but i'm not sure how smart that is for me. in the end it doesn't really matter. i will find a way to talk myself out of ever truly enjoying him. but i have failed at respecting my own boundaries and my desire to guard him. and myself for that matter. i feel like a horrible person too. because i know what i want but i feel bad for wanting it. i don't think other people seem to even think about these things. and that's why my cousin told me to relax and live life. i really don't know how to fully give in to the moment. what happens if i come undone?
No comments:
Post a Comment