he didn't choose me

today was one of those days i wish i could close my eyes and wish away. the day itself was fine. but i had an epiphany of sorts that completely changed things for me. well, it didn't really change anything. i just finally accepted what was already evident. and accepting something is the first step to healing right? or something like that. the first step is to admit you have a problem.

my problem is that i really thought he was going to choose me. i really thought at some point, he would put action behind his words - that he loved me and i was important to him. but today, it hit me, that wasn't going to happen. he didn't choose me. he wasn't going to ever choose me.

i'm not naive. i know that we make choices and those choices have consequences. but i believe that you can choose one thing today and choose differently another day. i know the circumstances of life in it's current state can dictate our actions in ways that lead us down paths we never expected. i really saw this going differently. but it didn't. and today i woke up and accepted that. and it hurts. it hurts really bad. because i'm tired of not being chosen.

how many times do you have to be excited for someone finding love while you continue to long for it with all that's in you before you lack the capacity to be excited? and yet, you continue to share the joy of others because you know how much it means to them - and how much it would mean to you if only you were the one being chosen?

i did what i was supposed to do. i followed the rules. and you know what? it didn't really matter. it didn't change anything. i don't feel incomplete by any means. i have a very fulfilling life in so many ways. but i can't stand that the only people there to share it with me have the same body parts as me. i want love. i want real, romantic love. i want a relationship that leads to marriage. i want to start a family with a man that cherishes me and what i add to his life. i want to be chosen. and i'm devastated by the constant rejection. do you know what it's like to always be overlooked? as if i don't measure up? but to still be constantly told how amazing you are?

my heart hurts. it's heavy. and i can't pretend like i'm okay with this. it's not just that he didn't choose me; and i really wanted him to. i really believed he would. the problem is that noone ever does. what am i supposed to do with that information? how am i supposed to feel about that?