i need an intervention

these things i know to be my personal truths:
God is soverign
God is love
God can do the impossible
God desires to bless me with every good gift

these things i struggle to accept:
God's plan is not always the plan i would choose
God's method doesn't always make sense
God doesn't seem to feel the need to clue me in on anything
God requires our faith even when we're weary

these things i reject:
i will trust God even if it doesn't happen
if i don't do things right i negate God's plan for my life
i am alone because something is wrong with me or my faith
my faith is weak or i'm double minded and therefore God can't act on my behalf

i can get so into my own head that i cease to make sense to others. my sisters get me. a few others do. tonight i was able to talk out my jumble of emotions with someone who also seems to get me. and she's here. and i can be as honest and blunt and real with her as i can with my sisters and i don't feel judged or misguided or foolish or less than. i needed the intervention. i needed someone to hear me. someone to see me as i voiced the very real hurt i'm dealing with right now. i needed someone to respond to the pain i feel about the lack of love. i needed an intervention. and i hope that i was that for her. it is a shared pain. it is a deep pain. and i need God to intervene. i need to know that he hears and responds to those cries just like he does the others. my career is important but it's not the most important thing. but to look at my life, it seems like that's all God cares about. i know that's not true. or at least, i want to know it's not true.

me and God are good. in general, i love that i can come to him with any and everything. but he's not holding me. he's not physically there cheering me on and telling me i can do anything because he believes in me. he's not in front of me telling me i'm beautiful and sexy and desirable. he can't fill that place that he created man to fill. and i'm tired of that place being empty. i'm not empty. i'm not incomplete. but i don't quitefeel whole either. i'm not ashamed to admit that. to say that. i don't care how wrong or unchristian it sounds. my faith is solid. at the end of the day, i'm going to believe God. but at the end of the day, i also want to lay in the arms of the man who thinks God created me just for him. how is that wrong? i need an intervention.