pieces of me

lately i've felt slightly broken. overall things are fine but some moments during some days i feel out of sorts. it's kind of like certain pieces of me are having a bit of trouble fitting with the big picture. that means there are some things God is trying to perfect in me and it HURTS. sigh. i've never been a fan of pruning but i guess no one is, right? i'm trying not to fight it but it's your first instinct. when someone starts cutting you, you instinctively reach out to slap them away.

since my arms aren't anywhere close to being long enough to box with God i'm trying to surrender to the process. i definitely don't want to prolong it any further. i'm not a fan of the pain. i'm not a fan of things not working either. so, gotta do what i gotta do.

in the meantime, i struggle with the reality that many things i've hoped to happen by this time haven't. some people that have been a part of my life seem to be exiting stage left. many of my deepest desires have gone unaddressed. and most of the fight has left me. after you've done all you can, you just stand? maybe lean? some days i'm not sure i have the strength to do either. what are you trying to pull out of me? what is the transition that lies ahead? i want to be ready. ironic that i named this blog i'm gonna be ready. that means the preparation process must be adhered to. i swear i'm prophetic without even thinking about it! smh.

i do want the best. i want all the good and perfect gifts. i'm not interested in counterfeits or artificial flavorings. i want the real deal. i'm pretty sure i'm waist deep - maybe chest deep - in dirt and crap right now. fertilizer? i've been growing without even realizing it lately. that's a good thing. but growing uncontrolled leads to death. time for the pruning. ouch. i welcome you as my gardener. the master gardener of my life. if anyone can pick up the broken pieces of me and put the picture back together it's you. just give me the strength to feel perfectly safe during this process. help to not be anxious for anything. help me to rest along the still waters. only you can. only you know what the final picture is supposed to look like. i want to be ready for my close up.