Rethinking Christmas

The holiday season is upon us and I've been avoiding the mall like the plague. I will never understand why people go hogwild crazy at this time of year. It's supposed to be about love and family and community but somehow it ends up being about aquiring more stuff and showing off said stuff. Where did we go wrong?

When I was a kid, Christmas morning was hit or miss. Sometimes we had gifts under the tree. Sometimes we didn't. I fully understood that my single mother was barely able to feed us and keep a roof over our heads, let alone provide gifts at Christmas. Yet, I still longed for that feeling of tearing into neatly wrapped presents on Christmas morning because everyone else was doing it. I knew that when I went to my grandma's house my other cousins would be dressed in their new clothes and playing with their new toys. I knew that when I returned to school after the holiday break, my classmates would be talking about all the things they got for Christmas. It was always a time where I felt like an "other." I didn't fit in and everyone made me painfully aware of it.

I can't stand Christmas to this day. I'm an adult woman and the sound of Christmas music makes my ill. I literally want to throw up when I hear it. Every horrible feeling I have ever felt about growing up poor and being teased about it is associated with Christmas. It is like a constant reminder that I was never good enough for people to accept me as a child.

So much has changed in my life since childhood and you would never know my story by looking at me on an average day. That is the miracle of serving God. He truly healed me from some serious anger, hurt and brokenness. That is why I want to start rethinking my attitude toward Christmas. It's about the gift of Jesus and God's desire to reconnect with man. I celebrate that relationship and restoration, so I should be able to celebrate Christmas.

I plan to make rethinking Christmas a priority in the coming year. I want to celebrate next year as if it were my first Christmas.

Beyond what I see

I am a planner. I plan everything. I plan my day, my week, my month, my meals, my play time, my wardrobe, my breaks and sometimes my reactions to certain events. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I feel that having a plan shields me from the chaos that is sure to accompany someone who grew up like I did. My childhood was tragic to say the least. Planning helped me cope and function on a semi-normal level. Now that I have graduated to adulthood, I find it hard to let go of my beloved coping mechanism.

My life is very stable and predictable today. I cannot tell the future but I can pretty much tell you what things will be like from day to day. I like the predictability of it all because it makes me feel safe. Safety is also something very important to me. Why do I tell you this? Because I am learning to trust that I don't have to have sight beyond what I see. I can trust God to do that for me. It's liberating, though difficult. I admit to fight Him every step of the way kicking and screaming. It's not that I want to have control as much as it is I want assurance that I won't get hurt. But is such an existence even possible? I know the answer to be no because hurting people hurt people. Hurting people are all around us. I was once a hurting person. I have no idea the number of people I hurt with my lack of trust and my general type-a personality. I didn't mean to hurt them, but most people don't mean to hurt others. It just kind of happens.

For the last few days I have been listening to a Yolanda Adams song that just won't leave my mind. I was absolutely in love with the song when it came out several years ago. I was at a point of transition in my life - leaving grad school and heading into the workforce - and it really ministered to me. I hadn't listened to it much since that point. Sunday, it rose in my spirit again. I had the CD packed away in storage and didn't want to dig it up so I logged onto iTunes and downloaded the song for $0.99. It was worth it trust me. But since then, I've been singing it and meditating on it. I'm not sure what exactly God is getting ready to do in my life but the words do something to me deep down. I'm sure my neighbors would be very happy for this phase to pass as I've listened to the song on constant repeat for three days. I'm sorry, but God is saying something to me and until I know what it is, I'll keep it on repeat and keep meditating.

The lyrics are pretty simple but profound. Here is the lady herself singing it.