don't believe in fairy tales, but i want a happy ending

fairy tales and girls seem to go hand and hand. there's always a prince but no one ever calls attention to the male fascination with fairy tales. let's be clear, star wars - male fairy tale! but in our world, no matter what part of the earth you call home, there is a story of a girl being rescued by a man who whisks her off somewhere to live happily ever after.

here's the thing. i don't believe in fairy tales. i imagine some people manage to have some version of a fairy tale but that's not my story. i just want the happy ending. not happily ever after, just happy. you know, like most people around me seem to have. like most women and men my age. no need to be rescued. i can hold my own. but how about we go off and build a life together, and, you know, be happy. i'm having a moment right now to be sure. but gah!

i spent the holiday with friends and i had a great time but i'm just like wow, when does this change? when do i stop going to these things solo? when do i get to spend the holidays with my the inlaws (yes, i'm aware that most people actually dread this, but how awesome to have the option)? i grow tired of this stage of life. not interested in hearing the foolishness that is circulated around to women who share my feelings/desires. save it for someone who needs a captain save a hoe. i do not. i have much to offer. i'm just wondering when i'll meet someone that recognizes that and is on the same page as me. i've managed to get half of that equation but not the whole equation. my love life is a half solved mathematical expression. how's that for irony? yep, no fairy tales, just looking for x + y = happy ending.

i just know

sometimes i just know things. i know certain things will happen. i know certain words will be said. i know certain people will be there. i just know. i've always been that way. i haven't always understood it but i've always known things without being able to articulate how i knew them.

that still happens. i know when things are about to change before they change. i know when things are about to end before they end. i know when people are going to do things that change everything before they make a move. it's not spooky or mystical or anything like that. it's like a gut thing. intuition on steroids. not sure how to best describe it. i just know that i know.

sometimes it really jacks up my emotions. you would think having time to prepare for something before it happens  makes you better equipped to handle it when the time comes. that's not really the case. because you have to access your feelings and process it all during the period when the change is unspoken. no one knows. so it's not like you can say anything. and to be honest, i never really know if it will come to pass or not. it's just a gut thing. sometimes people choose differently. sometimes circumstances change that cause things to change. life is pretty unpredictable.

but what i've never been able to understand is why is i can know something so strong, so much to my core, and then it doesn't happen? people choose differently. it's weird. i don't always get that strong to the core feeling. it's rare. and for the times when i really needed to be right with that thing, it didn't pan out. most other times it was right on. not sure how that works!

right now i'm getting my knowing feeling. i know something is about to happen and i'm trying to prepare myself for it. i don't want it to happen. but i have a feeling it's going to happen anyway. sometimes, i hate knowing.

don't dish it if you can't take it

i helped my friend celebrate his birthday today and we had a friendly game of bowling. naturally, we talked hella trash. you know how brown people do. we talk ish for the hell of it. keep it interesting. but it's not real. and it's all in fun. until you encounter someone who can dish it but can't take it. it annoys me. this chick had me ready to pimp slap her. i guess that means i'm getting my angry/violent tendencies again. time for some refinement!

but back to this chick. she jumped ship because she said we sucked and then got mad when we beat the crap out of her team. and she talked stuff the entire time and when we started serving it back to her, she got mad, quit the game and shut down our lane. really? what the frak? i can't stand a sore loser. i mean seriously, pull up your big girl panties and suck that ish up!

i have an associate that is like that. i actually watched her have a fricking tantrum because i was beating her in a game. she whined and pouted and acted like a frickin toddler. i don't know how to process that kind of behavior. we're grown people. i really need you to act your age and not your shoe size!!!! needless to say, i will never play a game with her again. i play to win and i usually do but if i don't, i know how to say good game and take my beating like a champ!

so, i'm going to offer some sage wisdom. stop trying to dish that shit out if your ass can't take it. do we understand each other? sore losers can kick rocks. and just to piss you off even more, i'm going to ask, how does that loss taste in your mouth? sucka!

wild card

my friend christina used to always talk about having a fasion wild card when putting together your outfit. she said you needed something to completely pop that set your outfit off but totally showcased your personality. fashion isn't my thing but i can appreciate tried and true fashion advice from a true fashionista. but i've come to learn that i myself am a wild card. and i LOVE it!

when people see me on first glance they aren't sure what to think. i'm short and brown and natural and unapologetically joyful. i sound a bit like a white girl but i grew up in a straight hood family. i'm a journalist by trade but i embrace science, technology, politics and history. there are few subjects i'm not versed in because i read constantly. i'm a tomboy to the core but i don't ever leave my house without make up on. i'd rather wear jeans and chucks but i love me some fly bags! i cheered from middle school to college and was still remembered by my peers as a nerd at my high school reunion. i find it hard to resist a great action/sci-fi/fantasy movie but i'm at every broadway show or ballet performance i can afford. i am a wild card. and people don't know what to think when they meet me.

i used to be self conscious about my interests because a girl like me wasn't supposed to be into the kind of things i like. to this day, i get weird looks from guys when i talk about playing video games and building robots while they're telling me how pretty i am. look, i know i'm beautiful. god told me i was beautifully and wonderfully made. but only a fool thinks a woman is one dimensional! i can cook your meals and birth your babies and entertain your boss and coworkers and host your family and keep your mind blown in the bedroom and be a beast on my job and serve my community and maintain authentic relationships with my friends and have your back and still be 100% true to who god made me. that is WHO i am.

so, yes i like being a wild card. i like people trying to size me up only to learn they think way too small to even begin to comprehend the awesomeness that god poured into me. i didn't always know it but now that i do, i own it and you'll see it when you encounter me. but don't worry, i have also learned to remain humble because my upbringing has taught me humility. i'm not going to make you feel less than, just like i'm not going to let you dim my shine. don't like it? that's okay. you have it in you to be great as well. embrace it and see what doors open up for you. we are all created to be the leading ladies in the story of our life. if you aren't playing that role, you need a new director!

make your next move your best move

something about celebrating a birthday makes you feel invincible. i feel bad, michael jackson bad! i mean, damn, life is definitely good. as i rang in a new year of life on the magical 11.11.11 with old friends and new friends and sort of friends, i felt overjoyed. this year kicked my ass and i made it.

i lost a lot the last 12 months. this blog has chronicled most of it so there really isn't a need to reflect on it now. but the last few months have been restoration of what was lost, taken or stolen. i have added new friends to my life and they challenge me to be better. i don't have to ask them to hold me accountable, they just do. i have added new employment that also challenges me and stretches me to perform at my absolute best. i'm allowed to shine and trust me, i do that very well. and i continue to catch eyes from men that are ready for me. i don't know what the future holds for me in this 33rd year of life, but i guarantee you my next move will be my best move.

my first lady donna houpe always said everyone can't go with you because not everyone means you good. i always try to see the best in people because i completely understand the nature of man. we are FLAWED. and in my frailties, i recognize my ability to harm. that's why i try to be quick to repent and ask for forgiveness. sometimes i miss it. but it's my goal and i'm very honest about that. it's still a shock to me to know not everyone operates that way. so this year, i've learned to cut the cancer loose as soon as it's identified. i'm guarding my heart, guarding my time and guarding my joy. i have places to go, things to do and lives to change. i'm making my next move my best move and some people that were hanging on in the past aren't invited to go along for the ride this time.

you think you know someone

people can fool you. they can present themselves one way and show up a completely different way later on. the thing is, you can fool some of the people some of the time but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. it's time to accept that i see who you are, and i'm choosing to believe it.

i can be pretty tolerant of people being moody and inconsiderate. i can even tolerate you getting out of pocket a time or to. but i can't tolerate you hurting people i care about. i draw the line. i realize that means i once again have placed other people's feelings ahead of mine, but that's beside the point. what i now know is you can think you know someone and discover you are wrong.

authentic people tend to always be authentic. no matter what is going on in their life, they will show up the same - what you see is what you get. those who aren't truly authentic will be able to fool you for a while and then the truth is revealed. i see your truth. i don't like it. i'm making a choice. i'm good without you.

it's not really three strikes you're out but honestly, that is strike three! what the hell? who are you? and why? what happened to make you this way? your words and actions are hurtful. but mostly they are completely unnecessary. i don't even know what to think about you. or the people who choose to make you their friend. i'm confused. actually, i'm not confused, i'm sad for you. perhaps you don't know who you are. maybe that's the problem.

leaving the door open

closed doors are usually final. doors slammed shut are usually terminal. leaving the door open just a crack means there is a chance -- however slight -- that it's not over. things can change. anything is possible. we never have the final say on somethings until death. and even death isn't final in most religions.

sales people often tell you never take no for an answer. if someone closes one door in your face there is usually another door opened somewhere else. what if the door that's closed is the only one you want open? what if you can push it cracked just an inch? just enough for that tiny glimmer of hope?

i'm going to be honest and say that the the door is open. i haven't closed it. i've thought about it. i've toyed with it, closing it one day and opening up wide the next and finally settling on leaving it slightly ajar. i don't want it to be closed. closed is so final. i'm not ready for final. i'm trying. i don't feel all that great about it. to be honest, i think if i looked in the magic mirror and asked to reveal my true self, i'd see the stupid girl looking back at me. you know, the girl that doesn't know when to let go? the girl that doesn't know that it's over? sometimes i feel like that girl. no one wants to be that girl. the heart is an interesting thing. we choose what we want even if it's irrational, harmful, dangerous. we choose.

i choose to leave the door open. there is an expiration date on the door - a big sign hanging on the outside that says this door will not remain opened forever. but what does that really mean? forever? after this week? after this month? after this year? after a lifetime? do you ever really get over someone who meet you in a magical state? i can't explain it. the thing people say sealed the deal for them; how they just knew this person was the one they wanted to be with forever. that magic. what if you felt that when you met them? are you excused for holding just a little longer than you should?

i always say i don't care but i do. i care how people perceive me in some areas. love is a big one. smart girls aren't supposed to make the same mistakes the stupid girls make. we're supposed to be above it all. we're supposed to be rational. love isn't rational. i have chosen to embrace the irrational and live on the edge of leaving the door open; however slight.