lessons learned

have you ever experienced something in life and thought, i never want to experience that again? lesson learned? i have had a few of those experiences in the last few years. actually, the last five years of my life have been one huge learning experience. some of my faith tenants have been tried. some of my beliefs have been stretched. some of my relationships have been challenged. and some of my values have changed. i have learned much in the last five years. which, is how it should be honestly. we shouldn't be the same person year in and year out. there should be some kind of growth. thankfully, i have a merciful teacher!

life isn't always merciful. it can be hard and harsh and unrelenting. i think i've experienced that as much as i've experienced the joys and triumphs and happy endings. but i have to believe that all of my life experiences have made me better. and let's face it, i haven't always made the right choice or done the right thing. i haven't always said the most affirming words or listened when i should. i'm flawed. i'm so flawed. and in my frailty i'm in awe that god sees the real me and loves me all the same. i can't help but ask who am i that you are mindful of me? a lowly woman! but i've learned to accept god's love rather than question it. in fact, i'm learning to accept his plan without questioning it.

she's so gone

i'm typing this from bed because i've been running so much since i got home that i didn't have time to blog. not really sure what this post should be about either. today i went for a hike with friends and had so much fun. i so enjoy hiking. it's a great way to be one with nature. and to connect with god.

the sound of the water rushing over the rocks and through the stream/river was so peaceful and you know what? it reminded me that everything can be new. there is no such thing as standing in the same river twice. the water is always moving and flowing. it's always new water.

i feel like that in my personal life. each day is new and each day i'm new. i know we have new mercies every morning. but i'm new every day. i never thought about it before. the woman i was yesterday is gone. she's so gone. the things i accepted without question from people, that's over. you don't get to dump on me, or mistreat me or disregard me and i let it fly anymore. that girl is gone. she's so gone!!!!!!

let's pretend that didn't happen

we hung out and you know what, it was fun. almost like old times. i think i'll just pretend the first half of this year didn't happen. whatever was going on, we're in different places and different spaces now. i can roll with it. i have this thing about broken relationships. i don't like them. i know everything can't be fixed but sometimes you just have to let things work themselves out.

i knew i would have an answer after this weekend. and i'm glad i let god write the story. when left to my own devices i can choose the wrong protagonist, antagonist and ending. he never gets it wrong. i take comfort in that!

in other news, i cannot ride a mechanical bull to save my life. first time ever i broke my thumb. tonight i barely lasted 5 seconds. not sure what it is about being bucked about like crazy but it's not my thing. but i always wonder what i'm missing that i can't do it but everyone else seems to be able to. poo. oh well, i have other skills.

when things line up

sometimes things don't work out. we're so used to that reality it isn't hard to make the leap to expecting things to not work out. sometimes we get beat down but life and people and we feel defeated. i've been there for a few years, feeling defeated and powerless. and then someone asked me, "does god still sit on the throne"? well does he? i'm going to say yes to that because he does. and when he's on the thrown, things line up.

where do i begin? i've gotten things in order in a number of areas. this thing is so fixed in my favor! i'm preparing myself for marriage and went to a class that gave me knowledge. i learned that i'm actually on target with my thinking, actions and way of being. i want to start my own business. i cultivated a relationship with a business owner who's doing his thing! he inspires me. he challenges me. and he offers support. i am ready to write my book. god places people in my life who are writers and also writing novels and books.

this thing is fixed. and as jeremiah 29:11 says, he knows the plans he has for me. who am i to fight god's plan? who am i to stand in the way of him making me great? i'm just going to let things line up and go with the flow.

speak friend and enter

friend was the magic word to open the locked door into the halls of moria. what a beautiful place it was too! the dwarves were master craftsmen with stone and rock and they built amazing halls. peter jackson didn't do too bad a job of bringing them to life either!

i'm realizing more and more, maybe because of age or wisdom or both or neither, i'm pickier when it comes to adding to my friend list. i've learned the last two years that simply saying friend is not enough to enter into a friendship. those sacred halls are more than a meeting place of people. they are home. to be in a friendship with someone implies that you feel at home with them.

i'm also learning rather quickly that it can change. you can feel at home with someone one season and not the next. what happens that makes it change so suddenly? truthfully, it's rarely sudden. most things take place gradually until you look up and their is a gulf between you. what started as a simple stream can eventually grow into a grand canyon. once the divide is there, it's really hard or impossible to bridge the space between you.

then there is the whole issue of how people behave once they've been invited into the hall. the orcs completely overran the halls of moria, killing the dwarves who called it home, making their beautiful halls dark and and stripping the place of it's former glory. the wrong friends will do that to you! you will look up and before you know it, your home is unrecognizable. they always say birds of a feather flock together. if you choose the wrong friends, it's not long before you become the company you keep. or they will overrun you so bad you will cease to exist.

i'm trying to figure out what my course of action should be right now. things have been different since february and as much as i wanted to deny it, the split began then. and from there it has gotten worse. now, i don't know how to build the bridge. my long time friend said let the chips fall where they may. i'm pondering. this could be a wait and see situation. sometimes, broken friendships have a way of working themselves out. other times, intention is required to bring resolution. after this weekend, i believe i will have more of an answer. someone else told me to seek god and follow his plan. now that's advice i could never argue with. so i'm waiting to see what happens, to see how god leads, to see if this friendship can be salvaged.

you are truly loved

i'm listening to pandora today and have it set to my out of eden station. i heart those ladies. their music was always tops in my book. can't understand why they didn't get bigger, but they ministered to the crowds they needed too. and that's great. anyway, listening to them makes me happy. very happy. their lyrics just put a smile on my face.

that is how i found myself smiling when i heard the lyrics "you are truly loved". i'm loved by a number of people. my family and friends love me for sure. and i love them right back! i'm loved by god. and i love him back. but there is a person who's love matters to me in a different way than my family and friends. it warms my heart to know of it. i accept that god has not finished constructing my love story. i rest in his desire to get it right. and i take comfort in knowing he's fashioned someone for me. i hope that soon all will be revealed. because i know i'm loved by him. and he is loved by me. patiently waiting for things to unfold. for love to be revealed.

living my life like it's golden

i have been on a journey this year -- a form of transition from the old to something new. i honestly don't know all the things god has in store for me. all i know is that as this year has progressed my time with him has revealed a desire to stir up my gifts and use them for his glory. to fully and completely embrace their wonder as they are a gift from the most high. he has bid me to release the fear that has so gripped me when it comes to writing. he has urged me to trust him as the creator to flow through me as i create.

it's a simple thing when you look at it. i was created to write. and so i write. as my life is empty without it. now that i have embraced my place and my purpose, i propose to live life like it's truly golden.

it is well

today was an emotional day. i released my job. i expected to feel anxiety and apprehension. instead, i felt peace. i felt light. i felt free. i am excited about what's next. i believe that god will show his power in a great way in my life than ever before.

i have a vision of what i want my life to look like and i believe that i'm free to walk that out. i was scared. and maybe i'll experience fear again. but i'm over being paralyzed by my fear. i'm over being stuck. god said i'm the head and not the tail. i'm above and not beneath. i'm a lender and not a borrower. i'm blessed in the city and in the field. i'm blessed in my coming in and going out. whether i go to the left or the right, god's voice guides me in the way to go. i take comfort in this. he's working and i'm getting on board with him!

it is well with my soul. and it will be well with me because i believe.

taking a leap and getting busy

tomorrow is a big day for me. i'm turning in my letter of resignation from my job. i've been there 3 years and if i stay, i will be there six years or ten years still doing the exact same thing. i've never been at a job more than 2 years without getting promoted. i work very hard because i enjoy what i do. i like to be rewarded for working hard. as it stands, i barely get an "atta girl" for my work. i feel devalued and i have finally gotten to a point where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. i'm ready to leap.

some might consider me crazy for doing this without the safety net of a replacement. i consider it me taking control of my life and getting the job i want and creating the kind of life that i want. i believe i'll have a replacement before the dust settles on this job. i have to believe that.

i'm also taking this time to write. i need to write. it gives me energy and fulfillment. it gives my life meaning. i've been without meaning because my words have been stifled by fear. i refuse to let fear stop me from being great. i have too much to do. it's about time i got busy.

doing what you're born to do

as i sat at the light during lunch thinking about how awesome my italian sub was going to taste, i looked up at the sky. it's the middle of summer and we're barely in the 60s in seattle. but the sky was finally blue so i wanted to take it all in. i spotted an eagle soaring effortlessly through the sky. well, more like in a circle, but still soaring. it made me think how amazing it would be if i was born with a mutant gene that allowed wings to grow out my back like angel's from xmen. then i could spread my wings and fly away searching for ... who knows. if i were an xmen i'm sure my life would be very different. i'd be all badass and have to decide if i wanted to be a hero or villain and things could get all harry. forgive me, i've digressed into a geek rabbit hole that should be saved for a later day. today i'm being philosophical. sort of.

but how awesome would it be to wake up everyday and do what you were born to do? i mean, the eagle can fly because he's born with the tools to fly. he can soar effortlessly because he has the genetic code and the physical anatomy to make it possible. even when he learned to fly he had the natural instinct to open his wings and take off.

we have a genetic code that has us wired to do something too. we were born with the tools to function a certain way and if we took heed, we could wake up everyday doing exactly what we were born to do. i know what i was born to do. i've known since i published my first story back in kindergarten. i've just been stuck in a fear pit lately that has paralyzed me from writing more than a blog post length of anything. that would be like an eagle siting on a five foot tall boulder and spreading its wings to full span only to hop to the ground. it's a waste!!!!

i've made up my mind to stop squandering the talent god gave me. if i was born to do this how could i do anything but succeed? i was genetically crafted with the tools and instincts to write. it's in me. it comes out of me. it energizes me. it fulfills me. in hard times, it helps sustain me. it is what i was created to do.

you were created to do something. and you know what it is because it is what you think about when you're free from distraction and free from burdens and free from whatever bondage you have found yourself in. we all have to start somewhere. the eagle started soaring by being pushed out the nest. i have someone pushing me out the nest. you need to find someone to do the same for you.

we can do this. we can wake up every day and do what we were born to do. and if we are diligent, we can make a living doing it. thank you eagle for reminding me how truly awesome my gift is and how imperative it is that i DO it everyday. thank you light for forcing me to slow down long enough to witness the majestic eagle. thank you stan lee for giving me xmen envy because of course we should all desire to be genetic freaks of nature. and thank you sub shop for this fantastic italian sandwich. it totally hit the spot.

cry it out, walk it out

now that i have cried for most of the evening i have to take some tylenol so i can sleep. my sissy is in the hospital and her cancer has spread throughout her entire body. my natural inclination is to cry (which i did in droves) and panic (which i did briefly) and get angry (which i'm still fighting) and resolve to fight (i'm getting there!). this entire ordeal has been hard. she was diagnosed two months ago and it is not stage 4!!! accepting the facts right now are hard. she's 33. she's so young and beautiful and married with three children. this shouldn't be happening. i'm in shock.

but it is happening. and she has dropped down to 105 lbs and she can't eat and she's tired and she's ... oh hell, it's trying to take her out. but my faith says i serve a god who said cry out to me and i will answer you. ask me and i will give it unto you. psalms 30:2 says o lord my god, i cried to you and you healed me. i need to encounter that god. the god who heals, the god who hears, the god who answers, that is the god i need to show up in my sister's life right now. my relationship with god has been such that he does indeed show up. there has not been a time when i haven't cried out and been answered.

so i'm crying out on behalf of my sister and i'm trusting and believing and standing in faith that my god, who answers when i call, who heals when i ask, will meet her even now, as she lays in that bed with cancer eating away at her body. i command it to line up with the power and authority granted to me through the shed blood of jesus, my savior and my king. i need that healing to manifest in her body. i need that miracle power to show up. because if her body can't be healed by the blood that jesus shed, than his death was in vain. and my entire faith system rests on his blood leading to my deliverance from sickness, disease and poverty.

so god, i don't know you to be a failure. i only know you as a success. and i'm calling out to you. i know you hear and i know you have the power to heal. i know you have the power to deliver. i know you have the power to restore. i am asking for that power to show up.

good intentions

they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. we have intentions to do all kinds of things but most of us rarely live our lives with intention. what does it mean to be intentional? i found this little dilly online: Being intentional means making the decision to stop talking about the dreams you have and to start taking action to achieve them.

i can dig it. i've taken some steps lately to do just that. i must be intentional about being the woman i've purposed to be. i can continue to do things the way everyone else does them and i can be like them. but i was called to be greater. and my greatness won't be drowned out by fear or laziness or indecision. i will live a life of intention.

i have purposed to be exactly who god created me to be - authentic and true - and i'm over letting that woman exist in secret or the shadow of fear. i command my talents and my time and my life. they don't command me.

perhaps that's radical thinking, but the world is changed by those who are crazy enough to believe they can change the world. which will you be? EXTRAordinary or ordinary?

thinking of a masterplan

my friend and i have formed our own mastermind group. you know, just like the super wealthy because we need the push to plan and act so we can be super wealthy too!

you really do have to surround yourself with people who motivate you to achieve more and stay focused on your goals. if you hang with a bunch of people who aren't doing anything, you'll find yourself getting lazy and unproductive. that's exactly where i found myself last year and i've been working hard to claw out of that foolishness all year.

now eight months into this year - geez has it been that long for real? - and i'm finally feeling like i've accomplished somethings. i have made key purchases of things i really needed in my house. i've secured a few mentors to help with my personal and professional goals. i started praying with my friends every week to keep me spiritually grounded. and i've launched a new website to help me get through my life in seattle. heck i've even started dating again. i'm in a good place. and thanks to my mastermind group, i'll be more successful.

iron sharpens iron. time for me to prepare so i can perform when the time comes.