creating new space

i just bought a new dinning room set and now i have to figure out what to do with my old bistro set. i thought about putting it out on the patio but i already have plenty of furniture on my patio. so i decided to create some new spaces in my living room, starting with a breakfast nook. i don't have a bar in my kitchen so a breakfast nook would be awesome. besides, it can also double as my work space area. i'm ditching my desk. and my book cases for that matter. so i have to find new ways to organize all my books and photos and stuff that occupies that space. i want to get a new bookcase that's more open. my current bookcases are too heavy. i have some ideas but haven't done any actual work.

so before i pick up my new table and chairs, i've got to move the old ones to a corner in the living room until i figure out what to do. i guess it's a good problem to have huh?

chasing pavement

giving up is not an option so chasing pavement it is. okay, not really chasing pavement. it's more like chasing dreams.

i have a few things in the works right now and i'm beyond excited about getting started, mapping things out and putting into words what changes i'm desiring to make in my life. these are personal and professional goals for me to be the best me i can be. i'm trying to be excellent above all things and leave a big mark on this world. someway, somehow i plan to make it better than i found it. let's get it!

you can't always get what you want

i'm sitting at a borrowed desk at work typing this post on a borrowed computer and wondering why strange things happen to me. well, probably no more than to others but sometimes it seems like i'm an exception rather than the rule.

anyway, my friend is interviewing for a job today. it's a job that she would do awesomely well and definitely deserves but as things have been iffy in the past, i'm reminded that we can't always get what we want. sometimes what we want is bad for us. sometimes what we want is not what we need. and sometimes what we want is more than we can handle at the time. i don't want to say it but timing is important. but in the case of my friend, the time has come for things to change in her life. she's been laboring and i would love to see the manifestation of her faith walk. time is of the essence and i can't deal with hearing any more be patients. no, act!

we can't always get what we want but we can also act to make things happen. i'm praying god matches and increases her acts so she gets the outcome she desires and needs right now. stability is important and i want to see that in her life. that's not a want. it's a need. make that happen god!

a day wasted

my virtual pc crashed today. and IT spent the entire day trying to restore it. it's a mess. i mean a hot dog mess. i'm not sure how much of my files were destroyed by whatever corrupted the system in the first place. all i know is photoshop crashed and that's all she wrote for my virtual pc. i had my mac obviously but most of my work files were on my virtual machine. hoping to get it all squared away tomorrow. but that mean i wasted an entire day. can't say i would have rather been on vacation because the weather sucked.

but i woke up with a huge smile on my face today and i went to work in the best mood. a failed computer didn't dampen my mood. i walked out of the office happy and now i'm relaxing and doing laundry. while the work day was certainly a waste, i'm totally happy with how my day turned out. i feel destressed and relaxed. can't complain about that.

if god is a dj

i like to dance and the more i think about it, the more i realize that dancing is the ultimate form of release for me. and i'm sad to say that i haven't danced in a while. a long while. having brunch with my friends yesterday, we talked about a party we had where we turned on the music and just danced all night. it was great! it was more than great actually. and i can't remember the last time i just turned on the music and went for it.

i feel a private dance party coming on. and by private i mean just me and god. or maybe just me. or maybe there will be two parties. i don't know. all i do know is that there will be dancing. lots and lots and lots of dancing.

saying goodbye

today was the first of a few celebrations of my friends departure from seattle to enter graduate school in baltimore. i am all kinds of sad to see her go but more than excited to witness this next stage in her life. this woman is truly awesome and i've enjoyed getting to know her better over the last year. we've hung out regularly for fun and work.

it is a great thing to have people in your life who stretch you and make you grow. but also help you through the stretching so you don't break. i know she will find great success in school and as we start saying our goodbyes, i can't think of anything but great memories. i'm looking forward to journeying to the east coast to hang out with her for balticon next year. hopefully, we'll maintain regular communication. it does get hard when time zones change. i learned that from another friend who moved away suddenly. at least this transition wasn't out of the blue.

the thing about living in seattle, you just never know how close to get to people because they don't stay long. i've been here three short years and most of the people i have met are biding their time before they can get the heck out of dodge. it makes me sad. i was one of them for a while. i will probably feel that way in the future. for now, i'm here and i'm going to make the most of it.

friday is the birth of the weekend and should be the day i'm most excited about because it means freedom from work and time to do all the fun things i can't do when i'm at work. but that's rarely the case. lately, my weekends have been so full of activity that i just go into the next week feeling drained rather than relaxed.

i recognize this as a problem and so i realize i must act to rectify it. so what is a girl to do when her social calender keeps her on the go? sigh. it's a good problem to have i guess. but anything to the extreme is bad.

right now i'm all off my sleep schedule, i haven't seen the gym in ages and my eating has been anything but healthy. i need to do better. i have to do better. and i want to return to some balance in my work, personal, social life. i've decided to start meditating at least twice a week. i don't know a lot about the art of meditating and so i'm learning some things from friends who do it and enjoy it. it's a start. but i hope to be in a better place come september.

nothing more than feelings

i just had an epiphany of sorts. it's about my feelings and how i regularly let people get away with invalidating them. i'm not sure when i started this practice or how long and how deep the offenses, but it ends now.

my friend has been telling me for a few months in not so subtle ways that i keep putting other people's feelings ahead of mine. i've even blogged about it a few times. i'm not sure what i thought that meant - maybe i had a superiority complex and thought it made me a good person to be the feelings martyr. truth is, it has made me a coward in many ways.

some things should get a pass. sometimes we say and do things that make no sense and we really didn't mean it. of course that doesn't exempt us from making an apology, but i have found that i'm willing to let most things go. but i see that it's usually at my expense. you didn't mean to say something that would totally crush me or hurt me so that makes it okay. no we don't have to talk about it. i'm good. yes, i do that. why? because i don't want people to dislike me? because i don't like conflict? because i prefer to keep peace? because i don't want my words and actions to hurt others the way their words and actions have hurt me? maybe a little of all of the above.

time to grow up. my feelings actually do matter. and if you insist on disregarding them, you don't deserve a place in my life. and it's my responsibility to let you know when you've crossed the line. so many have crossed the line and i martyred myself for the sake of ... let's just say pride. but i'm over that. it ends now. and if it costs friendships or relationships, that's fine because it wasn't a healthy relationship anyway.

you're such a vibrant thing

my energy levels have been low the last few days. there are a few factors working against me in this area. the first being a lack of sleep. my computer got a virus and i stayed up later than i should have pondering a solution. eventually i had to restore factory settings and start over. i lost a few months of pictures and videos. i'm sad about that. apparently my backup didn't actually backup. no clue why. and because of it, i'm missing the evidence of my recent history. i could cry but i lack the energy.

secondly, we have had little sunshine in the last few days. i mean, i thought this was summer, but instead it looks and feels like october.i am not happy about this. i can't fathom ever being happy about this. seattle hurts my feelings far too often. yet, i live here and i'm trying to cope. i are the sadness because of it.

thirdly, i am emotionally drained from some things that are going on. i finally had to release it all and try to pick up the pieces from there. my energy source is feeling choked and as a result i'm feeling much like a zombie. not the psycho kind manufactured by the umbrella corp, but the dead eye kind from shawn of the dead. if you tie me up to a thick chain i'm sure i can play xbox with you for a bit. but eventually i'd just pass out.

this is no good. i'm a vibrant young thing and i need that to show. i took a vitamin for the first time in a long time this morning. they upset my tummy and i keep forgetting to bring them to work so i can take them after breakfast. today i braved it and made my way to work with a queasy tummy and prayer. after a week of those things, i'm hoping to see progress. i'm also hitting up the gym. yes, it might think i passed away since i've been gone for so long, but it's the gym, it has to welcome me back with open arms. besides, my paid membership demands it. and i'm going to get back on my sleep schedule. i have been staying up too late for too long and my body has had enough. i need my rest. i really need my rest. i function better, but i'm also more creative when i've had a good nights sleep.

and so the quest to return to my regular vibrant status is underway. may the force be with me.

devalued

my company finds new ways to devalue me on a regular. we've talked about specific things that make me feel alienated and separate from the team and my job and they continue to happen. i can get mad but i've long since realized the pointlessness of that action. when it comes down to it, i'm clearly not seen as a professional, team member or even knowledgeable person. if i were, things would be different.

it doesn't make sense though. you want employees to be engaged and committed and dedicated to your company's success and yet it's normal to ignore employee needs and personal goals. few people come to work just for the sake of working. most of us want to get some kind of fulfillment out of our 9 to 5. but when you suck the life out of your team, treat them like children rather than professionals and dismiss their concerns and personal professional goals, you pretty much say we don't care if you stay loyal. just do the job. and let's face it, most companies have become that stupid.

i'm not wallowing in pity though. i have a game plan. and you will see the results of my actions shortly.

infected with a virus

a few days ago i was trying to watch harry potter and the half blood prince. i haven't seen it. i'm not a huge harry potter fan. i just think the movies are pretty cool looking and the story is compelling. never read the books. and as it were, never saw all the movies. so to prepare for the final movie opening in the theater, i wanted to try to catch up. in doing so, i managed to infect my computer with one nasty arse virus. it had me down for two days! and as such, unable to blog or write or do anything that makes me feel content on a normal day. and so i have fallen behind on my daily blogging.

mind you, i have given up trying to blog from my phone. not sure why blogger doesn't have an iphone app like wordpress. oh well. that nasty virus infected everything and i had to do a complete restore of my computer. i'm sure i lost some things as i'm not 100 percent sure all my stuff backed up before the restore. oh well. i might have lost a few pictures. thankfully, i have them all stored in facebook and i just need to log in and download my acct before completely deleting it. guess i'll get on that tonight or sometime this week. no rush. tonight i have to try to set up my computer the way it was. and reinstall my windows programs. also curious about getting a spyware program that actually works. ugh.

in search of relaxation

today a friend and i hopped on a ferry and headed west for the sequim lavender festival. it wasn't the sunniest day and there was some hesitation on her end to go out in the rain. but i was gungho and rain or shine i was gonna get me some lavender.

the weather turned out to be not so crappy and we totally enjoyed ourselves. i think lavender tends to have that kind of effect on people. it's calming and relaxing and just plain peaceful. i got all kinds of lavender goodies for family and friends and of course myself! i'm definitely looking forward to a wonderful bath using the salts i got that smell diving. lavender is like a magical plant. it just makes things all better. and when the day you faced is hard to bare or shake off, a lavender retreat helps to melt it all away.

it was a great way to spend my day. i've grown rather fond of my friend and will truly miss her when she moves for grad school. she sharpens me and challenges me but then she helps balance me as well. i hope i provide that same balance for her. we've already worked out a trip. we are attending balticon together next year. and we're cosplaying! oh i'm going to miss her! but i'm thankful for the times we do have. gonna make it fun, productive and relaxing. can you say all that in the same sentence? who cares. it's what we're doing and that's that!

almost doesn't count

have you ever been close to something and it didn't work out? you were so close you could taste it and then poof, it's gone. you almost had it. but sadly, almost doesn't count.

i'm not waxing poetic or anything. just listening to pandora and brandy's almost doesn't count came on. i am a huge fan of brandy's because i think her songs have depth that most pop stars don't. really, how true is it that we often get close to having the things we desired only to see them slip through the cracks?

i've experienced that a few times this year. it's hard to accept because it can be pretty devastating to see your dream fading away. sometimes it's just cruel. why didn't it work out? what did i do wrong? why wasn't i deserving? that's the self-centeredness in us that makes it all about us. sometimes things don't work out because they just don't! maybe it's you. maybe it's someone else. maybe it's a fluke. maybe it's destiny. there isn't a real way to know so why bother trying to figure it out?

the nurse practitioner at my doctor's office and i had a great conversation this morning. we talked about love and life and life with your love. she told me about a billboard she once saw in montana. it said, when god closes one door he opens another but it's still hell in the hallway. how true that is.

right now i'm in the hallway. i almost made it into that open door but it closed. for whatever reason, i didn't make it in. but there is another door waiting to be opened. when it does, best believe i'm barreling in! i can accept that almost doesn't count so next time, i'll be in like flynn.

it bothers me

i have to be honest. it bothers me. more than i care to admit. more than i am willing to face on many days. more than i ever voice. and yet it is a beast of my own making and ultimately my own choosing.

i'm working it out in my mind, the place that really houses my emotions, so i can move on. because i felt that way once doesn't mean i have to feel that way forever. try telling that to my brain. but it does get better. and one day it won't bother me anymore. one day, it will be a distant memory and all that i once cherished and loved will be overshadowed by something better.

it's hard telling yourself to move on because better is coming when better has never presented itself. or, rather, in comparison, it doesn't feel much better. in a few weeks i'll be free to explore and honestly i don't know how to feel about that either. i'm excited about the possibilities but nervous about the unknown. what will the future bring? i have no clue. i know what my expectations are. as of right now, all i know is i'm trying not to let it bother me anymore.

tears on my pillow

today we found out the name of the cancer that has attacked my sisters body. knowing the name was important to me because names are powerful. words are powerful. looking it up and doing research brought tears to my eyes. this is serious stuff. and i'm devastated that my sister is facing this battle. she's so young. and her and my brother have three beautiful children. and now their family has a serious fight. i cried. i wailed really. but in my crying i spoke god's word. he is sovereign and even cancer has to submit to his authority.

so through my tears i worship the god who heals. the god who delivers. the god who set the sun and the stars in the sky and knows them by name. i worship the most amazing god there is and i praise him for the gift of life and his word and his son. his son who's blood was shed for our salvation from the curse of sin, death, poverty and disease. and who's body was bruised for our iniquity. and who's stripes healed us. we are healed. she is healed. help me god to walk in that revelation everyday until we see its manifestation in her body.

and through my tears and uncertainty i will trust you and praise you. remind me of these words when it gets hard. and remind me of these words when we are giving the testimony of the miracle you performed in my sister's life. she's my sister in law but she's the only sister i have. and i love her so much. and i command her to live.

i'm just a girl standing in front of a boy ...

you know the rest - asking him to love me. but here's the real ending. he said no. so far, that has been the story of my life. i don't like that story very much. no, i don't like that story at all. i need that story to be be burned and destroyed and never told again in reference to me.

it's like my love life is some sort of black hole where no light (hope) has managed to escape. at least that's what i was thinking when i had my date night tonight and started painting. i didn't really feel like talking or praying or singing or dancing. so i painted. and i thought about that movie knotting hill and my favorite line when julia roberts says i'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love me.

black hole of love. but i'm not a gloom and doom person and i have to believe that despite the history, the future is bright. so i took some some black paint and covered a canvas with it. and then i took some silver paint and drug it across the canvas in a crazy lines and circles. finally i took some gold paint and did the same thing. in the end, i had a big black hole filled with intersecting gold and silver lines. i'm silver, he's gold. if we continue to live life and our lives intersect at different points in some way or another, we are bound to collide.

my faith tells me that's not really how it works. it's not by chance, but there is a purposed plan. some days i find that hard to believe. i don't see the evidence of it. but tonight i realized that i can't take begging someone to love me only to have him say no every time. i'm better than that. i'm certainly worthy of better than that.

happy anniversary to me

today marks the 3rd anniversary of my life in seattle. it hardly feels real but i have been here three years. and what a wild three years it has been. it's funny how much can happen in such a short amount of time.

to reflect, i've met great people and not so great people. i've built relationships and ended relationships. i've falling in love and struggled falling out of love. i've explored this great city and sought ways to escape. it has been a wild journey.

after three short years, i'm more comfortable calling seattle home than i thought i would ever be and i've come to accept that i live here. indefinitely. as my first lady from harvest would say, settle that. lol. i have. and as i face a future here, i'm excited and nervous about what that brings. i will most likely get married here, start a family here, and build a community here. it's so weird to think that my babies will tell people, i'm from seattle. lol. oh how i long for those moments.

the prospects for marriage have had me disheartened during my time here but if this is truly where i'm supposed to be, and i believe it is, then everything else has to fall into place. august 1 is the start of a new beginning so to speak, and i welcome love. i embrace all that love has for me in the form of my mate. and i'm ready to build my future with him. i can't wait to know who he is. i've already been praying for him.

before you know it

i had a moment today where i realized that my emotions were controlling me. i work hard to not be moved by my emotions. they usually led you astray. thankfully, i have friends who know how to talk me off the ledge. after getting sound council - there is a difference between sound council and council - i am able to make a decision. and that decision is to wait. don't you just love it?

i'll be talking to my father about the situation and asking how he wants to use me in this moment but the point is that i'm not acting out of emotion, which would have brought a completely different outcome.

i say that i love unconditionally and i want to learn how to do that better. unconditional love requires us to be far more compassionate, forgiving, humble and understanding. it means sometimes you have to suck it up and still be there for people that have hurt you, or otherwise done things that make you want to back up. that is when you should start praying. otherwise, before you know it you have made the wrong decision. when left to our own devices, we usually mess things up. i know that to be true in my life.

thank you lord for my friends. you certainly showed amazing love and care for me when you brought us together. i couldn't ask for better friends. in fact, i couldn't create better friends for me. i just couldn't!

i wasn't wrong

learned today that my instincts were correct and i'm not alone in my desire to break free. it was crazy because i have been working on trusting my instincts more. to hear what i heard today just sealed the deal. i wasn't wrong.

the question now is how to handle it. obviously a conversation needs to take place but i'm not at all okay with what is going on and i'm not okay with keeping quiet about it. oh what to do what to do. guess i'll check in with my instincts and see what they are say.

blog it out

today i had another one of those moments that i hate. it's not quite a pity party but rather one of those sad displays of emotion when i realize that i'm no closer to being married now than i was a year ago.

it hit me like a ton of bricks today because of a few announcements of recent engagements coupled with time home with my family where most of my younger cousins are already married with kids. sigh. and i'm the single professional, educated cousin who has everything figured out except how to find a man. they don't have to say it, i feel it when they look at me. and it doesn't get easier when i hold their children and cry on the inside because i honestly wonder if my chances at motherhood are in jeopardy. it's not a pity party. more like a panic party. i was at my desk and i panicked!

my friends understand of course and told me all the encouraging things i needed to hear and reminded me that i am indeed closer to being married than i was last year as it's a whole year later and god is working it out.

man i wish i understood god's timeline. i wish i understood why it was perfectly normal for some people to get married in their 20s and start families while it doesn't seem in the plans for me yet and i'm in my 30s. early 30s, but still 30s. what was special about them? and what's not special about me? see, that's the panic party talk!

my friend said she was sending me a hug through chat. you know, sometimes you just need to hug it out. but sometimes you need to blog it out. i needed to give words to those emotions of panic so i can use god's word to cast them down. he knows the plans he has for me. to bring me a future and expected end. he has not forgotten about me or my love life or my desire for a hubby and family. he knows those things and while i gave into the panic, i'm not going to wallow in it.

it is indeed hard some days to see everyone else celebrating anniversaries and birthdays for their children and not being able to join in. while i was home. my friend's mom asked me on the sly about my love life. i promise i'm trying. i really am. i don't know what i'm doing wrong or not getting. but i'm trying. and i'm trying to stay sane as time passes and it hasn't happened yet. operative words being yet. it hasn't happened yet. but boy i can't wait to shout i do. and then tell everyone that matters (and that list is quite short actually!) that i's married now.

does that sound desperate? who cares. i know what i want and the only people who don't get what they want are the ones who don't ask for it and seek it. that ain't me!

unplugged

my favorite lauryn hill cd is her unplugged music. of all the songs she put out, it was that single event that i loved the most. she took off the mask and gave us the pure, real deal. it was great. and whenever i'm feeling overly affected by the noise around me i plug in my ipod and listen to those songs and i feel lighter. freer.

there is something about unplugging that changes things for you. tuning out all the noise. stepping away from all the action. walking away from all the tasks. i can breath and rest. it's like walking out psalms 23 in your mind and visualizing what that looks like. still waters. restoration. green pastures. aw, that's more like it.

my powers came with an extra scoop of freak

i have become addicted to the nine lives of chloe king. it's funny and has all the good stuff teen superhero girl should have. but i really like it because i feel a lot like chloe some days. my powers came with an extra scoop of freak.

no i don't have any actual powers. that would be dope if i did. but i don't. what i do have is an extra scoop of compassion. i wasn't always that way. god has perfected that in me and while i still have a long way to go, he has done a work. i mean a major work. sometimes my level of compassion for people makes me feel like a freak. i don't like to see people in pain. and i know when people are in pain. can't explain it but after watching chloe king, i guess it's empathy. i'll search that out some more to see what it's really about but i like walking in compassion.

how great is our god and how marvelous are his works? i'm one of his works and i'm so glad he made me the way i am. even when people don't get me or understand me i'm so thankful to be exactly who i am, extra scoop of freak and all!

when life gives you lemons ...

throw those bastards at all the people who love to keep drama and mess started!

yes i have a slightly violent side. but i'm convinced some people need to be hit over the head with something hard to knock some sense in them! not too hard, don't want to hurt them. but they need to know that all the foolishness they keep going is stupid. just plain stupid. and a waste of time and energy. and if you keep coming at me with crazy i'm going to hit you with a ginormous lemon!

right now, things in life are, let's just say, not the best. lots of stuff going on and lots of reasons to stay focused. and yet, life keeps throwing these distractions at me. people who have been solid in my life are acting out of character. it's confusing and since i know god is not the author of confusion, i'm gonna call a spade a spade. these lemons of life are annoying. if i get distracted i'm not focused on my goals and those are far more important than the people bringing the distractions.

so i'm taking a breather for a bit. gonna focus on what's important and ignore the other noise. and if that means you get cut off in the process, kanye shurg. i like you, i do. but your drama is not welcome in my life and i make no apologies for it. come at me again with some foolishness and i promise i'm gonna tag you with that big ol yellow sour lemon. try me and see.

How do I love thee ...

Let me count the wine glasses. Hehe. Hung with the family tonight and had some great laughs and lots of wine. It was deck night. Made famous by Dionne and hosted tonight by Sarah. Almost felt like old times. My family is hella crazy but I wouldn't trade them for anyone else.

During conversation we discussed se of the foolishness that has popped up and my brother commented about a chess game and strategy. You have to be playing a game to set someone up and I'm not into games but I am a strategist. So here is the deal. You can try to play me like a game of chess just know that your next move needs to be your best move or your wasting your time. I'm okay not having time robbers and silly people in my life. I'm gonna be fine whether you come along for the ride or not. But be clear, I can and will withdraw the invitation if your baggage stinks or is full of mess.