You always want what you don't have

Aw those were the words my dear cousin spoke to me when we discussed marriage. She asked me how do you know you want to be married? I should have asked her how did she know when she decided to get married a decade ago but I didn't. I didn't say anything because I was shocked that my "happily" married cousin couldn't understand why her 33 year old single cousin would want to be married. And then she further Insulted me by saying marriage is work. No shit Sherlock. If it were easy I doubt the divorce rate would be 50%! She also said I need to do first things first and how could I talk about marriage and a family when I wasn't in a relationship. "you need to get to know someone first before you start talking marriage.". Oh really? I thought I could go pick someone out at the husband store and have a happy ending.

I'm still kind of angry with her for that conversation. And I'm angry with my other cousin for shitting on my personal preferences and beliefs and I'm angry at my brother for saying I don't know why you bother arguing with her as if I somehow did something to deserve this attack on my desire for love, marriage and family. I chose not to say anything because I was tired of all the damn arguing. My family was supposed to be coming to visit and have a good time. Instead I am left hurt and with no desire whatsoever to see or talk to them any time soon. I haven't forgiven them for being so rude and hurtful. Those things they said really hurt because my one desire above all else is to have someone to share my life with - to build a family with and grow old with. And to say I obviously don't want it because I don't choose their way!!! It's insane. We are not the same. The way she runs her house is completely at odds with how I run mine. I would never marry a man I couldn't worship with and there is no way in hell I'd raise an agnostic child and be okay with it. But I didn't call her a bad mother or wife. Because that's her choice and she can do whatever she wants in her house.

As I lie awake at 2am still crushed from that conversation and those words I realize I should have said something. I don't know what it is about me that keeps me from saying when someone's words have hurt me. I tend to just let it slide and move on. But the truth is moving on takes a while. I'm awake hurt by what happened and they probably haven't even thought about it again. They certainly aren't welcome back in my house but it will take some time before I welcome them back in my life.

And I have to find a healthy way to express myself without being hateful. That was the problem in the past. I didn't know how to fight back without doing real damage. I want to fight fair. I don't want to destroy people just because I'm angry. But saying nothing isn't working. Not sleeping isn't working.

It's so crazy because I was so excited to see them. After 4 years of living here my cousins were finally coming. This was not the experience that I wanted. We had some good moments but those moments aren't keeping me up at night. I guess I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.

a study in diligence

a few weeks ago god gave me three words during prayer time with my sisters. i thought about them and said a prayer and quickly forgot them. they kept coming up in conversation, but honestly i didn't heed the importance god was placing on these words. and then my sister told me about her study of the words and i felt convicted. god gave the words for a reason. i was being disobedient!

i'm typically a compliant child. i do complain and groan sometimes but in the end i tend to obey. sometimes i obey without complaining. i want to be more obedient - i'm a work in progress. i think my failure to obey sometimes comes from a place of not accepting what god is saying. i know i'm not alone in that. sometimes i just don't want to hear what god is telling me. i don't want "that" to be my story so i just tune him out. the result is frustration and anger on my part and in the end, i obey. sigh.

that is exactly what's happening now. i'm so not happy with the chapter my life story is in right now and i rebel. i know god has a purpose and plan and it will bring me the ultimate good. i don't always want to go through the process to get to the ultimate good. i rebel against the process. and that brings me to one of the three words god spoke to me. they all start with a "d". the first word is diligent.

i'll let that sink in for a second. diligent is a heavy word. it's an adjective that describes something. god wants us to be diligent workers, diligent daughters and sons, diligent parents, diligent witnesses. diligent.

since i'm now being obedient, i did a little research on the word diligent. the definition is kind of dope. or maybe that's the wordsmith in me coming out.

diligent - characterized by steady, earnest and energetic effort; marked by persevering, painstaking effort; having or showing care and conscientiousness in one's work or duties.

the first take away is that diligence doesn't come overnight. you don't just do something once and become diligent. it's a constant act, and it's intentional. it also shows a level of importance and pride in what you do. you're putting forth your best.

so, i had my definition. next i needed to have some scripture to find out what god was saying when he gave me that word. (you know, other than i had become lazy and complacent.)

i did a quick online search of diligent in the bible and talk about having your socks knocked off. when god talks about being diligent in the bible, it's almost always connected to obedience and blessings. when we are diligent in obeying his commandments - to love and honor him with our lives - he is faithful to bless us with abundance.

he says it over and over and over. if i am diligent in service to god, he is diligent in providing for me. and not just for me, but all those i am connected to. he will bless me to bless all those i come into contact with.

let me just say this is juicy stuff! and this is just the first word! i have two more "d" words to go before i fully comprehend what god was saying to me two weeks ago during prayer.

i am so far from having all the answers. i don't actually seek to have all the answers. but i do seek after god and his purpose and plan for me. i do seek to be pleasing to god. i know i fall short but he's faithful and just to forgive me each and every time.

as i continue to study out what god is saying through the word diligent, i commit to make that adjective an accurate description of me!

i am diligent. and i'll keep confessing it until it is a true reflection of me. i am a diligent writer. i am a diligent wife. i am a diligent mother. i am a diligent daughter. i am a diligent worker. i am a diligent friend. i am a diligent believer. i am diligent.

today i wanted to scream

i would scream if i thought it would make a difference. today, i just broke down. it came out of nowhere and was a reminder of how incredibly tired i am of this. i'm not complaining. i'm not angry. but i'm tired.

i want to scream because i wonder if maybe god just doesn't hear me. i think about hopping in my car and driving to some remote parking lot and just letting go. the idea makes me feel better. i'm not sure the actual act would. i don't think not hearing me is the problem.

today i was just overwhelmed with the sheer pain of it all. and i wondered if maybe god wasn't able to feel my pain. could he possibly understand how much i hurt to be this alone? to feel such a huge void in your heart that you know was created to be shared and filled by someone important?

i wondered if he understood how scared i was that this would be my reality forever. i've had a few conversations with people under 30 lately who have taken small jabs. maybe they didn't realize they were making jabs. but one said if you're over 30 and still single, maybe it's you. i'm sure screaming then definitely wouldn't have helped. only made me look crazy - like something is wrong. nothing is wrong with me. or the  other women i know waiting and seeking love.

i can't speak for them. but i'm tired. i didn't do anything wrong. i didn't put career before love. i didn't isolate myself and give off a "fuck you" attitude. i didn't belittle the men around me and make them feel worthless. and yet, i'm over 30 and still waiting.

today i just broke down. i was minding my own business washing my hair and it crept up, from deep inside my soul. that pain that i soothe and quiet by quoting scriptures and making affirmations and speaking faith. but today, that wasn't enough. today the pain was overwhelming and i couldn't keep it from boiling to the surface. today i wanted to scream because i wanted to make sure god heard me and understood how much i hurt. how tired i am. how much i desire to NOT live like this.

i know he hears. i just wonder when he's going to answer. when is the waiting going to stop? a scripture isn't enough. an affirmation isn't enough. a story about holding on isn't enough. i'm just so tired.

searching for balance in a high octane world

i have been working on this document for the last two hours and i've only gotten a page done. there is so much going on in my head and i have all these ideas. right now, i'm having trouble getting them down on paper. i need to turn this document in tomorrow and i'm getting tired. this needs to be good. i feel so much pressure to knock everything out of the ballpark because i know my organization has high expectations. i don't always feel like i live up to those expectations. it's hard finding a balance. you cannot run on high octane forever.

i'm giving myself another hour to knock this project out and then i'm heading to bed. whatever isn't done will have to be completed tomorrow. let's just hope i get it done tonight! i'd really like to check it off my list!

what makes me so special

i think i stress how much i hate dating on a semi regular basis just to make sure people understand how awful i find dating. then i decided to change my language because if i know nothing else, i know our words are powerful and they bring life or death. to say i hate dating means i expect death. i now say i'm enjoying dating. well, that's probably a stretch. i'm enjoying getting to know people. that's more accurate.

getting to know someone means finding all the ways in which they are special and discovering all the areas they aren't. it means learning to be okay with those not so pleasant areas if you find yourself captivated by the good. let's face it. no one is perfect. as much as we try, we kind of suck sometimes.

i'm in the process of getting to know someone. for all intents and purposes he seemed promising. i was looking forward to getting to know what makes him special. my annoyance came in when he didn't seem to enjoy the thrill of discovery as much as me. honestly, he just seemed ready to get me in bed. i ain't never been that type. so this was a huge let down.

so i flipped the script on him and asked what made me so special that he wanted to get to know me that way. his answer was -- i cringe even now just thinking about it -- another let down. he likes what i presented. but don't we all tend to put our best foot forward when getting to know someone? shouldn't you be interested in digging beyond the surface to discover what a person's true character is?

we're all icebergs. the majority of our mass is hidden beneath the surface. the ultra cool parts, the truly ugly parts, the succulent sweet parts and the face-squenching bitter parts all lie beneath the surface. waiting to be explored. waiting to be discovered. i wanted him to be interested in discovering my character before he was interested in exploring my body.

the truly sad part was the comment that my belief in valuing myself as a gift worthy of cherishing somehow meant i was both unrealistic and unable to enjoy life. he is flawed in his thinking. my extremely full and active and joyous life is witness to my total enjoyment of all life has to offer.

they say the average couple has sex after only 3 dates. i'm not average. i'm exceptional. and i'm not alone. the only difference between other women and me is i know i'm exceptional. maybe no one has told them yet. i would like to be the one that tells you - yes you! you are indeed exceptional, valuable, beautiful, worthy to be cherished, special. let the next man that enters your life spend time discovering your character before he explores your body. he just might be the last man to get a first kiss from you. now wouldn't that be special!

The most natural thing in the world

I'm talking to my sisters on the phone and laughing at one who keeps threatening my life if I don't get my writing life right. I laugh because I can't argue with her. She's right. I do need to get it together. I am the lazy servant who buries her talent in the ground hidden and safe but not benefiting anyone or myself. Hidden and wasted from the world it was designed to bring joy and healing to. I know it. I've always known it. Tonight I laughed because I got chastised by my sister who only wants the best for me. I laugh because I have challenged her on things where her own hardheadedness blocked gods blessings. And now it's my turn.

I asked another sister as this conversation unfolded why she was blocked from writing. She mentioned being exposed. I thought about that. Am I afraid of being exposed and open? Actually no. I vowed to be open and transparent. I try to own all of my experience as it's a part of me. I'm not afraid of feeling exposed. Im not sure what the real deal is but I'm going to spend time figuring it out. Why do I avoid writing when it's the most natural thing in the world for me? I need find the answer to that question.

I'm looking forward to discovering the story that is first on the list. There are so many!

somethings should definitely change

i just spent the weekend with my soul sisters at our college reunion and we had such a great time. of course we wish it could have lasted longer but it won't be long before we're able to take week long vacations with each other and maybe our families. the joy of growing up with people is you get to see the changes and growth as the years go by. it's truly a beautiful thing to witness how we have all gone from 17 or 18 year old girls ready to break free and explore the world to amazing 30s comfortable with who we are,our place in the world and our plans for world domination. i love the women we have become. and i love the ways we will continue to grow.

that said, i was sad to learn at our reunion that not everyone has been on a journey of growth. i guess it's not surprising because not everyone recognizes that somethings should definitely change. personally, when i discover something is not working, i look at my role in it and come up with a plan for change. growth is beautiful. not everyone agrees. i can accept that. it is just sad to see it in action. carrying around that much anger, bitterness, etc., just means you have a huge chip on your shoulder that keeps you from 1) being free and 2) enjoying life!

i told the world when the year started that i'm moving forward in all areas of my life. i'm talking about living in abundance and that place where my cup runs over with goodness! i'm all about sharing out of the overflow. you can't live in the overflow when you're holding on to the sour, old, staleness of the past. i believe she's a good person. she has a good heart. my prayer is that she opens her heart to receive goodness. that she forgives those who wronged her. that she releases herself from bondage. that she embraces the fruits of the spirit. joy, love, peace, kindness, longsuffering, etc.

somethings should definitely change and feeling the need to be right or check people or call them out all the time, that's immature and ridiculous! i mean really, smile, GOD LOVES YOU! and when you smile the whole world smiles back. everyone should try it!

an empty cup can be refilled

i know everyone has heard that phrase don't cry over spilt milk. of course it's pointless as the damage is done and all you can really do is clean up and move on right? but for some reason, we mourn the milk that was lost. maybe somebody back in the day was enjoying an awesome snack of oreos and milk and knocked over their glass of milk and pitched a fit. actually, in that case i totally understand crying over spilt milk! i mean really, oreos and milk were meant to be forever!

but the truth is once the milk is spilt and your glass is now empty, it's ready to be refilled. right? an empty cup can handle a refill. sometimes the refill is more of the same. it was so good the first time we want seconds. sometimes the refill is a chance to try something new. maybe you had milk the first time and you want orange juice the second time. either way, an empty cup can be filled!

i've made no secret of striving to be a transparent woman. i try not to hide my flaws because they are a part of me - mind, body and soul. i love who i am. even when i'm having a bad day or a diva moment or sad out of my mind, i still love the cumulative details of my life. most days i think life is pretty close to perfect. sure some things are missing but i don't feel empty in the least. i would like to think that is because i'm a believer in knowing who god says i am and not who this crazy weird of backwards thinking people think i am. i know my worth because it's determined by the one who created me. he knows who i am, what i'm capable of and what i can be.

that knowledge alone makes me rejoice at the opportunity to have my cup refilled. when i've emptied out, i look forward to knowing what god wants to pour in me. maybe it's just me, but isn't it awesome when you remember he wants our cups to run over to overflowing? yep, an empty cup can be refilled!

preparing for the party

this weekend i am sharing my space, creativity and general love of life with some amazing women. i've invited them to my home to fellowship with each other and do a clever craft project i found on pinterest. we're making magnetic makeup or jewelry boards! i'm very excited to see what the ladies come up with. i'm a creative person and believe we all have creativity floating around inside. how can we not when we were created by the most thoughtful, purposeful and imaginative God? he speared nothing when creating and that same energy and power lives in us!

but having a party means lots of preparation and so i've been busy choosing menus, purchasing supplies and food and beverages. i've cleaned and rearranged and even gotten rid of a few things to get my space ready to welcome these ladies. i even hung up some new art work! art inspires creativity and i want the ladies to be in full communion with their creative energy.

despite all the preparations, i'm giddy with excitement. i can't wait to see all of the ladies tomorrow.

New kid on the block

while having prayer with my sisters tonight we talked about being the new kid on the block how awkward that can be. having relocated to both coast in my adult life i know a thing or two about being the new kid. it definitely sucks. but to my surprise my sisters thought i was well suited for it because i have no problem making friends. as one joked, "you just walk up to people and say hi i'm soandso, do you want to be my friend?"

that made me laugh. it's not quite that simple. lol. but honestly making friends is never hard for me. i'm not super charasmatic or anything but over the last few years i've discovered that more often than not, people are drawn to me. i've come to learn that i have high vibrations and radiance. it's not always but when i'm doing the things necessary to care for myself - alone time, meditation, pampering, reading, connecting with nature, learning, etc. - i give off something that draws people to me.

i'm not a perfect woman, sometimes i'm moody and emotional and i've been known to be rude on occassion, but it is my sincere desire to be the hands, feet and heart of god extended in this earth. i want to touch people with his love. i want to demonstrate his compassion and grace and mercy. those things aren't easy. they were completely revolutionary when jesus taught them. love your enemies? care for the poor and windows and aliens? talk to the strangers and the dirty and broken? you know what that means? you have to understand what it's like to be the new kid on the block. you have to understand what it's like to be marginalized by society. you have to understand what it's like to be on the outside looking in.

people are quick to tell you things happen for a reason. yes they do. they happen because we speak them into existence or someone else spoke them into existense. there is no such thing has happenstance. it's fine if you disagree. we won't fall out over it. but it is 100% true that life and death are in the power of the tongue and what we speak, we give life to. i told god i want to represent him and by golly he continues to provide opportunities for me to touch his people. most of the time, i don't have to go out of my way to do it. they come to me. they collide with me.

i think i'm making a new mantra. everyday i want to collide with god's abundant life, blessings, healing and love and i want to share out of the overflow. that's what self care is all about. it's filling up your cup so when it starts overflowing you are able to give out of the abundance. i want to live in that space everyday. i want to collide with that kind of godness!

keep and sweep

i was purusing my twitter timeline the other day when i saw a tweet from one of my tweeps that talked about tryng to do self forgiveness for past mistakes. i felt sad for her. we all make mistakes. i mean, boy we can really make a mess of things when we are busy being "grown" and doing what we want to do. the great thing is most of us grow up and when we do, we can look back on our past mistakes and see them as lessons learned.

but what happens when you don't view your past mistakes as lessons? are you doomed to continue to repeat them? if you constantly beat yourself up for the mistakes of the past, are you able to move forward? we know the answer to both of these questions.

self forgivness is just as important as getting the forgiveness of god and those you hurt. we have to release ourselves of the prisons we put ourselves in because god never meant for us to be locked up in the first place. he desires that we live free and forgiveness is key to that freedom.

i wish i could have had a conversation with the lady who created that post - the woman that found it hard to forgive herself for past mistakes. the woman who continued to through away the key to her emotional and mental freedom because she believed the lies about her past and not the truth. she needs to have a keep and sweep moment. a time to reflect on who she is and who she wants to be. she needs a time let god reveal her truth so her reflection matches his and not the one muddied by the lies the world tells. she needs to keep the truths about herself and about her past and about her future. and she needs to sweep awawy everything else.

do you need to have a keep and sweep? i think we all do from time to time. take a few minutes to think about it. you know the answer. go ahead and clear your schedule. prepare to cry and laugh and maybe even dance. have a pen and notebo to write down your truths and the things you need to keep. and grab a broom so you can physically sweep all the crap, and garbage and muck that has dirtied up your temple. go ahead and get free!

He moves precisely when he chooses

There are a few truths we can universally accept no matter where we are born, what language we speak or what principles guide our lives. We know we are born, we will die and the time in between is called life. Of course there are tons more to add to that list but I'm not trying to be exhaustive, just practical.

The thing we call life is a mix of joy, victory, pain and loss. Sometimes we are in seasons of great struggle and it's hard to persevere. Other times we are in seasons of rest and we are rejuvenated. Still other times are seasons of abundance or lack or war or peace. There is a time for everything under the sun. That also means there is a time for god to move and a time for us to wait. I hate waiting. It sucks monkey balls. But it's necessary. There are lessons in learning just as there are lessons in seeing god move. I guess the important thing is to remember that good is moving while we wait. But he moves precisely when he chooses. And he reveals to us his plan precisely when he chooses.

That is a hard pill to swallow when your season of waiting has dragged on and on. Let's face it, we like the story of abram and sarai but no one wants to be them! No one wants to relate to them first hand. So how do you keep holding on when you are waiting for the precise time god chooses to move? I'm going to continue to praise and press in for my sister but I'm demanding the help from on high to replenish all that is expended during the wait. Waiting is quite exhausting and her strength through it all has ministered to me. I'm believing manifestation is near. And I call down her help until it happens.

Sometimes he blows my mind

I have to tell you I had the most amazing day. I joked by saying my whole life was made but really it was pretty amazing.

I woke up in time to see sunrise. I'm not sure when that last happened. Mostly because I hate waking up in the morning. But today I was up and I got out for breakfast with a friend and her foster baby. We shopped after and then hit the beach.

The sun was so bright and vibrant today and it was clear enough to see the snow capped mountains. We walked and talked and enjoyed the sheer majesty of what god created for us to enjoy and protect.

The day was capped off by a fabulous appearance of a pod of orca whales. The swam in sync diving and breaching and spouting over and over. I can't begin to express the joy I get from taking in the creative beauty of our world. Sometimes god blows my mind with the thought and foresight he put into creating our world. Whales weigh tons and yet they can float through water as if they weighed nothing. Mountains are so high they can be covered in snow year round. Bays can be so deep they support whole new worlds of life. Babies can be brought into a life of turmoil and still hold wonder in their eyes.

Yep. Mind blown.

God is for me

I haven't been in a serious writing mood in a while. I've been thinking about something's but I've not written them down. But then I saw something on my friends pinterest and thought, that sums it up nicely for me. That's what I'm saying. So I'm sharing it.

sometimes you need to be fireproof

i had the awesome privilege of hearing joel osteen last friday. i'm excited for two reasons. one, i got to hear an amazing word from god the first week of the year. second, i got to see joel! his positivety is an inspiration and not everyone gets it. he's called to fill a void in the christian ghetto and i'm glad he knows who he is and what he's called to do. his ministry touches my life in many ways. but i'm excited to write this post because i got such a rhema word on january 6, 2012 and i want to mark it.

i got several rhema words, nuggets of truth that i believe were timely for starting this new year. i have a word and a vision for this year and i can say without a doubt that god spoke to those things friday night.

1. sometimes we have to stop fighting the storm and let down our sails and let the storm blow us where god wants us to be. that is a hard thing to do - stop fighting. we like to fight. joyce meyers wrote a book about having arms long enough to box with god. we're a scrappy bunch, us christians. we want to fight. joel told the story of paul being shipwrecked and how sometimes fighting the storm or praying it away is the wrong thing to do.

Acts 27:

When a light wind began blowing from the south, the sailors thought they could make it. So they pulled up anchor and sailed close to the shore of Crete.But the weather changed abruptly, and a wind of typhoon strength (called a “northeaster”) burst across the island and blew us out to sea. The sailors couldn’t turn the ship into the wind, so they gave up and let it run before the gale. We sailed along the sheltered side of a small island named Cauda,where with great difficulty we hoisted aboard the lifeboat being towed behind us.Then the sailors bound ropes around the hull of the ship to strengthen it. They were afraid of being driven across to the sandbars of Syrtis off the African coast, so they lowered the sea anchor to slow the ship and were driven before the wind.

 The next day, as gale-force winds continued to batter the ship, the crew began throwing the cargo overboard.The following day they even took some of the ship’s gear and threw it overboard.The terrible storm raged for many days, blotting out the sun and the stars, until at last all hope was gone. No one had eaten for a long time. Finally, Paul called the crew together and said, “Men, you should have listened to me in the first place and not left Crete. You would have avoided all this damage and loss. But take courage! None of you will lose your lives, even though the ship will go down and he said, ‘Don’t be afraid, Paul, for you will surely stand trial before Caesar! What’s more, God in his goodness has granted safety to everyone sailing with you. So take courage! For I believe God. It will be just as he said. But we will be shipwrecked on an island.” it's is natural for us to pray for god to remove the storm or bring it to an end. sometimes god has a greater purpose in us being blown from point at to point b in the storm as he did with paul. an entire nation was saved because god used a storm to put paul exactly where he wanted him to be.

 Acts 28: Once we were safe on shore, we learned that we were on the island of Malta.The people of the island were very kind to us. It was cold and rainy, so they built a fire on the shore to welcome us. As Paul gathered an armful of sticks and was laying them on the fire, a poisonous snake, driven out by the heat, bit him on the hand.The people of the island saw it hanging from his hand and said to each other, “A murderer, no doubt! Though he escaped the sea, justice will not permit him to live.”But Paul shook off the snake into the fire and was unharmed.The people waited for him to swell up or suddenly drop dead. But when they had waited a long time and saw that he wasn’t harmed, they changed their minds and decided he was a god. 

Near the shore where we landed was an estate belonging to Publius, the chief official of the island. He welcomed us and treated us kindly for three days. As it happened, Publius’s father was ill with fever and dysentery. Paul went in and prayed for him, and laying his hands on him, he healed him. Then all the other sick people on the island came and were healed. As a result we were showered with honors, and when the time came to sail, people supplied us with everything we would need for the trip. it requires more of us to release control than it does for us to pray for god to remove something from us. we need to accept that god is still god whether it's calm or raging storm. and whatever the enemy means for our harm, god always means it for our good. all things work together for our good.



 2. sometimes being delivered from the storm is not enough. sometimes god needs us to be fireproof because there is a greater need for god to accomplish. that is where shadrach, meshach and abednego come in to play. we all know that the three hebrew boys were faced with bowing to a king who wanted to be god or honoring god and dying in the furnace. they said they knew they served a god who could do the impossible and delivering them from the firey furnace was absolutely nothing. but if not, he was still god. i've often wondered if i've ever had that moment where i accepted that god is more than able to do the impossible and deliver me from everything and anything. but what if he chose not to? would i be okay with that? would i be able to trust him then? and when i say trust him, the question i'm really asking is do i believe god knows better than me? because i wouldn't willingly walk into a fiery furnace. i'd rather have god deliver me from the fire. but what if god received greater glory from me being in the fire?

that was the case with the hebrew boys. god didn't want to deliver them. he wanted to make them fire proof. he wanted to win over a nation of people and not just reinforce the beliefs of three people. god always has a greater purpose for our lives than we can ever begin to conceive. most of the time, we think too small. it's not a terrible critique on us because the bible does say god's thoughts are higher than our thoughts. we'll never measure up. so we just have to trust god to be god. and trust that when he takes us through something it is meant to bring us the ultimate good in the end. not ever thing that happens to us is god's doing. but because he's god, he uses those things to work for our good. he uses the storm to blow us from point a to point b. and point be is precisely where we were meant to be. and for the record, the only thing that burned in the fire were the ropes used to bound the hebrew boys. they walked out free of bondage without the smell of smoke on them. perhaps, by becoming fireproof, god is burning off the chains of bondage that actually hold us back from being who we're meant to be.

 

 3. in general, we dream too small. we think to small. we make god too small.but the bible also says in psalms 81:10: For it was I, the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt.Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things. i'm learning how to open my mouth. i'm learning how to speak what i want to see. i'm learning to trust god to do the impossible in my life and when i open my mouth to pray. so, i'm opening my mouth wide, and allowing god to fill it with good things. i've never seen that scripture before but i promise you i'll be meditating on it this month as i embark on a fast with my sisters. we're believing for some BIG things.

 

i need a theme song

the best parties have themes. the best shows have theme songs. and the best years have anthems. i find myself in need of a theme song to kick my year into high gear. i asked a few people to help me with a few suggestions and nothing really fit. i'm not sure what i'm looking for exactly but it needs to be fierce. tyra banks top model fierce.

my requirements are that the song is something i can listen to every day if i so desire. and honestly i should at least listen once a week. it needs to be motivational and encouraging. it should be something i can pump up louder and louder and dance or air guitar or whip my hair back and forth. most importantly it has to have the attitude of a winner and fighter and and overall bad woman.

so, what song to choose? i'm really digging the nicki minaj song with rhianna but i can't really stand either of them and wouldn't be able to stomach that for a year. there's all i do is win but most of that song is garbage and i can't just play the chorus. i don't want a gospel song necessarily because i'm not trying to be all emotional. i just want to go hard and tackle the day and month and year like a beast. my quest will continue but if you have some suggestions please post youtube videos in the comments.

breaking up with disappointment

i dealt with a lot of disappointment growing up. i was disappointed that i grew up poor. i was disappointed that my father just never got it together to be there for us. i was disappointed that he made so many broken promises. i was disappointed that i was never as pretty as the other girls. i was disappointed that my mother was overweight. i was disappointed that my mother didn't seem to be happy that she had us. i was disappointed that i didn't really fit in at school. i was disappointed that i had hideous acne and dreadful hair. i was disappointed that the guy i was head over heels in love with never loved me back. i was disappointed that college wasn't quite the experience i was promised. i was disappointed that life didn't change much after college. i was always disappointed.

as an adult, i still found myself dealing with disappointment. i was disappointed that i had to work twice as hard to get promoted. i was disappointed that everyone seemed to be getting married but me and my friends. i was disappointed that my family didn't value education at all and i was watching another generation of dummies embarking on adulthood. i was disappointed that my love life never improved. i was disappointed that i still had acne!

the thing with disappointment is its inevitability. when we expect things, and those things don't happen, we get disappointed. vicious cycle, it is. but i have a dislike for futile cycles. some cycles are necessary - such as the cycle of life - but many cycles we endure are pointless. this cycle of disappointment has me at my wits end. i've decided i'm breaking up with disappointment.

say what? where they do that at? in my life that's where! i'm making a decision that instead of getting disappointed when my expectations aren't met, i'm going to focus on being grateful that things are working in my favor all around me. the hand of God is on my life no matter what and i'm going to choose to focus on that. i know now that i will fall short. falling short is also inevitable! but the thing about falling is you can always get back up again. so, i'm going to make it a priority this year to stop dwelling on my disappointments and start thanking god for how magnificent he has been in my life.

last year was such a hard year for me in so many ways. but it ended on a great note. i have been showered with his favor. if i can't be grateful for that, i don't deserve his goodness. i'm aware that i'm never going to deserve his goodness, mercy, grace or love. but i know that a grateful heart is a joyful heart and the joy of the lord is our strength.

so, disappointment, we had a good run you and i. but it's over. i can't stand the stink of you or the feel of you or the sight of you. i'm breaking up with you. and whenever i feel you trying to creep back into my life, i'm going to make a quick top 10 list of things i'm grateful for that day. yep, it's on like donkey kong!

oh january, what do you have in store?

some days if i'm not careful, i can go the entire day in silence. well, not really silence because i'm always talking to myself. but i can go an entire day without talking to anyone else. usually when i see those days forming, i try to talk on the phone. but today i just wanted to rest and relax.

i slept a lot. partly because i stayed up all night finishing my book. partly because i didn't have anything to do today and didn't feel like getting up. and then i went out for a bit to run errands, so i talked to the cashiers of course, and came back home. i cooked some bomb gumbo and then took a nap. now it's 8:30 and i need to start getting ready for work. i plan to be in bed by 10:30. i'm still kind of tired. that's what vacation does to me.

i'm also slightly sad. not deep sadness, just a little sad about something that happened yesterday. i'll get over it. just takes me a few days sometimes. the year has started off fairly decent in that nothing has gone wrong. nothing terribly exciting has happened by that's actually normal. lol. glad this is a short work week because those four days will no doubt feel like 10! and i still haven't done anything to my hair so i need to figure out what i'm going to do with it for tomorrow. it rained today. it's not super straight but it's definitely still straight. guess another braid out is in order.

oh january, what do you have in store for me? 2012, what do you have in store for me? i've thought about this year in passing but i confess to not giving it my full attention. haven't vision boarded. haven't written my 3 to try 3 to learn lists. haven't fully dreamed about what i want to see manifest in my life this year. i know the basics. i won't speak them now because i feel like i say them enough. but i do long for that area to be addressed. i also continue to pray for strength to release the things i need to release. no one likes a bag lady. think i might find a counselor to work out some of these strongholds. just need to talk through some things without judgement so i can figure out what is the best thing for me. everyone thinks they know but really they don't. we don't know what's best for each other unless we've been given a word from god. i'm very mindful of that.

make it last forever?

does anything last forever these days? i don't think so. mostly  because forever is ... well, forever. it's kind of infinite. but things can last as long as we work to make them last. but not everything is supposed to last forever. somethings need to be released, ended. i struggled last year with releasing things. it's hard sometimes. i'm sure you already know that. but it's a new year.

i don't think a new year means a new you. it's not automatic at all. you have to be intentional about things in your life. the truth is we can will/create/speak into existence the life we want. we can't control the timing all the time but we can have what we say. i know this from experience. it's not disputable. but since it is a new year, it's a good time to release things that shouldn't take up permanent residence in your life. i know it won't be easy -- i still struggle. wish i didn't but i'm always honest. i struggle. haven't quite reached my letting go point. but it won't be long.

accepting that some things do have an ending - an expiration date - is a part of growing up. i'm definitely trying to grow in that area. one step at a time. i released some things last year. i plan to put on my big girl panties and do it again until i've released the things that have no business lasting forever. and then i'm opening myself to receive all the things that are meant to last. 2012 will be epic in many ways. but lord give me the strength to let go when the time comes.