let me start by saying i'm distressed that i keep missing my writing dates. sigh. not sure how i forgot yesterday. it was a busy day but i had down time! oh well, it's a new day and i'm taking care of the writing date now!
a while back i said that i was going to take some time to write about my feelings on being invisible. i won't start by saying i am an invisible woman. that's not exactly true. but honestly, i sometimes feel invisible to men. not all men, as my coca cola bottle figure guarantees i get "attention" from them. i mean invisible in the sense that it's always someone else in the group that gets the attention and i become the wing girl. it's been that way as long as i could remember. i was always too dark, too smart, not trendy, not cute, etc. it all boiled down to me not being "right." that realization haunted me throughout my teens and early adult years. it made me feel unpretty. unworthy. undesirable. you name it. there is a whole list of acceptable words to describe it. i was a rockstar in so many things (cheerleader, student leader, honor student, volunteer) but my self esteem was pretty low.
i'm not exactly sure when that changed to be honest. one day i looked in the mirror and said, that is one beautiful woman. i stopped believing that men not choosing me meant i wasn't beautiful. i realized that other things might be at play. so i started working on my attitude. i grew up in a less than ideal situation. it scarred me. when i started getting healed from those things, i started to experience joy. you can say what you want about therapy but i'll never regret getting counseling to work through the anger, betrayal, mistrust and hurt from my childhood. i'm not perfect now, but i'm definitely more whole, and by extension, better suited for marriage.
sadly, that didn't make men start knocking down my door. they still look, check me out, strike up conversation, but when they find that i'm not like other girls they back off. when i say i'm not like other girls, that doesn't mean i'm strange. i like science, history, politics, healthy debate, scifi/fantasy, comic books, action/adventure movies, outdoors activities, most sports, growing my own food, cooking, reading and being with family and friends. i think that makes me well rounded but as it turns out, it just makes me invisible to most men. i don't get it. but at this point in my life, i don't care anymore. some women are resolved to change so they can be whatever type of woman they need to be to catch a man. i'm only interested in being exactly who God created me to be. it has taken a while to arrive at this place, but i'm completely comfortable in my skin. i love me some me and i don't care who doesn't get me or who doesn't see.
there has been one man to date who actually saw me. it was like a light was shone on me when we met. after our first conversation he wanted to learn more. it was the first time in my adult life that i didn't feel invisible. it didn't work out but it was really nice to discover that i'm not invisible to all men. and when the time is right, i trust that the right man, the one who wants what i want, who's vision, passion and mission matches with mine, will find that spotlight shining on me and it will be all gravy. it's the one romantic aspiration you'll ever hear me utter. i want a fairytale ending to my love story. and i'm not ashamed to admit it!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
jumbled bunch of emotions
trying to focus when you have things on your mind is a huge struggle. my mind is racing about a number of things that i'm trying to process and release to god. i know, if you release it to god you're not supposed to continue thinking about it right? easier said than done.
i'm desperately waiting to hear about some important decisions that must be made. i know in my heart that change is near, i can sense it but it's one of those things where you know the journey is continuing up the road and you have no clue what lies ahead. that's where i am. transition. things are changing. usually i believe change is good. heck, i know i need change like i need air to breath. but the last few years the change has been … interesting. some good. mostly just interesting. i don't know exactly what to make of it.
i'm a jumbled bunch of emotions some days because i'm overwhelmed by the weight of it all. other times i'm fine. it's weird. i try to maintain an even keel so to speak. i like being balanced. god has a plan for me. a plan to prosper me and bring me an expected end. i take comfort in that. but i don't want to be complacent in my waiting season as i know there is work i should be doing. he's always on the move which means i need to be as well.
today i changed my status to say heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me. why? because surrendering requires courage. to truly trust that god holds my times, thinks highly of me and wants to gift me with good gifts requires agreement from me. i don't want to fight his plan. i don't want to fight his will. i guess i'm just scared of what his plan is. i know what i would like for my life and what i desire. it's hard to let go of the plans you have to accept the plans god has. mostly because there is a price to be paid. and i don't know what the cost is.
i'm single and childless. the truth is i want to be married and start a family. i've enjoyed my single season. it's lasted a while. i'm just ready for it to be over. that doesn't seem to be like too much to ask. and yet, movement in that area seems nonexistent. what am i supposed to make of that? does god not want that for me? does he have other plans? do i really want what he wants if it doesn't include a family of my own? honestly, i don't. i want a family. some days it's all i think about. other days i'm okay while i wait for it to happen. as long as i believe it's going to happen. hence the jumbled emotions.
but it's not really something i talk about with people. some get it and some just don't. they've had a string of relationships that basically kept them from ever really having a single season. i've had one relationship. the rest of the time i've been flying solo. i'm over flying solo. it's pretty simple. it doesn't help that i had this crazy dream last night about that very thing. i only remember dreams that seem to have meaning - that are communicating something. i know what i would like it to be saying. not sure that's what it really means. something else to add to the answers needed list. it's a growing list. maybe i'm not still enough? maybe i'm not pressing in enough? maybe i'm not listening? i don't know. i just feel overwhelmed. so, it turns out that typing my thoughts out right now isn't helping. sigh. guess i'll do something else.
i'm desperately waiting to hear about some important decisions that must be made. i know in my heart that change is near, i can sense it but it's one of those things where you know the journey is continuing up the road and you have no clue what lies ahead. that's where i am. transition. things are changing. usually i believe change is good. heck, i know i need change like i need air to breath. but the last few years the change has been … interesting. some good. mostly just interesting. i don't know exactly what to make of it.
i'm a jumbled bunch of emotions some days because i'm overwhelmed by the weight of it all. other times i'm fine. it's weird. i try to maintain an even keel so to speak. i like being balanced. god has a plan for me. a plan to prosper me and bring me an expected end. i take comfort in that. but i don't want to be complacent in my waiting season as i know there is work i should be doing. he's always on the move which means i need to be as well.
today i changed my status to say heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me. why? because surrendering requires courage. to truly trust that god holds my times, thinks highly of me and wants to gift me with good gifts requires agreement from me. i don't want to fight his plan. i don't want to fight his will. i guess i'm just scared of what his plan is. i know what i would like for my life and what i desire. it's hard to let go of the plans you have to accept the plans god has. mostly because there is a price to be paid. and i don't know what the cost is.
i'm single and childless. the truth is i want to be married and start a family. i've enjoyed my single season. it's lasted a while. i'm just ready for it to be over. that doesn't seem to be like too much to ask. and yet, movement in that area seems nonexistent. what am i supposed to make of that? does god not want that for me? does he have other plans? do i really want what he wants if it doesn't include a family of my own? honestly, i don't. i want a family. some days it's all i think about. other days i'm okay while i wait for it to happen. as long as i believe it's going to happen. hence the jumbled emotions.
but it's not really something i talk about with people. some get it and some just don't. they've had a string of relationships that basically kept them from ever really having a single season. i've had one relationship. the rest of the time i've been flying solo. i'm over flying solo. it's pretty simple. it doesn't help that i had this crazy dream last night about that very thing. i only remember dreams that seem to have meaning - that are communicating something. i know what i would like it to be saying. not sure that's what it really means. something else to add to the answers needed list. it's a growing list. maybe i'm not still enough? maybe i'm not pressing in enough? maybe i'm not listening? i don't know. i just feel overwhelmed. so, it turns out that typing my thoughts out right now isn't helping. sigh. guess i'll do something else.
Monday, April 25, 2011
maybe it's just me
i'm kind of ticked at my friend right now. friendship allows you to have a falling out and still love each other. i'm thankful for that. but i'm also not at all happy about how things went down. my friend has consistently dismissed my feelings as if they don't matter and i've gotten to the point where i can't ignore it. it upsets me and makes me feel devalued. so how do you have that discussion without it getting out of hand or allowing more hurt to happen? i don't know. i'm trying to think through everything i want to say - angry and otherwise - so i can get my emotions under control during our conversation. i have a goal to not hurt people with the words i say, even when they are guilty of doing just that. i try very hard not to let someone else's actions affect how i behave. it can be hard but i don't want someone else changing who i am!
so i'm trying to formulate my thoughts so when we talk, it's clear that the actions are not appreciated and hurtful. but i want the anger and the hurt to be eased. i'm not naive and know that i'm hurt. but i'm always open to swift healing. some things i really just brush off. some things can't be brushed off. they must be addressed. and if they continue after the conversation, then i'm not sure what to do. a come to jesus meeting is supposed to solve everything! lol. and honestly, i want to focus on the positive. our come to jesus meeting will net results, whatever they may be.
so i'm trying to formulate my thoughts so when we talk, it's clear that the actions are not appreciated and hurtful. but i want the anger and the hurt to be eased. i'm not naive and know that i'm hurt. but i'm always open to swift healing. some things i really just brush off. some things can't be brushed off. they must be addressed. and if they continue after the conversation, then i'm not sure what to do. a come to jesus meeting is supposed to solve everything! lol. and honestly, i want to focus on the positive. our come to jesus meeting will net results, whatever they may be.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Disappointed again
How many times does a person have to disappoint you before you lose faith in them? It's a question I've been asking myself off and on the last few months. Some days I feel we have already crossed that line and reached the point of no return. Other days I know it will be impossible to reach that point if I accept that people will inevitably let you down. That's what we do afterall. Try to do right and fail measurably. We aren't always failures, or at least we shouldn't be. But the sad truth is that we will disappoint. I know that. I should be able to accept disappointment from others and move on. But it sucks so hard!
It's worse when the disappoint comes after someone failed to keep a promise that was based on his or her own suggestion. I didn't ask you to volunteer to do that. You decided on your own. And now I'm trying not to cry or sulk because you let me down. We are all human and make mistakes. But damn it your word should mean something. Lately it hasn't inspires trust. Where do we go from here?
It's worse when the disappoint comes after someone failed to keep a promise that was based on his or her own suggestion. I didn't ask you to volunteer to do that. You decided on your own. And now I'm trying not to cry or sulk because you let me down. We are all human and make mistakes. But damn it your word should mean something. Lately it hasn't inspires trust. Where do we go from here?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
in due time
i have problems with being patient. i can't help it. i try so hard to wait but then my impatience takes over. recently, i've been working to practice patience. it's a virtue that we all need and honestly i really want to be a more patient person. as with every challenge that we put into the universe, i was tested. the test has been long and hard and many nights i wondered what the heck was wrong with me for asking to be more patient. but in due time ....
lately i've been enjoying the benefits of patience. i can't say i persevered without complaining but here i am walking in blessings while working out my patience. life just doesn't happen the way we want most of the time. we mess up, make mistakes and sometimes life works out differently. things happen! but in due time, we receive those things we work toward. we achieve our goals when we remain focused and, yes, practice patience. if what you see is not what you saw then what you see is temporary.
lately i've been enjoying the benefits of patience. i can't say i persevered without complaining but here i am walking in blessings while working out my patience. life just doesn't happen the way we want most of the time. we mess up, make mistakes and sometimes life works out differently. things happen! but in due time, we receive those things we work toward. we achieve our goals when we remain focused and, yes, practice patience. if what you see is not what you saw then what you see is temporary.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
thank you for the things i did right
i think we tend to focus more than we should on the things we do wrong in life. we beat ourselves up for making mistakes, experiencing failure, disappointing ourselves and others and for not measuring up. we are our own worst critics. but what would happen if we became our best cheerleaders?
i was a cheerleader for 10 years so i know a thing or two about peeping up a team. i'm great at pepping up my friends and family when they need it. but sometimes i need the pepping up and no one is better able than me. because despite all the things i do wrong in the course of the day, i do many more things right. i make good choices most of the time. i take calculated risk that bring rewards. i say the right thing and i enjoy many successes.
so i'm going to take a few moments and say thank you God for all the victories i had today. thank you for all the things i got right.
i was a cheerleader for 10 years so i know a thing or two about peeping up a team. i'm great at pepping up my friends and family when they need it. but sometimes i need the pepping up and no one is better able than me. because despite all the things i do wrong in the course of the day, i do many more things right. i make good choices most of the time. i take calculated risk that bring rewards. i say the right thing and i enjoy many successes.
so i'm going to take a few moments and say thank you God for all the victories i had today. thank you for all the things i got right.
Monday, April 18, 2011
repair what's broken
like most people i have had a few broken relationships in my life. some i brushed off and kept moving. i thought i was better off. other times, i'm genuinely heartbroken because that person meant a lot to me. and still other times i feel impressed to seek reconciliation swiftly.
so much damage can be done to people when we dismiss them, their feelings or their pain. i am a firm believer that hurting people hurt people and i don't want to hurt people. so when i feel impressed to act i do it. you never know what state someone is in and what role you play in changing that.
just last week a young mother of four killed herself and three of her children. i can't imagine what level of desperation would lead to that kind of act. and i can't imagine what kind of life that 4th child will have. there had to be signs. and someone around her missed them.
my heart aches for hurting people because i know that things can be better. i grew up with a LOT of hurt. i was a truly damaged person by the time i made it to college. there are still things i struggle with in relations to approval and visibility. but facing the trauma made such a difference in my life.
somethings can't be ignored and when you notice brokenness, pray! you might be the catalyst for repair. and that's a great thing. because hurting people hurt people. if we can get people healed, imagine the effect that would have on relationships! i think we'd see some restoration of families and some healthy marriages. that's something i'd love to see.
so much damage can be done to people when we dismiss them, their feelings or their pain. i am a firm believer that hurting people hurt people and i don't want to hurt people. so when i feel impressed to act i do it. you never know what state someone is in and what role you play in changing that.
just last week a young mother of four killed herself and three of her children. i can't imagine what level of desperation would lead to that kind of act. and i can't imagine what kind of life that 4th child will have. there had to be signs. and someone around her missed them.
my heart aches for hurting people because i know that things can be better. i grew up with a LOT of hurt. i was a truly damaged person by the time i made it to college. there are still things i struggle with in relations to approval and visibility. but facing the trauma made such a difference in my life.
somethings can't be ignored and when you notice brokenness, pray! you might be the catalyst for repair. and that's a great thing. because hurting people hurt people. if we can get people healed, imagine the effect that would have on relationships! i think we'd see some restoration of families and some healthy marriages. that's something i'd love to see.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
how i got my smile back
life is funny! it can be sad, or joyous or scary at times. but it's usually funny. there are days when i feel like the events were so crazy i can't help but laugh. there are other days when i'm so overjoyed that i just want to laugh. and then there are those days when you need to exchange your spirit of heaviness for a spirit of joy and ... well laughter does the body good like a medicine!
i rediscovered laughter. seriously. i was finding it hard to laugh about things and one day i just had a gut busting laugh. i mean i laughed so hard my sides ached. i rolled on the floor, doubled over and hollered until all the air had escaped my lungs and diaphragm. i just laughed and laughed. i don't even remember what i was laughing about. i just allowed myself to laugh. and in the process, i rediscovered my smile. that feature that people seem to notice instantly when they meet me. that presence that seems to draw people to me returned and i felt like myself again.
there are a whole lot of people and circumstances that would love to dictate how you react to the world around you. but the power is ultimately yours. i had yielded my power to be happy to my circumstances and a few people who i thought mattered. they don't. because at the end of the day the only approval i seek is God's. he has the power to make me prosper and he has the power to define me. i only care what he thinks. and what he says about me. in remembering that simple truth, i got my smile back. if yours is missing, i hope you realize how to get yours back too!
i rediscovered laughter. seriously. i was finding it hard to laugh about things and one day i just had a gut busting laugh. i mean i laughed so hard my sides ached. i rolled on the floor, doubled over and hollered until all the air had escaped my lungs and diaphragm. i just laughed and laughed. i don't even remember what i was laughing about. i just allowed myself to laugh. and in the process, i rediscovered my smile. that feature that people seem to notice instantly when they meet me. that presence that seems to draw people to me returned and i felt like myself again.
there are a whole lot of people and circumstances that would love to dictate how you react to the world around you. but the power is ultimately yours. i had yielded my power to be happy to my circumstances and a few people who i thought mattered. they don't. because at the end of the day the only approval i seek is God's. he has the power to make me prosper and he has the power to define me. i only care what he thinks. and what he says about me. in remembering that simple truth, i got my smile back. if yours is missing, i hope you realize how to get yours back too!
enjoying the fruits of my labor
sadly two days have gone by since i took a few minutes to blog. i'm disappointed that i missed two days but i was pretty busy and it happens. my goal is for it to not happen but that's life. never what you expected and even the best laid plans get derailed.
i worked in my garden today and i have to say the thought of growing things makes me beyond happy. there is a peace and serenity that comes from working my garden. i love being one with the soil, the plants and the entire process of growth. it's nurturing and nourishing and spiritual. it is my personal sanctuary. i don't take my time there lightly.
this year i'm co-gardening with two friends. they are awesome women who i love so it's going to be great to share this with them. nothing like growing your own food and knowing that you have the ability to feed yourself and your family. it gives me goosebumps!
i really pray we have a long and sunny growing season this year where i can enjoy the benefits of my labor all summer and well into the fall. and i'm looking forward to seeing the miracle of growth as we get our plants in the grow and nourish them until harvest time!
i worked in my garden today and i have to say the thought of growing things makes me beyond happy. there is a peace and serenity that comes from working my garden. i love being one with the soil, the plants and the entire process of growth. it's nurturing and nourishing and spiritual. it is my personal sanctuary. i don't take my time there lightly.
this year i'm co-gardening with two friends. they are awesome women who i love so it's going to be great to share this with them. nothing like growing your own food and knowing that you have the ability to feed yourself and your family. it gives me goosebumps!
i really pray we have a long and sunny growing season this year where i can enjoy the benefits of my labor all summer and well into the fall. and i'm looking forward to seeing the miracle of growth as we get our plants in the grow and nourish them until harvest time!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
april showers, may flowers
i grew up hearing all kinds of stupid cliches about the weather as a kid in the midwest. i'm sure other people heard them to. march comes in like a lion and out like a lamb. april showers bring may flowers. okay, that's all i can think of right now. i try really hard to forget some things.
but the showers and flowers thing is all to real in seattle. actually, it's not just the month of april that brings the rain. it pretty much rains from october to may. people from here seem used to it. i was fine the first two years of living here. lately, it's doing me in! i like rain as much as the next person but dang it i need my sunshine! i'm a brown skinned girl who loves to have her skin kissed by the sun. i soak it up unapologetically and love the darker hue my skin gets in the summer. yesterday, i took some pictures and noticed how incredibly pale i was. i'm seriously two shades lighter than normal. that is not okay.
i know rain makes things grow. water is life giving and life sustaining. but too much of a good thing is destructive. i'm not a fan of flowers either but my allergies kind of sealed that deal at birth. they are pretty from a distance but i can do without them. well, i admit that i buy flowers weekly in the summer to brighten up the house. but i'm not one of those girls who smells flowers or grows them in the garden. i might possibly plant flowers in front of my house for curb appeal but even that is up for debate.
back to the rain. enough already. i am ready for some sunshine. i mean that both literally and figuratively. it's time!
but the showers and flowers thing is all to real in seattle. actually, it's not just the month of april that brings the rain. it pretty much rains from october to may. people from here seem used to it. i was fine the first two years of living here. lately, it's doing me in! i like rain as much as the next person but dang it i need my sunshine! i'm a brown skinned girl who loves to have her skin kissed by the sun. i soak it up unapologetically and love the darker hue my skin gets in the summer. yesterday, i took some pictures and noticed how incredibly pale i was. i'm seriously two shades lighter than normal. that is not okay.
i know rain makes things grow. water is life giving and life sustaining. but too much of a good thing is destructive. i'm not a fan of flowers either but my allergies kind of sealed that deal at birth. they are pretty from a distance but i can do without them. well, i admit that i buy flowers weekly in the summer to brighten up the house. but i'm not one of those girls who smells flowers or grows them in the garden. i might possibly plant flowers in front of my house for curb appeal but even that is up for debate.
back to the rain. enough already. i am ready for some sunshine. i mean that both literally and figuratively. it's time!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
i got all my sisters with me
sisterhood is a wonderful thing. it's support, self-esteem boosting, sacrificing, silliness and strength. i love my sisters! i wasn't born with any sisters. i have two brothers. but in college, i met the girls who feel like sisters to me. we are so netted together that sometimes i don't remember life before i met them. and trust i couldn't imagine going through one single day of the rest of my life without them. they are my rock.
we are there for each other. we bare each others burdens. we laugh and cry together. we celebrate each others successes and encourage each other through failures. they are my cheerleaders and my correctors. they can call me out when my stuff stinks and still shoot the breeze with me after. i have mad love for them.
we often talk about the circumstances that brought us together back in 1997 when we were all freshman at drake university. five black girls, trying to find their place in the world, all different, all strong but all drawn to each other. it's been a decade since we graduated and left that microcosm but we haven't missed a step. though we are separated by thousands of miles, we have never been closer in spirit. it's pretty much a miracle. people say women can't maintain strong, healthy friendships and yet we have. i treasure what i have with my sisters and can't wait for us to be in the same space again with each other.
we are there for each other. we bare each others burdens. we laugh and cry together. we celebrate each others successes and encourage each other through failures. they are my cheerleaders and my correctors. they can call me out when my stuff stinks and still shoot the breeze with me after. i have mad love for them.
we often talk about the circumstances that brought us together back in 1997 when we were all freshman at drake university. five black girls, trying to find their place in the world, all different, all strong but all drawn to each other. it's been a decade since we graduated and left that microcosm but we haven't missed a step. though we are separated by thousands of miles, we have never been closer in spirit. it's pretty much a miracle. people say women can't maintain strong, healthy friendships and yet we have. i treasure what i have with my sisters and can't wait for us to be in the same space again with each other.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
you can't stop my shine
i was sitting at my desk today thinking about some of the changes that have taken place in my life just this week. yes i know it's only tuesday but some stuff has turned around! i've been praying for an attitude change in me. i was miserable and i think i was making other people miserable. no one wants to be around a miserable person. heck i couldn't stand my self! but god has caused my countenance to change and other things have changed. it's like the entire atmosphere is ignited with change. and i'm grateful.
so as i sat at my desk working on some seo stuff i said to myself, you can't stop my shine, you can't knock my grind and you can't block what's mine! not really sure why that popped into my head but there it was clear as day. people say pregnant women have a glow about them. so do people in love. i guess i'm both. i'm in love with a god who loves me even when i'm miserably unlovable and i'm pregnant with vision. i've been able to refocus and recenter myself lately to remember what gifts god placed in me and exactly what that means for my future.
i started this year off thinking about my vision for my future. i've always been consumed by planning for my future, ever since i was a little girl. i mean i actually wrote out my life plan at 12. i was extreme, but i was serious. i've accomplished most of the things in that life plan. as they say in black america, ain't nobody got a thing on a woman with a plan! i've been revisiting my plan. some incomplete things actually left me feeling incomplete and as a result, i was all in my feelings. i seriously needed to be in somebody's sensitive corner! but my time with god lately has been on point. i've been open to getting healed in some areas, allowing the holy spirit to shine light in some other areas and submitting to the process that god has asked me to complete.
it's never easy saying yes to god because there is a price to be paid. usually, it's getting our own way. as humans, we're selfish and we like getting our way. but you can't have healthy relationships if you always want your way and have a fit when you don't get your way. i'm a middle child and i'm used to not getting my way, but i was also used to being invisible. that's a whole different story and one day i'm going to truly write about how devastating it is to feel invisible to everyone around you. in fact, it's one of the areas that i'm still healing from. the light was shined in that area and i'm willing to do the work.
but tonight i got a great word from god as i was basking in his presence. sometimes you just have to sit and soak! as i was soaking i got psalms 37. i read the entire chapter but versus 5-9 and 23-24 stood out. but verses 5 and 6 took my breath away. here god is directly saying he will cause me to shine. are you serious!!!!? i promise i can't make this stuff up. god is dope!!!! he speaks to exactly what concerns us and what is on our hearts. i honestly feel like god is causing me to shine. that can mean many different things but ultimately, it means i'm the apple of his eye - always! i fall short so much but he loves me anyway. and when he corrects me, it hurts but i line back up because his hand on my life sustains me. i know many don't feel that way and it breaks my heart. but better is one day in his court than a thousand elsewhere. who else is going to love you unconditionally? who else is going to welcome you back time after time even when you have broken their heart? who else is going to work all things for your good as you walk with him? i only know one, my abba, father, god. that gives me joy. and my joy makes me shine.
so as i sat at my desk working on some seo stuff i said to myself, you can't stop my shine, you can't knock my grind and you can't block what's mine! not really sure why that popped into my head but there it was clear as day. people say pregnant women have a glow about them. so do people in love. i guess i'm both. i'm in love with a god who loves me even when i'm miserably unlovable and i'm pregnant with vision. i've been able to refocus and recenter myself lately to remember what gifts god placed in me and exactly what that means for my future.
i started this year off thinking about my vision for my future. i've always been consumed by planning for my future, ever since i was a little girl. i mean i actually wrote out my life plan at 12. i was extreme, but i was serious. i've accomplished most of the things in that life plan. as they say in black america, ain't nobody got a thing on a woman with a plan! i've been revisiting my plan. some incomplete things actually left me feeling incomplete and as a result, i was all in my feelings. i seriously needed to be in somebody's sensitive corner! but my time with god lately has been on point. i've been open to getting healed in some areas, allowing the holy spirit to shine light in some other areas and submitting to the process that god has asked me to complete.
it's never easy saying yes to god because there is a price to be paid. usually, it's getting our own way. as humans, we're selfish and we like getting our way. but you can't have healthy relationships if you always want your way and have a fit when you don't get your way. i'm a middle child and i'm used to not getting my way, but i was also used to being invisible. that's a whole different story and one day i'm going to truly write about how devastating it is to feel invisible to everyone around you. in fact, it's one of the areas that i'm still healing from. the light was shined in that area and i'm willing to do the work.
but tonight i got a great word from god as i was basking in his presence. sometimes you just have to sit and soak! as i was soaking i got psalms 37. i read the entire chapter but versus 5-9 and 23-24 stood out. but verses 5 and 6 took my breath away. here god is directly saying he will cause me to shine. are you serious!!!!? i promise i can't make this stuff up. god is dope!!!! he speaks to exactly what concerns us and what is on our hearts. i honestly feel like god is causing me to shine. that can mean many different things but ultimately, it means i'm the apple of his eye - always! i fall short so much but he loves me anyway. and when he corrects me, it hurts but i line back up because his hand on my life sustains me. i know many don't feel that way and it breaks my heart. but better is one day in his court than a thousand elsewhere. who else is going to love you unconditionally? who else is going to welcome you back time after time even when you have broken their heart? who else is going to work all things for your good as you walk with him? i only know one, my abba, father, god. that gives me joy. and my joy makes me shine.
Insomnia is for suckers
i'm laying in my bed, it's midnight, i have a 5:30 gym appointment in the morning and i can't sleep! since i've been up since 5am i should be beyond sleepy. and i'm definitely sleepy. but i can't sleep. hate when that happens. i've turned down the heat, flipped the pillow, changed positions and even drank a glass of warm milk. all to no avail. i'm wide awake with some seriously tired eyes and a strong desire to sleep.
but there are some things on my mind that I guess are keeping me up. for starters, i got buyin on the project i'm working on and i'm excited to implement it! i have a vacation in a week where i hope to soak up some sun! i'm going to be able to see my friend while I'm there after worrying that i wouldn't. and on top of that we had a great conversation today and i need to learn to chill. but that's a side note since it's not keeping me awake. i guess i'm really excited about things. but excitement or not, this beauty needs her rest. sleep why has thou forsaken me?
but there are some things on my mind that I guess are keeping me up. for starters, i got buyin on the project i'm working on and i'm excited to implement it! i have a vacation in a week where i hope to soak up some sun! i'm going to be able to see my friend while I'm there after worrying that i wouldn't. and on top of that we had a great conversation today and i need to learn to chill. but that's a side note since it's not keeping me awake. i guess i'm really excited about things. but excitement or not, this beauty needs her rest. sleep why has thou forsaken me?
Monday, April 11, 2011
isn't it ironic
i've noticed recently that my life is extremely ironic. irony is defined as coincidental and unexpected. yep, that sums things up nicely.
for instance, i'm headed to atlanta next week for easter. my friend and love of my life (i'm working on it!) lives about 90 minutes away. we've talked in the not so distant past about me coming to visit and i really want to see him. but we've not communicated regularly the last month. he checks in but he always talks about how busy he is. he moved 3 months ago, bought a house and is trying to get settled in. i don't know what is keeping him so busy but it definitely hurts my feelings a little - and some days more than a little - that he doesn't feel i'm worthy of more frequent phone calls, even if it's just for a short time. sigh. anyway, i would love to see him but i'm not going to visit him and as of right now, i'm not even sure i should tell him i'm going to be in his neighborhood. mostly because i'd be devastated if i told him that i wanted to see him and he was too busy to see me. the whole trip came about because i'm in desperate need of a break from seattle. my bestie was heading to atl for easter to visit our friend and suggested i tag along. at first i was against it because if i'm going to make a trip down there i would definitely want it to be to visit him. but since we've hardly talked in the last few weeks i'm kind of laughing (KIND OF) at the irony of me traveling to his neck of the woods and not seeing him. i've never even been to atl and when he moved the only reason i would have conceived of going was to see him! and i miss him so much. irony!
on my job, i've been pushing for us to explore the glorious world of social media because i love social media, i love communications technology and i love interactive marketing. they are areas that i excel in and it makes sense that my company would capitalize on my knowledge. plus it makes sense for a communications company to communicate! but they are deadest against it. so i started looking for new opportunities in that area. the irony is that i have to show proof of success in that area in order to secure a new job in that field. sigh. thankfully i have opportunities to do freelance work in this area, which i'm doing now, but at the end of the day it's no job without experience and current job won't let me get the experience. irony.
i keep shaking my head because i can't believe how ironic things are right now. but i'm moving forward with the belief that things will get better. if i continue to focus on what's important and channel my energy in the right direction, i know i'll see the changes i've been praying and waiting for. i'm steady on the grind because i need change like i need air to breathe. and no amount of irony is going to slow me down. or maybe that's another ironic event - i'm feeling the makings of transition and i have no idea what form it will take, but i'm moving forward anyway. don't know for sure. but isn't it ironic?
for instance, i'm headed to atlanta next week for easter. my friend and love of my life (i'm working on it!) lives about 90 minutes away. we've talked in the not so distant past about me coming to visit and i really want to see him. but we've not communicated regularly the last month. he checks in but he always talks about how busy he is. he moved 3 months ago, bought a house and is trying to get settled in. i don't know what is keeping him so busy but it definitely hurts my feelings a little - and some days more than a little - that he doesn't feel i'm worthy of more frequent phone calls, even if it's just for a short time. sigh. anyway, i would love to see him but i'm not going to visit him and as of right now, i'm not even sure i should tell him i'm going to be in his neighborhood. mostly because i'd be devastated if i told him that i wanted to see him and he was too busy to see me. the whole trip came about because i'm in desperate need of a break from seattle. my bestie was heading to atl for easter to visit our friend and suggested i tag along. at first i was against it because if i'm going to make a trip down there i would definitely want it to be to visit him. but since we've hardly talked in the last few weeks i'm kind of laughing (KIND OF) at the irony of me traveling to his neck of the woods and not seeing him. i've never even been to atl and when he moved the only reason i would have conceived of going was to see him! and i miss him so much. irony!
on my job, i've been pushing for us to explore the glorious world of social media because i love social media, i love communications technology and i love interactive marketing. they are areas that i excel in and it makes sense that my company would capitalize on my knowledge. plus it makes sense for a communications company to communicate! but they are deadest against it. so i started looking for new opportunities in that area. the irony is that i have to show proof of success in that area in order to secure a new job in that field. sigh. thankfully i have opportunities to do freelance work in this area, which i'm doing now, but at the end of the day it's no job without experience and current job won't let me get the experience. irony.
i keep shaking my head because i can't believe how ironic things are right now. but i'm moving forward with the belief that things will get better. if i continue to focus on what's important and channel my energy in the right direction, i know i'll see the changes i've been praying and waiting for. i'm steady on the grind because i need change like i need air to breathe. and no amount of irony is going to slow me down. or maybe that's another ironic event - i'm feeling the makings of transition and i have no idea what form it will take, but i'm moving forward anyway. don't know for sure. but isn't it ironic?
Sunday, April 10, 2011
in the zone
i spent my weekend working on a project for a friend's business that i hope will create a better community experience for his fans. but i got so much out of the project. i'm a creative person and lately i haven't been letting my creativity juices flowing at their full capacity. who am i kidding. i don't think they've been flowing at all! so this was an opportunity for me to remind myself how talented i am and how much i have to offer.
i worked all weekend and i'm exhausted. but i'm happy. in fact, a friend yesterday told me that i looked different. happier. i thought about it for a while. tried to go over all the things that could be contributing to my aura of happiness. there is the acceptance that i can't change things that are out of my control so i need to do my best until things change. there is the improved stomach condition and less pain when i eat. there is the realization that some people in my life are reaching the end of their season and there is the admitting that i was giving people and things too much control over my happiness. as the bible says, the world didn't give my joy to me and the world can't take it away. i had to reclaim my power over my happiness and my joy.
i'm glad that the inner changes are showing on the outside. i'm glad God has caused my countenance to change. i am a happy person and i don't like feeling miserable. i have too much to be thankful for. sometimes you just have to be reminded of how much God has blessed you, how much He loves you and how much He has gifted you to succeed.
there are some things i don't have the power to change. and there are some things that require an act to get in line. i've been working on getting in line because i want things to work.
i worked all weekend and i'm exhausted. but i'm happy. in fact, a friend yesterday told me that i looked different. happier. i thought about it for a while. tried to go over all the things that could be contributing to my aura of happiness. there is the acceptance that i can't change things that are out of my control so i need to do my best until things change. there is the improved stomach condition and less pain when i eat. there is the realization that some people in my life are reaching the end of their season and there is the admitting that i was giving people and things too much control over my happiness. as the bible says, the world didn't give my joy to me and the world can't take it away. i had to reclaim my power over my happiness and my joy.
i'm glad that the inner changes are showing on the outside. i'm glad God has caused my countenance to change. i am a happy person and i don't like feeling miserable. i have too much to be thankful for. sometimes you just have to be reminded of how much God has blessed you, how much He loves you and how much He has gifted you to succeed.
there are some things i don't have the power to change. and there are some things that require an act to get in line. i've been working on getting in line because i want things to work.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
starting the day off right
i completely forgot to blog yesterday. the plan was to do it when i got home but my head was ITCHING and i had to take out my twists and braids. after doing that, washing and detangling my hair and deep conditioning it i was pooped. i know i turned on john stewart and fell asleep on the awesome glen beck spoof. guess i'll be watching that at some point today. but i'm feeling awful about not blogging yesterday. totally messes up my groove. i was doing so well. shrug. it happens. life doesn't always go the way you plan, right? things come up and you roll with it. but without a plan you'll be doing a whole lot of rolling - or roaming, wandering and meandering - and i'm not down with that. a sistah has a plan. mapped out by God and i'm just trying to fall in step.
i've always been an obedient person. i vary rarely broke the rules because i didn't want to deal with the consequences. but i learned that my over reliance on the rules was a form of bondage for me and learned to let go of that controlling aspect of my life. it was liberating and scary. but i probably got a little carried away. now i'm coming back to the center. i'm refocusing my energy on being who i'm supposed to be and appreciating that i'm made exactly this way for a reason. my purpose is intertwined with my personality. so i'm allowing the bad to be pruned and allowing the good to grow. working on developing my fruits of the spirit and walking in compassion, love and grace. it's not easy because there are always tests, and i hate tests! but i do like to succeed and God said he'd cause me to succeed if i honored him with my life. i can handle that. he's done so much for me.
so i'm getting ready to hit the day with purpose and intention. i have expectations for this day and all i need to accomplish in it. life is good! and from now on i'm planning to live and act like it. i was struggling in the valley of this stage of my life but i realized, the valley is where the growing happens. the valley is where the water is. the valley is where provision is. and when i've gotten that in mind, it'll be time to conquer the mountain so i can see what's next. man, god thinks of everything! now i'm off to start my day. a little yoga first and then a great time planning out my garden and then off to work on a freelance project that i'm more than geeked about. GO GET IT!
i've always been an obedient person. i vary rarely broke the rules because i didn't want to deal with the consequences. but i learned that my over reliance on the rules was a form of bondage for me and learned to let go of that controlling aspect of my life. it was liberating and scary. but i probably got a little carried away. now i'm coming back to the center. i'm refocusing my energy on being who i'm supposed to be and appreciating that i'm made exactly this way for a reason. my purpose is intertwined with my personality. so i'm allowing the bad to be pruned and allowing the good to grow. working on developing my fruits of the spirit and walking in compassion, love and grace. it's not easy because there are always tests, and i hate tests! but i do like to succeed and God said he'd cause me to succeed if i honored him with my life. i can handle that. he's done so much for me.
so i'm getting ready to hit the day with purpose and intention. i have expectations for this day and all i need to accomplish in it. life is good! and from now on i'm planning to live and act like it. i was struggling in the valley of this stage of my life but i realized, the valley is where the growing happens. the valley is where the water is. the valley is where provision is. and when i've gotten that in mind, it'll be time to conquer the mountain so i can see what's next. man, god thinks of everything! now i'm off to start my day. a little yoga first and then a great time planning out my garden and then off to work on a freelance project that i'm more than geeked about. GO GET IT!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
challenge
as i type this blog post i am completely beside myself with glee. really. i can barely contain it! i just had a meeting with a friend who started his own business. that in and of itself inspires me. we're the same age. he had the guts to do what so many of us don't. we're stagnant for many reasons and i won't bother chronicling them now because i'm sure you can identify your own reasons for succumbing to laziness, fear, complacency, etc. you know why you have failed to do what you truly desire with your life and no one is to blame but you.
listening to him talk about his baby and watching him light up as he spoke his vision for his business challenged me. the more he talked about being on his grind the more i realized how i had caged the beast in my life. sure i can blame my drought of creativity on my job but in the past, that would just mean i found other outlets. since moving to seattle i've been stagnant in many areas. it's time to step it up. there is greatness in me. i've seen glimpses and sparks in the past but i've allowed the flames to all but fizzle out. that is my fault. i was lazy. but not anymore.
today i got renewed. invigorated. challenged. i am better than what i have been doing. i'm more talented than what i have been showing. i am more hungry than my current situation would show. it's time to do more than just be on my grind. it's time to dream again, dream big! cast the vision. and make it happen. i accept the challenge. now watch me work!
listening to him talk about his baby and watching him light up as he spoke his vision for his business challenged me. the more he talked about being on his grind the more i realized how i had caged the beast in my life. sure i can blame my drought of creativity on my job but in the past, that would just mean i found other outlets. since moving to seattle i've been stagnant in many areas. it's time to step it up. there is greatness in me. i've seen glimpses and sparks in the past but i've allowed the flames to all but fizzle out. that is my fault. i was lazy. but not anymore.
today i got renewed. invigorated. challenged. i am better than what i have been doing. i'm more talented than what i have been showing. i am more hungry than my current situation would show. it's time to do more than just be on my grind. it's time to dream again, dream big! cast the vision. and make it happen. i accept the challenge. now watch me work!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
pieces of me
lately i've felt slightly broken. overall things are fine but some moments during some days i feel out of sorts. it's kind of like certain pieces of me are having a bit of trouble fitting with the big picture. that means there are some things God is trying to perfect in me and it HURTS. sigh. i've never been a fan of pruning but i guess no one is, right? i'm trying not to fight it but it's your first instinct. when someone starts cutting you, you instinctively reach out to slap them away.
since my arms aren't anywhere close to being long enough to box with God i'm trying to surrender to the process. i definitely don't want to prolong it any further. i'm not a fan of the pain. i'm not a fan of things not working either. so, gotta do what i gotta do.
in the meantime, i struggle with the reality that many things i've hoped to happen by this time haven't. some people that have been a part of my life seem to be exiting stage left. many of my deepest desires have gone unaddressed. and most of the fight has left me. after you've done all you can, you just stand? maybe lean? some days i'm not sure i have the strength to do either. what are you trying to pull out of me? what is the transition that lies ahead? i want to be ready. ironic that i named this blog i'm gonna be ready. that means the preparation process must be adhered to. i swear i'm prophetic without even thinking about it! smh.
i do want the best. i want all the good and perfect gifts. i'm not interested in counterfeits or artificial flavorings. i want the real deal. i'm pretty sure i'm waist deep - maybe chest deep - in dirt and crap right now. fertilizer? i've been growing without even realizing it lately. that's a good thing. but growing uncontrolled leads to death. time for the pruning. ouch. i welcome you as my gardener. the master gardener of my life. if anyone can pick up the broken pieces of me and put the picture back together it's you. just give me the strength to feel perfectly safe during this process. help to not be anxious for anything. help me to rest along the still waters. only you can. only you know what the final picture is supposed to look like. i want to be ready for my close up.
since my arms aren't anywhere close to being long enough to box with God i'm trying to surrender to the process. i definitely don't want to prolong it any further. i'm not a fan of the pain. i'm not a fan of things not working either. so, gotta do what i gotta do.
in the meantime, i struggle with the reality that many things i've hoped to happen by this time haven't. some people that have been a part of my life seem to be exiting stage left. many of my deepest desires have gone unaddressed. and most of the fight has left me. after you've done all you can, you just stand? maybe lean? some days i'm not sure i have the strength to do either. what are you trying to pull out of me? what is the transition that lies ahead? i want to be ready. ironic that i named this blog i'm gonna be ready. that means the preparation process must be adhered to. i swear i'm prophetic without even thinking about it! smh.
i do want the best. i want all the good and perfect gifts. i'm not interested in counterfeits or artificial flavorings. i want the real deal. i'm pretty sure i'm waist deep - maybe chest deep - in dirt and crap right now. fertilizer? i've been growing without even realizing it lately. that's a good thing. but growing uncontrolled leads to death. time for the pruning. ouch. i welcome you as my gardener. the master gardener of my life. if anyone can pick up the broken pieces of me and put the picture back together it's you. just give me the strength to feel perfectly safe during this process. help to not be anxious for anything. help me to rest along the still waters. only you can. only you know what the final picture is supposed to look like. i want to be ready for my close up.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
today was a hard day
today is another day of me having a hard time dealing with his absence. not every day is like this which i'm grateful for because i couldn't feel like this everyday. but i hate how emotionally draining it is to get over someone. i read an article that said you need 3 months for every year you were with someone to get over the loss of the relationship. that sounds a little pollyanna to me. but to each his own.
i had a major sinus migraine today that had me sick to my head and stomach. so i was laid up in bed with all this time to think about my life. of course i've been doing that a lot anyway. practically nonstop! trying to figure out how to get things back on track. but today i thought about how nice it would be to have someone to baby me when i was sick. and that got me to thinking about him. it's a very vicious cycle that i'm trying hard to break. i don't want my story to read "she couldn't move on" so every day i try. i'm such a work in progress in so many ways.
but i'm believing that putting out all this positive energy welcoming real love into my life will have results. i'm cool with the woman who are all content being single. do your thing. i've been single for more than a decade because i was interested in discovering who i was and what i wanted out of life. now i'm ready for love. nothing will change that. so hello universe. are you listening?
i had a major sinus migraine today that had me sick to my head and stomach. so i was laid up in bed with all this time to think about my life. of course i've been doing that a lot anyway. practically nonstop! trying to figure out how to get things back on track. but today i thought about how nice it would be to have someone to baby me when i was sick. and that got me to thinking about him. it's a very vicious cycle that i'm trying hard to break. i don't want my story to read "she couldn't move on" so every day i try. i'm such a work in progress in so many ways.
but i'm believing that putting out all this positive energy welcoming real love into my life will have results. i'm cool with the woman who are all content being single. do your thing. i've been single for more than a decade because i was interested in discovering who i was and what i wanted out of life. now i'm ready for love. nothing will change that. so hello universe. are you listening?
Monday, April 4, 2011
finish the race
i'm not a procrastinator so much as a person who gets distracted easily. i have adhd as an adult and sometimes i find it hard to focus. i will start something and then get distracted and move on to something else. this doesn't keep me from finishing most things but there are some really big things i have yet to finish (even after a decade *ducks head in shame*) and the reality of that is making me sad. so much should have been accomplished that has gone unfinished.
in college i discovered the more scheduled i was the more focused i was. my gpa was its highest when i was involved heavily in organizations, working, student athlete and social with my friends. being that scheduled required a lot of discipline to meet all of my responsibilities. surprisingly, every thing got done and it was quality work. as an adult, i'm less scheduled. in fact, i'd venture to say i have way too much free time.
as i've been thinking of what changes i need to make in my life while working to achieve my professional and personal goals, i've come to the conclusion that i need to do more stuff. of course this isn't "busy" stuff as no one wants to fill their schedule with mindless crap. but there are some organizations that i need to participate in. there are some more volunteer opportunities that i need to take advantage of. and there are some more people that i need to interact with more regularly.
i want to FINISH a book this year because i've had dreams of me doing a book tour. i can't believe that i'm the reason i haven't published anything. it's no one else's fault. i'm the one who refuses to finish the race. so i'm getting it together because i want to be a full time writer. i want the flexibility of it, the unlimited creativity of it, the fulfillment of it and i want to enjoy the success of it. i can't let my shortcomings and fears keep me from being a published author. it just doesn't make sense. and it's not fair to my future readers or me. so, you heard it here first. it's time for me to finish the race!
in college i discovered the more scheduled i was the more focused i was. my gpa was its highest when i was involved heavily in organizations, working, student athlete and social with my friends. being that scheduled required a lot of discipline to meet all of my responsibilities. surprisingly, every thing got done and it was quality work. as an adult, i'm less scheduled. in fact, i'd venture to say i have way too much free time.
as i've been thinking of what changes i need to make in my life while working to achieve my professional and personal goals, i've come to the conclusion that i need to do more stuff. of course this isn't "busy" stuff as no one wants to fill their schedule with mindless crap. but there are some organizations that i need to participate in. there are some more volunteer opportunities that i need to take advantage of. and there are some more people that i need to interact with more regularly.
i want to FINISH a book this year because i've had dreams of me doing a book tour. i can't believe that i'm the reason i haven't published anything. it's no one else's fault. i'm the one who refuses to finish the race. so i'm getting it together because i want to be a full time writer. i want the flexibility of it, the unlimited creativity of it, the fulfillment of it and i want to enjoy the success of it. i can't let my shortcomings and fears keep me from being a published author. it just doesn't make sense. and it's not fair to my future readers or me. so, you heard it here first. it's time for me to finish the race!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
missing what's missing
today i spent the day recuperating from my very busy weekend. i went out with friends and danced a lot. in fact, someone offered to pay me to teach her how to dance. how funny is that? i was also a major man magnet which doesn't happen often. not because i'm not cute, but i'm unassuming. i'm not flashy or hot girl material. i'm more laid back, quiet and prone to be in my own world. i'm going to have fun even if i'm doing it alone. thankfully i wasn't alone and the other girls with me made it a night to remember. but it was also great because i didn't spend a dime!
but going out dancing made me miss my friend. our first date he took me to a little bar with a dance floor and we spent the night dancing. he loves music and dancing as much as me. many times he'd turn on music and pull me off the couch and we'd start dancing. we danced a lot. and i have to be honest, i really miss him a lot. i just saw that going so differently than it actually did. i'm a work in progress when it comes to getting over him because many times throughout my days i find myself missing what's missing. why is finding love so hard?
but going out dancing made me miss my friend. our first date he took me to a little bar with a dance floor and we spent the night dancing. he loves music and dancing as much as me. many times he'd turn on music and pull me off the couch and we'd start dancing. we danced a lot. and i have to be honest, i really miss him a lot. i just saw that going so differently than it actually did. i'm a work in progress when it comes to getting over him because many times throughout my days i find myself missing what's missing. why is finding love so hard?
Saturday, April 2, 2011
walk through the door
we all talk about looking for our next great opportunity to take our career to the next level. we want the promotion or the lead role on a project or the new job that would get us to a desired place professionally. i know i have definitely been working on my life vision and what kinds of opportunities i want to manifest.
the funny thing is that many times we fail to walk through the door when an opportunity presents itself. we get scared, nervous, anxious and doubtful. maybe we aren't ready for the opportunity. maybe it's not the right time. maybe it's not the right place. there will always be maybes and honestly, we don't know what the future holds so how can you know for sure that the decision is right or wrong?
don't get me wrong, i'm aware that if there is no peace about a decision, you most likely made the wrong decision. but there is a difference between doubting yourself out of fear and doubting yourself because you feel uneasy about something. most of the time it's fear that keeps us paralyzed.
i don't want to be afraid to walk through the door when it opens. i want to be so bold no one doubts i belong there. i've been preparing and praying and practicing so when it presents itself, i'm ready. there is no room for fear when you are working toward success. of course you will fail many times, but that's nothing to fear at all.
the funny thing is that many times we fail to walk through the door when an opportunity presents itself. we get scared, nervous, anxious and doubtful. maybe we aren't ready for the opportunity. maybe it's not the right time. maybe it's not the right place. there will always be maybes and honestly, we don't know what the future holds so how can you know for sure that the decision is right or wrong?
don't get me wrong, i'm aware that if there is no peace about a decision, you most likely made the wrong decision. but there is a difference between doubting yourself out of fear and doubting yourself because you feel uneasy about something. most of the time it's fear that keeps us paralyzed.
i don't want to be afraid to walk through the door when it opens. i want to be so bold no one doubts i belong there. i've been preparing and praying and practicing so when it presents itself, i'm ready. there is no room for fear when you are working toward success. of course you will fail many times, but that's nothing to fear at all.
Friday, April 1, 2011
nobody's fool
april fools day can be funny or annoying depending on what side of the joke you end up. reading through my facebook feed this morning i shook my head at the lack of originality in the pranks. i'm engaged! i'm pregnant! i got promoted! i'm moving to soandso! you get the picture. people use april fools to announce major life events in hopes of soliciting shock or excitement from friends and family.
the thing is that we should be excited about those kinds of announcements. the problem is that we make them jokes. is it because we want them so badly that we have to joke about the desire to escape the pain of the disappointment? i don't know if it's that deep for everyone but i know some people have waited so long that the very idea of them getting engaged is nothing more than a joke. that breaks my heart.
i have had my own personal struggle lately with trying to balance my desire to be married and enjoying my single life as it is. basically, i've come to the conclusion that after a decade plus of living the single life, i'm not really cut out for this. not sure how much longer i can last. i'm not alone because i hear it in my friends' conversations and see it in my twitter or facebook feeds. most adults are looking for love. notice i said most and not all. i know some people who are perfectly content in the single life and plan to stay there for a while. it's all about knowing what you want and where you are. nothing wrong with that. just like there's nothing wrong with wanting love.
i just hope that in my desire to balance singleness with desires to be married, i stay sane. some days i feel like a crazy person because i grow weary of the whole thing. why haven't i met "the one" as it were? why wasn't he ready for a commitment? why was the timing off? why did he choose her over me? i'm sure you've heard the same questions before. and in going through those situations, most women decide they don't want to be anyone's fool. they won't let the next man do them like the last man. i get it. but my strategy is to stay open. i haven't had my heart broken too many times because i am pretty selective with who i give it to. both men who had that privilege were great men. they just seemed to want something different. and in walking that out, i discovered more specifically what i wanted.
my requirements are still the same: love God, love me (in the appropriate time of course), love life and love people. that can look a lot of different ways but i'm confident i've found my prototype. i know what turns me on spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. i'm sure there are many areas to discover still, but i have a solid idea of what i want. and i'm confident i'll be chosen by the right man.
one day my mom told me she hoped i didn't fall for ishmael while i was waiting for isaac. i get what she's saying as i'm sure many single christian women have heard the same thing. but my problem with that is ishmael wasn't a bad man. and he was still a blessed man. the circumstances surrounding his birth were out of his control. to label him for the rest of his life because of that makes no sense to me. especially if we believe that all children are a blessing. so, while isaac might have been the promised child, ishmael was still a fulfilled promise in his own right. i'm sure people will disagree but to each his own.
i'm not a fool even though i might have acted foolishly at times (haven't we all?) and i know how to make good choices. i'm not sure why anyone would expect my love life to be any different. and when the time is right, i'll be more than ready to say "i pledge my life to you, to love you as christ loved the church, to serve you as the head of our house, my lover and my friend, today and always."
the thing is that we should be excited about those kinds of announcements. the problem is that we make them jokes. is it because we want them so badly that we have to joke about the desire to escape the pain of the disappointment? i don't know if it's that deep for everyone but i know some people have waited so long that the very idea of them getting engaged is nothing more than a joke. that breaks my heart.
i have had my own personal struggle lately with trying to balance my desire to be married and enjoying my single life as it is. basically, i've come to the conclusion that after a decade plus of living the single life, i'm not really cut out for this. not sure how much longer i can last. i'm not alone because i hear it in my friends' conversations and see it in my twitter or facebook feeds. most adults are looking for love. notice i said most and not all. i know some people who are perfectly content in the single life and plan to stay there for a while. it's all about knowing what you want and where you are. nothing wrong with that. just like there's nothing wrong with wanting love.
i just hope that in my desire to balance singleness with desires to be married, i stay sane. some days i feel like a crazy person because i grow weary of the whole thing. why haven't i met "the one" as it were? why wasn't he ready for a commitment? why was the timing off? why did he choose her over me? i'm sure you've heard the same questions before. and in going through those situations, most women decide they don't want to be anyone's fool. they won't let the next man do them like the last man. i get it. but my strategy is to stay open. i haven't had my heart broken too many times because i am pretty selective with who i give it to. both men who had that privilege were great men. they just seemed to want something different. and in walking that out, i discovered more specifically what i wanted.
my requirements are still the same: love God, love me (in the appropriate time of course), love life and love people. that can look a lot of different ways but i'm confident i've found my prototype. i know what turns me on spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. i'm sure there are many areas to discover still, but i have a solid idea of what i want. and i'm confident i'll be chosen by the right man.
one day my mom told me she hoped i didn't fall for ishmael while i was waiting for isaac. i get what she's saying as i'm sure many single christian women have heard the same thing. but my problem with that is ishmael wasn't a bad man. and he was still a blessed man. the circumstances surrounding his birth were out of his control. to label him for the rest of his life because of that makes no sense to me. especially if we believe that all children are a blessing. so, while isaac might have been the promised child, ishmael was still a fulfilled promise in his own right. i'm sure people will disagree but to each his own.
i'm not a fool even though i might have acted foolishly at times (haven't we all?) and i know how to make good choices. i'm not sure why anyone would expect my love life to be any different. and when the time is right, i'll be more than ready to say "i pledge my life to you, to love you as christ loved the church, to serve you as the head of our house, my lover and my friend, today and always."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)