I live in beautiful and rainy Seattle. It is a metropolitan of contradictions. We have the most beautiful natural scenery but it's hidden behind fog and clouds most of the year. We are home to some of the most caffeinated people on the planet but we boast high levels of depression. There is always some festival, art show, concert or sporting event going on but it is possible to live here for years without making a connection with people. There are a number of good looking, educated black men here yet dating is long suffering. You get my point by now, so I will move on. This post is about the contradiction of having an eligible pool of black men to date and still not meeting anyone.
You ladies know dating does not rank high on my list of activities. For those of you who thought that might change with the new year, let me assure you it has not! I still loathe the process. More than the process of dating, I sincerely hate creating "the list." Yes, you know what I mean. The list of attributes, accomplishments and assets that we think guarantees a match made in heaven.
When I think of the list I created for my ideal mate many moons ago, I break out in hysterical laughter. It included height (I'm short so I wanted some one tall to give my children a chance), skin tone ( I love my chocolate brothers), athletic build (I'm a former cheerleader and I enjoy physical activity), well groomed (that requires no explanation) and a few other items that rarely ventured passed physical attraction.
As I matured I added things like enjoys movies, likes to cook, has a sense of humor, wants to travel, can enjoy great conversation and appreciate silence. My tastes went from being purely physical to include a number of personality traits. I would take my list out and edit it each year in hopes that the latest revision brought me closer to meeting my Mr. Right.
Once I started understanding my identity in Christ, I added some more spiritual sounding things such as, must love God, enjoys spending time in the Word, goes to church regularly. You know the routine. Before too long, I had a lengthy list of things I wanted in a man and began to pray over it just like I was taught at church. A funny thing happened. I knew a man who matched my checklist almost to the dime. We grew up together and no one could tell me I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with him. But, he didn't choose me. In my mind it didn't make sense because he was my list. Everything I had been taught said that once I found the things on my list it would work out.
I spent many nights crying, of course, and wondering what went wrong. Did I not match his list? Did I not add enough of the right things to my list? Did I fail to pray hard enough over my list? It was madness! After a few years of swearing off love and deciding to open my heart to it again, I have learned a few things. Checking items off your list does not guarantee relationship success. It can be a good starting point, I guess, but you need to have the right things on the list for it to matter in the first place.
For instance, many women want a man with a good job, education, his own home, etc. I know a few men in that category and they have no interest in having a relationship right now. So when women meet them, they are disappointed the happily ever after doesn't follow. Maybe they should have added "ready for a relationship" to the list!
I no longer have a list. Or, I should say not your typical list. I do have standards and expectations, as should everyone looking to trust someone else with their heart. It's just, my current list looks nothing like the previous versions. I have four simple requirements and I will not yield on any of them. They represent the core of who I am and a person who doesn't fit those four requirements can't possibly be good for me. Okay, I know you want to know. Here it is:
1. Loves God with his whole heart
2. Loves me like Christ loves the church
3. Loves life completely
4. Loves people deeply
That's it. If those four things are in place I believe we can have something to build on for years to come. So, what does your list look like? How has it changed over the years? I would love for you ladies to share with our readers. We're all single and in the same boat, so let's get through this thing together!
