god can walk through doors

i have talked about my love of superheroes. actually i think i talked about it the other day. shrug. sometimes the days blur. anyway, i loves me some superheroes. have always wished i had a power. i honestly wish i could fly. i've always wanted to fly. sometimes in that jenny way where i pray to god, dear god make me a bird so i can fly far, far far away. other times in that freedom superman soaring way so i could jet through space and time a easy as can be just because. mostly, i just want to speed up my travel time and fly from one place to the next. teleportation was my back up super power but i figured the future would finally arrive and we'd all be star trek teleporting by now. so much for the future. back to superpowers.

i think to their core, superpowers represent the characteristics of god. he's strong, immortal, otherworldly, omniscient, omnipresent, compassionate, bringer of justice, defender of the people, savior. you get the picture. i love me some superman. but god is better than superman. and he can walk through walls. what? did she just say god can walk through walls? yep, i did. i'll say it again. god can walk through walls.

how do i know this? because i've been hurt A LOT. my childhood was definitely not ideal. i don't know many who would disagree when talking about their own childhoods. we've all been hurt. we've all been devastated by the reality of unmet expectations. we've all dealt with the disappointment of wanting something and it never happening, hoping for someone to be who they never were, wishing for change that never come. i know you know what i'm talking about. if it wasn't childhood, it was early adulthood. locate yourself so i can get back to my story.

my girls and i pray ever wednesday night. it's the highlight of my week in so many ways. i miss them so much and love when we are able to be in the same space and time together. it's magical. but every week, we get a bit of that through the phone. aw, loves me some technology too! this week, my friend kimmy said something that blew my socks off. hmmm. god can walk through walls. she heard it at a bible study and shared. i'm still looking for my socks.

when we're hurt, we put up walls. some of them around our heart. some of them around our dreams. some of them around our mind. we put them up to keep others out. we put them up to keep ourselves in. sometimes the walls have windows or doors. sometimes the walls are fort knox thick and impenetrable. except ... we serve a god who can walk through walls. god will always meet us where we are. dang. how dope is that? you know how you get in your feelings (like i was last week and had to sit myself in the sensitive corner)? you start thinking about all the dark and horrible things in your life and you start putting up the walls because who could love that hideousness? god does. i don't know why. he just does. and as soon as you put up that wall, he shows up and walks right through it. he walks right up into your mess and distress and says i absolutely, unequivocally, without a doubt, without fail, without condition and without end love me some you.

god will walk through your walls to meet you exactly where you are and walk you right on up out of that prison you created for yourself. you know how the bible says who the son sets free is free in deed? i think i get it now. it's because god can walk through walls. even when we put ourselves in bondage from sin and whatever else we do to separate ourselves from god, he just busts right on up in there and says, hey son, hey daughter. NOTHING can separate you from my love. NOTHING can pluck you from my hand. NOTHING can change that you are the apple of my eye and i know the plans that i have for you. WOW. god can walk through walls.

don't believe me? try him. i double dog dare you to tell god to prove himself. he's not man that he should lie and his word won't return void. if he said he loved you first and knew you before the foundation of the world was set, he means it. go ahead, ask him to walk through your walls. and then tell me all about it. i can tell you my story but i'm waiting to hear yours!

xbox is a girl's best friend

i'm new to the xbox party. i've always wanted one for obvious reasons. i'm a gamer. always have been. but i have this guilt thing when it comes to spending tons of money. i talk myself out of spending money when it reaches the $200 limit. i'll ask myself if i really need it. can i live without it. blah blah blah. i'm kind of frugal in many ways. not always though.

but i finally reached a point where i just wanted an xbox so i bought the xbox and a new tv. sounds like a big splurge right? not really. besides the xbox cost more than the tv. lol. crazy, huh? that totally explains why i never had one before.

now that i have my xbox, my wii and playstation are feeling neglected. i get it. they used to be my besties but the shiny new toy is getting all of my love. i can't help it. i can watch netflix, youtube, hulu, espn, listen to the radio and play video games all on the same console. xbox is a girl's best friend.

express your crazy in the open

one thing that sucks about people in general is our crazy unpredictability. we are capable of anything. we can weld our powers for good or for evil. most of the time we're good. i think in general people are just naturally good. but there is that side for evil that exists. our ability to hurt others close to us or not so close to us is always present.

the thing that sucks is you don't always know what you're getting when you meet people. sometimes they hide the crazy and it comes out down the road once you've gotten close and attached. other times the crazy is right out in the open. you know what you're getting because they SHOW you all the time.

i can't decide which is better, to know the crazy you're associating with ahead of time - mostly because it means you can automatically x that person out. or if it's better to not know ahead of time. i think in the end i want people to express their crazy in the open. i'm okay knowing you have issues. i'm okay knowing you are a tad touched. i'm okay knowing you're irrational and emotional and mean sometimes. i think if we're honest, we can all say those things about ourselves. it's part of our humanness.

i'm just a little annoyed right now to learn that some people hide their crazy hella well. i mean that stuff stays hidden for years. how do you judge that when you're looking at the character of a person? again, i wish people would just express their crazy in the open. let us know what to expect before we go getting all tied up to you.

i don't believe you

this will be a very short post today because i need to post but i don't feel like it. i'm in pain. not feeling all that great. and i have some things on my mind. actually i always have things on my mind. thankfully those things haven't kept me up the last few days. i've managed to get some great sleep and that's great. the beginning of last week didn't start out that way. but by the end of the week i was able to sleep like a baby. very thankful for that.

this weekend was mostly uneventful. great holiday party friday night but otherwise just tried to rest and relax and get myself feeling better. the next two weeks will be crazy. can't believe christmas is 2 weeks away. have i mentioned how much i don't like the holiday season? ugh. i really can do without it. which is hard since my birthday is so close to thanksgiving. i can't get into my bday without the nagging of the holidays right around the corner.

so this blog post was titled i don't believe you. i was thinking about one of those things on my mind. but i just decided that i'm not going to write about it. i don't want to. just call me the grinch. i'll be glad when christmas is over. also, i need to figure out what i'm going to do for new years. i have no clue!

sitting in the sensitive corner

monica said it best. today was just one of them days. i was so damn sensitive i had to sit in the sensitive corner for a while. i'm pretty sure i know what's going on - the combination of so much emotion at this time of year. i hate this season. i know i'm going to have to find a way to not be a sourpuss once i have a family. i've thought of a few traditions i definitely want to start. but this time of year just sucks.

so today i found myself feeling overly sensitive to words, actions and perceived thoughts of those around me or part of my life. sometimes you just need to sit in your corner and be alone. i have people asking me how i feel all the time. i don't always want to share. i don't always care to share. i write things out and there are people who actually read my words. but i'd write them whether people saw them or not.

hoping to have a better day tomorrow. a night in the sensitive corner was just what the doctor ordered. i hope.

sometimes i get scared

most people don't like to admit when they feel scared about something. we have a hate/hate relationship with fear that causes us to deny when things in life makes us scared despite the obviousness of our fear. i ain't got time for that. i admit where i am emotionally. sometimes i'm not quite sure. i admit that too. today, i'm admitting that sometimes i get scared.

my friends just had a baby. he's beautiful and he's a miracle and we couldn't be happier that he's here and healthy and a true bundle of joy. i spent yesterday afternoon holding him and cooing over him as he slept in my arms. i was thrilled. and i was scared.

sometimes i'm scared that i'll never know what that feels like. sometimes i'm scared that i'll never be a mother because i'm so far from being a wife. sometimes i'm scared that i'll spend the rest of my life alone. sometimes i'm scared that love doesn't want to find me -- it's not looking and it doesn't care to locate me. sometimes i'm scared that god decided that i didn't deserve love but he's not bothering to tell me. sometimes i'm really scared.

like i said, most people won't admit that to you. they walk around acting desperate because they are scared, but they don't want to admit it to themselves or anyone else. i know i'm not the only one that feels this way so i'll be big enough to share it so those people can accept they aren't alone either.

it's hard sometimes, believing beyond what you see. it's hard staying strong in your faith when you're waiting and waiting. it's hard sometimes trusting when it doesn't work out the first time or the second time or the third time or ....

today i wanted to give thanks for all the amazing things that are in my life. my friends, my family and my career. i'm thankful for the peace in my home and the freedom to do whatever i want and the ability to help people when i'm needed and the desire to extend myself and my talents and my resources to those i love and care about. i'm thankful that even when i feel alone and i'm tired of hugging the pillows at night and i'd rather be hugged by the man i love, i'm not depressed by the absence of love. i'm thankful that i've never turned to drugs or alcohol to fill the space that a relationship should occupy. i know there are many who can't say that.

the holiday season is one of the saddest times of the year. never are you more reminded of what you don't have than during the time between thanksgiving and new years. for the last two years i have thrown it out to the universe that i want to spend the holidays with my future in-laws. that has yet to happen. i am disappointed that it hasn't happened. i'm also scared that i may not see that day at all. i cried a little today. i didn't want to. i was driving to my friends house and just started bawling.

i am thankful for what i have and i am trusting to see the fulfillment of my heart's desire. but sometimes i get scared about it all.