the difference a day makes

lately i have been feeling a little out of sorts with some things in life. i hate to sound whiny because i'm not a whiner. i love life. i enjoy laughing. but i can't always walk on the sunny side. sometimes things just suck! that is how i found myself feeling out of sorts a few days ago. today, my little sister asked me if i was sleepless in seattle. it made me laugh because i do have some sleepless nights. i have trouble shutting my brain off and disconnecting from all the crap that gets dumped on me throughout the day. but to be honest, i'm not sleepless in seattle, i'm restless in seattle.

i sent my little sister and her hubby a gift for their anniversary that i believe will change their lives for the better. to thank me, they prayed for me. it was an awesome prayer and i really enjoyed having the blessing spoken over my life. this is a year of transition for me. i don't know exactly what i'm transitioning to at this point, i just know it's happening. as as this month comes to an end and a new month begins, i find myself wanting more and more to welcome the best that life has to offer with open arms. today might have been crappy but tomorrow could be totally different. and in a good way. you just really never know what tomorrow will bring so i guess that's why they say "what a difference a day makes." seriously, your entire life can change in a matter of seconds. surly that is true for 86,400 seconds!

moving on

life is not about the destination it's about the journey right? that's what they tell us. no one has a straight path to follow and all of us will experience some bumps, potholes, hills, mountains, valleys and deadends. sometimes i feel like my road is full of deadends but then i have to remember it's about the journey not the destination.

i can look back over the many years of my life and see that i have had so many victories i can't count. i have had so many successes that sometimes i forgot what losing looks like. but we do all lose at some point. lately it feels like i've been losing more than winning but i know it's just temporary. i'm not a loser!

so the things i've been praying about and working to accomplish will have to manifest and i hope soon. let's be clear, no one likes losing. but there are lessons in a loss just as there are lessons in a win. i've done a lot of growing in the last few years as i've explored my current state in life. but i can say with all honesty now is a good time for moving on! 

dream on purpose

have you ever found yourself staring off into space lost in a daydream? i have to admit i am guilty more than the average bear. i daydream a lot. sometimes it's me projecting my expected outcomes for decisions i have to make. sometimes it's me working out story details for character development. sometimes it's allowing my dreams about my future to play out uninhibited. and sometimes it's pure fantasy and escapism with no real purpose except to take a break from all the other things going on in my life. i love to daydream.

but i was listening to joyce meyers' podcast today at work and she mentioned the need to dream on purpose. it got me thinking that maybe i'm feeling stuck in life because i haven't spent enough time dreaming. i can tell you exactly what kind of wife and mother i want to be because i dream about it all the time. i know i want to to be a best selling author because i dream about the book tour all the time. those are two roles that occupy much of my thought time and that leads me to one of two conclusions. either i'm obsessed with them, or they are the two passions of my life and i need to be working to bring those dreams to fruition.

so tonight i decided to do three things. they are very simple but will completely change my life.

1. dream on purpose every day
2. write down my dreams 
3. commit to being disciplined to bring them to life

what does that look like exactly? to be a best selling author i have to write. everyday. without fail. i've started by committing to blog everyday but soon i need to make the jump to writing on my novel everyday. i've always considered that to be an overwhelming task and let the fear of it not being great keep me from starting. that's crazy because there are TONS of not so great books out there that found great success. i'd venture to say the twilight series might qualify! but look how popular and successful it was! books, movies, conventions. it's crazy.

the wife and mother thing is far more difficult as i can't force that to happen. but i'm going to continue to prepare myself by serving those in my life now and living my life to the fullest. they always say love happens when you least expect it. i find that odd because if you want it you should expect it. but whatever. i put it out there that my desire is marriage and motherhood. i believe that dream will come true. i'm hoping sooner rather than later. but until it happens, i'll keep dreaming.

god is always moving

lately i’ve been feeling stuck and my life just doesn’t seem to be moving forward. so i’ve taken to vision boarding so i can collect my thoughts and format my master plan. i’m a planner and that’s how i’ve gotten to where i am. although not on my own. i know god had more to do with it than me. all i did was say yes. which to be fair can be a hard pill to swallow. saying yes has taken me to some interesting places. but here i am and i’m wondering how to get unstuck. time for me to hitch  my life to god’s tow truck so he can pull me out of the mud and we can get on the road again. god is always moving and i want to be moving forward with  him.

 

with that said, my vision boarding focuses heavy on three areas that have caused me many sleepless nights and more than a fair share of tears. my love life, my job and my student loan debt. actually i don't cry over the student loan debt, i just want it gone! lol. but i have cried over work and love. i hurts that things don't seem to be happening but then i have to remember that as i go through this rough patch, god has a track record of victory in my life and i don't want to forget that! ever!!! so, as i vision board and talk with god and work to get unstuck, i'm looking forward to what lies ahead. because at some point that is going to include a beautiful sapphire engagement ring (yay!), a new job (yay!) and me taking on my greatest role yet (as a mother!) so i know it get's better. it gets easier. but mostly god is always moving so this too shall pass!

love is not a hallmark card

being from kansas city i only buy hallmark cards because i grew up hearing buy MOKAN first. since hallmark is headquartered in my home town, i represent and support my local small businesses. lol. the other reason i only buy hallmark cards is because they say exactly what i want to say without me having to take the time to formulate it. yes, i am a lazy writer some days. definitely why i have yet to publish a book and i actually write very well. and i'm a good story teller but you don't need me to tell you that unless i can back it up with a book you can purchase, right?

anyway, i am looking forward to getting random sappy hallmark cards from my boo that talk about how much he loves me and how the world stops whenever we touch and magic happens when he looks in my eyes. you know, the sappy stuff. but i'm also looking forward to walking out tangible love with him. the kind of love that goes beyond catch phrases and cliches. i'm looking forward to living 1 corinthians 13 with him and our children.

tonight at church our pastor talked about what it means to be marked by love. he suggested for us to truly understand who God is we should insert his name in the 13th chapter of 1 corinthians. so it reads:

God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, God does not boast, God is not proud. God does not dishonor others, God is not self-seeking, God is not easily angered, God keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

amazing. it does give you a better understanding of God's character. and shows how amazing his love toward us truly is. but then our pastor went a step further and suggested if we were to truly mature in our love walk and to be stamped by love, we should consider replacing love with our name, just like we did with God's name. how awesome would it be for someone to be able to say nourisha is patient. nourisha is kind. nourisha does not envy. nourisha does not boast. nourisha is not proud. nourisha does not dishonor others. nourisha is not self-seeking. nourisha is not easily angered. nourisha keeps no record of wrongs. you get the picture. if i could marture in those areas, i can only imagine how awesome my marriage will be. nothing will make it perfect but growing in my love walk will certainly path the way for success.

that's some serious food for thought and while i might find those words on a hallmark card, i won't find the grace to grow in love in a card. that comes with me seeking the face of God as i walk out this thing called life. i just hope that when i say i do to my hubby, he knows that he's getting a wife who desires to serve him in love.

getting my gleek on

i'm a week into blogging everyday and i've only missed twice that i can tell. considering i'm used to blogging once or twice a month that's not bad at all. i totally forgot last night as i was busy making hot wings, drinking wine and playing glee karaoke volume 1. let me just say, no one does glee like me! i'm a gleek for sure. but also a badass drunk karaoke singer!

i'm sure my neighbors hated my loud, drunken cooing but i had a blast. it was the perfect way to veg out after a long week. this morning i woke up with a slight headache but nothing a little water can't handle. now to decide what to do with my day. last weekend i stayed in and did laundry. it was pretty relaxing. this weekend i want to also be lowkey but a little less solo.

i have been having a hard time lately with some things not working out the way i wanted or expected so i am trying to regain perspective and move forward. i am usually really good at that but for some reason it's not all coming together a fast as it used to. it's a minor setback. but i'll work it out. don't you worry your little heads! think i'll break out glee karaoke again for a little inspiration.

no rest for the weary

tonight i hung out with my girl and i had a great time. we went to a birthday party for one of her friends and i got to reconnect with some friends i hadn't seen in a while. i love reconnecting. and i hope to do better staying in touch with people. after the party we went to a konami game party at the experiencing music project and enjoyed free drinks, snacks and konami's new titles. i had a blast but most of all i won volume 1 of glee karaoke revolution! that's right suckas, i'm about to get my gleek on up in here!

to cap off the night my friend and i had a great conversation about acknowledging your worth/skills on the job and working to be in a place where you get to shine as well as grow. right now i'm unhappy with my job situation. i've been there almost three years and it just keeps getting NOT better. there have been some developments recently that could bring change but everything i've seen in the past shows the opposite. i feel stifled and underutilized in the worst way. it's time for change and i realized tonight that i need to get serious about bringing that change to fruition.

i used to be married to a life plan. i've learned to ease up a bit in that area. now i realize that i don't have control but i like living with a roadmap. i'm going to spend the next few weeks mapping out the course i want my career to go and start working to make it happen. i'm responsible for my own life. i am where i am because of the choices i've made. time to make different choices so i can see different outcomes. and i have to do all of this while continuing the plan to move toward marriage. i tell you, a real woman's work is never done!

make new friends ....

when you relocate as an adult you are faced with the task of recreating a network in your new location. it's not easy. the older you get the harder it is to make friends. i moved to seattle with only one friend living here. i used my online skills to create a network through linkedin of other alumni in the area. it proved to be successful as i met a really dear friend that way. but mostly, it's been trial and error. and trust me, there was an error.

it wasn't totally their fault as they didn't know me and had no idea the high value and standards i place on friendship. the closer we got the more i realized we weren't on the same page. no harm no fowl. we parted ways and moved on with our lives. i met new people and developed a new circle. it has been God send because at the end of the day, when the stuff hits the fan, i believe there are at least a few ladies who would have my back. and that's really all any of us can ask for.

the thing is that friendship has growing pains and my new friends don't know me the way my old friends do. they don't get my humor all the time, or understand my facial expressions or gestures when words can't find their way to my lips. sometimes we don't communicate well and words are misunderstood and feelings get hurt. it can be exhausting when you're used to people just getting you. but then you have to remember that you went through the same thing with your old friends and it took some time for you to settle into the comfortable familiarity that warms your heart and puts a smile on your face just thinking about them.

i'm glad i met the ladies and gentlemen who have entered my life at this juncture but it would be nice to feel like they actually get me. many times i feel like i'm lost on them. i get blank stares or shrugged shoulders or in some instances dismissed. as a sensitive person it sucks. but i know we all have a tendency to be self-absorbed and we have to accept it as a fact of life. i will just be glad when this space in time passes.

getting out of the house

since i've decided to kick sallie mae out my house by paying my student loans off in the next five years, i've had to get some mental adjustments down. for starters, my normal mode of entertainment will have to change. i love movies and i usually go every friday night as long as there is anything worth seeing. that isn't always the case. but usually i find something to enjoy.

 but since i'm saving money and cutting back on things, i have to change how i entertain myself. right now, i'm sitting in the commons area of a large book store typing away on my laptop and watching last night's episode of pretty little liars ( a serious guilty pleasure of mine!) and thinking of new ways to entertain myself without spending massive amounts of money. so far on my list is hanging out at bookstores to get my people fix as opposed to eating out. i also plan to have friends over for "potlucks" more often so i can still hang out with them and have fun without spending money. i think you get the picture. i'm trying not to spend money i don't need to spend. the more money i can throw at sallie mae the sooner i can give her the boot!

the opposite of funny

i missed my blogging date last night because i was busy skyping with my bestie about life and how the place we find ourselves today, at this very moment (last night of course) was so not funny we couldn't help but laugh. in fact, i'd say somethings in our life are so not funny, they are the exact opposite of funny. and yet, after crying, screaming, and lamenting about it all, we found ourselves laughing!

so here's the thing, we are generally happy women who have pursued our educational and career goals without apology. we dance like no one is watching, laugh until our sides hurt, love deeply and completely enjoy life. hey, someone's gotta do it! but at the end of a hard day - a career woman has many of these by the way - it's a reality that we come home to empty houses. some days, that stings more than i'd like to admit.

i joke with my married friends with children that i'll be 40 going to kindergarten for the first time while they are dealing with teenagers. the thing is that at 32 (i know that's not old, yet) i'm no spring chicken. and since i'm not currently moving toward marriage with anyone, i could very easily be 3 years down the line giving birth. i won't entertain the thought of it being longer. mostly because i really will cry.

it's disheartening at this point. what decisions exactly have led me to this place in life? i'm not the type of career woman who decided to delay a family in favor of career advancement. in fact, i've been more than open to love. it just hasn't found me yet. so in the meantime, i was about the business of living my life. and i live! i travel, i watch and play sports, i enjoy music, i volunteer, i mentor and i socialize on the regular. and when i need downtime, i'm not sure anyone does it better than me!

so, what's a girl to do when she finds herself in a place where most things in her life are going just fine but a few key areas seem distant and out of reach? she laughs to overcome the pain and disappointment. because it's not funny, it's the opposite of funny.

writers are supposed to write.

i've been feeling guilty about how infrequently i blog because the whole point is to blog regularly. i've never committed to blogging every day but i'm thinking maybe i should. i'm a writer by training. i have both bachelor and master's degrees in journalism. i don't work in the field, per se, but i work in web communications. either way, i'm a writer and writers are supposed to write.

so i want to try to challenge myself to blog everyday. this blog usually includes the most intimate details of my emotional state as i blog about love and things. but i'm sure i could find other things to talk about as there is no shortage of awesome and not so awesome going on in my life at any given moment.

for instance, i'm searching for a new gig because i want more of a challenge. i've also cried more than once in the last few days because i'm single and i desire to be married and eventually moving toward having a family. there is no shortage of things for me to blog about so i'm going to see if i can do it. can i bore you with my life everyday for the rest of this year. i'm sure i can! lol.