hitting the bottom

the thing about falling is that at some point you reach the bottom. if you have ever fallen before you know that the landing can break you. i took a spill on my roller blades last summer and broke my arm. it hurt like hell! thankfully i had drugs to manage the pain while i recovered. i haven't been back on my roller blades since that day. honestly, i'm a little afraid of falling again.

for me, falling in love is a lot like that spill i took on my roller blades. i was coasting along just fine enjoying the feel of the wind in my hair and the fresh air against my face. then out of no where i lost my balance and crashed to the ground. when i finally picked myself up i was broken and in pain.

it's not that i was in love but it was definitely moving in that direction. but the dtr (define the relationship) conversation didn't really go as planned. his words were just like that damn rock that got caught in my wheels and brought me crashing to the ground. i won't repeat them here because, well, this is a public forum and i'm talking about a private pain. and unlike when i broke my arm, i don't have a pill i can take to make it hurt less. i get the wonderful privilege of feeling every single bit of hurt that comes with the realization that you and the person you were seeing are not on the same page.

of course i'm in good company as many people find themselves in this same spot. it doesn't make it suck any less. the icing on the cake is that yet again, i got to hear the words, "i think you're amazing and i want to keep being friends." right. because everyone woman is dating a guy so they can just be friends. yep. falling can really suck. but i don't regret one minute of it. while i have yet to strap on my roller blades after taking a fall, i refuse to stay out of the love game just because i got hurt. some people are happy to spend the rest of their lives alone. i'm not one of those people. i thought he was a great fit for me. and maybe he was. but it didn't work out so i strap up and get back out there.

the right guy for me is out there and he's going to be ready for love and all that it brings. i just wish the search was not as difficult as it's proven to be over the years.

catch me catch me i'm falling

i am terrible at navigating girl culture when it comes to boys. i flirt just fine. i dislike the giggly, googly eyed, gushy stuff that comes with crushing though. never got into that. imagine my surprise as i find myself falling for someone and feeling those exact things!

it's not fair really. i've managed to go my entire life without fawning foolishly over someone. sure i've had love interests and even fallen for someone before but i never acted like a school girl. so what is it about this man that has me acting out the school girl crush phase that i triumphantly avoided when i was a school girl?

to my credit i'm not going around writing my first name with his last name. i don't write both of our names inside a lop-sided heart. i'm definitely not planning out our futures and naming our children. that's exactly the kind of disturbed thing i couldn't roll with when i was younger. i do find myself smiling when i think about him. i've been listening to sappy love songs that i always ignored before. i even wrote a few short stories about us. seriously? i would totally make fun of me if it weren't me!

again i say it's not fair. my teenage niece told me i was crushing on him. i tried to explain to her that grown folk don't crush and i most certainly don't crush. she laughed at me and said, "oh auntie, you're definitely crushing on him!" she then proceeded to sing the sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g song. it's not that level trust me. but i can admit with complete assurance that i'm falling for him and i'm okay with that.