this week has been somewhat hard for me emotionally. i don't even want to talk about it now. i keep having these conversations in my head about a specific subject because my heart is heavy about it. but right now, i'm not sure i can voice my feelings completely. so i roleplay in my head wondering what words will have the most impact while doing the least damage. not sure that's even possible.
it's very metacognitive of me to try to process how i am processing this very hard thing. i want to ease the pain of it all because i don't like pain. no one does. i'm desiring a better the next time around but i realize i have to process through this situation. and so i'm roleplaying in my mind as i wait for the opportunity to let it play out in real life. i have no idea what will happen. i joke that god is a sucker for a good story and that's why we have such dramatic stories but really, i wouldn't mind if this particular area was strictly by the book.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
how do you know
knowing is half the battle. that's what g.i.joe said. is he right? i find that i have a need to know things. i like to know how the story ends before i arrive at the actual ending. i want to know how things will play out because i don't want to be surprised at the end. i need to know what is coming next in my life because i want to be prepared. some call it a need to be in control. maybe it is. but i just want to know. generally, i just need to know!
how do you successfully navigate life when there are things you don't know? for instance, how do you know when to give your heart to someone and it will work out in the end? how do you know when it's time to walk away from something and it's okay to walk away? how do you know when a friendship has reached the end of its season? how do you know when you are making the right choice when making a major decision in life? how do you know?
my need to know and my doubt about when i know are mortal enemies. i don't find myself stalling on making decisions often because i don't know something. i usually go ahead and make a decision and hope for the best regardless of having all the facts or not. but i prefer to know for sure. i like certainty. absolute certainty is amazing. life doesn't work that way though. there are times when i will have to make a decision even when i don't have all the answers. the question is how can i make the best decision with the information i have, and how can i be at peace with it.
i have done some crazy things in my life that most would consider drastic. i've moved to a coastal city without a job or friends or somewhere permanent to stay. it's always worked out. i trust that things will usually work out in the end. they always do. but what if they don't? how do you know? there is actually only one area in my life that seems to never work out in my favor. love. cry me a river, right? everyone has been burned by love at some point. we all have the capacity to be horrible to each other and our relationships show it. but i want to be better. i need to be better. i just have one question. how will i know that this area will improve? i want to someday be married. i want to start a family. so far, nothing is happening in that area. well, there have been false starts. and i wish i had known how it would end so i could have avoided it altogether. that's the thing about not knowing. you can't prevent stuff. but maybe there are some things worth experiencing. life without love is no life at all. but there is also no such thing as love without heartache.
how do you know if something is right? maybe you just do. or maybe you can't know. either way, you still move forward. i have discovered i'd rather move forward and be wrong than not move forward at all because i wasn't sure if i was right.
how do you successfully navigate life when there are things you don't know? for instance, how do you know when to give your heart to someone and it will work out in the end? how do you know when it's time to walk away from something and it's okay to walk away? how do you know when a friendship has reached the end of its season? how do you know when you are making the right choice when making a major decision in life? how do you know?
my need to know and my doubt about when i know are mortal enemies. i don't find myself stalling on making decisions often because i don't know something. i usually go ahead and make a decision and hope for the best regardless of having all the facts or not. but i prefer to know for sure. i like certainty. absolute certainty is amazing. life doesn't work that way though. there are times when i will have to make a decision even when i don't have all the answers. the question is how can i make the best decision with the information i have, and how can i be at peace with it.
i have done some crazy things in my life that most would consider drastic. i've moved to a coastal city without a job or friends or somewhere permanent to stay. it's always worked out. i trust that things will usually work out in the end. they always do. but what if they don't? how do you know? there is actually only one area in my life that seems to never work out in my favor. love. cry me a river, right? everyone has been burned by love at some point. we all have the capacity to be horrible to each other and our relationships show it. but i want to be better. i need to be better. i just have one question. how will i know that this area will improve? i want to someday be married. i want to start a family. so far, nothing is happening in that area. well, there have been false starts. and i wish i had known how it would end so i could have avoided it altogether. that's the thing about not knowing. you can't prevent stuff. but maybe there are some things worth experiencing. life without love is no life at all. but there is also no such thing as love without heartache.
how do you know if something is right? maybe you just do. or maybe you can't know. either way, you still move forward. i have discovered i'd rather move forward and be wrong than not move forward at all because i wasn't sure if i was right.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
nothing gets past you
i have a new addiction. i am gaga over lie to me. it's on netflix and i can watch a whole season back to back. it's a great show about being able to read people's tells when they are lying. i'm trying to learn something about how to tell when people are lying. i'm excited by the possibilities of being able to tell if someone is not telling me the truth. I'm fascinated by the knowledge that there are universal expressions for certain emotions - fear, pain, sadness, surprise, disgust and anger. we as humans share so much that it's amazing we create so many ways to be different.
but because we share similar expressions we are more alike than we know. there is also the fact that we have the same creator, same genetic makeup and the same origins. who cares that we don't look alike. who cares that we don't share the same beliefs and cultures. the point is that we bleed the same, have the same anatomy and as it turns out, share the same expressions for universal emotions.
that got me to thinking. god is so bomb.com. he thinks of everything!!!!!! i don't care if you don't believe in god. i've said that several times before. i don't have the energy to convince you that he's real. besides, he doesn't need my help to do that anyway. he's god, almighty, and he sits on the throne. at some point, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess he is lord. so, with that knowledge, just know that i'm his biggest fan, but i am not a salesman of his salvation. this is all word of mouth baby. personal testimonials. and when he's as good as he is, why argue. just accept it. nothing gets past him. i take comfort in knowing that everything that concerns me is taken care of. he's got me. nothing gets past him!
but because we share similar expressions we are more alike than we know. there is also the fact that we have the same creator, same genetic makeup and the same origins. who cares that we don't look alike. who cares that we don't share the same beliefs and cultures. the point is that we bleed the same, have the same anatomy and as it turns out, share the same expressions for universal emotions.
that got me to thinking. god is so bomb.com. he thinks of everything!!!!!! i don't care if you don't believe in god. i've said that several times before. i don't have the energy to convince you that he's real. besides, he doesn't need my help to do that anyway. he's god, almighty, and he sits on the throne. at some point, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess he is lord. so, with that knowledge, just know that i'm his biggest fan, but i am not a salesman of his salvation. this is all word of mouth baby. personal testimonials. and when he's as good as he is, why argue. just accept it. nothing gets past him. i take comfort in knowing that everything that concerns me is taken care of. he's got me. nothing gets past him!
It's not what you think
Sometimes it's hard for us to realize that not everything is about us. We are so used to being selfish and self centered that we don't realize when it happens. But what else would explain you making everything about you?
People have bad days. Sometimes stuff doesn't work out. Things happen that have nothing to do with you. Yet we always take things personal when someone does or says things we don't like. It's not always what you think and it's not always about you.
I know what you're thinking. Where is this coming from? Just the acceptance that things aren't always the way you perceive. Sometimes a call goes unreturned because someone was busy. I don't know. I just felt the need to say sometimes it's not what you think.
People have bad days. Sometimes stuff doesn't work out. Things happen that have nothing to do with you. Yet we always take things personal when someone does or says things we don't like. It's not always what you think and it's not always about you.
I know what you're thinking. Where is this coming from? Just the acceptance that things aren't always the way you perceive. Sometimes a call goes unreturned because someone was busy. I don't know. I just felt the need to say sometimes it's not what you think.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Risk free trial
To live life means to take risks. You cannot leave your house everyday without accepting a load of risks. There are the risks of car accidents, muggings, robberies, fires, shootings and terrorist attacks. I mean, anything can happen.
And since anything can happen you really need to learn to enjoy life. Nothing is guaranteed. There is no risk free trial that let's you try life out for a short period of time. You either live or you don't. Many people choose to be alive but not to live.
I decided to truly live a few years ago. And I haven't looked back since. I think every day is a gift and I want to say at the end that I cherished my gift.
This weekend I decided to be impulsive and spontaneous. I hoped a train to Portland and I have no agenda! How liberating. I'm just playing it by ear. I'm going to wake up and enjoy some coffee and donuts and then head to the market and then try out a book store. It's all about living in the moment. Taking risks. And enjoying every minute of it.
And since anything can happen you really need to learn to enjoy life. Nothing is guaranteed. There is no risk free trial that let's you try life out for a short period of time. You either live or you don't. Many people choose to be alive but not to live.
I decided to truly live a few years ago. And I haven't looked back since. I think every day is a gift and I want to say at the end that I cherished my gift.
This weekend I decided to be impulsive and spontaneous. I hoped a train to Portland and I have no agenda! How liberating. I'm just playing it by ear. I'm going to wake up and enjoy some coffee and donuts and then head to the market and then try out a book store. It's all about living in the moment. Taking risks. And enjoying every minute of it.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
embracing the unexpected
life happens. sometimes it's not at all what you expected. maybe you never sat down and planned out your life but I did. im a planner so it makes sense for me to have some kind of roadmap for where i think I want to go.
last night I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about all the new changes in my life and all the ways i expect things to go. i was thinking about my new job and my life in seattle and the man I love but can't be with.
yep sometimes life just doesn't happen the way you expected. but im very happy with where i am. im excited about the community im building - new friends and expanding my seattle family. im excited about the new love coming into my life and how that is going to change things for me. so much change. so much to look forward to.
last night I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about all the new changes in my life and all the ways i expect things to go. i was thinking about my new job and my life in seattle and the man I love but can't be with.
yep sometimes life just doesn't happen the way you expected. but im very happy with where i am. im excited about the community im building - new friends and expanding my seattle family. im excited about the new love coming into my life and how that is going to change things for me. so much change. so much to look forward to.
Monday, September 19, 2011
for the love of bacon
i am craving bacon. i am craving the greasy, salty, chewy goodness that is pork bacon and as veruca salt would say, give it to me now! but alas, i'm not heading out of the warm comfort of my home to pick up a pack of bacon. i will suffer in silence tonight and hopefully make it to the store tomorrow to pick some up.
not sure why i didn't add it to the list last grocery trip. i mean really, what is life without bacon? don't answer that. i don't want to even think of the possibilities. it's just too much! the horrors. okay, i have a flair for the dramatic. and yet, my craving remains.
i've been battling strange cravings at night lately. it has no doubt contributed to the increased waistline i'm experiencing - and crying over! how did this happen? ugh. acting on your late night cravings equals a very bad idea. i know this first hand. learn from my experience. that's exactly why i need to get it together and return to my 10:30 bedtime. you can't eat if you're sleep! well, i guess you could sleep eat because that happens apparently. thankfully, not to me.
so i'm ignoring my relentless craving for salty, chewy, greasy bacon. instead, i'm going to hope into the shower, wash off the day, throw on my pjs and climb into bed. yes, for the love of bacon, that sounds like an absolutely brilliant plan.
not sure why i didn't add it to the list last grocery trip. i mean really, what is life without bacon? don't answer that. i don't want to even think of the possibilities. it's just too much! the horrors. okay, i have a flair for the dramatic. and yet, my craving remains.
i've been battling strange cravings at night lately. it has no doubt contributed to the increased waistline i'm experiencing - and crying over! how did this happen? ugh. acting on your late night cravings equals a very bad idea. i know this first hand. learn from my experience. that's exactly why i need to get it together and return to my 10:30 bedtime. you can't eat if you're sleep! well, i guess you could sleep eat because that happens apparently. thankfully, not to me.
so i'm ignoring my relentless craving for salty, chewy, greasy bacon. instead, i'm going to hope into the shower, wash off the day, throw on my pjs and climb into bed. yes, for the love of bacon, that sounds like an absolutely brilliant plan.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
he arrives precisely when he means to
as is my ritual/custom, i'm watching LOTR today. i usually watch once every quarter. it used to be much more frequently (once a month!) but i have a life and things to do and that's a lot of time! but today is my quarterly LOTR fest and let me tell you, i'm giddy. lots giddy actually because i adore LOTR. how cool is it that tolkein created an entire world that countless people would love to exist in. i for one can't wait to name my estate rivendale and name my horses after the many awesome characters from the stories.
i remember being in grad school when the movies first started gracing the big screen and wondering why i had never heard of this amazing story before. i grew up a big reader, seems i should have at least heard of them. but i hadn't. so when i was introduced i read all three books in a matter of a week and waited patiently to purchase my ticket for the big screen. none of this really has anything to do with the reason for this post. but i like a good story as much as the next person!
so, he arrives precisely when he means to - what the hay? gandalf said it and of course that makes it sage wisdom! i heart gandalf. i wish he was my grandpa. then i could go around singing "he's not my daddy he's my grandpa." omg. i'm sorry. that was random. that geico commerical is stuck in my head! i've tweeted it twice today and i've been singing the song nonstop.
sigh. okay, why is that a wizard is never late or never early? because he arrives precisely when he means to. time is his own construct. that made me think about god. yes, i'm making theological connections between LOTR and religion. some people consider that blasphemy. i consider those people dumb. moving on. god is always on time. in our world, he seems late sometimes. things are dire and we need a right now action from him. sometimes he doesn't move. i mean, all the praying and crying and begging and fasting and whatever other ritual we know to do doesn't make him come when we want. but how is it that people say he may not come when you want him but he's always right on time? because, he comes precisely when he means to.
i'm trying to accept that simple fact about god. i know my emergency doesn't mean an emergency for him. because when you exist outside of time, geesh, you can stop it and restart it or slow it down or speed it up as you please. that might break the rules of physics as we know them but god is outside of the laws of physics too. yes, big time mind frak! like i said, i'm trying to wrap my mind around a god that is beyond my comprehension. doesn't seem fair does it? life's not fair.
i remember being in grad school when the movies first started gracing the big screen and wondering why i had never heard of this amazing story before. i grew up a big reader, seems i should have at least heard of them. but i hadn't. so when i was introduced i read all three books in a matter of a week and waited patiently to purchase my ticket for the big screen. none of this really has anything to do with the reason for this post. but i like a good story as much as the next person!
so, he arrives precisely when he means to - what the hay? gandalf said it and of course that makes it sage wisdom! i heart gandalf. i wish he was my grandpa. then i could go around singing "he's not my daddy he's my grandpa." omg. i'm sorry. that was random. that geico commerical is stuck in my head! i've tweeted it twice today and i've been singing the song nonstop.
sigh. okay, why is that a wizard is never late or never early? because he arrives precisely when he means to. time is his own construct. that made me think about god. yes, i'm making theological connections between LOTR and religion. some people consider that blasphemy. i consider those people dumb. moving on. god is always on time. in our world, he seems late sometimes. things are dire and we need a right now action from him. sometimes he doesn't move. i mean, all the praying and crying and begging and fasting and whatever other ritual we know to do doesn't make him come when we want. but how is it that people say he may not come when you want him but he's always right on time? because, he comes precisely when he means to.
i'm trying to accept that simple fact about god. i know my emergency doesn't mean an emergency for him. because when you exist outside of time, geesh, you can stop it and restart it or slow it down or speed it up as you please. that might break the rules of physics as we know them but god is outside of the laws of physics too. yes, big time mind frak! like i said, i'm trying to wrap my mind around a god that is beyond my comprehension. doesn't seem fair does it? life's not fair.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
don't want to be the fool
love isn't complicated. i believe god made it a very simple thing. and yet we have managed to screw it all up and make it about games and control and winning and losing. no one wants to be a loser at love. i've felt that way for so much of my adult life. i've felt that everyone had the manual on love but me. i just couldn't seem to figure it out for some reason. i was invisible. and other women, almost all of them, were better at it than me. they just knew how to make it happen. all i knew was that no man ever seemed to really see me. and if he saw me, i never measured up. it destroyed my self esteem in that area. the other areas of my life were fine because my raw talent and skills and work ethic made sure i was noticed. and rewarded. but love, it's a completely different ball game.
the last few years have been hard on me. mostly because i've seen what it's like to be seen. and it still didn't work out. every experience can be a learning experience but sometimes i worry that i'm the fool. i'm the one who was open and willing and the joke is on me. no one wants to be the butt of the joke. no one wants to feel left out in the cold. love has been that way for me. it's like love finds pleasure in laughing at me sometimes. fighting that feeling is hard.
i'm very strong in my conviction and belief that love is simple. god made it simple. the price was paid. it's abundant and free. love doesn't fail. it doesn't end. there is more than enough to go around. because love never runs out when you give it away. it just returns to you in other ways. my belief in love this way doesn't make me a fool. but others have hinted to the contrary. the thing is, no matter what we believed, in the end we all had the same results. i want different results. i want to be loved by someone who cherishes my heart the way god does. i want to be loved by someone who protects my heart the way god does. i want to be loved by someone who can heal my heart the way god does. there are areas that i know i need ministering to. he touched those areas. it sucks that he was able to reach those spots and it still didn't work out. i'm trying to release it. i didn't know it would be this hard.
i know some people think i'm a fool for that. that i wasn't able to just move on. sigh. i don't want to be a fool. but i do want to be loved. that's not a bad thing. i'm not desperate for anyone but god. but i want fulfillment in my love life. if there is a manual, i want it. or to just meet a man that sees me - the way he did - but is ready to love me as well. a lifelong love. my story is still being written and i accept that god likes a good story. everyone likes a good story. i just want to get to the happy ending already. but does that make me a fool?
the last few years have been hard on me. mostly because i've seen what it's like to be seen. and it still didn't work out. every experience can be a learning experience but sometimes i worry that i'm the fool. i'm the one who was open and willing and the joke is on me. no one wants to be the butt of the joke. no one wants to feel left out in the cold. love has been that way for me. it's like love finds pleasure in laughing at me sometimes. fighting that feeling is hard.
i'm very strong in my conviction and belief that love is simple. god made it simple. the price was paid. it's abundant and free. love doesn't fail. it doesn't end. there is more than enough to go around. because love never runs out when you give it away. it just returns to you in other ways. my belief in love this way doesn't make me a fool. but others have hinted to the contrary. the thing is, no matter what we believed, in the end we all had the same results. i want different results. i want to be loved by someone who cherishes my heart the way god does. i want to be loved by someone who protects my heart the way god does. i want to be loved by someone who can heal my heart the way god does. there are areas that i know i need ministering to. he touched those areas. it sucks that he was able to reach those spots and it still didn't work out. i'm trying to release it. i didn't know it would be this hard.
i know some people think i'm a fool for that. that i wasn't able to just move on. sigh. i don't want to be a fool. but i do want to be loved. that's not a bad thing. i'm not desperate for anyone but god. but i want fulfillment in my love life. if there is a manual, i want it. or to just meet a man that sees me - the way he did - but is ready to love me as well. a lifelong love. my story is still being written and i accept that god likes a good story. everyone likes a good story. i just want to get to the happy ending already. but does that make me a fool?
my cup runneth over
aw the sweet joys of sleep. i have been able to sleep in today and it was wonderful. after spending the weekend with my crazy family and traveling all day i needed the rest. man, traveling drains the juice out of it. so today is all about rejuicing. i'm going to do a bit of laundry as i want to change out my bedding and freshen up my room. so i guess that is some work but mostly i'm lounging in bed. i'm catching up on tv on hulu and eventually i'll do something to my head. but then i will head to the gym for a spin class because i gotta keep my body healthy and happy.
the other part of my day is about reflecting on the great time i had with my family. the kids are so funny and i even enjoyed hanging with my brother and cousins and aunt and uncle. gma was her usual self. and so much of her behavior explains my mother perfectly. i can't have that cycle repeated in my children's life. i just can't. i want to create a safe place for my babies and my husband. but one thing my gma said several times this weekend that stood out to me is "my cup runneth over". how fitting. the love of family makes your cup run over. what i learned is the following things are necessary for that to happen:
the other part of my day is about reflecting on the great time i had with my family. the kids are so funny and i even enjoyed hanging with my brother and cousins and aunt and uncle. gma was her usual self. and so much of her behavior explains my mother perfectly. i can't have that cycle repeated in my children's life. i just can't. i want to create a safe place for my babies and my husband. but one thing my gma said several times this weekend that stood out to me is "my cup runneth over". how fitting. the love of family makes your cup run over. what i learned is the following things are necessary for that to happen:
- listening is imparative
- love means being honest and being empathatic
- everything is not about you - your feelings, your perspective or your time
- sometimes people say things that are hurtful and you have to learn to not make it personal
- sometimes people say things that are hurtful and they need to be called out on it
- family is important
- saying i love you is necessary
- ain't nothing wrong with having a drink after being around your family
- they may be crazy but they are yours
- and family is more than who you're born to, it's who cares about you
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
oh what a night
oh what a night ... or should i say what a morning? that dream was crazy. crazy freaky and it had me all shaken this morning. it wasn't a nightmare or anything. mostly it was a reflection of the things going on in my head. my concerns about communication between me and my family, me and my friends, me and my professional contacts, me and god. it's a reflection of my concerns about the status of things in my life - my career, my family, my love life, my relationships. it is a reflection of my vulnerability. i don't want to admit how scared i feel some days. i don't want to talk about how i'm terrified that i could lose my sister to cancer. i don't want to talk about how sometimes i wonder if love will ever find me. i don't want to talk about the possibilities that things won't turn out the way i hoped. those are the things that weigh on me and my dream made them all real.
what do you do when you're faced with the reality of your emotional state? i know i have to confront it. i know i have to own it. i know i have to make it submit to what i believe, what i value and what i expect. it's time to woman up and do what needs to be done. and it's time to accept that i'm not in control but the one who is has my best interest at heart. he has a plan and a purpose and if i stay in communion with him, i'll know what he's saying.
what do you do when you're faced with the reality of your emotional state? i know i have to confront it. i know i have to own it. i know i have to make it submit to what i believe, what i value and what i expect. it's time to woman up and do what needs to be done. and it's time to accept that i'm not in control but the one who is has my best interest at heart. he has a plan and a purpose and if i stay in communion with him, i'll know what he's saying.
Monday, September 5, 2011
it all comes together
writing my first post of the ninth month of this year and let me tell you, i'm in new territory. so much in my life is in flux. i've made a few decisions that have taken stability/structure out of my life in many ways, but heightened it in other areas. i feel blessed and nervous at the same time. so much can happen and i'm expecting so much to happen. where do i begin?
my sissy is home from the hospital and i'm so glad that when i left her she was looking strong and healthy. i am believing god for a miracle for her because if there is no miracle, my sister dies. that's all there is to it. and i can't ... i can't fathom that reality. i know people die from cancer every day, and i know people beat cancer's ass everyday. my sissy is a fighter and she will beat this. i'm not sure how i can give her strength to fight but i know there are things i can do to help. stepping my prayer life up is just the beginning. i want to do a fast but i don't take that lightly. i need to prepare for it. but i think it's definitely necessary. god is faithful and i expect to see his faithfulness in my family's life. all things are possible to those who believe.
now for the other areas of my life in flux. transition. i like transition more. i'm making some major changes when it comes to who i let have my time. i've discovered some people just don't mean me any good. or they bring constant chaos into my life. i've been wrestling with it because i don't like broken relationships but at the end of the day it's a pride thing and i can't let pride rule my life. god always has the final say and when he speaks i want to listen. i don't know for sure but all signs point to so long farewell. in the meantime, i'm perfectly fine living life and focusing on things important to me and not letting other people steal my time. i have so much to do right now and i need to be focused on me. it seems like my friends had no problem erasing me from their life. i'm the one that finds that hard to do. but it's not going to matter now. iron sharpens iron. friends sharpen friends. that's what i'm on now. that means some people get cut. i'm okay with it. took a while to get here but i'm okay with it.
finally, i have to get stuff in order for this writing career. my five-year plan is to be a full time writer. i know they tell you not to expect much from your first novel, but that doesn't make sense to me. i serve a god that owns the cattle on a thousand hills. why in the world would i expect to not experience his favor when i publish my book? i know that if i do my part, he always does above and beyond on his end. not gonna limit him or myself! so, gotta get things in order. this book is important. and i want it to be told well. so i'm writing more and doing exercises and now i need to discover my tone so i can check out other authors that flow in that tone. i need some writing mentors lol. i'm getting it all together because i'm very much aware that when it's all said and done, my steps are ordered and as such it all comes together.
my sissy is home from the hospital and i'm so glad that when i left her she was looking strong and healthy. i am believing god for a miracle for her because if there is no miracle, my sister dies. that's all there is to it. and i can't ... i can't fathom that reality. i know people die from cancer every day, and i know people beat cancer's ass everyday. my sissy is a fighter and she will beat this. i'm not sure how i can give her strength to fight but i know there are things i can do to help. stepping my prayer life up is just the beginning. i want to do a fast but i don't take that lightly. i need to prepare for it. but i think it's definitely necessary. god is faithful and i expect to see his faithfulness in my family's life. all things are possible to those who believe.
now for the other areas of my life in flux. transition. i like transition more. i'm making some major changes when it comes to who i let have my time. i've discovered some people just don't mean me any good. or they bring constant chaos into my life. i've been wrestling with it because i don't like broken relationships but at the end of the day it's a pride thing and i can't let pride rule my life. god always has the final say and when he speaks i want to listen. i don't know for sure but all signs point to so long farewell. in the meantime, i'm perfectly fine living life and focusing on things important to me and not letting other people steal my time. i have so much to do right now and i need to be focused on me. it seems like my friends had no problem erasing me from their life. i'm the one that finds that hard to do. but it's not going to matter now. iron sharpens iron. friends sharpen friends. that's what i'm on now. that means some people get cut. i'm okay with it. took a while to get here but i'm okay with it.
finally, i have to get stuff in order for this writing career. my five-year plan is to be a full time writer. i know they tell you not to expect much from your first novel, but that doesn't make sense to me. i serve a god that owns the cattle on a thousand hills. why in the world would i expect to not experience his favor when i publish my book? i know that if i do my part, he always does above and beyond on his end. not gonna limit him or myself! so, gotta get things in order. this book is important. and i want it to be told well. so i'm writing more and doing exercises and now i need to discover my tone so i can check out other authors that flow in that tone. i need some writing mentors lol. i'm getting it all together because i'm very much aware that when it's all said and done, my steps are ordered and as such it all comes together.
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