god can walk through doors

i have talked about my love of superheroes. actually i think i talked about it the other day. shrug. sometimes the days blur. anyway, i loves me some superheroes. have always wished i had a power. i honestly wish i could fly. i've always wanted to fly. sometimes in that jenny way where i pray to god, dear god make me a bird so i can fly far, far far away. other times in that freedom superman soaring way so i could jet through space and time a easy as can be just because. mostly, i just want to speed up my travel time and fly from one place to the next. teleportation was my back up super power but i figured the future would finally arrive and we'd all be star trek teleporting by now. so much for the future. back to superpowers.

i think to their core, superpowers represent the characteristics of god. he's strong, immortal, otherworldly, omniscient, omnipresent, compassionate, bringer of justice, defender of the people, savior. you get the picture. i love me some superman. but god is better than superman. and he can walk through walls. what? did she just say god can walk through walls? yep, i did. i'll say it again. god can walk through walls.

how do i know this? because i've been hurt A LOT. my childhood was definitely not ideal. i don't know many who would disagree when talking about their own childhoods. we've all been hurt. we've all been devastated by the reality of unmet expectations. we've all dealt with the disappointment of wanting something and it never happening, hoping for someone to be who they never were, wishing for change that never come. i know you know what i'm talking about. if it wasn't childhood, it was early adulthood. locate yourself so i can get back to my story.

my girls and i pray ever wednesday night. it's the highlight of my week in so many ways. i miss them so much and love when we are able to be in the same space and time together. it's magical. but every week, we get a bit of that through the phone. aw, loves me some technology too! this week, my friend kimmy said something that blew my socks off. hmmm. god can walk through walls. she heard it at a bible study and shared. i'm still looking for my socks.

when we're hurt, we put up walls. some of them around our heart. some of them around our dreams. some of them around our mind. we put them up to keep others out. we put them up to keep ourselves in. sometimes the walls have windows or doors. sometimes the walls are fort knox thick and impenetrable. except ... we serve a god who can walk through walls. god will always meet us where we are. dang. how dope is that? you know how you get in your feelings (like i was last week and had to sit myself in the sensitive corner)? you start thinking about all the dark and horrible things in your life and you start putting up the walls because who could love that hideousness? god does. i don't know why. he just does. and as soon as you put up that wall, he shows up and walks right through it. he walks right up into your mess and distress and says i absolutely, unequivocally, without a doubt, without fail, without condition and without end love me some you.

god will walk through your walls to meet you exactly where you are and walk you right on up out of that prison you created for yourself. you know how the bible says who the son sets free is free in deed? i think i get it now. it's because god can walk through walls. even when we put ourselves in bondage from sin and whatever else we do to separate ourselves from god, he just busts right on up in there and says, hey son, hey daughter. NOTHING can separate you from my love. NOTHING can pluck you from my hand. NOTHING can change that you are the apple of my eye and i know the plans that i have for you. WOW. god can walk through walls.

don't believe me? try him. i double dog dare you to tell god to prove himself. he's not man that he should lie and his word won't return void. if he said he loved you first and knew you before the foundation of the world was set, he means it. go ahead, ask him to walk through your walls. and then tell me all about it. i can tell you my story but i'm waiting to hear yours!

xbox is a girl's best friend

i'm new to the xbox party. i've always wanted one for obvious reasons. i'm a gamer. always have been. but i have this guilt thing when it comes to spending tons of money. i talk myself out of spending money when it reaches the $200 limit. i'll ask myself if i really need it. can i live without it. blah blah blah. i'm kind of frugal in many ways. not always though.

but i finally reached a point where i just wanted an xbox so i bought the xbox and a new tv. sounds like a big splurge right? not really. besides the xbox cost more than the tv. lol. crazy, huh? that totally explains why i never had one before.

now that i have my xbox, my wii and playstation are feeling neglected. i get it. they used to be my besties but the shiny new toy is getting all of my love. i can't help it. i can watch netflix, youtube, hulu, espn, listen to the radio and play video games all on the same console. xbox is a girl's best friend.

express your crazy in the open

one thing that sucks about people in general is our crazy unpredictability. we are capable of anything. we can weld our powers for good or for evil. most of the time we're good. i think in general people are just naturally good. but there is that side for evil that exists. our ability to hurt others close to us or not so close to us is always present.

the thing that sucks is you don't always know what you're getting when you meet people. sometimes they hide the crazy and it comes out down the road once you've gotten close and attached. other times the crazy is right out in the open. you know what you're getting because they SHOW you all the time.

i can't decide which is better, to know the crazy you're associating with ahead of time - mostly because it means you can automatically x that person out. or if it's better to not know ahead of time. i think in the end i want people to express their crazy in the open. i'm okay knowing you have issues. i'm okay knowing you are a tad touched. i'm okay knowing you're irrational and emotional and mean sometimes. i think if we're honest, we can all say those things about ourselves. it's part of our humanness.

i'm just a little annoyed right now to learn that some people hide their crazy hella well. i mean that stuff stays hidden for years. how do you judge that when you're looking at the character of a person? again, i wish people would just express their crazy in the open. let us know what to expect before we go getting all tied up to you.

i don't believe you

this will be a very short post today because i need to post but i don't feel like it. i'm in pain. not feeling all that great. and i have some things on my mind. actually i always have things on my mind. thankfully those things haven't kept me up the last few days. i've managed to get some great sleep and that's great. the beginning of last week didn't start out that way. but by the end of the week i was able to sleep like a baby. very thankful for that.

this weekend was mostly uneventful. great holiday party friday night but otherwise just tried to rest and relax and get myself feeling better. the next two weeks will be crazy. can't believe christmas is 2 weeks away. have i mentioned how much i don't like the holiday season? ugh. i really can do without it. which is hard since my birthday is so close to thanksgiving. i can't get into my bday without the nagging of the holidays right around the corner.

so this blog post was titled i don't believe you. i was thinking about one of those things on my mind. but i just decided that i'm not going to write about it. i don't want to. just call me the grinch. i'll be glad when christmas is over. also, i need to figure out what i'm going to do for new years. i have no clue!

sitting in the sensitive corner

monica said it best. today was just one of them days. i was so damn sensitive i had to sit in the sensitive corner for a while. i'm pretty sure i know what's going on - the combination of so much emotion at this time of year. i hate this season. i know i'm going to have to find a way to not be a sourpuss once i have a family. i've thought of a few traditions i definitely want to start. but this time of year just sucks.

so today i found myself feeling overly sensitive to words, actions and perceived thoughts of those around me or part of my life. sometimes you just need to sit in your corner and be alone. i have people asking me how i feel all the time. i don't always want to share. i don't always care to share. i write things out and there are people who actually read my words. but i'd write them whether people saw them or not.

hoping to have a better day tomorrow. a night in the sensitive corner was just what the doctor ordered. i hope.

sometimes i get scared

most people don't like to admit when they feel scared about something. we have a hate/hate relationship with fear that causes us to deny when things in life makes us scared despite the obviousness of our fear. i ain't got time for that. i admit where i am emotionally. sometimes i'm not quite sure. i admit that too. today, i'm admitting that sometimes i get scared.

my friends just had a baby. he's beautiful and he's a miracle and we couldn't be happier that he's here and healthy and a true bundle of joy. i spent yesterday afternoon holding him and cooing over him as he slept in my arms. i was thrilled. and i was scared.

sometimes i'm scared that i'll never know what that feels like. sometimes i'm scared that i'll never be a mother because i'm so far from being a wife. sometimes i'm scared that i'll spend the rest of my life alone. sometimes i'm scared that love doesn't want to find me -- it's not looking and it doesn't care to locate me. sometimes i'm scared that god decided that i didn't deserve love but he's not bothering to tell me. sometimes i'm really scared.

like i said, most people won't admit that to you. they walk around acting desperate because they are scared, but they don't want to admit it to themselves or anyone else. i know i'm not the only one that feels this way so i'll be big enough to share it so those people can accept they aren't alone either.

it's hard sometimes, believing beyond what you see. it's hard staying strong in your faith when you're waiting and waiting. it's hard sometimes trusting when it doesn't work out the first time or the second time or the third time or ....

today i wanted to give thanks for all the amazing things that are in my life. my friends, my family and my career. i'm thankful for the peace in my home and the freedom to do whatever i want and the ability to help people when i'm needed and the desire to extend myself and my talents and my resources to those i love and care about. i'm thankful that even when i feel alone and i'm tired of hugging the pillows at night and i'd rather be hugged by the man i love, i'm not depressed by the absence of love. i'm thankful that i've never turned to drugs or alcohol to fill the space that a relationship should occupy. i know there are many who can't say that.

the holiday season is one of the saddest times of the year. never are you more reminded of what you don't have than during the time between thanksgiving and new years. for the last two years i have thrown it out to the universe that i want to spend the holidays with my future in-laws. that has yet to happen. i am disappointed that it hasn't happened. i'm also scared that i may not see that day at all. i cried a little today. i didn't want to. i was driving to my friends house and just started bawling.

i am thankful for what i have and i am trusting to see the fulfillment of my heart's desire. but sometimes i get scared about it all.

don't believe in fairy tales, but i want a happy ending

fairy tales and girls seem to go hand and hand. there's always a prince but no one ever calls attention to the male fascination with fairy tales. let's be clear, star wars - male fairy tale! but in our world, no matter what part of the earth you call home, there is a story of a girl being rescued by a man who whisks her off somewhere to live happily ever after.

here's the thing. i don't believe in fairy tales. i imagine some people manage to have some version of a fairy tale but that's not my story. i just want the happy ending. not happily ever after, just happy. you know, like most people around me seem to have. like most women and men my age. no need to be rescued. i can hold my own. but how about we go off and build a life together, and, you know, be happy. i'm having a moment right now to be sure. but gah!

i spent the holiday with friends and i had a great time but i'm just like wow, when does this change? when do i stop going to these things solo? when do i get to spend the holidays with my the inlaws (yes, i'm aware that most people actually dread this, but how awesome to have the option)? i grow tired of this stage of life. not interested in hearing the foolishness that is circulated around to women who share my feelings/desires. save it for someone who needs a captain save a hoe. i do not. i have much to offer. i'm just wondering when i'll meet someone that recognizes that and is on the same page as me. i've managed to get half of that equation but not the whole equation. my love life is a half solved mathematical expression. how's that for irony? yep, no fairy tales, just looking for x + y = happy ending.

i just know

sometimes i just know things. i know certain things will happen. i know certain words will be said. i know certain people will be there. i just know. i've always been that way. i haven't always understood it but i've always known things without being able to articulate how i knew them.

that still happens. i know when things are about to change before they change. i know when things are about to end before they end. i know when people are going to do things that change everything before they make a move. it's not spooky or mystical or anything like that. it's like a gut thing. intuition on steroids. not sure how to best describe it. i just know that i know.

sometimes it really jacks up my emotions. you would think having time to prepare for something before it happens  makes you better equipped to handle it when the time comes. that's not really the case. because you have to access your feelings and process it all during the period when the change is unspoken. no one knows. so it's not like you can say anything. and to be honest, i never really know if it will come to pass or not. it's just a gut thing. sometimes people choose differently. sometimes circumstances change that cause things to change. life is pretty unpredictable.

but what i've never been able to understand is why is i can know something so strong, so much to my core, and then it doesn't happen? people choose differently. it's weird. i don't always get that strong to the core feeling. it's rare. and for the times when i really needed to be right with that thing, it didn't pan out. most other times it was right on. not sure how that works!

right now i'm getting my knowing feeling. i know something is about to happen and i'm trying to prepare myself for it. i don't want it to happen. but i have a feeling it's going to happen anyway. sometimes, i hate knowing.

don't dish it if you can't take it

i helped my friend celebrate his birthday today and we had a friendly game of bowling. naturally, we talked hella trash. you know how brown people do. we talk ish for the hell of it. keep it interesting. but it's not real. and it's all in fun. until you encounter someone who can dish it but can't take it. it annoys me. this chick had me ready to pimp slap her. i guess that means i'm getting my angry/violent tendencies again. time for some refinement!

but back to this chick. she jumped ship because she said we sucked and then got mad when we beat the crap out of her team. and she talked stuff the entire time and when we started serving it back to her, she got mad, quit the game and shut down our lane. really? what the frak? i can't stand a sore loser. i mean seriously, pull up your big girl panties and suck that ish up!

i have an associate that is like that. i actually watched her have a fricking tantrum because i was beating her in a game. she whined and pouted and acted like a frickin toddler. i don't know how to process that kind of behavior. we're grown people. i really need you to act your age and not your shoe size!!!! needless to say, i will never play a game with her again. i play to win and i usually do but if i don't, i know how to say good game and take my beating like a champ!

so, i'm going to offer some sage wisdom. stop trying to dish that shit out if your ass can't take it. do we understand each other? sore losers can kick rocks. and just to piss you off even more, i'm going to ask, how does that loss taste in your mouth? sucka!

wild card

my friend christina used to always talk about having a fasion wild card when putting together your outfit. she said you needed something to completely pop that set your outfit off but totally showcased your personality. fashion isn't my thing but i can appreciate tried and true fashion advice from a true fashionista. but i've come to learn that i myself am a wild card. and i LOVE it!

when people see me on first glance they aren't sure what to think. i'm short and brown and natural and unapologetically joyful. i sound a bit like a white girl but i grew up in a straight hood family. i'm a journalist by trade but i embrace science, technology, politics and history. there are few subjects i'm not versed in because i read constantly. i'm a tomboy to the core but i don't ever leave my house without make up on. i'd rather wear jeans and chucks but i love me some fly bags! i cheered from middle school to college and was still remembered by my peers as a nerd at my high school reunion. i find it hard to resist a great action/sci-fi/fantasy movie but i'm at every broadway show or ballet performance i can afford. i am a wild card. and people don't know what to think when they meet me.

i used to be self conscious about my interests because a girl like me wasn't supposed to be into the kind of things i like. to this day, i get weird looks from guys when i talk about playing video games and building robots while they're telling me how pretty i am. look, i know i'm beautiful. god told me i was beautifully and wonderfully made. but only a fool thinks a woman is one dimensional! i can cook your meals and birth your babies and entertain your boss and coworkers and host your family and keep your mind blown in the bedroom and be a beast on my job and serve my community and maintain authentic relationships with my friends and have your back and still be 100% true to who god made me. that is WHO i am.

so, yes i like being a wild card. i like people trying to size me up only to learn they think way too small to even begin to comprehend the awesomeness that god poured into me. i didn't always know it but now that i do, i own it and you'll see it when you encounter me. but don't worry, i have also learned to remain humble because my upbringing has taught me humility. i'm not going to make you feel less than, just like i'm not going to let you dim my shine. don't like it? that's okay. you have it in you to be great as well. embrace it and see what doors open up for you. we are all created to be the leading ladies in the story of our life. if you aren't playing that role, you need a new director!

make your next move your best move

something about celebrating a birthday makes you feel invincible. i feel bad, michael jackson bad! i mean, damn, life is definitely good. as i rang in a new year of life on the magical 11.11.11 with old friends and new friends and sort of friends, i felt overjoyed. this year kicked my ass and i made it.

i lost a lot the last 12 months. this blog has chronicled most of it so there really isn't a need to reflect on it now. but the last few months have been restoration of what was lost, taken or stolen. i have added new friends to my life and they challenge me to be better. i don't have to ask them to hold me accountable, they just do. i have added new employment that also challenges me and stretches me to perform at my absolute best. i'm allowed to shine and trust me, i do that very well. and i continue to catch eyes from men that are ready for me. i don't know what the future holds for me in this 33rd year of life, but i guarantee you my next move will be my best move.

my first lady donna houpe always said everyone can't go with you because not everyone means you good. i always try to see the best in people because i completely understand the nature of man. we are FLAWED. and in my frailties, i recognize my ability to harm. that's why i try to be quick to repent and ask for forgiveness. sometimes i miss it. but it's my goal and i'm very honest about that. it's still a shock to me to know not everyone operates that way. so this year, i've learned to cut the cancer loose as soon as it's identified. i'm guarding my heart, guarding my time and guarding my joy. i have places to go, things to do and lives to change. i'm making my next move my best move and some people that were hanging on in the past aren't invited to go along for the ride this time.

you think you know someone

people can fool you. they can present themselves one way and show up a completely different way later on. the thing is, you can fool some of the people some of the time but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. it's time to accept that i see who you are, and i'm choosing to believe it.

i can be pretty tolerant of people being moody and inconsiderate. i can even tolerate you getting out of pocket a time or to. but i can't tolerate you hurting people i care about. i draw the line. i realize that means i once again have placed other people's feelings ahead of mine, but that's beside the point. what i now know is you can think you know someone and discover you are wrong.

authentic people tend to always be authentic. no matter what is going on in their life, they will show up the same - what you see is what you get. those who aren't truly authentic will be able to fool you for a while and then the truth is revealed. i see your truth. i don't like it. i'm making a choice. i'm good without you.

it's not really three strikes you're out but honestly, that is strike three! what the hell? who are you? and why? what happened to make you this way? your words and actions are hurtful. but mostly they are completely unnecessary. i don't even know what to think about you. or the people who choose to make you their friend. i'm confused. actually, i'm not confused, i'm sad for you. perhaps you don't know who you are. maybe that's the problem.

leaving the door open

closed doors are usually final. doors slammed shut are usually terminal. leaving the door open just a crack means there is a chance -- however slight -- that it's not over. things can change. anything is possible. we never have the final say on somethings until death. and even death isn't final in most religions.

sales people often tell you never take no for an answer. if someone closes one door in your face there is usually another door opened somewhere else. what if the door that's closed is the only one you want open? what if you can push it cracked just an inch? just enough for that tiny glimmer of hope?

i'm going to be honest and say that the the door is open. i haven't closed it. i've thought about it. i've toyed with it, closing it one day and opening up wide the next and finally settling on leaving it slightly ajar. i don't want it to be closed. closed is so final. i'm not ready for final. i'm trying. i don't feel all that great about it. to be honest, i think if i looked in the magic mirror and asked to reveal my true self, i'd see the stupid girl looking back at me. you know, the girl that doesn't know when to let go? the girl that doesn't know that it's over? sometimes i feel like that girl. no one wants to be that girl. the heart is an interesting thing. we choose what we want even if it's irrational, harmful, dangerous. we choose.

i choose to leave the door open. there is an expiration date on the door - a big sign hanging on the outside that says this door will not remain opened forever. but what does that really mean? forever? after this week? after this month? after this year? after a lifetime? do you ever really get over someone who meet you in a magical state? i can't explain it. the thing people say sealed the deal for them; how they just knew this person was the one they wanted to be with forever. that magic. what if you felt that when you met them? are you excused for holding just a little longer than you should?

i always say i don't care but i do. i care how people perceive me in some areas. love is a big one. smart girls aren't supposed to make the same mistakes the stupid girls make. we're supposed to be above it all. we're supposed to be rational. love isn't rational. i have chosen to embrace the irrational and live on the edge of leaving the door open; however slight.

i loved you on purpose

when i was a teenager i discovered for colored girls. it became a big to-do again last year when the film was released. i sort of kind of watched it last night as i was trying to drift off to sleep. didn't drift off to sleep but didn't watch it either. i just listened to the poems i used to read. my favorite was always no apologies. when janet read it last night, i remembered - i loved you on purpose, i was open on purpose.

is there any other way to love? isn't it always intentional? we decide to love and stay in love. we decide to be open to love and receive love. we decide. i know people say you fall in love. i think you grow in love. i think you DECIDE to allow yourself to fully love someone and to be loved by them. but we do decide. Sometimes we decide wrong. sometimes our decision doesn't pan out. both of those scenarios are better than not deciding at all. or deciding to close yourself off from love. as my favorite da vinci quote from everafter says, a life without love is no life at all.

i think most of us have been guilty of deciding to love on purpose with the wrong person. have you? i have been. i'm still dealing with the residuals of it all. but i accept that i loved him on purpose. i was open to him on purpose. and the next time i decide to love, it will be intentional, just like before. maybe it wasn't a wrong decision. our relationship grew me in many ways. i'm not sure he knows that. perhaps one day i'll share it with him. but today, i revel in knowing i loved him on purpose. i was open to him on purpose and that's a great thing.

withdrawals

anything you are addicted to will cause withdrawals once you cut it off. anything. i remember my freshman year in college. i managed to get addicted to animal crackers. i ate them all the time. and then it was gummy bears. i couldn't get enough of them. somewhere along the line i discovered pull and peel twizzlers and i'm not sure there's anything better in the gummy world.

genetically, i'm pretty sure i have addictive tendencies. when i like something, it's intense and extreme. sometimes it's abusive. i really didn't need to eat animal crackers for every meal! the freshman 15+ i gained can't be blamed solely on the animal cracker addiction but i'm sure it didn't help!

i come from a family of addicts. it's not something i talk about often because it's kind of a downer (no pun intended). it makes me conscious of my behavior a lot. especially when i discover maybe i'm displaying a little extra in the obsession area. i'm not stalker crazy so don't go getting dramatical on me. i just recognize that some things need to be avoided altogether just in case. and other things need to be done in strict moderation. in life in general, i leave very little room for era. even when i'm taking risks, i take managed risks. i'm not a silly girl.

the reason i'm blogging about this is because i'm pretty sure i'm going through withdrawal right now. i find myself wanting, hell craving it. i WANT it. HIM. i want him. i knew it the first night we meet. and that makes me feel some kind of way. the thing about withdrawal though is eventually you get it out of your system. i'm not sure that's going to prove true but i guess i'll find out. until then, i'll suffer through these withdrawals.

somethings aren't fair

sometimes life isn't fair. bad things happen to good people. good things happen to bad people. the young die young. the old suffer long. freak accidents take people before we have a chance to say goodbye. broken relationships mean we say goodbye too soon. somethings just aren't fair.

the last 12 months of my life have been full of neverending bad news. i have a friend losing her eyesight. my sister-in-law is battling cancer. my cousin was stabbed by his baby's mamma's brother, several friends saw their relationships end,

unfinished business

closure. most people seem to think you can't move on in life without getting closure from things in your past. i'm not sure i fully agree with that. or i guess, i think you can get closure independent of the person or situation causing you grief.

i might have a few things needing addressing in my life. a little unfinished business if you will. it hasn't kept me from moving on but i find myself wondering sometimes. did i handle it correctly? what could i have done differently? is it really finished or will it come back at some point? if you love someone/something let it go and if it comes back then that's how you know? is it true? do things ever come back? or is it once gone, forever gone?

things are good now. not completely what i was expecting for my life at this stage, but i'm good. i have a birthday coming up in a few weeks and i'm super excited to be moving into my 33 year of life. i have no idea what the future will bring. i can tell you what i want; what i'm expecting to happen. i'd like to meet and fall in love with my hubby. i'd like to start the business of planning my family. i'd like to travel somewhere far away to enjoy more of the world. i'd love to be celebrating the publishing of my first book. exhale. it feels great to even ponder. i hope in my heart of hearts i'm not spending the next year of my life flying solo.

i wonder, does my proclamation that life is good coupled with my desire to share my life with someone make me seem, i don't know, phony? dishonest? it's a weird thing to be happy and longing for something at the same time. are you content when you still desire more? i don't want more assets or more things. i want love. real, pure, lasting love. i wouldn't be content with life if that never happened. is that wrong? actually, i don't care if it's wrong. it's what i feel. i never deny my feelings.

my business with him might be unfinished but it's not stopping me from moving on. not that moving on has proven very successful. i could have very well made a fool of myself recently. that's the problem with owning your feelings. sometimes you shouldn't verbalize it.

she's come undone

today i accept that i'm kind of a big ole failure in a few things. i don't fear failing so i'm okay admitting that it happened. i'm going to make peace with it. how did i become such an overthinker? i'm really trying to think back to my childhood to see what sequence of events led to me being the master of over analyzing things that are probably simple. i can't recall anything in particular. i know my planning obsession is part of it. but when did i start thinking harder and deeper and with excruciating focus on things most people barely blink an eye at?

maybe that's not fair. sounds like i focus heavily on trivial things. that's not the case. i'm not paralyzed by making decisions. but i care so much about the different outcomes for things that i can talk myself out of enjoying very simple things. it's odd, because people seem to think i'm fun to be around. i'm definitely not boring. hell, i love hanging out with myself! but there are some things that shouldn't be done alone!!!! and i always find a way to talk myself out of even thinking of the possibilities of enjoying some things.

it's not like i think the world would suddenly come to an end if i made a decision to let my hair down and live in the moment. but, maybe deep down i do think that. perhaps i am worried that if i don't keep things together nice and neat i'll end. there are certain things about my personality that set me a part from others. there are certain behaviors i have that make me a little different. i rather like being different. so if i behaved like everyone else, would i cease to be special? would i cease to stand out? would anyone even notice me?

see what i mean? i know i'm thinking way too hard. my friend once said to me my actions didn't for a minute change his opinion of me and he doesn't understand why i was scared it would. he obviously didn't grow up hearing the crazy shit i did. it has been really hard to divorce myself from that foolishness. i'm trying!

there is something, well someone, he's not a thing, who i want to fully explore. he's complex and  i'm captivated. but i'm not sure how smart that is for me. in the end it doesn't really matter. i will find a way to talk myself out of ever truly enjoying him. but i have failed at respecting my own boundaries and my desire to guard him. and myself for that matter. i feel like a horrible person too. because i know what i want but i feel bad for wanting it. i don't think other people seem to even think about these things. and that's why my cousin told me to relax and live life. i really don't know how to fully give in to the moment. what happens if i come undone?

guard his heart, guard my heart

i'm going to take a minute to exhale because i just had an amazing conversation and prayer time with my girls. i love our wednesday night time together. i get what i need from them and god. i am also able to give to them and god. it's a win/win. and so i exhale the heaviness that gripped me at the beginning of the week. and i welcome the lightness that came with sharing my burdens with my sisters and leaving them at the feet of jesus. it's real to me.

so much was covered in regards to my emotional state this week. more and more i find myself struggling with the current state of affairs. it doesn't consume me and yet some moments of some days i fear i can't take in enough breath because my chest is so tight. the ache is so strong. i exhale freely now though because i got what i needed.

my friends are funny because they know me so well. they straight called me on my bs today and i needed it. they always allow me to feel what i feel and i love them for it. but they bring me back when i need that as well. so i'm thinking my actions and my language need to change.

without going into any real detail, i know you like it when i'm juicy but i got nothing for you today, i have found myself crossing the line with someone. part of me enjoys flexing my feminine muscles and allowing myself to fully enjoy the attention, attraction and pursuit of man. it's natural and biological on a basic level. but their are consequences. the other part of me knows people get hurt when we aren't honest and up front. i'm at an intersection.

it is always my desire to honor those in my life for being the gift they are. he has been a wonderful addition the last few months. he challenges me and inspires me and makes me laugh. these are all things i find attractive and necessary. i think he's awesomesauce and  i find myself wanting to spend time with him. herein lies the problem. he activates me and i can't act on it.

this might seem completely strange given the last few posts. i accept that. it's not really as disjointed as it seems as i don't share everything. a girl has to have some secrets, right? the deal is he's pretty special to me. so it becomes very important for me to take his heart into consideration. i read a book once that talked about women being the protector of men's hearts. that's a huge responsibility. men are pretty fragile and i'm not the most clued in on man-ese. i miss all kinds of cues and hints and ... sigh. i didn't date growing up. i'm still very awkward with the entire process. i accept it as part of my extreme lameness. but it is very important to me that i do my part to guard his heart.

this book talked about the nature of male/female relationships on both a platonic level and a romantic level. in much of our society these lines are blurred. we have friends with benefits or lovers and friends or booty calls and jump-offs. it's a lot of hooking up and little respect and love. that breaks my heart. and so i desire to honor his and guard it as best i can. that means keeping our conversation pure and free of sexual innuendos. it means being true to my convictions and honoring his. it means valuing his friendship as a gift.

it is very difficult to dial back once your feelings have gotten involved. and it's damn near impossible if you've thrown physical intimacy into the mix. knowing all of these things, and how i find myself more and more attracted to him, i am aware that i must change my behavior.

navigating this landscape would be much different if i didn't care. but i do. it's who i am. i don't want to hurt anyone any more than i want to be hurt. like i said, he's special to me. i hope my actions honor him and not harm him.

i need an intervention

these things i know to be my personal truths:
God is soverign
God is love
God can do the impossible
God desires to bless me with every good gift

these things i struggle to accept:
God's plan is not always the plan i would choose
God's method doesn't always make sense
God doesn't seem to feel the need to clue me in on anything
God requires our faith even when we're weary

these things i reject:
i will trust God even if it doesn't happen
if i don't do things right i negate God's plan for my life
i am alone because something is wrong with me or my faith
my faith is weak or i'm double minded and therefore God can't act on my behalf

i can get so into my own head that i cease to make sense to others. my sisters get me. a few others do. tonight i was able to talk out my jumble of emotions with someone who also seems to get me. and she's here. and i can be as honest and blunt and real with her as i can with my sisters and i don't feel judged or misguided or foolish or less than. i needed the intervention. i needed someone to hear me. someone to see me as i voiced the very real hurt i'm dealing with right now. i needed someone to respond to the pain i feel about the lack of love. i needed an intervention. and i hope that i was that for her. it is a shared pain. it is a deep pain. and i need God to intervene. i need to know that he hears and responds to those cries just like he does the others. my career is important but it's not the most important thing. but to look at my life, it seems like that's all God cares about. i know that's not true. or at least, i want to know it's not true.

me and God are good. in general, i love that i can come to him with any and everything. but he's not holding me. he's not physically there cheering me on and telling me i can do anything because he believes in me. he's not in front of me telling me i'm beautiful and sexy and desirable. he can't fill that place that he created man to fill. and i'm tired of that place being empty. i'm not empty. i'm not incomplete. but i don't quitefeel whole either. i'm not ashamed to admit that. to say that. i don't care how wrong or unchristian it sounds. my faith is solid. at the end of the day, i'm going to believe God. but at the end of the day, i also want to lay in the arms of the man who thinks God created me just for him. how is that wrong? i need an intervention.

he didn't choose me

today was one of those days i wish i could close my eyes and wish away. the day itself was fine. but i had an epiphany of sorts that completely changed things for me. well, it didn't really change anything. i just finally accepted what was already evident. and accepting something is the first step to healing right? or something like that. the first step is to admit you have a problem.

my problem is that i really thought he was going to choose me. i really thought at some point, he would put action behind his words - that he loved me and i was important to him. but today, it hit me, that wasn't going to happen. he didn't choose me. he wasn't going to ever choose me.

i'm not naive. i know that we make choices and those choices have consequences. but i believe that you can choose one thing today and choose differently another day. i know the circumstances of life in it's current state can dictate our actions in ways that lead us down paths we never expected. i really saw this going differently. but it didn't. and today i woke up and accepted that. and it hurts. it hurts really bad. because i'm tired of not being chosen.

how many times do you have to be excited for someone finding love while you continue to long for it with all that's in you before you lack the capacity to be excited? and yet, you continue to share the joy of others because you know how much it means to them - and how much it would mean to you if only you were the one being chosen?

i did what i was supposed to do. i followed the rules. and you know what? it didn't really matter. it didn't change anything. i don't feel incomplete by any means. i have a very fulfilling life in so many ways. but i can't stand that the only people there to share it with me have the same body parts as me. i want love. i want real, romantic love. i want a relationship that leads to marriage. i want to start a family with a man that cherishes me and what i add to his life. i want to be chosen. and i'm devastated by the constant rejection. do you know what it's like to always be overlooked? as if i don't measure up? but to still be constantly told how amazing you are?

my heart hurts. it's heavy. and i can't pretend like i'm okay with this. it's not just that he didn't choose me; and i really wanted him to. i really believed he would. the problem is that noone ever does. what am i supposed to do with that information? how am i supposed to feel about that?

i never catch cold

today was a hard day. it was almost nonstop action at the office and that's two days in a row. coming from a company where i was completely under utilized to a company where i'm part of the team, and a valued member of the team, i feel awesomely optimistic about my hard days. i know there will be rewards for working hard. but this is the time of year when my body rejects normalcy and i battle colds and flu and strep throat and colds again. i hate seattle falls!

i'm not sickly by any means but it seems like my body has been not been a fan of seattle. i've had the flue every year since i moved here. i've also caught an annoying virus twice and had strep throat four times! what does my immune system have against seattle? really!

but this year i am hoping things will be different. i eat healthier, i work out more, i get enough sleep (though this week i'm already in sleep deficit) and i take good care of my body. if i get so much as a wink of a cold i'm going to be pissed! being sick is not only a waste of time, but i'm a big baby and at the moment, i have no one to take care of me when i'm under the weather. i would have to make my own homemade chicken noodle soup (which is bomb.com!) and i would have to pick up my own meds. yep, it's the pits.

so my goal is to say this year for the first time since moving to seattle, "i never catch cold" and mean it.

If this world were mine

I love me some luthor vandross. That man could sang like nobodies business! I mean his voice. And those lyrics! I have to say that if this world were mine was my absolute favorite. Can you imagine the beauty of catering to someone you love in that way?

Love is supposed to be the ultimate expression of selflessness. The purest example of altruism. We rarely live up to such high standards. But it is my desire to prefer my husband above myself as much as I can. I'm not perfect and therefore will have plenty of selfish moments. But I really want to honor him and his love by walking that out as much as I can.

Given my severe dislike for single life at this point I hope to always remember the blessing he is to my life. I hear married couples talk about their spouse like they had a tail. Marriage isn't easy so I get it. I just desire to not fall into that trap. Marriage is a huge blessing and your spouse is a gift. You are a gift to each other. That being the case, what would you give or do for him/her if the world were yours and you had no limitations? I'll take the moon and the stars please!

on to bigger and better

last week was a big week for me. started a new gig that brings total joy to my life. i feel like i'm part of something that matters and who doesn't want to get paid for making a difference? so now i'm on to the next step in my cycle of joy. romantic love.

i'm ready to be found. the bible says a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. there has to be a man out there looking for a good thing! i've been letting ruth marinate for a few weeks and accepting my role in this process. i'm trying to be patient about my desires. i'm trying to avoid being desperate or needy or emo. i can't stand desperate women. but i know it's real easy to slip into foolishness when you grow weary! lol. although, maybe not. maybe desperation takes you to whole new heights that being weary doesn't. i don't know. just thinking.

so as i start this week and this new stage, i'm hoping for movement. i've never been a fan of dating. and i'll be honest, i'm still not. dating/courting, whatever you want to call it. it's exhausting. but i'm willing to do what is required to get my desired results. we'll see how this plays out. my past experiences have left a blemish on the process. but now it's on to bigger and better things. love and marriage are in the future for me. near future. i'm excited to complete the process.

god has smiled on me

one day my friend summer just busted out singing that song god has smiled on me and couldn't stop. it was cute and funny to us but so real to her. something in her life told her that god smiled on her. she had found favor in his sight. i find myself - at this very moment - understanding. completely. i'm singing it on the inside and smiling on the outside.

last week i was reminded of the david's words, what is man that thou art mindful of me. i seriously wonder what in the world i did to deserve this goodness, this grace, this love, this favor, the smile of god. the truth is i haven't done anything. i complain. i cry. i whine. i fall short, so short, of god's glory. and yet. here i am, in awe of his favor on my life. he has smiled on me in a big way. my heart is full and overjoyed. i am able to wake up everyday and do something i feel passionate about. i absolutely care about the job i'm doing because there are lives that matter attached to my actions. it's what i've always wanted. to do work that brings fulfillment.

god fulfills me but he has called me to do and be about his work. that requires action. and i'm thankful my action is something that can bring me income. i would say i'm at a loss for words, but you've clearly figured out that's not true. lol. i have many words. but the most accurate, and probably the least descriptive is simply - god has smiled on me. i hope to honor him in this venture. i hope to bring glory to his name. i hope to give voice to his babies who go ignored and neglected and remain invisible to society.

i grew up feeling invisible, inconsequential. now i am empowered to give voice to those like me. i feel ... wow. god has smiled on me. and the beauty of it all is my friends - my sisters in life - have been along for the ride. they have carried me and cried with me and prayed with me and for me. they have provided strength and a listening ear and direction, and even chastisement when i got sideways! again, how in the world did i get to a place where i deserved such treasures? i have iron to sharpen my iron in so many ways. god has smiled on me.

you may never fully understand the emotion of my heart right now but i do hope that you understand what summer understand all those years back, and i now understand - god has smiled on me and that's no small thing!

the shape of things to come

i'm not one to read horoscopes. my family is really heavy into zodiac signs. it makes me laugh because what can the stars tell me about me? anyway, i have been feeling some kind of way this weekend about somethings. i know i'm being cryptic but it's mostly because i don't want to spend too much time thinking about it now because i don't want it to invade my dreams tonight. i have a big day tomorrow and i just want to start fully rested and excited. so, back to this zodiac business.

some of my family and friends on twitter post their daily horoscopes and i read them occasionally because they offer great story ideas! yes, that's right. they are rife with fiction inspiration. i had a creative writing class were we had to read them every day and write a short story based on the life prediction. it was quite fun and some of my stories were epic. some sucked. such is the life of a writer. anyway, i read my cousin's scope and decided i'd click the link for the scorpio scope. my birthday is 11/11 so that makes me a scorpio. i'm supposed to be passionate and emotional and intense. queue smoldering eyes. hehehe.

but my scope said to chill. i was getting ready to jump to a conclusion about something without having the facts and it wouldn't end well if i did. the funny thing about this scope is that it's true. oddly enough it was confirmation for something i was praying about. more cryptic speak here.

i have a tendency to let my imagination run away with me. sometimes i'm right. sometimes i'm not. the point it that i have to stop acting on things without getting facts. there have been times i've said things that i later wanted to retract because i was so far from the truth it was ridiculous. but the thing about words, once they are spoken, they can't be taken back. you can't suddenly unsay it. this time, i'm going to just wait. and do nothing. as the scripture i got told me to do. i have a problem doing nothing. i feel useless when i do nothing. but sometimes doing nothing is exactly the right thing to do.

i have no idea what lies ahead. the shape of things to come is more than a mystery to me. but i want to make sure that whatever lies ahead, i'm ready and in position. life is this very interesting journey that doesn't always play fair or take the quickest or easiest road. sometimes it chooses the detours. i wish it would choose better when my heart was at stake. but it is what it is. and i'll have to take each day as it comes. but i will hold my peace in this situation. i'll wait. and see what happens. makes me feel helpless but it's better than messing up something by assuming the wrong thing!

by the book

this week has been somewhat hard for me emotionally. i don't even want to talk about it now. i keep having these conversations in my head about a specific subject because my heart is heavy about it. but right now, i'm not sure i can voice my feelings completely. so i roleplay in my head wondering what words will have the most impact while doing the least damage. not sure that's even possible.

it's very metacognitive of me to try to process how i am processing this very hard thing. i want to ease the pain of it all because i don't like pain. no one does. i'm desiring a better the next time around but i realize i have to process through this situation. and so i'm roleplaying in my mind as i wait for the opportunity to let it play out in real life. i have no idea what will happen. i joke that god is a sucker for a good story and that's why we have such dramatic stories but really, i wouldn't mind if this particular area was strictly by the book.

how do you know

knowing is half the battle. that's what g.i.joe said. is he right? i find that i have a need to know things. i like to know how the story ends before i arrive at the actual ending. i want to know how things will play out because i don't want to be surprised at the end. i need to know what is coming next in my life because i want to be prepared. some call it a need to be in control. maybe it is. but i just want to know. generally, i just need to know!

how do you successfully navigate life when there are things you don't know? for instance, how do you know when to give your heart to someone and it will work out in the end? how do you know when it's time to walk away from something and it's okay to walk away? how do you know when a friendship has reached the end of its season? how do you know when you are making the right choice when making a major decision in life? how do you know?

my need to know and my doubt about when i know are mortal enemies. i don't find myself stalling on making decisions often because i don't know something. i usually go ahead and make a decision and hope for the best regardless of having all the facts or not. but i prefer to know for sure. i like certainty. absolute certainty is amazing. life doesn't work that way though. there are times when i will have to make a decision even when i don't have all the answers. the question is how can i make the best decision with the information i have, and how can i be at peace with it.

i have done some crazy things in my life that most would consider drastic. i've moved to a coastal city without a job or friends or somewhere permanent to stay. it's always worked out. i trust that things will usually work out in the end. they always do. but what if they don't? how do you know? there is actually only one area in my life that seems to never work out in my favor. love. cry me a river, right? everyone has been burned by love at some point. we all have the capacity to be horrible to each other and our relationships show it. but i want to be better. i need to be better. i just have one question. how will i know that this area will improve? i want to someday be married. i want to start a family. so far, nothing is happening in that area. well, there have been false starts. and i wish i had known how it would end so i could have avoided it altogether. that's the thing about not knowing. you can't prevent stuff. but maybe there are some things worth experiencing. life without love is no life at all. but there is also no such thing as love without heartache.

how do you know if something is right? maybe you just do. or maybe you can't know. either way, you still move forward. i have discovered i'd rather move forward and be wrong than not move forward at all because i wasn't sure if i was right.

nothing gets past you

i have a new addiction. i am gaga over lie to me. it's on netflix and i can watch a whole season back to back. it's a great show about being able to read people's tells when they are lying. i'm trying to learn something about how to tell when people are lying. i'm excited by the possibilities of being able to tell if someone is not telling me the truth. I'm fascinated by the knowledge that there are universal expressions for certain emotions - fear, pain, sadness, surprise, disgust and anger. we as humans share so much that it's amazing we create so many ways to be different.

but because we share similar expressions we are more alike than we know. there is also the fact that we have the same creator, same genetic makeup and the same origins. who cares that we don't look alike. who cares that we don't share the same beliefs and cultures. the point is that we bleed the same, have the same anatomy and as it turns out, share the same expressions for universal emotions.

that got me to thinking. god is so bomb.com. he thinks of everything!!!!!! i don't care if you don't believe in god. i've said that several times before. i don't have the energy to convince you that he's real. besides, he doesn't need my help to do that anyway. he's god, almighty, and he sits on the throne. at some point, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess he is lord. so, with that knowledge, just know that i'm his biggest fan, but i am not a salesman of his salvation. this is all word of mouth baby. personal testimonials. and when he's as good as he is, why argue. just accept it. nothing gets past him. i take comfort in knowing that everything that concerns me is taken care of. he's got me. nothing gets past him!

It's not what you think

Sometimes it's hard for us to realize that not everything is about us. We are so used to being selfish and self centered that we don't realize when it happens. But what else would explain you making everything about you?

People have bad days. Sometimes stuff doesn't work out. Things happen that have nothing to do with you. Yet we always take things personal when someone does or says things we don't like. It's not always what you think and it's not always about you.

I know what you're thinking. Where is this coming from? Just the acceptance that things aren't always the way you perceive. Sometimes a call goes unreturned because someone was busy. I don't know. I just felt the need to say sometimes it's not what you think.

Risk free trial

To live life means to take risks. You cannot leave your house everyday without accepting a load of risks. There are the risks of car accidents, muggings, robberies, fires, shootings and terrorist attacks. I mean, anything can happen.

And since anything can happen you really need to learn to enjoy life. Nothing is guaranteed. There is no risk free trial that let's you try life out for a short period of time. You either live or you don't. Many people choose to be alive but not to live.

I decided to truly live a few years ago. And I haven't looked back since. I think every day is a gift and I want to say at the end that I cherished my gift.

This weekend I decided to be impulsive and spontaneous. I hoped a train to Portland and I have no agenda! How liberating. I'm just playing it by ear. I'm going to wake up and enjoy some coffee and donuts and then head to the market and then try out a book store. It's all about living in the moment. Taking risks. And enjoying every minute of it.

embracing the unexpected

life happens. sometimes it's not at all what you expected. maybe you never sat down and planned out your life but I did. im a planner so it makes sense for me to have some kind of roadmap for where i think I want to go.

last night I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about all the new changes in my life and all the ways i expect things to go. i was thinking about my new job and my life in seattle and the man I love but can't be with.

yep sometimes life just doesn't happen the way you expected. but im very happy with where i am. im excited about the community im building - new friends and expanding my seattle family. im excited about the new love coming into my life and how that is going to change things for me. so much change. so much to look forward to.

for the love of bacon

i am craving bacon. i am craving the greasy, salty, chewy goodness that is pork bacon and as veruca salt would say, give it to me now! but alas, i'm not heading out of the warm comfort of my home to pick up a pack of bacon. i will suffer in silence tonight and hopefully make it to the store tomorrow to pick some up.

not sure why i didn't add it to the list last grocery trip. i mean really, what is life without bacon? don't answer that. i don't want to even think of the possibilities. it's just too much! the horrors. okay, i have a flair for the dramatic. and yet, my craving remains.

i've been battling strange cravings at night lately. it has no doubt contributed to the increased waistline i'm experiencing - and crying over! how did this happen? ugh. acting on your late night cravings equals a very bad idea. i know this first hand. learn from my experience. that's exactly why i need to get it together and return to my 10:30 bedtime. you can't eat if you're sleep! well, i guess you could sleep eat because that happens apparently. thankfully, not to me.

so i'm ignoring my relentless craving for salty, chewy, greasy bacon. instead, i'm going to hope into the shower, wash off the day, throw on my pjs and climb into bed. yes, for the love of bacon, that sounds like an absolutely brilliant plan.

he arrives precisely when he means to

as is my ritual/custom, i'm watching LOTR today. i usually watch once every quarter. it used to be much more frequently (once a month!) but i have a life and things to do and that's a lot of time! but today is my quarterly LOTR fest and let me tell you, i'm giddy. lots giddy actually because i adore LOTR. how cool is it that tolkein created an entire world that countless people would love to exist in. i for one can't wait to name my estate rivendale and name my horses after the many awesome characters from the stories.

i remember being in grad school when the movies first started gracing the big screen and wondering why i had never heard of this amazing story before. i grew up a big reader, seems i should have at least heard of them. but i hadn't. so when i was introduced i read all three books in a matter of a week and waited patiently to purchase my ticket for the big screen. none of this really has anything to do with the reason for this post. but i like a good story as much as the next person!

so, he arrives precisely when he means to - what the hay? gandalf said it and of course that makes it sage wisdom! i heart gandalf. i wish he was my grandpa. then i could go around singing "he's not my daddy he's my grandpa." omg. i'm sorry. that was random. that geico commerical is stuck in my head! i've tweeted it twice today and i've been singing the song nonstop.

sigh. okay, why is that a wizard is never late or never early? because he arrives precisely when he means to. time is his own construct. that made me think about god. yes, i'm making theological connections between LOTR and religion. some people consider that blasphemy. i consider those people dumb. moving on. god is always on time. in our world, he seems late sometimes. things are dire and we need a right now action from him. sometimes he doesn't move. i mean, all the praying and crying and begging and fasting and whatever other ritual we know to do doesn't make him come when we want. but how is it that people say he may not come when you want him but he's always right on time? because, he comes precisely when he means to.

i'm trying to accept that simple fact about god. i know my emergency doesn't mean an emergency for him. because when you exist outside of time, geesh, you can stop it and restart it or slow it down or speed it up as you please. that might break the rules of physics as we know them but god is outside of the laws of physics too. yes, big time mind frak! like i said, i'm trying to wrap my mind around a god that is beyond my comprehension. doesn't seem fair does it? life's not fair.

don't want to be the fool

love isn't complicated. i believe god made it a very simple thing. and yet we have managed to screw it all up and make it about games and control and winning and losing. no one wants to be a loser at love. i've felt that way for so much of my adult life. i've felt that everyone had the manual on love but me. i just couldn't seem to figure it out for some reason. i was invisible. and other women, almost all of them, were better at it than me. they just knew how to make it happen. all i knew was that no man ever seemed to really see me. and if he saw me, i never measured up. it destroyed my self esteem in that area. the other areas of my life were fine because my raw talent and skills and work ethic made sure i was noticed. and rewarded. but love, it's a completely different ball game.

the last few years have been hard on me. mostly because i've seen what it's like to be seen. and it still didn't work out. every experience can be a learning experience but sometimes i worry that i'm the fool. i'm the one who was open and willing and the joke is on me. no one wants to be the butt of the joke. no one wants to feel left out in the cold. love has been that way for me. it's like love finds pleasure in laughing at me sometimes. fighting that feeling is hard.

i'm very strong in my conviction and belief that love is simple. god made it simple. the price was paid. it's abundant and free. love doesn't fail. it doesn't end. there is more than enough to go around. because love never runs out when you give it away. it just returns to you in other ways. my belief in love this way doesn't make me a fool. but others have hinted to the contrary. the thing is, no matter what we believed, in the end we all had the same results. i want different results. i want to be loved by someone who cherishes my heart the way god does. i want to be loved by someone who protects my heart the way god does. i want to be loved by someone who can heal my heart the way god does. there are areas that i know i need ministering to. he touched those areas. it sucks that he was able to reach those spots and it still didn't work out. i'm trying to release it. i didn't know it would be this hard.

i know some people think i'm a fool for that. that i wasn't able to just move on. sigh. i don't want to be a fool. but i do want to be loved. that's not a bad thing. i'm not desperate for anyone but god. but i want fulfillment in my love life. if there is a manual, i want it. or to just meet a man that sees me - the way he did - but is ready to love me as well. a lifelong love. my story is still being written and i accept that god likes a good story. everyone likes a good story. i just want to get to the happy ending already. but does that make me a fool?

my cup runneth over

aw the sweet joys of sleep. i have been able to sleep in today and it was wonderful. after spending the weekend with my crazy family and traveling all day i needed the rest. man, traveling drains the juice out of it. so today is all about rejuicing. i'm going to do a bit of laundry as i want to change out my bedding and freshen up my room. so i guess that is some work but mostly i'm lounging in bed. i'm catching up on tv on hulu and eventually i'll do something to my head. but then i will head to the gym for a spin class because i gotta keep my body healthy and happy.

the other part of my day is about reflecting on the great time i had with my family. the kids are so funny and i even enjoyed hanging with my brother and cousins and aunt and uncle. gma was her usual self. and so much of her behavior explains my mother perfectly. i can't have that cycle repeated in my children's life. i just can't. i want to create a safe place for my babies and my husband. but one thing my gma said several times this weekend that stood out to me is "my cup runneth over". how fitting. the love of family makes your cup run over. what i learned is the following things are necessary for that to happen:

1. listening is imparative
2. love means being honest and being empathatic
3. everything is not about you - your feelings, your perspective or your time
4. sometimes people say things that are hurtful and you have to learn to not make it personal
5. sometimes people say things that are hurtful and they need to be called out on it
6. family is important
7. saying i love you is necessary
8. ain't nothing wrong with having a drink after being around your family
9. they may be crazy but they are yours
10. and family is more than who you're born to, it's who cares about you

oh what a night

oh what a night ... or should i say what a morning? that dream was crazy. crazy freaky and it had me all shaken this morning. it wasn't a nightmare or anything. mostly it was a reflection of the things going on in my head. my concerns about communication between me and my family, me and my friends, me and my professional contacts, me and god. it's a reflection of my concerns about the status of things in my life - my career, my family, my love life, my relationships. it is a reflection of my vulnerability. i don't want to admit how scared i feel some days. i don't want to talk about how i'm terrified that i could lose my sister to cancer. i don't want to talk about how sometimes i wonder if love will ever find me. i don't want to talk about the possibilities that things won't turn out the way i hoped. those are the things that weigh on me and my dream made them all real.

what do you do when you're faced with the reality of your emotional state? i know i have to confront it. i know i have to own it. i know i have to make it submit to what i believe, what i value and what i expect. it's time to woman up and do what needs to be done. and it's time to accept that i'm not in control but the one who is has my best interest at heart. he has a plan and a purpose and if i stay in communion with him, i'll know what he's saying.

it all comes together

writing my first post of the ninth month of this year and let me tell you, i'm in new territory. so much in my life is in flux. i've made a few decisions that have taken stability/structure out of my life in many ways, but heightened it in other areas. i feel blessed and nervous at the same time. so much can happen and i'm expecting so much to happen. where do i begin?

my sissy is home from the hospital and i'm so glad that when i left her she was looking strong and healthy. i am believing god for a miracle for her because if there is no miracle, my sister dies. that's all there is to it. and i can't ... i can't fathom that reality. i know people die from cancer every day, and i know people beat cancer's ass everyday. my sissy is a fighter and she will beat this. i'm not sure how i can give her strength to fight but i know there are things i can do to help. stepping my prayer life up is just the beginning. i want to do a fast but i don't take that lightly. i need to prepare for it. but i think it's definitely necessary. god is faithful and i expect to see his faithfulness in my family's life. all things are possible to those who believe.

now for the other areas of my life in flux. transition. i like transition more. i'm making some major changes when it comes to who i let have my time. i've discovered some people just don't mean me any good. or they bring constant chaos into my life. i've been wrestling with it because i don't like broken relationships but at the end of the day it's a pride thing and i can't let pride rule my life. god always has the final say and when he speaks i want to listen. i don't know for sure but all signs point to so long farewell. in the meantime, i'm perfectly fine living life and focusing on things important to me and not letting other people steal my time. i have so much to do right now and i need to be focused on me. it seems like my friends had no problem erasing me from their life. i'm the one that finds that hard to do. but it's not going to matter now. iron sharpens iron. friends sharpen friends. that's what i'm on now. that means some people get cut. i'm okay with it. took a while to get here but i'm okay with it.

finally, i have to get stuff in order for this writing career. my five-year plan is to be a full time writer. i know they tell you not to expect much from your first novel, but that doesn't make sense to me. i serve a god that owns the cattle on a thousand hills. why in the world would i expect to not experience his favor when i publish my book? i know that if i do my part, he always does above and beyond on his end. not gonna limit him or myself! so, gotta get things in order. this book is important. and i want it to be told well. so i'm writing more and doing exercises and now i need to discover my tone so i can check out other authors that flow in that tone. i need some writing mentors lol. i'm getting it all together because i'm very much aware that when it's all said and done, my steps are ordered and as such it all comes together.

lessons learned

have you ever experienced something in life and thought, i never want to experience that again? lesson learned? i have had a few of those experiences in the last few years. actually, the last five years of my life have been one huge learning experience. some of my faith tenants have been tried. some of my beliefs have been stretched. some of my relationships have been challenged. and some of my values have changed. i have learned much in the last five years. which, is how it should be honestly. we shouldn't be the same person year in and year out. there should be some kind of growth. thankfully, i have a merciful teacher!

life isn't always merciful. it can be hard and harsh and unrelenting. i think i've experienced that as much as i've experienced the joys and triumphs and happy endings. but i have to believe that all of my life experiences have made me better. and let's face it, i haven't always made the right choice or done the right thing. i haven't always said the most affirming words or listened when i should. i'm flawed. i'm so flawed. and in my frailty i'm in awe that god sees the real me and loves me all the same. i can't help but ask who am i that you are mindful of me? a lowly woman! but i've learned to accept god's love rather than question it. in fact, i'm learning to accept his plan without questioning it.

she's so gone

i'm typing this from bed because i've been running so much since i got home that i didn't have time to blog. not really sure what this post should be about either. today i went for a hike with friends and had so much fun. i so enjoy hiking. it's a great way to be one with nature. and to connect with god.

the sound of the water rushing over the rocks and through the stream/river was so peaceful and you know what? it reminded me that everything can be new. there is no such thing as standing in the same river twice. the water is always moving and flowing. it's always new water.

i feel like that in my personal life. each day is new and each day i'm new. i know we have new mercies every morning. but i'm new every day. i never thought about it before. the woman i was yesterday is gone. she's so gone. the things i accepted without question from people, that's over. you don't get to dump on me, or mistreat me or disregard me and i let it fly anymore. that girl is gone. she's so gone!!!!!!

let's pretend that didn't happen

we hung out and you know what, it was fun. almost like old times. i think i'll just pretend the first half of this year didn't happen. whatever was going on, we're in different places and different spaces now. i can roll with it. i have this thing about broken relationships. i don't like them. i know everything can't be fixed but sometimes you just have to let things work themselves out.

i knew i would have an answer after this weekend. and i'm glad i let god write the story. when left to my own devices i can choose the wrong protagonist, antagonist and ending. he never gets it wrong. i take comfort in that!

in other news, i cannot ride a mechanical bull to save my life. first time ever i broke my thumb. tonight i barely lasted 5 seconds. not sure what it is about being bucked about like crazy but it's not my thing. but i always wonder what i'm missing that i can't do it but everyone else seems to be able to. poo. oh well, i have other skills.

when things line up

sometimes things don't work out. we're so used to that reality it isn't hard to make the leap to expecting things to not work out. sometimes we get beat down but life and people and we feel defeated. i've been there for a few years, feeling defeated and powerless. and then someone asked me, "does god still sit on the throne"? well does he? i'm going to say yes to that because he does. and when he's on the thrown, things line up.

where do i begin? i've gotten things in order in a number of areas. this thing is so fixed in my favor! i'm preparing myself for marriage and went to a class that gave me knowledge. i learned that i'm actually on target with my thinking, actions and way of being. i want to start my own business. i cultivated a relationship with a business owner who's doing his thing! he inspires me. he challenges me. and he offers support. i am ready to write my book. god places people in my life who are writers and also writing novels and books.

this thing is fixed. and as jeremiah 29:11 says, he knows the plans he has for me. who am i to fight god's plan? who am i to stand in the way of him making me great? i'm just going to let things line up and go with the flow.

speak friend and enter

friend was the magic word to open the locked door into the halls of moria. what a beautiful place it was too! the dwarves were master craftsmen with stone and rock and they built amazing halls. peter jackson didn't do too bad a job of bringing them to life either!

i'm realizing more and more, maybe because of age or wisdom or both or neither, i'm pickier when it comes to adding to my friend list. i've learned the last two years that simply saying friend is not enough to enter into a friendship. those sacred halls are more than a meeting place of people. they are home. to be in a friendship with someone implies that you feel at home with them.

i'm also learning rather quickly that it can change. you can feel at home with someone one season and not the next. what happens that makes it change so suddenly? truthfully, it's rarely sudden. most things take place gradually until you look up and their is a gulf between you. what started as a simple stream can eventually grow into a grand canyon. once the divide is there, it's really hard or impossible to bridge the space between you.

then there is the whole issue of how people behave once they've been invited into the hall. the orcs completely overran the halls of moria, killing the dwarves who called it home, making their beautiful halls dark and and stripping the place of it's former glory. the wrong friends will do that to you! you will look up and before you know it, your home is unrecognizable. they always say birds of a feather flock together. if you choose the wrong friends, it's not long before you become the company you keep. or they will overrun you so bad you will cease to exist.

i'm trying to figure out what my course of action should be right now. things have been different since february and as much as i wanted to deny it, the split began then. and from there it has gotten worse. now, i don't know how to build the bridge. my long time friend said let the chips fall where they may. i'm pondering. this could be a wait and see situation. sometimes, broken friendships have a way of working themselves out. other times, intention is required to bring resolution. after this weekend, i believe i will have more of an answer. someone else told me to seek god and follow his plan. now that's advice i could never argue with. so i'm waiting to see what happens, to see how god leads, to see if this friendship can be salvaged.

you are truly loved

i'm listening to pandora today and have it set to my out of eden station. i heart those ladies. their music was always tops in my book. can't understand why they didn't get bigger, but they ministered to the crowds they needed too. and that's great. anyway, listening to them makes me happy. very happy. their lyrics just put a smile on my face.

that is how i found myself smiling when i heard the lyrics "you are truly loved". i'm loved by a number of people. my family and friends love me for sure. and i love them right back! i'm loved by god. and i love him back. but there is a person who's love matters to me in a different way than my family and friends. it warms my heart to know of it. i accept that god has not finished constructing my love story. i rest in his desire to get it right. and i take comfort in knowing he's fashioned someone for me. i hope that soon all will be revealed. because i know i'm loved by him. and he is loved by me. patiently waiting for things to unfold. for love to be revealed.

living my life like it's golden

i have been on a journey this year -- a form of transition from the old to something new. i honestly don't know all the things god has in store for me. all i know is that as this year has progressed my time with him has revealed a desire to stir up my gifts and use them for his glory. to fully and completely embrace their wonder as they are a gift from the most high. he has bid me to release the fear that has so gripped me when it comes to writing. he has urged me to trust him as the creator to flow through me as i create.

it's a simple thing when you look at it. i was created to write. and so i write. as my life is empty without it. now that i have embraced my place and my purpose, i propose to live life like it's truly golden.

it is well

today was an emotional day. i released my job. i expected to feel anxiety and apprehension. instead, i felt peace. i felt light. i felt free. i am excited about what's next. i believe that god will show his power in a great way in my life than ever before.

i have a vision of what i want my life to look like and i believe that i'm free to walk that out. i was scared. and maybe i'll experience fear again. but i'm over being paralyzed by my fear. i'm over being stuck. god said i'm the head and not the tail. i'm above and not beneath. i'm a lender and not a borrower. i'm blessed in the city and in the field. i'm blessed in my coming in and going out. whether i go to the left or the right, god's voice guides me in the way to go. i take comfort in this. he's working and i'm getting on board with him!

it is well with my soul. and it will be well with me because i believe.

taking a leap and getting busy

tomorrow is a big day for me. i'm turning in my letter of resignation from my job. i've been there 3 years and if i stay, i will be there six years or ten years still doing the exact same thing. i've never been at a job more than 2 years without getting promoted. i work very hard because i enjoy what i do. i like to be rewarded for working hard. as it stands, i barely get an "atta girl" for my work. i feel devalued and i have finally gotten to a point where the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. i'm ready to leap.

some might consider me crazy for doing this without the safety net of a replacement. i consider it me taking control of my life and getting the job i want and creating the kind of life that i want. i believe i'll have a replacement before the dust settles on this job. i have to believe that.

i'm also taking this time to write. i need to write. it gives me energy and fulfillment. it gives my life meaning. i've been without meaning because my words have been stifled by fear. i refuse to let fear stop me from being great. i have too much to do. it's about time i got busy.

doing what you're born to do

as i sat at the light during lunch thinking about how awesome my italian sub was going to taste, i looked up at the sky. it's the middle of summer and we're barely in the 60s in seattle. but the sky was finally blue so i wanted to take it all in. i spotted an eagle soaring effortlessly through the sky. well, more like in a circle, but still soaring. it made me think how amazing it would be if i was born with a mutant gene that allowed wings to grow out my back like angel's from xmen. then i could spread my wings and fly away searching for ... who knows. if i were an xmen i'm sure my life would be very different. i'd be all badass and have to decide if i wanted to be a hero or villain and things could get all harry. forgive me, i've digressed into a geek rabbit hole that should be saved for a later day. today i'm being philosophical. sort of.

but how awesome would it be to wake up everyday and do what you were born to do? i mean, the eagle can fly because he's born with the tools to fly. he can soar effortlessly because he has the genetic code and the physical anatomy to make it possible. even when he learned to fly he had the natural instinct to open his wings and take off.

we have a genetic code that has us wired to do something too. we were born with the tools to function a certain way and if we took heed, we could wake up everyday doing exactly what we were born to do. i know what i was born to do. i've known since i published my first story back in kindergarten. i've just been stuck in a fear pit lately that has paralyzed me from writing more than a blog post length of anything. that would be like an eagle siting on a five foot tall boulder and spreading its wings to full span only to hop to the ground. it's a waste!!!!

i've made up my mind to stop squandering the talent god gave me. if i was born to do this how could i do anything but succeed? i was genetically crafted with the tools and instincts to write. it's in me. it comes out of me. it energizes me. it fulfills me. in hard times, it helps sustain me. it is what i was created to do.

you were created to do something. and you know what it is because it is what you think about when you're free from distraction and free from burdens and free from whatever bondage you have found yourself in. we all have to start somewhere. the eagle started soaring by being pushed out the nest. i have someone pushing me out the nest. you need to find someone to do the same for you.

we can do this. we can wake up every day and do what we were born to do. and if we are diligent, we can make a living doing it. thank you eagle for reminding me how truly awesome my gift is and how imperative it is that i DO it everyday. thank you light for forcing me to slow down long enough to witness the majestic eagle. thank you stan lee for giving me xmen envy because of course we should all desire to be genetic freaks of nature. and thank you sub shop for this fantastic italian sandwich. it totally hit the spot.

cry it out, walk it out

now that i have cried for most of the evening i have to take some tylenol so i can sleep. my sissy is in the hospital and her cancer has spread throughout her entire body. my natural inclination is to cry (which i did in droves) and panic (which i did briefly) and get angry (which i'm still fighting) and resolve to fight (i'm getting there!). this entire ordeal has been hard. she was diagnosed two months ago and it is not stage 4!!! accepting the facts right now are hard. she's 33. she's so young and beautiful and married with three children. this shouldn't be happening. i'm in shock.

but it is happening. and she has dropped down to 105 lbs and she can't eat and she's tired and she's ... oh hell, it's trying to take her out. but my faith says i serve a god who said cry out to me and i will answer you. ask me and i will give it unto you. psalms 30:2 says o lord my god, i cried to you and you healed me. i need to encounter that god. the god who heals, the god who hears, the god who answers, that is the god i need to show up in my sister's life right now. my relationship with god has been such that he does indeed show up. there has not been a time when i haven't cried out and been answered.

so i'm crying out on behalf of my sister and i'm trusting and believing and standing in faith that my god, who answers when i call, who heals when i ask, will meet her even now, as she lays in that bed with cancer eating away at her body. i command it to line up with the power and authority granted to me through the shed blood of jesus, my savior and my king. i need that healing to manifest in her body. i need that miracle power to show up. because if her body can't be healed by the blood that jesus shed, than his death was in vain. and my entire faith system rests on his blood leading to my deliverance from sickness, disease and poverty.

so god, i don't know you to be a failure. i only know you as a success. and i'm calling out to you. i know you hear and i know you have the power to heal. i know you have the power to deliver. i know you have the power to restore. i am asking for that power to show up.

good intentions

they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. we have intentions to do all kinds of things but most of us rarely live our lives with intention. what does it mean to be intentional? i found this little dilly online: Being intentional means making the decision to stop talking about the dreams you have and to start taking action to achieve them.

i can dig it. i've taken some steps lately to do just that. i must be intentional about being the woman i've purposed to be. i can continue to do things the way everyone else does them and i can be like them. but i was called to be greater. and my greatness won't be drowned out by fear or laziness or indecision. i will live a life of intention.

i have purposed to be exactly who god created me to be - authentic and true - and i'm over letting that woman exist in secret or the shadow of fear. i command my talents and my time and my life. they don't command me.

perhaps that's radical thinking, but the world is changed by those who are crazy enough to believe they can change the world. which will you be? EXTRAordinary or ordinary?

thinking of a masterplan

my friend and i have formed our own mastermind group. you know, just like the super wealthy because we need the push to plan and act so we can be super wealthy too!

you really do have to surround yourself with people who motivate you to achieve more and stay focused on your goals. if you hang with a bunch of people who aren't doing anything, you'll find yourself getting lazy and unproductive. that's exactly where i found myself last year and i've been working hard to claw out of that foolishness all year.

now eight months into this year - geez has it been that long for real? - and i'm finally feeling like i've accomplished somethings. i have made key purchases of things i really needed in my house. i've secured a few mentors to help with my personal and professional goals. i started praying with my friends every week to keep me spiritually grounded. and i've launched a new website to help me get through my life in seattle. heck i've even started dating again. i'm in a good place. and thanks to my mastermind group, i'll be more successful.

iron sharpens iron. time for me to prepare so i can perform when the time comes.

creating new space

i just bought a new dinning room set and now i have to figure out what to do with my old bistro set. i thought about putting it out on the patio but i already have plenty of furniture on my patio. so i decided to create some new spaces in my living room, starting with a breakfast nook. i don't have a bar in my kitchen so a breakfast nook would be awesome. besides, it can also double as my work space area. i'm ditching my desk. and my book cases for that matter. so i have to find new ways to organize all my books and photos and stuff that occupies that space. i want to get a new bookcase that's more open. my current bookcases are too heavy. i have some ideas but haven't done any actual work.

so before i pick up my new table and chairs, i've got to move the old ones to a corner in the living room until i figure out what to do. i guess it's a good problem to have huh?

chasing pavement

giving up is not an option so chasing pavement it is. okay, not really chasing pavement. it's more like chasing dreams.

i have a few things in the works right now and i'm beyond excited about getting started, mapping things out and putting into words what changes i'm desiring to make in my life. these are personal and professional goals for me to be the best me i can be. i'm trying to be excellent above all things and leave a big mark on this world. someway, somehow i plan to make it better than i found it. let's get it!

you can't always get what you want

i'm sitting at a borrowed desk at work typing this post on a borrowed computer and wondering why strange things happen to me. well, probably no more than to others but sometimes it seems like i'm an exception rather than the rule.

anyway, my friend is interviewing for a job today. it's a job that she would do awesomely well and definitely deserves but as things have been iffy in the past, i'm reminded that we can't always get what we want. sometimes what we want is bad for us. sometimes what we want is not what we need. and sometimes what we want is more than we can handle at the time. i don't want to say it but timing is important. but in the case of my friend, the time has come for things to change in her life. she's been laboring and i would love to see the manifestation of her faith walk. time is of the essence and i can't deal with hearing any more be patients. no, act!

we can't always get what we want but we can also act to make things happen. i'm praying god matches and increases her acts so she gets the outcome she desires and needs right now. stability is important and i want to see that in her life. that's not a want. it's a need. make that happen god!

a day wasted

my virtual pc crashed today. and IT spent the entire day trying to restore it. it's a mess. i mean a hot dog mess. i'm not sure how much of my files were destroyed by whatever corrupted the system in the first place. all i know is photoshop crashed and that's all she wrote for my virtual pc. i had my mac obviously but most of my work files were on my virtual machine. hoping to get it all squared away tomorrow. but that mean i wasted an entire day. can't say i would have rather been on vacation because the weather sucked.

but i woke up with a huge smile on my face today and i went to work in the best mood. a failed computer didn't dampen my mood. i walked out of the office happy and now i'm relaxing and doing laundry. while the work day was certainly a waste, i'm totally happy with how my day turned out. i feel destressed and relaxed. can't complain about that.

if god is a dj

i like to dance and the more i think about it, the more i realize that dancing is the ultimate form of release for me. and i'm sad to say that i haven't danced in a while. a long while. having brunch with my friends yesterday, we talked about a party we had where we turned on the music and just danced all night. it was great! it was more than great actually. and i can't remember the last time i just turned on the music and went for it.

i feel a private dance party coming on. and by private i mean just me and god. or maybe just me. or maybe there will be two parties. i don't know. all i do know is that there will be dancing. lots and lots and lots of dancing.

saying goodbye

today was the first of a few celebrations of my friends departure from seattle to enter graduate school in baltimore. i am all kinds of sad to see her go but more than excited to witness this next stage in her life. this woman is truly awesome and i've enjoyed getting to know her better over the last year. we've hung out regularly for fun and work.

it is a great thing to have people in your life who stretch you and make you grow. but also help you through the stretching so you don't break. i know she will find great success in school and as we start saying our goodbyes, i can't think of anything but great memories. i'm looking forward to journeying to the east coast to hang out with her for balticon next year. hopefully, we'll maintain regular communication. it does get hard when time zones change. i learned that from another friend who moved away suddenly. at least this transition wasn't out of the blue.

the thing about living in seattle, you just never know how close to get to people because they don't stay long. i've been here three short years and most of the people i have met are biding their time before they can get the heck out of dodge. it makes me sad. i was one of them for a while. i will probably feel that way in the future. for now, i'm here and i'm going to make the most of it.

friday is the birth of the weekend and should be the day i'm most excited about because it means freedom from work and time to do all the fun things i can't do when i'm at work. but that's rarely the case. lately, my weekends have been so full of activity that i just go into the next week feeling drained rather than relaxed.

i recognize this as a problem and so i realize i must act to rectify it. so what is a girl to do when her social calender keeps her on the go? sigh. it's a good problem to have i guess. but anything to the extreme is bad.

right now i'm all off my sleep schedule, i haven't seen the gym in ages and my eating has been anything but healthy. i need to do better. i have to do better. and i want to return to some balance in my work, personal, social life. i've decided to start meditating at least twice a week. i don't know a lot about the art of meditating and so i'm learning some things from friends who do it and enjoy it. it's a start. but i hope to be in a better place come september.

nothing more than feelings

i just had an epiphany of sorts. it's about my feelings and how i regularly let people get away with invalidating them. i'm not sure when i started this practice or how long and how deep the offenses, but it ends now.

my friend has been telling me for a few months in not so subtle ways that i keep putting other people's feelings ahead of mine. i've even blogged about it a few times. i'm not sure what i thought that meant - maybe i had a superiority complex and thought it made me a good person to be the feelings martyr. truth is, it has made me a coward in many ways.

some things should get a pass. sometimes we say and do things that make no sense and we really didn't mean it. of course that doesn't exempt us from making an apology, but i have found that i'm willing to let most things go. but i see that it's usually at my expense. you didn't mean to say something that would totally crush me or hurt me so that makes it okay. no we don't have to talk about it. i'm good. yes, i do that. why? because i don't want people to dislike me? because i don't like conflict? because i prefer to keep peace? because i don't want my words and actions to hurt others the way their words and actions have hurt me? maybe a little of all of the above.

time to grow up. my feelings actually do matter. and if you insist on disregarding them, you don't deserve a place in my life. and it's my responsibility to let you know when you've crossed the line. so many have crossed the line and i martyred myself for the sake of ... let's just say pride. but i'm over that. it ends now. and if it costs friendships or relationships, that's fine because it wasn't a healthy relationship anyway.

you're such a vibrant thing

my energy levels have been low the last few days. there are a few factors working against me in this area. the first being a lack of sleep. my computer got a virus and i stayed up later than i should have pondering a solution. eventually i had to restore factory settings and start over. i lost a few months of pictures and videos. i'm sad about that. apparently my backup didn't actually backup. no clue why. and because of it, i'm missing the evidence of my recent history. i could cry but i lack the energy.

secondly, we have had little sunshine in the last few days. i mean, i thought this was summer, but instead it looks and feels like october.i am not happy about this. i can't fathom ever being happy about this. seattle hurts my feelings far too often. yet, i live here and i'm trying to cope. i are the sadness because of it.

thirdly, i am emotionally drained from some things that are going on. i finally had to release it all and try to pick up the pieces from there. my energy source is feeling choked and as a result i'm feeling much like a zombie. not the psycho kind manufactured by the umbrella corp, but the dead eye kind from shawn of the dead. if you tie me up to a thick chain i'm sure i can play xbox with you for a bit. but eventually i'd just pass out.

this is no good. i'm a vibrant young thing and i need that to show. i took a vitamin for the first time in a long time this morning. they upset my tummy and i keep forgetting to bring them to work so i can take them after breakfast. today i braved it and made my way to work with a queasy tummy and prayer. after a week of those things, i'm hoping to see progress. i'm also hitting up the gym. yes, it might think i passed away since i've been gone for so long, but it's the gym, it has to welcome me back with open arms. besides, my paid membership demands it. and i'm going to get back on my sleep schedule. i have been staying up too late for too long and my body has had enough. i need my rest. i really need my rest. i function better, but i'm also more creative when i've had a good nights sleep.

and so the quest to return to my regular vibrant status is underway. may the force be with me.