i loved you on purpose

when i was a teenager i discovered for colored girls. it became a big to-do again last year when the film was released. i sort of kind of watched it last night as i was trying to drift off to sleep. didn't drift off to sleep but didn't watch it either. i just listened to the poems i used to read. my favorite was always no apologies. when janet read it last night, i remembered - i loved you on purpose, i was open on purpose.

is there any other way to love? isn't it always intentional? we decide to love and stay in love. we decide to be open to love and receive love. we decide. i know people say you fall in love. i think you grow in love. i think you DECIDE to allow yourself to fully love someone and to be loved by them. but we do decide. Sometimes we decide wrong. sometimes our decision doesn't pan out. both of those scenarios are better than not deciding at all. or deciding to close yourself off from love. as my favorite da vinci quote from everafter says, a life without love is no life at all.

i think most of us have been guilty of deciding to love on purpose with the wrong person. have you? i have been. i'm still dealing with the residuals of it all. but i accept that i loved him on purpose. i was open to him on purpose. and the next time i decide to love, it will be intentional, just like before. maybe it wasn't a wrong decision. our relationship grew me in many ways. i'm not sure he knows that. perhaps one day i'll share it with him. but today, i revel in knowing i loved him on purpose. i was open to him on purpose and that's a great thing.

withdrawals

anything you are addicted to will cause withdrawals once you cut it off. anything. i remember my freshman year in college. i managed to get addicted to animal crackers. i ate them all the time. and then it was gummy bears. i couldn't get enough of them. somewhere along the line i discovered pull and peel twizzlers and i'm not sure there's anything better in the gummy world.

genetically, i'm pretty sure i have addictive tendencies. when i like something, it's intense and extreme. sometimes it's abusive. i really didn't need to eat animal crackers for every meal! the freshman 15+ i gained can't be blamed solely on the animal cracker addiction but i'm sure it didn't help!

i come from a family of addicts. it's not something i talk about often because it's kind of a downer (no pun intended). it makes me conscious of my behavior a lot. especially when i discover maybe i'm displaying a little extra in the obsession area. i'm not stalker crazy so don't go getting dramatical on me. i just recognize that some things need to be avoided altogether just in case. and other things need to be done in strict moderation. in life in general, i leave very little room for era. even when i'm taking risks, i take managed risks. i'm not a silly girl.

the reason i'm blogging about this is because i'm pretty sure i'm going through withdrawal right now. i find myself wanting, hell craving it. i WANT it. HIM. i want him. i knew it the first night we meet. and that makes me feel some kind of way. the thing about withdrawal though is eventually you get it out of your system. i'm not sure that's going to prove true but i guess i'll find out. until then, i'll suffer through these withdrawals.

somethings aren't fair

sometimes life isn't fair. bad things happen to good people. good things happen to bad people. the young die young. the old suffer long. freak accidents take people before we have a chance to say goodbye. broken relationships mean we say goodbye too soon. somethings just aren't fair.

the last 12 months of my life have been full of neverending bad news. i have a friend losing her eyesight. my sister-in-law is battling cancer. my cousin was stabbed by his baby's mamma's brother, several friends saw their relationships end,

unfinished business

closure. most people seem to think you can't move on in life without getting closure from things in your past. i'm not sure i fully agree with that. or i guess, i think you can get closure independent of the person or situation causing you grief.

i might have a few things needing addressing in my life. a little unfinished business if you will. it hasn't kept me from moving on but i find myself wondering sometimes. did i handle it correctly? what could i have done differently? is it really finished or will it come back at some point? if you love someone/something let it go and if it comes back then that's how you know? is it true? do things ever come back? or is it once gone, forever gone?

things are good now. not completely what i was expecting for my life at this stage, but i'm good. i have a birthday coming up in a few weeks and i'm super excited to be moving into my 33 year of life. i have no idea what the future will bring. i can tell you what i want; what i'm expecting to happen. i'd like to meet and fall in love with my hubby. i'd like to start the business of planning my family. i'd like to travel somewhere far away to enjoy more of the world. i'd love to be celebrating the publishing of my first book. exhale. it feels great to even ponder. i hope in my heart of hearts i'm not spending the next year of my life flying solo.

i wonder, does my proclamation that life is good coupled with my desire to share my life with someone make me seem, i don't know, phony? dishonest? it's a weird thing to be happy and longing for something at the same time. are you content when you still desire more? i don't want more assets or more things. i want love. real, pure, lasting love. i wouldn't be content with life if that never happened. is that wrong? actually, i don't care if it's wrong. it's what i feel. i never deny my feelings.

my business with him might be unfinished but it's not stopping me from moving on. not that moving on has proven very successful. i could have very well made a fool of myself recently. that's the problem with owning your feelings. sometimes you shouldn't verbalize it.

she's come undone

today i accept that i'm kind of a big ole failure in a few things. i don't fear failing so i'm okay admitting that it happened. i'm going to make peace with it. how did i become such an overthinker? i'm really trying to think back to my childhood to see what sequence of events led to me being the master of over analyzing things that are probably simple. i can't recall anything in particular. i know my planning obsession is part of it. but when did i start thinking harder and deeper and with excruciating focus on things most people barely blink an eye at?

maybe that's not fair. sounds like i focus heavily on trivial things. that's not the case. i'm not paralyzed by making decisions. but i care so much about the different outcomes for things that i can talk myself out of enjoying very simple things. it's odd, because people seem to think i'm fun to be around. i'm definitely not boring. hell, i love hanging out with myself! but there are some things that shouldn't be done alone!!!! and i always find a way to talk myself out of even thinking of the possibilities of enjoying some things.

it's not like i think the world would suddenly come to an end if i made a decision to let my hair down and live in the moment. but, maybe deep down i do think that. perhaps i am worried that if i don't keep things together nice and neat i'll end. there are certain things about my personality that set me a part from others. there are certain behaviors i have that make me a little different. i rather like being different. so if i behaved like everyone else, would i cease to be special? would i cease to stand out? would anyone even notice me?

see what i mean? i know i'm thinking way too hard. my friend once said to me my actions didn't for a minute change his opinion of me and he doesn't understand why i was scared it would. he obviously didn't grow up hearing the crazy shit i did. it has been really hard to divorce myself from that foolishness. i'm trying!

there is something, well someone, he's not a thing, who i want to fully explore. he's complex and  i'm captivated. but i'm not sure how smart that is for me. in the end it doesn't really matter. i will find a way to talk myself out of ever truly enjoying him. but i have failed at respecting my own boundaries and my desire to guard him. and myself for that matter. i feel like a horrible person too. because i know what i want but i feel bad for wanting it. i don't think other people seem to even think about these things. and that's why my cousin told me to relax and live life. i really don't know how to fully give in to the moment. what happens if i come undone?

guard his heart, guard my heart

i'm going to take a minute to exhale because i just had an amazing conversation and prayer time with my girls. i love our wednesday night time together. i get what i need from them and god. i am also able to give to them and god. it's a win/win. and so i exhale the heaviness that gripped me at the beginning of the week. and i welcome the lightness that came with sharing my burdens with my sisters and leaving them at the feet of jesus. it's real to me.

so much was covered in regards to my emotional state this week. more and more i find myself struggling with the current state of affairs. it doesn't consume me and yet some moments of some days i fear i can't take in enough breath because my chest is so tight. the ache is so strong. i exhale freely now though because i got what i needed.

my friends are funny because they know me so well. they straight called me on my bs today and i needed it. they always allow me to feel what i feel and i love them for it. but they bring me back when i need that as well. so i'm thinking my actions and my language need to change.

without going into any real detail, i know you like it when i'm juicy but i got nothing for you today, i have found myself crossing the line with someone. part of me enjoys flexing my feminine muscles and allowing myself to fully enjoy the attention, attraction and pursuit of man. it's natural and biological on a basic level. but their are consequences. the other part of me knows people get hurt when we aren't honest and up front. i'm at an intersection.

it is always my desire to honor those in my life for being the gift they are. he has been a wonderful addition the last few months. he challenges me and inspires me and makes me laugh. these are all things i find attractive and necessary. i think he's awesomesauce and  i find myself wanting to spend time with him. herein lies the problem. he activates me and i can't act on it.

this might seem completely strange given the last few posts. i accept that. it's not really as disjointed as it seems as i don't share everything. a girl has to have some secrets, right? the deal is he's pretty special to me. so it becomes very important for me to take his heart into consideration. i read a book once that talked about women being the protector of men's hearts. that's a huge responsibility. men are pretty fragile and i'm not the most clued in on man-ese. i miss all kinds of cues and hints and ... sigh. i didn't date growing up. i'm still very awkward with the entire process. i accept it as part of my extreme lameness. but it is very important to me that i do my part to guard his heart.

this book talked about the nature of male/female relationships on both a platonic level and a romantic level. in much of our society these lines are blurred. we have friends with benefits or lovers and friends or booty calls and jump-offs. it's a lot of hooking up and little respect and love. that breaks my heart. and so i desire to honor his and guard it as best i can. that means keeping our conversation pure and free of sexual innuendos. it means being true to my convictions and honoring his. it means valuing his friendship as a gift.

it is very difficult to dial back once your feelings have gotten involved. and it's damn near impossible if you've thrown physical intimacy into the mix. knowing all of these things, and how i find myself more and more attracted to him, i am aware that i must change my behavior.

navigating this landscape would be much different if i didn't care. but i do. it's who i am. i don't want to hurt anyone any more than i want to be hurt. like i said, he's special to me. i hope my actions honor him and not harm him.

i need an intervention

these things i know to be my personal truths:
God is soverign
God is love
God can do the impossible
God desires to bless me with every good gift

these things i struggle to accept:
God's plan is not always the plan i would choose
God's method doesn't always make sense
God doesn't seem to feel the need to clue me in on anything
God requires our faith even when we're weary

these things i reject:
i will trust God even if it doesn't happen
if i don't do things right i negate God's plan for my life
i am alone because something is wrong with me or my faith
my faith is weak or i'm double minded and therefore God can't act on my behalf

i can get so into my own head that i cease to make sense to others. my sisters get me. a few others do. tonight i was able to talk out my jumble of emotions with someone who also seems to get me. and she's here. and i can be as honest and blunt and real with her as i can with my sisters and i don't feel judged or misguided or foolish or less than. i needed the intervention. i needed someone to hear me. someone to see me as i voiced the very real hurt i'm dealing with right now. i needed someone to respond to the pain i feel about the lack of love. i needed an intervention. and i hope that i was that for her. it is a shared pain. it is a deep pain. and i need God to intervene. i need to know that he hears and responds to those cries just like he does the others. my career is important but it's not the most important thing. but to look at my life, it seems like that's all God cares about. i know that's not true. or at least, i want to know it's not true.

me and God are good. in general, i love that i can come to him with any and everything. but he's not holding me. he's not physically there cheering me on and telling me i can do anything because he believes in me. he's not in front of me telling me i'm beautiful and sexy and desirable. he can't fill that place that he created man to fill. and i'm tired of that place being empty. i'm not empty. i'm not incomplete. but i don't quitefeel whole either. i'm not ashamed to admit that. to say that. i don't care how wrong or unchristian it sounds. my faith is solid. at the end of the day, i'm going to believe God. but at the end of the day, i also want to lay in the arms of the man who thinks God created me just for him. how is that wrong? i need an intervention.

he didn't choose me

today was one of those days i wish i could close my eyes and wish away. the day itself was fine. but i had an epiphany of sorts that completely changed things for me. well, it didn't really change anything. i just finally accepted what was already evident. and accepting something is the first step to healing right? or something like that. the first step is to admit you have a problem.

my problem is that i really thought he was going to choose me. i really thought at some point, he would put action behind his words - that he loved me and i was important to him. but today, it hit me, that wasn't going to happen. he didn't choose me. he wasn't going to ever choose me.

i'm not naive. i know that we make choices and those choices have consequences. but i believe that you can choose one thing today and choose differently another day. i know the circumstances of life in it's current state can dictate our actions in ways that lead us down paths we never expected. i really saw this going differently. but it didn't. and today i woke up and accepted that. and it hurts. it hurts really bad. because i'm tired of not being chosen.

how many times do you have to be excited for someone finding love while you continue to long for it with all that's in you before you lack the capacity to be excited? and yet, you continue to share the joy of others because you know how much it means to them - and how much it would mean to you if only you were the one being chosen?

i did what i was supposed to do. i followed the rules. and you know what? it didn't really matter. it didn't change anything. i don't feel incomplete by any means. i have a very fulfilling life in so many ways. but i can't stand that the only people there to share it with me have the same body parts as me. i want love. i want real, romantic love. i want a relationship that leads to marriage. i want to start a family with a man that cherishes me and what i add to his life. i want to be chosen. and i'm devastated by the constant rejection. do you know what it's like to always be overlooked? as if i don't measure up? but to still be constantly told how amazing you are?

my heart hurts. it's heavy. and i can't pretend like i'm okay with this. it's not just that he didn't choose me; and i really wanted him to. i really believed he would. the problem is that noone ever does. what am i supposed to do with that information? how am i supposed to feel about that?

i never catch cold

today was a hard day. it was almost nonstop action at the office and that's two days in a row. coming from a company where i was completely under utilized to a company where i'm part of the team, and a valued member of the team, i feel awesomely optimistic about my hard days. i know there will be rewards for working hard. but this is the time of year when my body rejects normalcy and i battle colds and flu and strep throat and colds again. i hate seattle falls!

i'm not sickly by any means but it seems like my body has been not been a fan of seattle. i've had the flue every year since i moved here. i've also caught an annoying virus twice and had strep throat four times! what does my immune system have against seattle? really!

but this year i am hoping things will be different. i eat healthier, i work out more, i get enough sleep (though this week i'm already in sleep deficit) and i take good care of my body. if i get so much as a wink of a cold i'm going to be pissed! being sick is not only a waste of time, but i'm a big baby and at the moment, i have no one to take care of me when i'm under the weather. i would have to make my own homemade chicken noodle soup (which is bomb.com!) and i would have to pick up my own meds. yep, it's the pits.

so my goal is to say this year for the first time since moving to seattle, "i never catch cold" and mean it.

If this world were mine

I love me some luthor vandross. That man could sang like nobodies business! I mean his voice. And those lyrics! I have to say that if this world were mine was my absolute favorite. Can you imagine the beauty of catering to someone you love in that way?

Love is supposed to be the ultimate expression of selflessness. The purest example of altruism. We rarely live up to such high standards. But it is my desire to prefer my husband above myself as much as I can. I'm not perfect and therefore will have plenty of selfish moments. But I really want to honor him and his love by walking that out as much as I can.

Given my severe dislike for single life at this point I hope to always remember the blessing he is to my life. I hear married couples talk about their spouse like they had a tail. Marriage isn't easy so I get it. I just desire to not fall into that trap. Marriage is a huge blessing and your spouse is a gift. You are a gift to each other. That being the case, what would you give or do for him/her if the world were yours and you had no limitations? I'll take the moon and the stars please!

on to bigger and better

last week was a big week for me. started a new gig that brings total joy to my life. i feel like i'm part of something that matters and who doesn't want to get paid for making a difference? so now i'm on to the next step in my cycle of joy. romantic love.

i'm ready to be found. the bible says a man who finds a wife finds a good thing. there has to be a man out there looking for a good thing! i've been letting ruth marinate for a few weeks and accepting my role in this process. i'm trying to be patient about my desires. i'm trying to avoid being desperate or needy or emo. i can't stand desperate women. but i know it's real easy to slip into foolishness when you grow weary! lol. although, maybe not. maybe desperation takes you to whole new heights that being weary doesn't. i don't know. just thinking.

so as i start this week and this new stage, i'm hoping for movement. i've never been a fan of dating. and i'll be honest, i'm still not. dating/courting, whatever you want to call it. it's exhausting. but i'm willing to do what is required to get my desired results. we'll see how this plays out. my past experiences have left a blemish on the process. but now it's on to bigger and better things. love and marriage are in the future for me. near future. i'm excited to complete the process.

god has smiled on me

one day my friend summer just busted out singing that song god has smiled on me and couldn't stop. it was cute and funny to us but so real to her. something in her life told her that god smiled on her. she had found favor in his sight. i find myself - at this very moment - understanding. completely. i'm singing it on the inside and smiling on the outside.

last week i was reminded of the david's words, what is man that thou art mindful of me. i seriously wonder what in the world i did to deserve this goodness, this grace, this love, this favor, the smile of god. the truth is i haven't done anything. i complain. i cry. i whine. i fall short, so short, of god's glory. and yet. here i am, in awe of his favor on my life. he has smiled on me in a big way. my heart is full and overjoyed. i am able to wake up everyday and do something i feel passionate about. i absolutely care about the job i'm doing because there are lives that matter attached to my actions. it's what i've always wanted. to do work that brings fulfillment.

god fulfills me but he has called me to do and be about his work. that requires action. and i'm thankful my action is something that can bring me income. i would say i'm at a loss for words, but you've clearly figured out that's not true. lol. i have many words. but the most accurate, and probably the least descriptive is simply - god has smiled on me. i hope to honor him in this venture. i hope to bring glory to his name. i hope to give voice to his babies who go ignored and neglected and remain invisible to society.

i grew up feeling invisible, inconsequential. now i am empowered to give voice to those like me. i feel ... wow. god has smiled on me. and the beauty of it all is my friends - my sisters in life - have been along for the ride. they have carried me and cried with me and prayed with me and for me. they have provided strength and a listening ear and direction, and even chastisement when i got sideways! again, how in the world did i get to a place where i deserved such treasures? i have iron to sharpen my iron in so many ways. god has smiled on me.

you may never fully understand the emotion of my heart right now but i do hope that you understand what summer understand all those years back, and i now understand - god has smiled on me and that's no small thing!

the shape of things to come

i'm not one to read horoscopes. my family is really heavy into zodiac signs. it makes me laugh because what can the stars tell me about me? anyway, i have been feeling some kind of way this weekend about somethings. i know i'm being cryptic but it's mostly because i don't want to spend too much time thinking about it now because i don't want it to invade my dreams tonight. i have a big day tomorrow and i just want to start fully rested and excited. so, back to this zodiac business.

some of my family and friends on twitter post their daily horoscopes and i read them occasionally because they offer great story ideas! yes, that's right. they are rife with fiction inspiration. i had a creative writing class were we had to read them every day and write a short story based on the life prediction. it was quite fun and some of my stories were epic. some sucked. such is the life of a writer. anyway, i read my cousin's scope and decided i'd click the link for the scorpio scope. my birthday is 11/11 so that makes me a scorpio. i'm supposed to be passionate and emotional and intense. queue smoldering eyes. hehehe.

but my scope said to chill. i was getting ready to jump to a conclusion about something without having the facts and it wouldn't end well if i did. the funny thing about this scope is that it's true. oddly enough it was confirmation for something i was praying about. more cryptic speak here.

i have a tendency to let my imagination run away with me. sometimes i'm right. sometimes i'm not. the point it that i have to stop acting on things without getting facts. there have been times i've said things that i later wanted to retract because i was so far from the truth it was ridiculous. but the thing about words, once they are spoken, they can't be taken back. you can't suddenly unsay it. this time, i'm going to just wait. and do nothing. as the scripture i got told me to do. i have a problem doing nothing. i feel useless when i do nothing. but sometimes doing nothing is exactly the right thing to do.

i have no idea what lies ahead. the shape of things to come is more than a mystery to me. but i want to make sure that whatever lies ahead, i'm ready and in position. life is this very interesting journey that doesn't always play fair or take the quickest or easiest road. sometimes it chooses the detours. i wish it would choose better when my heart was at stake. but it is what it is. and i'll have to take each day as it comes. but i will hold my peace in this situation. i'll wait. and see what happens. makes me feel helpless but it's better than messing up something by assuming the wrong thing!