give it up, turn it loose

the power went out at work today and left us with no internet connection. as the web girl it means i’m sitting at my desk with nothing to do but listen to the music in my itunes library and blog. so, i hit the shuffle button and leaned back to enjoy whatever tunes blasted through my earbuds.  what did i get but an old favorite by en vogue!


“fact of life, love can often hurt you. leaving scares on this life.” i actually don’t know what that last bit says because i can’t quite make it out but i will say that the first part is spot on! life is this crazy mix of all kinds of awesome and awful, miraculous and monstrosity, triumph and tragedy. you can be up one day enjoying the view from the top of the world and at the bottom the next with the world on top of you. things can change in the blink of an eye. it’s impossible to truly know what tomorrow brings. i used to spend a lot of time trying to plan tomorrow. thankfully i’ve learned to give that up. now, i just plan for tomorrow, no matter what it brings.

i make no secret of not being completely happy with how things have turned out in my life. overall things are great and i have little room to complain. but there are some very key areas that i saw going differently in my life plan. i just turned 32 and while i still look and feel fabulous, i was sure i’d be like many of my other friends and trading stories of what life was like before the kids came!

not only have the children not arrived, the husband has completely eluded me. it doesn’t quite make sense to me as i’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do if you want to get married. i look and dress the part, i stay busy and active, i’m healthy and financially secure and i get out there and meet people to increase my chances of connecting with a great man. so what’s the problem? i don’t know but i’m making it a point in the coming year to give it up and turn it loose. there is clearly no formula for success as people have found and lost love in all kinds of ways. my new motto is if i can’t control it, i can’t worry about it. i want to spend the next year of my life living worry free. it seems like a seriously daunting task as my nature as a planner includes worrying about things that lack a solution.

but no more. at least, i’m going to try to release my need to control and plan for it all.   i was somewhat successful at this in 2010. i want to take it to the next level in 2011. so, say it with me ladies; GIVE IT UP, TURN IT LOOSE!

i know how to make my dreams come true

there is a popular quote you might have heard that goes a little something like this, those who can, do .... i won't finish because i vehemently disagree with the second half of the quote. and basically it's unimportant. the point is that if you can, you do. if you can't, you don't. but how true is it?

right now i'm eager to make a few things happen in my life. and i keep hearing if you put it out there, it will come back to you. as if somehow me just wanting something to happen is going to make "the universe" conspire with me to make it happen. sounds a little too hocus pocus when you put it that way. but i believe there is some truth to it.

i am a christian. i don't apologize for it and i don't care to argue with anyone who disagrees with my belief that jesus christ is the son of God and the savior of the world. (yes superman totally ripped jesus' persona off, but i love him anyway!) as a christian i believe that my words are life giving and when i speak a thing, that word goes out and is accomplished. but there must be action on my part beyond speaking what i want. i have to do something to make it happen.

so as i think about the changes i want to see in my life, i make a plan to make my dreams come true. i know that it requires me to meet people and learn things and attend events and WORK! the universe doesn't care if i'm happy or unhappy. i have to make my own happiness. i have to go out and make my dreams come true. and the more i put it out there and back it up with action, the more likely it is to happen.

that is not to say things will always work out the way you want them to. on the contrary, a lot of things in my life have had completely different end results than i predicted. like me being single at 32! but that is the great thing about life. your story is being written until you take your last breath. and if you're lucky and lived right, your story is being told long after you're gone.

the year is quickly drawing to a close and i have to say there are some key steps i need to take to make my dream of advancing my career now a reality. i will be spending the next few weeks on the grind, so to speak, until i see the fruits of my labor. i'll be honest, i do know how to make my dreams come true, and right now, i'm about to get busy so you can see it happen!

birthday wish

tomorrow is my birthday and for the last five years i've had the same wish. i know they say if i tell you it won't come true so i'll give you a hint. it involves me spending the evening with a very special person and laughing and dancing and enjoying great food, conversation and company. you can probably guess what i've been wishing for! sadly each year that wish goes unanswered. not sure how i manage to not secure this particular event on my birthday but i will be honest and say the unfulfilled wish is getting old. i mean really!

i have once again made my wish and i hope it comes true. i'm closest to it happening this year than any year in recent history. it would be nice to actually get what i want for once. my friends and family always make sure i have a great birthday each year. but what my heart desires is something my friends can't give me and the absence of it has gotten harder to accept as the years pass.

popping the question is serious business

check out the whole comic here:
http://leighgallagherart.blogspot.com/2010/11/message-for-niki.html

a lot of women think about the moment when their honey dip will ask their hand in marriage. they fantasize and romanticize the moment in their minds and hope that he lives up to all their expectations. it's no wonder guys feel so much pressure about how to ask their lady to walk down the aisle.

the art of proposing has grown to new heights in our rapidly changing digital age. gone are the days of getting down on one knee at the park or slipping a ring in the dessert after a romantic dinner. no you have to get downright creative. and i don't mean asking for the ladies hand in marriage on the jumbotron at a sporting event or concert. i'm talking about programming a video game that asks for her hand in marriage. or crafting an elaborate web comic to pop the question.

i for one never gave it much thought. i'm a planner but believe that i need a non-planner to balance me out. i don't want the SITC charlotte proposal where she ends up popping the question herself. but it doesn't have to be a big production. i hope my honey takes clues from my personality and does something that fits who we are to each other. i'm more than a little geeky so comics and video games could be a part of it. so could cosplay. but really, any geeky reference will do. i've acknowledge that my journey to find love ends with me finding my 42. only a geek will understand the significance of that number. and it's my hope that my boo will understand the significance of personality when choosing how he asks me to spend the rest of my life loving him as his wife.

i don't think that's too much to ask for. do you?

let's get this show on the road

it's once again time to celebrate the glorious occasion of my birth. let me start by saying that i LOVE my birthday. i consider it to easily be the best day of  the year and it's a national holiday. score! because my birthday is toward the end of the year, i use it as an opportunity to reflect on what has happened in my life the current year and what i want to see happen in the coming year. yep, i get all introspective and stuff.

i enjoy doing internal check-ins with myself to make sure i'm staying on track with my goals, plans, dreams, etc. this year has been pretty interesting in all areas of my life. the area that seems to occupy the most thoughts, and is the theme of most of these posts, is my love life. i'm proud to say that it's not completely non-existent, but it's no where near what i was expecting for this year. i'm not fully disappointed but i'm far from happy/content with how things are looking. the year isn't over yet so we will see what happens. for now, just now i think it kind of sucks.

so looking to the coming year of life, as i get older and wiser, i expect things to be different. i know that a person who doesn't expect much won't be disappointed. so my expectation is always high that not only will my heart's desires be granted, they will also be exceeded. i'll be honest though, keeping hope alive isn't always easy. some days i get downright weary because i don't enjoy being single as much these days. i believe there is a season for it and my season is quickly drawing to a close.

let's hope i'm not on the wrong page this time because i'm ready for love. i'm ready to build a life with someone. i'm ready to get this show on the road!

my love life is still being written

most of us are familiar with the love formula presented in fairy tales. we grew up immersed in the culture of "girl in distress is rescued by handsome boy wonder who whisks her away from her problems to a beautiful castle where she is free to live happily ever after" that fairy tales promote. if i took a survey right now, i'm sure no one would describe their love story in quite those terms. actually, i doubt anyone's story would be even remotely close to the fairy tale.

my own personal love story has been disastrous!  i haven't fallen in and out of love more times than i can count. i haven't had my heart broken over and over again. i haven't had a parade of men in and out of my life. to the contrary, i've only loved two men, rarely dated in my adult life and only truly been heartbroken once. but it is the lack of a love life that leads me to label the whole thing disastrous. how many adult women do you know have dated so little? don't answer that. it might be more embarrassing for me than i want to acknowledge!

but i'm not completely discouraged by the state of my love life. i mean, yeah, i would prefer to have a social calendar that includes date nights and romantic dinners as well as late night movies and lots of tv watching and video game marathons, but it's not all gloom and doom. i've come to the conclusion that despite what things look like on a day to day level, my love story is still being written.

i'd love for it to skip to the juicy parts but i am nevertheless happy that it is still being crafted each day. i don't want a fairy tale ending. i just want to be loved by the man i love, work each day to protect and grow that love, raise a healthy and happy family together and be that old couple you see walking down the street holding hands. i guess that is kind of fairy tale-ish. we're led to believe that kind of love doesn't happen anymore. i'm banking that it does and when my love story is complete, you'll see it first hand!

teach me how to love

to say that love is hard is an understatement. it's a roller coaster of a ride that takes you to depth defying heights and gutter lows. it tests your resistance and resilience. it places you in positions that require a constant fight or flight reflex on a regular basis. love is work! and no wonder when so many of us never learned how to love.

we were never taught the importance of preferring someone over ourselves. we didn't learn to listen first and ask questions later. we weren't instructed in the art of being quick to forgive and repair what's broken. our lessons in love have fallen far short of the true compassion that is necessary for a relationship to be successful.

i realize i am guilty of not really knowing how to love. i know how to fall in love but i need to learn how to stay in love. because when stuff gets hard, and it will, the gushy stuff won't be enough. there will be days when the person i say i do to is the last person i want to see. how do you stay in love on those days? how do you push through the hard stuff to make sure your love lasts?

i don't think anyone wakes up saying they want to get divorced and yet we find it common place in our society. i don't want to be part of the brokenness. i want to be an example for the success of love. i want my love story to be forever. so, i'm taking time in my singleness to learn how to love.

i'm learning how to forgive and walk in compassion and exercise patience and pick my battles and chose peace over fighting.

i wonder how many others need to take up the walk. how many singles are interested in being taught how to love?

it's not you, it's me

i have come to the conclusion that i internalize way too much. when it comes to relationships, i tend to take a lot of responsibility for when things go wrong. i am very aware that i can be an "interesting" person to be in relationship with. just ask my family and friends! i imagine a romantic relationship would be in the same boat. i say imagine because, let's face it, i haven't had one to speak of so i'm going by the laws of common sense.

i have had a few friendships that ended badly over the years. actually, now that i think about it, it's really only been two friendships. both from college although one was undergrad and one was grad. i wonder where those ladies are and what they are up to from time to time but i don't think my life is necessarily missing something now that they are out of my life. but those two relationships taught me a thing or two about myself.

taking responsibility for one's actions is a cornerstone value of mine. maybe it's because i was raised in a single parent home by a mother who worked her ass off taking care of my brothers and i because my father just refused to take responsibility for his actions. a person who doesn't own up to what they have done gets no slack from me. so, when i mess up -- and i do on a regular -- i admit it. i believe that makes for a healthy me and a healthy relationship with others.

but there are times when i've taken responsibility for things that really weren't my doing. why? for the sake of keeping the peace? because i wanted to fix whatever was wrong? not really 100 percent sure why i do it but i'm willing to bet it has a lot to do with me thinking that i have so many flaws i have to be the cause of bad relationships.

the truth is, we are all flawed and just like i make mistakes, others do too. the other person might just as easily be the cause of the problem as i am. i know the saying, "it's not you it's me" has become a joke of sorts in the romantic relationship category but there is truth to it at times. sometimes the other person is just screwed up and no matter what you do, you can't overcome their issues. why automatically assume you're the one with the problem?

i am working on my issues on a regular basis. i happen to think i'm a good person and i would do anything for the people i love and care about. sometimes i hurt them unintentionally and sometimes i can be flat out bitchy when i don't want to be bothered. that definitely makes me human! yet, i've managed to cultivate amazing, lifelong friendships with amazing people. i guess it's part of the give and take of relationships. but some relationships are unhealthy or just not meant to be.

when you wake up and realize you are always taking responsibility for the things that go wrong in the relationship whether you are or not, or you give constantly and they take without end, it might be time for you to realize there is a problem. maybe they are right when they say, it's not you it's me.

you are the prototype

i recently had a guy friend ask me what kind of man i like. i know, you're thinking i laid out my list in great detail so he was clear about the exact kind of man i'm looking for, right? wrong. he asked the question and sadly i had no clear answer.

truth is, i'm still in the process of discovering what kind of man i want. i blame my lack of dating experience as the main culprit. but i also acknowledge that i'm still evolving as a woman and learning new things about myself. as i've gotten older i have come to realize some things aren't that big a deal to me and others are an absolute deal breaker!

at the heart of my man wish list are four simple things: love God, love me, love life, love people. but that can come in all kinds of packages! my friend's question made me realize i haven't decided on the packaging just yet. or at least, i thought i hadn't.

although my dating experience is limited, i've loved two men in my life. surprisingly, they are very similar. both are engineers, former marines, oldest children, patient, super geeky, funny, conversationalist and easy to be around. i know people say that we all have a "type" but until recently i didn't know i actually did.

i can say with complete honesty that both were hubby material to me, though i've no doubt i'd be happier with the most recent love interest. in fact, he's the one i was pretty sure was "the one". you know, the one you think was sent into your life because he was created just for you? okay, let's back up for a second. i don't believe in a soul mate by any means. i just wanted to make sure we were on the same page when i said "the one". honestly, i think the chemistry i have with him is stronger than any force i've ever felt with another human that i wasn't a, born related to or b, introduced to as a child.

i met him on a random night at a random event and i walked away saying to myself (don't laugh!!!) "i think i just met the man i'm going to marry!" it was crazy and irrational and insane. yet, that is exactly what i thought. so after all that has transpired between us, i sum up our relationship with the lyrics to a wonderful song by andre 3000.

i hope that you're the one but if not you're the prototype. if i don't spend the rest of my life with him -- and it's just as likely i won't as it is i will all things considered -- i can say with certainty i want someone like him. i want all the great things that make him so lovable as well as the chemistry that make him irresistible to me. so, if he can't be the one i spend the rest of my life loving, he can serve as the prototype!

what's right in front of you

have you ever heard someone say you can't see the forest for all the trees? it seems like an odd statement considering a forest is made up of trees but i guess what they are saying is that sometimes you focus on the individual components and ignore the big picture. i like to think i'm a big picture girl. i'm always looking down the road and thinking of how my actions today will determine my future. i guess you could say i'm stuck on seeing the forest while ignoring the individual trees.

i can't say which is better since i'm sure there is a lovely colloquialism that says the exact opposite and therefore proving the dominance of neither saying. but i do wonder, is it bad to always see the big picture. should you spend some moments enjoying the view of each tree? what value is gained from being able to see what is right in front of you?

my friends have been trying to get me to meet new guys since my "relationship" with my last interest didn't pan out. they insist there are great men out there just waiting to meet me. in actuality, i can't argue with that statement completely. yes, there are many men available in the area and yes some of them are actually looking for someone, but it all falls apart when it comes to the meeting process. is it because i fail to see what is right in front of me? are there decent guys in my life right now who are showing interest but i have yet to realize it?

i'm inclined to say no. of course i would notice if someone was trying to get my attention, right? i might be guilty of not sharing their interest but i'm not completely clueless. or at least i'd like to think i'm not clueless. i guess that remains to be seen.

come by accident, stay on purpose

i was trolling my facebook news feed when i read my cousin's status. it was intriguing enough to make me pause and think - is that was really what love should be? i know you're wondering what her status said so i'll share: i want a person who comes into my life by accident and stays on purpose.

not astrophysicist stuff but it's pretty profound to me. i guess because i'm always hearing people say i found love when i was least expecting it. which, by the way, sounds ridiculous to me because i don't ever go through a day without a level of expectation for the things i want. but maybe what they really mean is they expected love to find them, they just weren't actively seeking it. makes more sense to me and we'll just say that's what they really mean.

so, back to my cousin's statement. are we all really just going through life like ships passing each other in the night and hoping for chance encounters that bring that special someone into our lives? do we want someone to "accidentally" enter our space and discover by happenstance they are exactly what we've been expecting without expecting it forever?

i like to think i'm an intentional person. i intentionally get out to meet and mingle with people. i intentionally engage others in conversation. i intentionally cultivate relationships with people. is it possible that i've been doing things wrong all along? chances are things aren't stacked against me as there isn't anything wrong with being intentional. but i've had a few chance encounters with people who have added greatly to my life whether short-term or long-term. and there are others who have become a part of my life in a way i can only describe as fate. they were supposed to be there. i can't say at this time which is better: accidental encounter or kismet encounters.

either way, i have to agree that i want someone in my life who chooses to stay on purpose. particularly when we're discussing love. i don't want to love someone who doesn't want to be there. i want my love story to be a lifetime of love rather than the starter marriage type stuff that plaques society today.

however, he comes into my life, i just want him to love me on my good days, my bad days, my pretty days, my ugly days and all the days in-between.

stuck in the middle

i can use any number of words and phrases to describe precisely how i am feeling at this moment but only need four words to do the trick. i am completely and totally stuck in the middle. i can't say with any degree of certainty what the middle consist of but i can guarantee you i'm stuck there. and quite miserable about it.

i've lived in seattle for two years and love it. the place holds a kind of magic for me because it's the first place i've ever felt at home. i know that sounds crazy coming from a black girl born and raised in kansas city missouri - the heart of the country. yet, it's true. seattle gets me. i don't have to be anybody or anything other than myself. i can fly my geek flag with pride and reckless abandon because i'm surrounded by other geeks who do the same. i'm an avid outdoor girl and nature is proudly on display in all of its majestic splendor here. sometimes i cry as i look around and take it all in.

but there are some things in my life that are missing. this list is in no particular order: family, fulfilling career and love. i am really far away from my family. sure i've made friends that i like to think are close to family but the truth is they don't quite fill that void. some days, i don't feel like i receive from them as much as i give. it doesn't make them bad people at all, or bad friends for that matter. it is just apparent that we don't meet each others needs the same way. i'm always available to talk and help in any way i can but it seems like many of my friends are in places in their life where they need more than they can give. as a giver, i'm always down to do my part. but some days i need to be poured into and i'm not sure i've found a place for that just yet.

my career is really the heart of my stuckness. i've been working in my field for 8 years and i love what i do. technology and communications are my passions and how awesome is it that you get to work in the field that gives you such passion and pleasure? the problem lies in the fact that i'm not advancing right now. in fact, i'm rather bored. i'm not being challenged or engaged and it makes getting through my day to day as bad as watching paint dry. it just seems to suck all life right out of me. i've been trying to find ways to get excited and new projects to pitch but after two years of that, the well has run dry. i need change like i need air to breathe.

the love department is a huge conundrum of bad timing. i can't seem to get the timing thing right. i've met a man that i absolutely adore. and he has admitted to caring about me but he's not in a place where he can act on that right now. in my mind that amounts to nothingness. the admission of having feelings and caring means nothing. might as well have remained unsaid as far as i'm concerned. but it leaves me wondering, how do i manage to suck at love? it just shouldn't be this hard. you should be able to meet someone and connect with them and it should happen organically. but it doesn't seem to work that way and i'm exhausted by the prospects of more years of being stuck. i just want it to happen already!

i'm not all out frustrated with my life. there are some great things going on in my world that i wouldn't trade. but there are some key elements that seem stuck in limbo and i'm not sure what my plan of action should be to fix them. see, i'm a planner and i like having a plan. i also like to solve problems because i enjoy the challenge and the reward of knowing i fixed something that was broken. i just find it ironic that sometimes i lack the insight/clarity to fix the problems that hit home. i have no idea how to get unstuck and it's starting to bum me out. to quote the late great michael jackson, i'm stuck in the middle. can i get a little help here?

i knew i loved you before i met you

a lot of people are in love with the idea of being in love. i get it. love is like magical fairy dust that makes everything brighter, lovelier, more enjoyable. but i know that love can also make you miserable and angry. why? because when you love someone you love their good and their bad. or, at least you love their good while accepting their bad. the trade-off is supposed to be worth it in the end.

i won't argue with that. the right person can add so much to your life in positive ways that you can get through the hard times without walking away. i can only speak for myself but i have come to realize that i too am in love with an idea of the person i want. this man already has the key to my heart and only needs to materialize to unlock it. who is he?

i don't actually know who he is. i mean, i thought i did but you know, we can be wrong. but i'm waiting, patiently as i can, for the man that gets me. who understands that i'm not like other women. i like to be sexy but not really into the girlie thing. i enjoy sports and prefer action and scifi and cosplay for comic cons and read comic books and love to play video games. i volunteer all the time because giving back to my community is one of the most important things to me. i can grow my own food or catch it and cook it and keep a house. i read and write and dance and paint and live for time outdoors. i'm far more sensitive than people realize and my feelings do get hurt even if i don't show it.

i'm strong but want to be taken care of. i plan religiously but can enjoy being in the moment with the person that has my heart. i love to laugh and enjoy everything about life. i can appreciate the simple things and spending quality time together goes much farther than showering me with gifts. i'm fiercely loyal and even when i get angry i don't stay that way long. i'm quick to forgive and believe that walking in compassion and love is the best way for me to reflect my faith and belief in Christ. i know a lot but realize i don't have all the answers. i'm a natural cheerleader and no one will believe in you more than me. but most important, i want a love that lasts forever -- through good and bad, sickness and health, ups and downs, rich or poor. i have no desire to walk away and need that same commitment.

empty handed and frustrated

this year i made a decision to be open to love. it's a simple thing to say but trust me it's no easy feat. we have a lot of things that interfere with our ability to be open to love. past relationships, past hurts, internal fears and lies, insecurities and sometimes just the obstacles of life can prevent us from being open. but i managed to be open to love and in seven months i have fallen in love and had my heart broken.

that wasn't exactly how i saw things going when i decided to be open to love back in december of 09. at 31, i felt like it was time for the "magic" to actually happen. i've certainly watched enough people my age and younger find what i desperately wanted. nothing could have convinced me back then that i wouldn't be successful. but alas, i'm seven months into the year, heading into the eighth month and still without love.

i did manage to find a wonderful man who was a great match for me. we shared the same vision, mission, passion and interests. not that we were clones of each other, but i could certainly be myself and he seemed to be attracted to all of that. it didn't happen right away. i mean, i certainly felt something -- not quite sure what to call it -- the night we met. i walked away feeling like i had just met someone i wanted to be in my life. but we went out, hung out and got to know each other. he made me laugh, he danced with me, he engaged my mind and i genuinely enjoyed being in his company.

it wasn't all roses by any means, but i was happy. i'm a generally happy person and i love life, being with him added to that. several people told me i was glowing and that i seemed happier. but in the end he broke my heart. after seven months of getting to know him and spending time with him, i walk away empty handed. i have mixed emotions about that. i don't regret being open. but i'm seriously tired of being empty handed.

that is my frustration with the process of "finding" love. everyone tells you it's out there and you want to believe that it is because of course there is someone who will add to your life and love you the way you love them. we weren't created to be alone and as a christian, i've always believed that i had a helpmate out there somewhere. i don't believe in one perfect soul mate but i do believe that it's rare to find someone that "gets" you the way he seemed to get me. it's disappointing and frustrating and the ultimate suckage. i thought he was my 42. (if you're not a geek, i'm sorry. i pity you and i advise you to look up the reference as i won't be educating you at this time.)

he wants to be my friend. why? because, in his words, i'm an awesome person and he enjoys being around me. of course i'm awesome! you aren't telling me anything i don't already know. but my question is why should i allow you access to me as a friend? i'm not of the belief that women and men can't be friends, but why would i want to continue to hang out with someone whom i found plenty of reasons to love but he doesn't seem able to say the same? doesn't sound like grounds for a good friendship. besides, i didn't date him for his friendship. i dated him because i thought we could have more than friendship. i was wrong.

so now i have 4 months left in this year (since august is a few days away) and i wonder if i'll be successful at achieving my goal. in a sense i was open to love and i managed to fall in love. but he didn't love me back and that amounts to failure. a lot can happen in a year and since the year isn't over maybe there are great things in store for me. i hope so because i'm seriously tired of being empty handed when it comes to love. why is it so hard?

somthings are worth the risk

i like to joke that i'm a cautious adventurer. i enjoy the thrill of discovering new things and exploring new worlds but i'm extremely calculated in the adventures i seek. i'm a risk taker to an extent and then i revert to the safety and comfort of a plan. i am a planner and i'll always be a planner. but i'm learning that somethings in life are worth the risk.

life is full of all kinds of opportunity and you really never know what you're going to get. sometimes things work out just fine for you and other times it ends less than favorably. sometimes you experience great success and other times you have to trudge forward through defeat. but at the end of the day, the life worth living is the one actually lived. and what is life without risks?

people always say no pain no gain, but it's pretty much the truth. you risk getting hurt if you open your heart to love. you risk getting rejected if you go for that dream job. you risk failing if you try something that has never been done before. but there are lessons to be learned through it all and if you ask me, gaining life experience and becoming self-aware is far more valuable than the average person realizes.

focus on what's important

i have strong opinions about what my life should look like from year to year. it has been hard at times to swollen the bitter pill of reality when things don't quite measure up to the vision in my head. when i feel like i've fallen short, i have a hard to focusing on the things that are truly important. thankfully, God reminded me to get back to business.

if you read my sporadic posts (i make no apologies for not posting regularly) you know i've talked opening about finding and falling in love. i've also talked about it not going quite as planned and picking up the pieces and moving on. i haven't talked much about reconciling the disappointment of not hitting the mile marker that i set with the reality that most things in life can't be planned.

i'm a work in progress but i am beginning to accept that not only is life messy, it's unpredictable and requires understanding, flexibility and ingenuity to survive. and survival looks different for each of us. some of us just want to keep our heads above water. some of us want to float in the waves. some of us want to soar above it all. me? i just want to continue to intentionally live life like it matters - i matter, my actions matter, my legacy matters.

that requires me to focus on what's important. for me, loving God's people is important. i hate to see people hurting and it blesses my heart to be able to help those around me in need. i don't have to know you, i just have to know God and accept that His greatest commandments were to love and serve Him and love and serve His people. if i can keep myself focused on that reality, i can stop comparing myself to others and the fantasy of what i always expected my life to be like at this stage.

i'm very happy with who i am and where i am but i can't deny that i fully expected to be married with children by now. i'm not even close. but life so far has been a wild ride that i would not change. i've loved, lost, laughed, lounged, listened and longed for things. but at the end of the day i've lived. i don't ever want to stop living. and part of the process is to focus on what's important.

sometimes i get a little crazy

my life has been a little on the interesting side lately. honestly, the past month and a half has kicked my tail and ways i don't even want to begin to describe. and it's kept me away from writing because i needed to process and realign some things. actually, i have been writing, i just haven't been sharing. and you know what they say, "sharing is caring."

i've learned a few new things about the process of falling in love. the wrestling with the fears that keep your guard up; the back and forth conversation you have with yourself about whether or not your feelings are real; the up and down battle with doubt that you're in it alone or imagining things. i'm telling you, it can be a doozy. my emotions have probably run the entire spectrum of euphoric nirvana to can't eat heartbreak. it's enough to make a sane person feel a little less sane.

but at the end of the day i've come to realize that "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is a true statement. the joys and pains of it all can teach you so much about yourself and life in general. it's a journey and sometimes it works out in your favor, sometimes it doesn't. either way, i know i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! and for the record, i'm definitely in love. hehehehe

i'll be free to love you somewhere

wow. i am so amazed by what falling in love can do to a person! the giddy laughter, lightness of heart, pure joy and excitement at the prospect of seeing the person. it's all laughable when you think about it. yet, the feelings are so intense that people actually fall in love with the idea of being in love! i never understood before. i've been in love. once. it ended badly. we won't walk down that road. but nothing about that experience made me in a hurry to relive it.

yet here i am asking God and the universe to send me love that knocks me off my feet. and you know what? it's a pretty amazing feeling. who knew? well, i guess hollywood since they keep selling us the idea of kismet love in romcom after romcom. and then there are the fairytales who knew about the power of love. the point is that until now, i never did. the funny thing is that despite it ending badly the last go around, i have no fear about experiencing it now. it really can end horribly! i could end up crying my eyes out for weeks or months. i could be so distraught that i stop eating. i could spend an entire year reliving the experience. but even knowing that doesn't change my desire to fall in love. it might be dumb to admit this in a public forum but i'm already there. you can be witnesses to the fact that i am definitely in love. kind of seems like a roller coaster if you read the previous posts but i decided to stop letting the fear of rejection and unrequited love keep me from admitting my feelings now.

he might not be the one for me but trust me when i say i'm enjoying every bit of the time we spend together right now. he makes me laugh. we have great conversation. we have enough in common to spend a lifetime enjoying. we share a world view. we dream in a like manner. and we want a lot of the same things. i'm happy when we're together and i miss his smile and his voice when we're a part. i'd say i probably have it pretty bad. but i'm not ashamed of it anymore. in fact i'm enjoying it completely. and what's the crime in that?

love her like she wants to be loved

i happily purchased the new vivian green cd today. it's called beautiful and i have to say the title song is in fact beautiful. the girl has so much talent and i've been a fan since day one. let her make her way to seattle for a show and i guarantee that i'll be in the audience vibing with my girl. but the reason of this post is the lyrics to the song beautiful. she says something about loving her like she wants to be loved. wow. what a concept. to not only know how you want to be loved but to actually have someone love you that way!!!!

i don't know how i want to be loved to be honest. i want to be loved for who i am and not who i can become. i want to be loved inspite of my flaws and shortcomings. i want to be loved completely by the man that i love back. it doesn't seem like too much to ask and yet most people seem to find the process of finding love difficult. i'm in that category. i haven't found love though i'm actively pursuing it. but when i find it, i hope i have a clear understanding of how i want to be loved and that i'm able to communicate that. and i hope that my guy can say that i love him the way he wants to be loved as well. it is a two way street afterall.

hitting the bottom

the thing about falling is that at some point you reach the bottom. if you have ever fallen before you know that the landing can break you. i took a spill on my roller blades last summer and broke my arm. it hurt like hell! thankfully i had drugs to manage the pain while i recovered. i haven't been back on my roller blades since that day. honestly, i'm a little afraid of falling again.

for me, falling in love is a lot like that spill i took on my roller blades. i was coasting along just fine enjoying the feel of the wind in my hair and the fresh air against my face. then out of no where i lost my balance and crashed to the ground. when i finally picked myself up i was broken and in pain.

it's not that i was in love but it was definitely moving in that direction. but the dtr (define the relationship) conversation didn't really go as planned. his words were just like that damn rock that got caught in my wheels and brought me crashing to the ground. i won't repeat them here because, well, this is a public forum and i'm talking about a private pain. and unlike when i broke my arm, i don't have a pill i can take to make it hurt less. i get the wonderful privilege of feeling every single bit of hurt that comes with the realization that you and the person you were seeing are not on the same page.

of course i'm in good company as many people find themselves in this same spot. it doesn't make it suck any less. the icing on the cake is that yet again, i got to hear the words, "i think you're amazing and i want to keep being friends." right. because everyone woman is dating a guy so they can just be friends. yep. falling can really suck. but i don't regret one minute of it. while i have yet to strap on my roller blades after taking a fall, i refuse to stay out of the love game just because i got hurt. some people are happy to spend the rest of their lives alone. i'm not one of those people. i thought he was a great fit for me. and maybe he was. but it didn't work out so i strap up and get back out there.

the right guy for me is out there and he's going to be ready for love and all that it brings. i just wish the search was not as difficult as it's proven to be over the years.

catch me catch me i'm falling

i am terrible at navigating girl culture when it comes to boys. i flirt just fine. i dislike the giggly, googly eyed, gushy stuff that comes with crushing though. never got into that. imagine my surprise as i find myself falling for someone and feeling those exact things!

it's not fair really. i've managed to go my entire life without fawning foolishly over someone. sure i've had love interests and even fallen for someone before but i never acted like a school girl. so what is it about this man that has me acting out the school girl crush phase that i triumphantly avoided when i was a school girl?

to my credit i'm not going around writing my first name with his last name. i don't write both of our names inside a lop-sided heart. i'm definitely not planning out our futures and naming our children. that's exactly the kind of disturbed thing i couldn't roll with when i was younger. i do find myself smiling when i think about him. i've been listening to sappy love songs that i always ignored before. i even wrote a few short stories about us. seriously? i would totally make fun of me if it weren't me!

again i say it's not fair. my teenage niece told me i was crushing on him. i tried to explain to her that grown folk don't crush and i most certainly don't crush. she laughed at me and said, "oh auntie, you're definitely crushing on him!" she then proceeded to sing the sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g song. it's not that level trust me. but i can admit with complete assurance that i'm falling for him and i'm okay with that.

Pain is inevitable

Pain is the inevitability of love. If you open your heart to someone, it is a huge possibility that it will be broken. That's just how it works. It sucks and the pain can really hurt deep and for a while, but it's part of the process. Trust me, I know a thing or two about it.

To be fair, my heart was only broken once. Since I've only been in love once, I think it balances out. Someone wise said that marriage is the closest thing to heaven and the closest thing to hell you will ever experience. I don't know for sure if that's true but I can imagine that being that close to someone could be a little like heaven and hell wrapped into one big messy ball of gush. Why are people in such a rush to walk down the aisle again?

Don't get me wrong, I want to get married and have that heaven/hell experience with the person that floats my boat just right. I just realize that I've never been in love with being in love. I don't want the romanticized version of it. I don't want the fairytale happy ending crap that is shoved down our throats. I deal in reality and it's a cold, cruel world out there waiting to shatter the fantasy of love and replace it with what it's really like to live with someone 24/7 and become one with them. It's not easy and everyone who thinks it is, is kidding themselves.

I am a product of divorce and that has always colored my views on marriage. I understand why my parents didn't stay together and I completely agree with the decision. I don't want the same thing for my family. My childhood was traumatic. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So I approach love with my eyes wide open. I'm not wearing rose colored glasses. I'm not dreaming of a knight coming to whisk me away. I'm not dreaming of finding the one person in the entire universe who makes me feel complete. Life is not a fantasy.

I want someone who loves me whether I'm having a good day or not. I want someone who can live with all my flaws and imperfections and love me in spite of that. It's not easy to find that kind of love. It's not easy to reciprocate that kind of love. But when you find it, that's what's real. You might get hurt in the process of searching for it, but when you find it, I hope you have more heaven than hell. And I hope you find new reasons each day to hold on to it forever.

Revising "The List"

I live in beautiful and rainy Seattle. It is a metropolitan of contradictions. We have the most beautiful natural scenery but it's hidden behind fog and clouds most of the year. We are home to some of the most caffeinated people on the planet but we boast high levels of depression. There is always some festival, art show, concert or sporting event going on but it is possible to live here for years without making a connection with people. There are a number of good looking, educated black men here yet dating is long suffering. You get my point by now, so I will move on. This post is about the contradiction of having an eligible pool of black men to date and still not meeting anyone.

You ladies know dating does not rank high on my list of activities. For those of you who thought that might change with the new year, let me assure you it has not! I still loathe the process. More than the process of dating, I sincerely hate creating "the list." Yes, you know what I mean. The list of attributes, accomplishments and assets that we think guarantees a match made in heaven.

When I think of the list I created for my ideal mate many moons ago, I break out in hysterical laughter. It included height (I'm short so I wanted some one tall to give my children a chance), skin tone ( I love my chocolate brothers), athletic build (I'm a former cheerleader and I enjoy physical activity), well groomed (that requires no explanation) and a few other items that rarely ventured passed physical attraction.

As I matured I added things like enjoys movies, likes to cook, has a sense of humor, wants to travel, can enjoy great conversation and appreciate silence. My tastes went from being purely physical to include a number of personality traits. I would take my list out and edit it each year in hopes that the latest revision brought me closer to meeting my Mr. Right.

Once I started understanding my identity in Christ, I added some more spiritual sounding things such as, must love God, enjoys spending time in the Word, goes to church regularly. You know the routine. Before too long, I had a lengthy list of things I wanted in a man and began to pray over it just like I was taught at church. A funny thing happened. I knew a man who matched my checklist almost to the dime. We grew up together and no one could tell me I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with him. But, he didn't choose me. In my mind it didn't make sense because he was my list. Everything I had been taught said that once I found the things on my list it would work out.

I spent many nights crying, of course, and wondering what went wrong. Did I not match his list? Did I not add enough of the right things to my list? Did I fail to pray hard enough over my list? It was madness! After a few years of swearing off love and deciding to open my heart to it again, I have learned a few things. Checking items off your list does not guarantee relationship success. It can be a good starting point, I guess, but you need to have the right things on the list for it to matter in the first place.

For instance, many women want a man with a good job, education, his own home, etc. I know a few men in that category and they have no interest in having a relationship right now. So when women meet them, they are disappointed the happily ever after doesn't follow. Maybe they should have added "ready for a relationship" to the list!

I no longer have a list. Or, I should say not your typical list. I do have standards and expectations, as should everyone looking to trust someone else with their heart. It's just, my current list looks nothing like the previous versions. I have four simple requirements and I will not yield on any of them. They represent the core of who I am and a person who doesn't fit those four requirements can't possibly be good for me. Okay, I know you want to know. Here it is:

1. Loves God with his whole heart
2. Loves me like Christ loves the church
3. Loves life completely
4. Loves people deeply

That's it. If those four things are in place I believe we can have something to build on for years to come. So, what does your list look like? How has it changed over the years? I would love for you ladies to share with our readers. We're all single and in the same boat, so let's get through this thing together!