i don't usually do this but ...

i was spending some time masterminding tonight and realized i have too many websites! i have this blog as my personal journal. from the lack of entries within the last 2 years, you can guess i don't spend much time journaling. it hasn't always been that way though. i used to journal all the time. i'm a writer. i have to keep telling myself that because it's important that it sink in. i am a writer. my hearts desire is to write. a writer cannot be lazy and a writer at the same time. i must write. ah. got that off my chest. but i also have a lifestyle blog that focuses on my journeys and adventures in my city. and i have a blog for my business which has also been neglected the last five years. ugh. lastly, i got the brilliant idea to go on a gratitude journey with the world. and by the world i mean no one because i never posted once on that blog. i own the domain and i even customized the template. but that's as far as i got. i have too much to distract me. i have suffered for too long from a lack of diligence. it is horrible because i know god calls me to be the opposite of diligent. not sure what that is actually, but i'm guessing productive is in the mix. probably creative and stewardship as well. i have fallen short. shorter than short really. so much not happening that should be happening.

i don't want to be like everyone else and make a list of things to do this year differently so i move forward. mostly because those lists are all about trying to do things. yoda told us there is do or do not. there is no try. let that sink in. yep. i must write. i must get organized and i must do something productive and lucrative with this talent. i am talented. i am a very good writer. even my musings are intelligible. hehe. i'm not modest as you can tell. but i have been lazy. i will not be lazy anymore. so i need to figure out what exactly i want to do with all of my web properties. this blog might get the ax so i can focus on the other things. it's been a good run to be sure. i released some very powerful things on this blog. but alas, life has moved on and so have i. i'll spend some time thinking about how to make it all work. in the mean time, i'll get back to working on my master plan.

You always want what you don't have

Aw those were the words my dear cousin spoke to me when we discussed marriage. She asked me how do you know you want to be married? I should have asked her how did she know when she decided to get married a decade ago but I didn't. I didn't say anything because I was shocked that my "happily" married cousin couldn't understand why her 33 year old single cousin would want to be married. And then she further Insulted me by saying marriage is work. No shit Sherlock. If it were easy I doubt the divorce rate would be 50%! She also said I need to do first things first and how could I talk about marriage and a family when I wasn't in a relationship. "you need to get to know someone first before you start talking marriage.". Oh really? I thought I could go pick someone out at the husband store and have a happy ending.

I'm still kind of angry with her for that conversation. And I'm angry with my other cousin for shitting on my personal preferences and beliefs and I'm angry at my brother for saying I don't know why you bother arguing with her as if I somehow did something to deserve this attack on my desire for love, marriage and family. I chose not to say anything because I was tired of all the damn arguing. My family was supposed to be coming to visit and have a good time. Instead I am left hurt and with no desire whatsoever to see or talk to them any time soon. I haven't forgiven them for being so rude and hurtful. Those things they said really hurt because my one desire above all else is to have someone to share my life with - to build a family with and grow old with. And to say I obviously don't want it because I don't choose their way!!! It's insane. We are not the same. The way she runs her house is completely at odds with how I run mine. I would never marry a man I couldn't worship with and there is no way in hell I'd raise an agnostic child and be okay with it. But I didn't call her a bad mother or wife. Because that's her choice and she can do whatever she wants in her house.

As I lie awake at 2am still crushed from that conversation and those words I realize I should have said something. I don't know what it is about me that keeps me from saying when someone's words have hurt me. I tend to just let it slide and move on. But the truth is moving on takes a while. I'm awake hurt by what happened and they probably haven't even thought about it again. They certainly aren't welcome back in my house but it will take some time before I welcome them back in my life.

And I have to find a healthy way to express myself without being hateful. That was the problem in the past. I didn't know how to fight back without doing real damage. I want to fight fair. I don't want to destroy people just because I'm angry. But saying nothing isn't working. Not sleeping isn't working.

It's so crazy because I was so excited to see them. After 4 years of living here my cousins were finally coming. This was not the experience that I wanted. We had some good moments but those moments aren't keeping me up at night. I guess I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.

a study in diligence

a few weeks ago god gave me three words during prayer time with my sisters. i thought about them and said a prayer and quickly forgot them. they kept coming up in conversation, but honestly i didn't heed the importance god was placing on these words. and then my sister told me about her study of the words and i felt convicted. god gave the words for a reason. i was being disobedient!

i'm typically a compliant child. i do complain and groan sometimes but in the end i tend to obey. sometimes i obey without complaining. i want to be more obedient - i'm a work in progress. i think my failure to obey sometimes comes from a place of not accepting what god is saying. i know i'm not alone in that. sometimes i just don't want to hear what god is telling me. i don't want "that" to be my story so i just tune him out. the result is frustration and anger on my part and in the end, i obey. sigh.

that is exactly what's happening now. i'm so not happy with the chapter my life story is in right now and i rebel. i know god has a purpose and plan and it will bring me the ultimate good. i don't always want to go through the process to get to the ultimate good. i rebel against the process. and that brings me to one of the three words god spoke to me. they all start with a "d". the first word is diligent.

i'll let that sink in for a second. diligent is a heavy word. it's an adjective that describes something. god wants us to be diligent workers, diligent daughters and sons, diligent parents, diligent witnesses. diligent.

since i'm now being obedient, i did a little research on the word diligent. the definition is kind of dope. or maybe that's the wordsmith in me coming out.

diligent - characterized by steady, earnest and energetic effort; marked by persevering, painstaking effort; having or showing care and conscientiousness in one's work or duties.

the first take away is that diligence doesn't come overnight. you don't just do something once and become diligent. it's a constant act, and it's intentional. it also shows a level of importance and pride in what you do. you're putting forth your best.

so, i had my definition. next i needed to have some scripture to find out what god was saying when he gave me that word. (you know, other than i had become lazy and complacent.)

i did a quick online search of diligent in the bible and talk about having your socks knocked off. when god talks about being diligent in the bible, it's almost always connected to obedience and blessings. when we are diligent in obeying his commandments - to love and honor him with our lives - he is faithful to bless us with abundance.

he says it over and over and over. if i am diligent in service to god, he is diligent in providing for me. and not just for me, but all those i am connected to. he will bless me to bless all those i come into contact with.

let me just say this is juicy stuff! and this is just the first word! i have two more "d" words to go before i fully comprehend what god was saying to me two weeks ago during prayer.

i am so far from having all the answers. i don't actually seek to have all the answers. but i do seek after god and his purpose and plan for me. i do seek to be pleasing to god. i know i fall short but he's faithful and just to forgive me each and every time.

as i continue to study out what god is saying through the word diligent, i commit to make that adjective an accurate description of me!

i am diligent. and i'll keep confessing it until it is a true reflection of me. i am a diligent writer. i am a diligent wife. i am a diligent mother. i am a diligent daughter. i am a diligent worker. i am a diligent friend. i am a diligent believer. i am diligent.

today i wanted to scream

i would scream if i thought it would make a difference. today, i just broke down. it came out of nowhere and was a reminder of how incredibly tired i am of this. i'm not complaining. i'm not angry. but i'm tired.

i want to scream because i wonder if maybe god just doesn't hear me. i think about hopping in my car and driving to some remote parking lot and just letting go. the idea makes me feel better. i'm not sure the actual act would. i don't think not hearing me is the problem.

today i was just overwhelmed with the sheer pain of it all. and i wondered if maybe god wasn't able to feel my pain. could he possibly understand how much i hurt to be this alone? to feel such a huge void in your heart that you know was created to be shared and filled by someone important?

i wondered if he understood how scared i was that this would be my reality forever. i've had a few conversations with people under 30 lately who have taken small jabs. maybe they didn't realize they were making jabs. but one said if you're over 30 and still single, maybe it's you. i'm sure screaming then definitely wouldn't have helped. only made me look crazy - like something is wrong. nothing is wrong with me. or the  other women i know waiting and seeking love.

i can't speak for them. but i'm tired. i didn't do anything wrong. i didn't put career before love. i didn't isolate myself and give off a "fuck you" attitude. i didn't belittle the men around me and make them feel worthless. and yet, i'm over 30 and still waiting.

today i just broke down. i was minding my own business washing my hair and it crept up, from deep inside my soul. that pain that i soothe and quiet by quoting scriptures and making affirmations and speaking faith. but today, that wasn't enough. today the pain was overwhelming and i couldn't keep it from boiling to the surface. today i wanted to scream because i wanted to make sure god heard me and understood how much i hurt. how tired i am. how much i desire to NOT live like this.

i know he hears. i just wonder when he's going to answer. when is the waiting going to stop? a scripture isn't enough. an affirmation isn't enough. a story about holding on isn't enough. i'm just so tired.

searching for balance in a high octane world

i have been working on this document for the last two hours and i've only gotten a page done. there is so much going on in my head and i have all these ideas. right now, i'm having trouble getting them down on paper. i need to turn this document in tomorrow and i'm getting tired. this needs to be good. i feel so much pressure to knock everything out of the ballpark because i know my organization has high expectations. i don't always feel like i live up to those expectations. it's hard finding a balance. you cannot run on high octane forever.

i'm giving myself another hour to knock this project out and then i'm heading to bed. whatever isn't done will have to be completed tomorrow. let's just hope i get it done tonight! i'd really like to check it off my list!

what makes me so special

i think i stress how much i hate dating on a semi regular basis just to make sure people understand how awful i find dating. then i decided to change my language because if i know nothing else, i know our words are powerful and they bring life or death. to say i hate dating means i expect death. i now say i'm enjoying dating. well, that's probably a stretch. i'm enjoying getting to know people. that's more accurate.

getting to know someone means finding all the ways in which they are special and discovering all the areas they aren't. it means learning to be okay with those not so pleasant areas if you find yourself captivated by the good. let's face it. no one is perfect. as much as we try, we kind of suck sometimes.

i'm in the process of getting to know someone. for all intents and purposes he seemed promising. i was looking forward to getting to know what makes him special. my annoyance came in when he didn't seem to enjoy the thrill of discovery as much as me. honestly, he just seemed ready to get me in bed. i ain't never been that type. so this was a huge let down.

so i flipped the script on him and asked what made me so special that he wanted to get to know me that way. his answer was -- i cringe even now just thinking about it -- another let down. he likes what i presented. but don't we all tend to put our best foot forward when getting to know someone? shouldn't you be interested in digging beyond the surface to discover what a person's true character is?

we're all icebergs. the majority of our mass is hidden beneath the surface. the ultra cool parts, the truly ugly parts, the succulent sweet parts and the face-squenching bitter parts all lie beneath the surface. waiting to be explored. waiting to be discovered. i wanted him to be interested in discovering my character before he was interested in exploring my body.

the truly sad part was the comment that my belief in valuing myself as a gift worthy of cherishing somehow meant i was both unrealistic and unable to enjoy life. he is flawed in his thinking. my extremely full and active and joyous life is witness to my total enjoyment of all life has to offer.

they say the average couple has sex after only 3 dates. i'm not average. i'm exceptional. and i'm not alone. the only difference between other women and me is i know i'm exceptional. maybe no one has told them yet. i would like to be the one that tells you - yes you! you are indeed exceptional, valuable, beautiful, worthy to be cherished, special. let the next man that enters your life spend time discovering your character before he explores your body. he just might be the last man to get a first kiss from you. now wouldn't that be special!

The most natural thing in the world

I'm talking to my sisters on the phone and laughing at one who keeps threatening my life if I don't get my writing life right. I laugh because I can't argue with her. She's right. I do need to get it together. I am the lazy servant who buries her talent in the ground hidden and safe but not benefiting anyone or myself. Hidden and wasted from the world it was designed to bring joy and healing to. I know it. I've always known it. Tonight I laughed because I got chastised by my sister who only wants the best for me. I laugh because I have challenged her on things where her own hardheadedness blocked gods blessings. And now it's my turn.

I asked another sister as this conversation unfolded why she was blocked from writing. She mentioned being exposed. I thought about that. Am I afraid of being exposed and open? Actually no. I vowed to be open and transparent. I try to own all of my experience as it's a part of me. I'm not afraid of feeling exposed. Im not sure what the real deal is but I'm going to spend time figuring it out. Why do I avoid writing when it's the most natural thing in the world for me? I need find the answer to that question.

I'm looking forward to discovering the story that is first on the list. There are so many!