You always want what you don't have

Aw those were the words my dear cousin spoke to me when we discussed marriage. She asked me how do you know you want to be married? I should have asked her how did she know when she decided to get married a decade ago but I didn't. I didn't say anything because I was shocked that my "happily" married cousin couldn't understand why her 33 year old single cousin would want to be married. And then she further Insulted me by saying marriage is work. No shit Sherlock. If it were easy I doubt the divorce rate would be 50%! She also said I need to do first things first and how could I talk about marriage and a family when I wasn't in a relationship. "you need to get to know someone first before you start talking marriage.". Oh really? I thought I could go pick someone out at the husband store and have a happy ending.

I'm still kind of angry with her for that conversation. And I'm angry with my other cousin for shitting on my personal preferences and beliefs and I'm angry at my brother for saying I don't know why you bother arguing with her as if I somehow did something to deserve this attack on my desire for love, marriage and family. I chose not to say anything because I was tired of all the damn arguing. My family was supposed to be coming to visit and have a good time. Instead I am left hurt and with no desire whatsoever to see or talk to them any time soon. I haven't forgiven them for being so rude and hurtful. Those things they said really hurt because my one desire above all else is to have someone to share my life with - to build a family with and grow old with. And to say I obviously don't want it because I don't choose their way!!! It's insane. We are not the same. The way she runs her house is completely at odds with how I run mine. I would never marry a man I couldn't worship with and there is no way in hell I'd raise an agnostic child and be okay with it. But I didn't call her a bad mother or wife. Because that's her choice and she can do whatever she wants in her house.

As I lie awake at 2am still crushed from that conversation and those words I realize I should have said something. I don't know what it is about me that keeps me from saying when someone's words have hurt me. I tend to just let it slide and move on. But the truth is moving on takes a while. I'm awake hurt by what happened and they probably haven't even thought about it again. They certainly aren't welcome back in my house but it will take some time before I welcome them back in my life.

And I have to find a healthy way to express myself without being hateful. That was the problem in the past. I didn't know how to fight back without doing real damage. I want to fight fair. I don't want to destroy people just because I'm angry. But saying nothing isn't working. Not sleeping isn't working.

It's so crazy because I was so excited to see them. After 4 years of living here my cousins were finally coming. This was not the experience that I wanted. We had some good moments but those moments aren't keeping me up at night. I guess I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.

a study in diligence

a few weeks ago god gave me three words during prayer time with my sisters. i thought about them and said a prayer and quickly forgot them. they kept coming up in conversation, but honestly i didn't heed the importance god was placing on these words. and then my sister told me about her study of the words and i felt convicted. god gave the words for a reason. i was being disobedient!

i'm typically a compliant child. i do complain and groan sometimes but in the end i tend to obey. sometimes i obey without complaining. i want to be more obedient - i'm a work in progress. i think my failure to obey sometimes comes from a place of not accepting what god is saying. i know i'm not alone in that. sometimes i just don't want to hear what god is telling me. i don't want "that" to be my story so i just tune him out. the result is frustration and anger on my part and in the end, i obey. sigh.

that is exactly what's happening now. i'm so not happy with the chapter my life story is in right now and i rebel. i know god has a purpose and plan and it will bring me the ultimate good. i don't always want to go through the process to get to the ultimate good. i rebel against the process. and that brings me to one of the three words god spoke to me. they all start with a "d". the first word is diligent.

i'll let that sink in for a second. diligent is a heavy word. it's an adjective that describes something. god wants us to be diligent workers, diligent daughters and sons, diligent parents, diligent witnesses. diligent.

since i'm now being obedient, i did a little research on the word diligent. the definition is kind of dope. or maybe that's the wordsmith in me coming out.

diligent - characterized by steady, earnest and energetic effort; marked by persevering, painstaking effort; having or showing care and conscientiousness in one's work or duties.

the first take away is that diligence doesn't come overnight. you don't just do something once and become diligent. it's a constant act, and it's intentional. it also shows a level of importance and pride in what you do. you're putting forth your best.

so, i had my definition. next i needed to have some scripture to find out what god was saying when he gave me that word. (you know, other than i had become lazy and complacent.)

i did a quick online search of diligent in the bible and talk about having your socks knocked off. when god talks about being diligent in the bible, it's almost always connected to obedience and blessings. when we are diligent in obeying his commandments - to love and honor him with our lives - he is faithful to bless us with abundance.

he says it over and over and over. if i am diligent in service to god, he is diligent in providing for me. and not just for me, but all those i am connected to. he will bless me to bless all those i come into contact with.

let me just say this is juicy stuff! and this is just the first word! i have two more "d" words to go before i fully comprehend what god was saying to me two weeks ago during prayer.

i am so far from having all the answers. i don't actually seek to have all the answers. but i do seek after god and his purpose and plan for me. i do seek to be pleasing to god. i know i fall short but he's faithful and just to forgive me each and every time.

as i continue to study out what god is saying through the word diligent, i commit to make that adjective an accurate description of me!

i am diligent. and i'll keep confessing it until it is a true reflection of me. i am a diligent writer. i am a diligent wife. i am a diligent mother. i am a diligent daughter. i am a diligent worker. i am a diligent friend. i am a diligent believer. i am diligent.