empty handed and frustrated

this year i made a decision to be open to love. it's a simple thing to say but trust me it's no easy feat. we have a lot of things that interfere with our ability to be open to love. past relationships, past hurts, internal fears and lies, insecurities and sometimes just the obstacles of life can prevent us from being open. but i managed to be open to love and in seven months i have fallen in love and had my heart broken.

that wasn't exactly how i saw things going when i decided to be open to love back in december of 09. at 31, i felt like it was time for the "magic" to actually happen. i've certainly watched enough people my age and younger find what i desperately wanted. nothing could have convinced me back then that i wouldn't be successful. but alas, i'm seven months into the year, heading into the eighth month and still without love.

i did manage to find a wonderful man who was a great match for me. we shared the same vision, mission, passion and interests. not that we were clones of each other, but i could certainly be myself and he seemed to be attracted to all of that. it didn't happen right away. i mean, i certainly felt something -- not quite sure what to call it -- the night we met. i walked away feeling like i had just met someone i wanted to be in my life. but we went out, hung out and got to know each other. he made me laugh, he danced with me, he engaged my mind and i genuinely enjoyed being in his company.

it wasn't all roses by any means, but i was happy. i'm a generally happy person and i love life, being with him added to that. several people told me i was glowing and that i seemed happier. but in the end he broke my heart. after seven months of getting to know him and spending time with him, i walk away empty handed. i have mixed emotions about that. i don't regret being open. but i'm seriously tired of being empty handed.

that is my frustration with the process of "finding" love. everyone tells you it's out there and you want to believe that it is because of course there is someone who will add to your life and love you the way you love them. we weren't created to be alone and as a christian, i've always believed that i had a helpmate out there somewhere. i don't believe in one perfect soul mate but i do believe that it's rare to find someone that "gets" you the way he seemed to get me. it's disappointing and frustrating and the ultimate suckage. i thought he was my 42. (if you're not a geek, i'm sorry. i pity you and i advise you to look up the reference as i won't be educating you at this time.)

he wants to be my friend. why? because, in his words, i'm an awesome person and he enjoys being around me. of course i'm awesome! you aren't telling me anything i don't already know. but my question is why should i allow you access to me as a friend? i'm not of the belief that women and men can't be friends, but why would i want to continue to hang out with someone whom i found plenty of reasons to love but he doesn't seem able to say the same? doesn't sound like grounds for a good friendship. besides, i didn't date him for his friendship. i dated him because i thought we could have more than friendship. i was wrong.

so now i have 4 months left in this year (since august is a few days away) and i wonder if i'll be successful at achieving my goal. in a sense i was open to love and i managed to fall in love. but he didn't love me back and that amounts to failure. a lot can happen in a year and since the year isn't over maybe there are great things in store for me. i hope so because i'm seriously tired of being empty handed when it comes to love. why is it so hard?

somthings are worth the risk

i like to joke that i'm a cautious adventurer. i enjoy the thrill of discovering new things and exploring new worlds but i'm extremely calculated in the adventures i seek. i'm a risk taker to an extent and then i revert to the safety and comfort of a plan. i am a planner and i'll always be a planner. but i'm learning that somethings in life are worth the risk.

life is full of all kinds of opportunity and you really never know what you're going to get. sometimes things work out just fine for you and other times it ends less than favorably. sometimes you experience great success and other times you have to trudge forward through defeat. but at the end of the day, the life worth living is the one actually lived. and what is life without risks?

people always say no pain no gain, but it's pretty much the truth. you risk getting hurt if you open your heart to love. you risk getting rejected if you go for that dream job. you risk failing if you try something that has never been done before. but there are lessons to be learned through it all and if you ask me, gaining life experience and becoming self-aware is far more valuable than the average person realizes.

focus on what's important

i have strong opinions about what my life should look like from year to year. it has been hard at times to swollen the bitter pill of reality when things don't quite measure up to the vision in my head. when i feel like i've fallen short, i have a hard to focusing on the things that are truly important. thankfully, God reminded me to get back to business.

if you read my sporadic posts (i make no apologies for not posting regularly) you know i've talked opening about finding and falling in love. i've also talked about it not going quite as planned and picking up the pieces and moving on. i haven't talked much about reconciling the disappointment of not hitting the mile marker that i set with the reality that most things in life can't be planned.

i'm a work in progress but i am beginning to accept that not only is life messy, it's unpredictable and requires understanding, flexibility and ingenuity to survive. and survival looks different for each of us. some of us just want to keep our heads above water. some of us want to float in the waves. some of us want to soar above it all. me? i just want to continue to intentionally live life like it matters - i matter, my actions matter, my legacy matters.

that requires me to focus on what's important. for me, loving God's people is important. i hate to see people hurting and it blesses my heart to be able to help those around me in need. i don't have to know you, i just have to know God and accept that His greatest commandments were to love and serve Him and love and serve His people. if i can keep myself focused on that reality, i can stop comparing myself to others and the fantasy of what i always expected my life to be like at this stage.

i'm very happy with who i am and where i am but i can't deny that i fully expected to be married with children by now. i'm not even close. but life so far has been a wild ride that i would not change. i've loved, lost, laughed, lounged, listened and longed for things. but at the end of the day i've lived. i don't ever want to stop living. and part of the process is to focus on what's important.