it's not you, it's me

i have come to the conclusion that i internalize way too much. when it comes to relationships, i tend to take a lot of responsibility for when things go wrong. i am very aware that i can be an "interesting" person to be in relationship with. just ask my family and friends! i imagine a romantic relationship would be in the same boat. i say imagine because, let's face it, i haven't had one to speak of so i'm going by the laws of common sense.

i have had a few friendships that ended badly over the years. actually, now that i think about it, it's really only been two friendships. both from college although one was undergrad and one was grad. i wonder where those ladies are and what they are up to from time to time but i don't think my life is necessarily missing something now that they are out of my life. but those two relationships taught me a thing or two about myself.

taking responsibility for one's actions is a cornerstone value of mine. maybe it's because i was raised in a single parent home by a mother who worked her ass off taking care of my brothers and i because my father just refused to take responsibility for his actions. a person who doesn't own up to what they have done gets no slack from me. so, when i mess up -- and i do on a regular -- i admit it. i believe that makes for a healthy me and a healthy relationship with others.

but there are times when i've taken responsibility for things that really weren't my doing. why? for the sake of keeping the peace? because i wanted to fix whatever was wrong? not really 100 percent sure why i do it but i'm willing to bet it has a lot to do with me thinking that i have so many flaws i have to be the cause of bad relationships.

the truth is, we are all flawed and just like i make mistakes, others do too. the other person might just as easily be the cause of the problem as i am. i know the saying, "it's not you it's me" has become a joke of sorts in the romantic relationship category but there is truth to it at times. sometimes the other person is just screwed up and no matter what you do, you can't overcome their issues. why automatically assume you're the one with the problem?

i am working on my issues on a regular basis. i happen to think i'm a good person and i would do anything for the people i love and care about. sometimes i hurt them unintentionally and sometimes i can be flat out bitchy when i don't want to be bothered. that definitely makes me human! yet, i've managed to cultivate amazing, lifelong friendships with amazing people. i guess it's part of the give and take of relationships. but some relationships are unhealthy or just not meant to be.

when you wake up and realize you are always taking responsibility for the things that go wrong in the relationship whether you are or not, or you give constantly and they take without end, it might be time for you to realize there is a problem. maybe they are right when they say, it's not you it's me.

you are the prototype

i recently had a guy friend ask me what kind of man i like. i know, you're thinking i laid out my list in great detail so he was clear about the exact kind of man i'm looking for, right? wrong. he asked the question and sadly i had no clear answer.

truth is, i'm still in the process of discovering what kind of man i want. i blame my lack of dating experience as the main culprit. but i also acknowledge that i'm still evolving as a woman and learning new things about myself. as i've gotten older i have come to realize some things aren't that big a deal to me and others are an absolute deal breaker!

at the heart of my man wish list are four simple things: love God, love me, love life, love people. but that can come in all kinds of packages! my friend's question made me realize i haven't decided on the packaging just yet. or at least, i thought i hadn't.

although my dating experience is limited, i've loved two men in my life. surprisingly, they are very similar. both are engineers, former marines, oldest children, patient, super geeky, funny, conversationalist and easy to be around. i know people say that we all have a "type" but until recently i didn't know i actually did.

i can say with complete honesty that both were hubby material to me, though i've no doubt i'd be happier with the most recent love interest. in fact, he's the one i was pretty sure was "the one". you know, the one you think was sent into your life because he was created just for you? okay, let's back up for a second. i don't believe in a soul mate by any means. i just wanted to make sure we were on the same page when i said "the one". honestly, i think the chemistry i have with him is stronger than any force i've ever felt with another human that i wasn't a, born related to or b, introduced to as a child.

i met him on a random night at a random event and i walked away saying to myself (don't laugh!!!) "i think i just met the man i'm going to marry!" it was crazy and irrational and insane. yet, that is exactly what i thought. so after all that has transpired between us, i sum up our relationship with the lyrics to a wonderful song by andre 3000.

i hope that you're the one but if not you're the prototype. if i don't spend the rest of my life with him -- and it's just as likely i won't as it is i will all things considered -- i can say with certainty i want someone like him. i want all the great things that make him so lovable as well as the chemistry that make him irresistible to me. so, if he can't be the one i spend the rest of my life loving, he can serve as the prototype!