The road less traveled

What an adventure my life always turns out to be. Nothing rarely happens in the simplest path. Nope. Things in my life like to take the road less traveled. Or the road most convoluted. Or the road most difficult. Either way, it's usually not at all what I expected or how I planned. That's just the way it is.

So I didn't expect my trip home to be any different. And in the tradition of grand exquisiteness life didn't disappoint. I spent an evening in a hotel in Oklahoma city after a delayed flight out of Seattle kept me from making my connecting in Denver. No open seats on the next flight out of Denver meant a trip to Oklahoma overnight before heading to Kansas city in the morning. It was a long travel day but I finally made it and everything worked out. I have a few "issues" that have sprung up but over all life is good. Looking forward to having a great time with my family. And I can't wait to see my babies. My nieces and nephew are my whole world.

so much good things for you

when you want friends you have to show yourself friendly. when you work the land you can enjoy the fruit of it. when you learn to fish you can fish for eternity. when you give, it will be given back to you. there is a law of recipricity that no matter what your faith, it can't be disputed. we reap what we sow.

i've been sowing some major seeds of faith, love, peace and service and i'm believing so much good things for my life and the lives of those i care about right now. i know there are great things in store and that's why i'm detoxing from the stuff that doesn't matter. the small things that get me distracted from doing what i'm supposed to do. the big things that suck my time and energy so i'm not doing the things i'm supposed to do. and the people that rob my time and emotional peace so i'm not doing the things i'm supposed to do. you see a pattern here? anything that keeps me from doing the things i'm supposed to be doing will get the boot.

the bottom line is i want the best life possible and when i line up with what god says i know i can have that. some people don't want you to succeed and some people just want you to get caught in their drama. either way, i don't want them in my life.

antsy: restless or impatient

my friend told me the wait is almost over and that's why we all feel so antsy. i like the word antsy. it makes me think of a person dancing around because he has ants in his pants. yep, that's how my brain works. antsy sounds like ants and ants in your pants make you dance. take that dr. seuss!

but the actual definition of antsy is slightly different. okay, it's way different. antsy means restless or impatient. well, fidgety kind of goes with my personal definition but that's not important right now. i'm gonna focus on restless and impatient because more times than not, that describes me. and i wonder if my wait times are extended for somethings because i grow restless. the thing is, in my restlessness and impatience, i don't actually give up. sometimes my attitude changes for the worse, but i still have the expectation of achievement. lately, i've worked overtime to keep my attitude in check. you HAVE to have a good attitude. i mean, a bad attitude can wreck your life. and it definitely doesn't influence god to move in your life.

so, i've been checking my attitude about things and i can say there has been change in some areas. but there are still some major things i'm waiting on, been waiting on and i'm trying hard to fight being restless and impatient. because i want the best and good things come to those who wait. at least that's what she said. (for the record, she also said the early bird gets the worm, so sometimes i don't know what to do!) there is a time to wait and a time to act. i just need to check in to see which is which and behave accordingly. but no matter what, my assault on the antsies will continue!

i am not afraid

huge sigh. what a wild last few days! but i'm pressing forward with life - getting closer to my goals and making my dreams come true. i'm also letting go of things that are weighing me down. sometimes you just have to realize when stuff in life isn't worth your energy. life is too short to allow stuff to bother you. they say don't sweat the small stuff. i'm learning to believe and live that.

as i prepare to head home to be with my family, i'm painfully aware of just how much life is worth. and just how quickly things can change. nothing is guaranteed. so i've decided to succeed and accomplish my goals, i have to stop being afraid. the truth is i didn't even know i was afraid. i was afraid of what people would think of me. i was afraid of how i would be perceived. i was afraid that maybe i wasn't quite qualified. i was afraid i wouldn't measure up. i was afraid things wouldn't change. that is a lot of fear! and when it comes down to it, fear is a trick of the enemy and the enemy is defeated. so with that, i am not afraid to go get it - whatever that is! i'm going to walk in my purpose and live out my destiny just as planned. and if you're not going to walk beside me and journey through life with me, you are dismissed.

who knows

there are a lot of things in life that can change your perspective on things. the loss of loved ones, the birth of new loved ones, career changes, relationships and friendships all shape who we are. lately, a string of events has changed my perspective on life. i don't consider that a bad thing. it is necessary to re-evaluate your life on a regular basis and make adjustments so you stay on track to achieve your goals.

for me, it is also necessary to make sure i'm surrounding myself with people who mean the best for me and want to see me succeed as much as i want to see them succeed. lately i've wondered if some of the people in my life want to be there. when you make up stuff to initiate conflict i have to wonder. i don't do drama. i know issues come up but pettiness and silliness are not my cup of tea. say what you mean. mean what you say. be quick to listen and slow to anger. and be ready to reconcile. you aren't always right. no one is always right. when you make a mistake, as i do all the time, admit it. be willing to apologize and mean it when you're wrong.

i just expect much more out of my relationships than some people seem willing to give. in light of that knowledge who knows what the future holds. either way, i will always be true to me and keep it 100 with everyone.

playing hooky

i was supposed to attend a leadership summit today. hear from some people who are experts in leadership and how to be an effective leader. but i went bowling last night and stayed out way past my bedtime and then i came home and made some homemade soup for a friend who i infected with my cooties. i was up until 4 am and that pretty much guaranteed i would not be making it to the summit.

sometimes it's necessary to play hooky from things and rest. it's not that i do too much on a regular basis but occasionally i cross the line between being active and being over committed. and then there is just the need to rest every once in a while. i was sick last weekend and did far more than a sick person should. so today when i woke at 10 (two hours after the start of the summit) i decided i'd be perfectly okay lounging around the house and watching netflix. and you know what? i was right!

eventually i'll head out to my garden and do a little weeding and harvesting but for now, i'm just going to kick my heels up, wrap myself in a warm blanket, sip a hot tottie and watch scifi on netflix!

closer

i'm so glad that after this week i'm closer to seeing my family. i will be heading to kc wednesday afternoon. can't wait. haven't seen my family since october and i can't believe how much i miss them. i was planning to see them in september and i hope i still can but it was definitely nice to book my flight to go home. no where i'd rather be right now.

and i'm also happy that my friend will be visiting end of next month. of course until the ticket is purchased i don't know for sure but it's the plan. being so far away from the people i love and care about just makes me want to be closer. but we're stuck where we are. so trips make all the difference.

life is precious

sometimes we forget how truly precious and short this life is. i've had two friends lose their fathers in the last week. i mourn with them for the gift they have lost. fathers are truly important. when they are good fathers, their relationship with us directly mirrors our relationship with our heavenly father. it can completely alter how you view god when your father relationship is dysfunctional.

but after mourning with them i learned that someone i love and care for is going through and i feel so incredibly helpless. i know i have the power of prayer and i know god to be a healer but right now i don't feel like my power amounts to much. i'm glad i have my best friends praying because i'm so scared. i'm trying not to fall apart but being so far away from home i can't help it sometimes. i have been a wreck all afternoon and right now i just want to be with my family. they are the most important people in the world to me and the distance feels much farther than the few thousand miles separating us.

i'm working on getting my ticket to go home and praying my missing miles are applied. definitely need god's favor in that area. i was home in october so it's barely been 8 months since i was last home but for some reason it feels like an eternity. life is precious and we have to stop taking it for granted. well, i can only speak for myself, and i'm learning to not take it for granted. tomorrow is not promised and that's truth.

my god, we need you now.

perception is reality

i am so stoked about seeing musiq soulchild in concert tonight. had a great time with the girls prefunking and dancing and singing at the concert. it was awesome. and a great way to cap an otherwise sucky day. but i'm thinking this is going to be the last time i have a sucky day like this.

people are so funny. and honestly, real extra. i guess they are also used to getting away with not coming out and saying what they feel because they don't like confrontation. i don't have a problem with confrontation. and i'm only going to pacify you so many times. when you question my integrity and then try to act like that's not your intention, we have a problem. my reputation is important to me. i work very hard to stay out of mess and foolishness because you're not going to drag my good name down in the dirt. i am a woman of integrity. and i'm always going to keep it 100. i prefer to be authentic even when it's not the most convenient thing to do.

so, calling my integrity into question is going to cause a confrontation. because you're not going to play me like that. and i'm not going to let you back pedal and say that's not what you meant when there is only ONE way to take that question. and let's be clear on something else, i don't ask you to tell me your business. you volunteer. but we don't EVER have to worry about that again. my perception is you don't feel like you can trust me and i'm not interested in defending myself. i don't have to. my record speaks for itself. and we'll just leave it at that.

thank you musiq for being the icing on my cake. and i'm thankful to the girls for letting me hang with their circle. good times. time for bed!

happy summer solstice

well today was the start of a new season. i should disclose that summer is my absolute favorite season. since moving to the pacific northwest, i've come to really appreciate summers - even if they don't start until july 5 here! and so i celebrated this new season with a friend. we hung out on the rooftop and talked and took in the beauty.

i'm excited for this new season for many reasons. one, the most obvious, is that summer brings sunshine and warmth. i love heat and i adore being kissed by the sun. my skin dances in the radiance of it all. second, i'm believing this new season will bring new birth in some areas of my life. they aren't dead but they are on life support. i'm ready for revival. third, this season brings my third anniversary of living in seattle. three is the number of completion. i feel as though i've finally come to terms with my life here. i'm working to make necessary changes and to build a family of sorts here.

this is where i live and until god says differently, i'm going to be here for the long haul. that means i'll be getting married and birthing my children here. sure, anything can happen, but as of right now, god told me i'm not going anywhere. i know how to listen. so i'm settling in and planting roots. first i'm getting a new job. then i'm going to go hard on my freelance business. and in the midst of all of that, i plan to finish and sale a book, meet and marry a great man and start building my life with him. i don't think small. can't help it. i know who's i am. he specializes in great outcomes. and as long as i serve him, i can have whatever i ask for. my number one request is to live out his will for my life. but after that, i want a happy and healthy family. i want a happy home. i want a great job. and i want friends who are dependable like family. i prepare for bed knowing that god has it all under control. my life is in his hands.

so, new season, new opportunity to walk in the goodness and fullness of god. happy summer solstice!

codeine cloud

i went to the doctor today to get some meds to knock out the ick ravaging my body. i got an antibiotic and some codeine cough syrup. now antibiotics are normal. i'm used to taking them. but that cough syrup, man that ain't no joke!

the sucky thing is that i woke up from my codeine cloud nap and my head was pounding. my sinuses are not my friend at the moment. sadly, there is no medicine for that. they aren't infected, just swollen. and as such, taking up way too much space in my head. maybe that's not the scientific, medical way to say it, but it works for me. i'm sure webmd wouldn't mind.

but i look forward to it not hurting. gonna do the neti pot and see if that helps at all. yesterday it just made my ears hurt. not so fun.

why can't i get back on the wagon

i've picked up a few pounds lately and it's got me all in a tizzy. yet, i've failed to get recommitted to my gym routine. why is that? i'm not pleased that i've gained a few pounds and i'm not at all cool with the idea that it's the start of something worse. in fact, i'm anti packing on the pounds. not acting doesn't make sense.

i should clarify. i have acted. just not on a large enough scale. i noticed that my appetite had picked up for no good reason. i thought about it and discovered i had been over eating on some meals. couple that with skipping my morning workouts and you have a recipe for disaster. i have to get it together.

so, starting this week i'm planning to make it back into the gym. i actually have a warrior dash to prepare for in just a month! if that's not motivation i don't know what is. i've run a few times. as of now, i'm down to just 1.5-2 miles at a time. so not gonna cut it. i used to run a 5k every time i ran. i know it wouldn't take long to get back up to that level i just have to commit to doing it.

i also need to force myself to get up in the morning and go to sleep at night. that way i'll make it to spin on MWF. by just doing that class three times a week, i'd be back in shape. crazy huh? it's that simple! the kicker though is that spin is at 5:30 am! and that is the challenge. i was doing good for a while and then my sleep pattern changed. i've struggled to get back on track. we're going to give it a serious try this week. wait, what am i saying? there is only do or do not. there is no try. i WILL get it together and hit the gym for spin MWF and i WILL run TTH to get ready for the warrior dash.

sore throat

i woke up friday morning with a serious sore throat. took some cold meds and made it through the day for the most part. today, i woke up with the same sore throat only it's super strong and not at all cool. my tonsils look like they're hiding a baby!

so i went to the pharmacy and they don't carry tylenol cold anymore. that's my go to cold med so i'm not sure what to do. but the pharmacist recommended gargling with salt and warm water. i did and it helps temporarily but not long term. in the long run, i can't swallow! i had no intentions of being in all weekend and as of right now, i'm exhausted. gonna take a nap so i can be ready for this bday party tonight.

in my efforts to diagnose myself, i do that a lot, i took a cotton swab to my tonsils to see what i found. as suspected, they are harboring a little pus and blood. that is sign of infection and therefore, it's not just an irritated throat due to nasal drip as the pharmacist said. i have a full on infection. i'll of course be hitting up the doctor first thing monday morning. hoping this is an infection and not a virus. i hate viruses. you can't take anything and nothing makes you feel better. and the bastards take ages to work their way out!

wishing chair

in a culmination of events communicating our desire to be married, a group of ladies embarked on a journey downtown to sit in the wishing chair. legend has it that everyone woman that sits in the chair and makes a wish to be married, is married within a year. naturally, we wanted in on this and so it begins.

the four of us went to the top of smith tower and professed our desire to be married. we took pictures and said a prayer and signed the book. now, it's out there and it's up to god to make it happen. but i have been clear, I WANT TO GET MARRIED.

i'll be working on a video that highlights our journey from vision boarding to wishing chair to marriage. i'm excited. i expect there to be action in this area.

you're awesome

have you ever gotten tired of hearing men tell you how awesome you are? usually, we are supposed to love when someone dotes on us or recognizes us. i'm not talking overboard, but when someone genuinely shows appreciation for you, you are supposed to enjoy that. usually i do. but lately, i've grown tired of hearing men tell me how awesome i am. no really, i'm amazing and great and all that. thank you. thank you for the compliments. but why am i amazing and great and awesome and still single?

i can ask that question because i guarantee i get asked all the time. i tune it out more than i acknowledge it. it just gets old. do you think i would be single if i knew the answer to why i was single? of course not. i'd work hard to address that issue and rectify the situation. some people like being single. i don't. i want to be married. if i knew the answer, i'd be on my way to marriage.

as it is, i'm not technically close to marriage. i mean, anything can happen and i don't know the future. i could meet a man this weekend that turns out to be my husband 12 months from now. we don't know. and i can't say it's not likely because that would be saying i know the future. i don't. anything is possible. so, i'm not technically close to marriage. but i am tired of being told i'm amazing but not quite "it."

i do love the compliments. i do love being acknowledge and appreciated. it's not my driving motivation for doing the things i do. thankfully, i was just made this way and it's who i am. but i wonder sometimes why who i am isn't good enough? or, why who he is isn't good enough for me. am i really that special that it's practically an act of god for me to have love? well it is an act of god, as i believe marriage is created by god, but you know what i mean!

i'm battling through these feelings because i can't let them consume me and occupy my thoughts while i'm out living my life. too busy. too much to do. yet, i still seek answers.

how do you know

i had prayer with my sisters and best friends tonight and we talked about clarity the need for direction. but we also talked about opportunities that are before us and how to know which opportunities are right for us. specifically, we talked about jobs. but i'm also curious about relationships. how do you know when something is right for you?

people talk about finding their dream job or their soul mate as if there is one perfect scenario that makes life magically awesome. so as we ponder new career opportunities, and continue our quest for love, how do we know when it's right if the magic isn't real? when it comes to love, i've thought i "knew" before and it didn't work out. that makes me a little more hesitant than i'd like to be. can i trust my gut? my instincts? my intuition? i believe i can. but i recognize that i'm not the only one doing the choosing.

i want to make great choices but i want to make right choices. the best choices for me and what i'm called to do. how do i do that? i'm not afraid to fail. i don't want to fail, but i'm not afraid of it happening. and i'm not afraid to be wrong. i was but not anymore. now i just want to be smart. guess i need to think on it some more.

crazy dreams

when i asked for visitation in my dream that was not what i had in mind. sadly i can't remember most of it so i really don't know what to make of it. but i had strep throat or something that looked like strep throat. i had these white patches of ick all over my throat and tongue. and i didn't discover them until after i had kissed the guy i was with. at first i assumed it was a certain guy but now i'm not sure. don't know if that is important or not!

but after kissing and cuddling, the doorbell rang and we got out of bed. he went to get the door and i went to the bathroom. i started brushing my teeth and noticed the white stuff. so i told him i think i have strep throat and we better go get him checked out too. and a bunch of our friends were at the door because we were going hiking that morning. but i told them i had strep throat and to stay back. and that was the end of the dream. weird huh? or at least that was the end of what i remember. and to be honest, those pieces i do remember are fuzzy. i think that's what happened but at this point i can't be sure.

since it's completely strange, i'm going to chalk it up to just a crazy dream and nothing more. hopefully that's the truth. lol.

highs and lows

today was a mix of emotional highs and emotional lows. let's start with the lows because i want to end on a good note.

today, i was terrified that love will be out of my reach. i listened to a radio show about relations between black men and woman and they asked the question why are so many black men single. i loved it because it addressed them rather than us, like so many articles, shows and books have. it talked about the equally high number of black men who are single and why that is.

one of the guys that called in was great but still single. and his reasons were that he was still looking. what is it that men are looking for? i mean really? it seems like they focus on stuff that doesn't really matter in the end and pass up the woman that would actually make the good wife. and that made me scared. what if no one ever chooses me? what if i never get married? i know, i went of the deep end and that's why i said it was an emotional low.

i recognize that i made huge mistakes in my last relationship. i didn't demand to be treated the way i should have. i allowed things that didn't line up with my relationship expectations or desires. and i had to ask myself why. i'm an adult and i take full responsibility for my actions. i know that my choices are what got me to where i am and no one else's. so armed with that truth i faced the real fear. i'm afraid that i won't be chosen. and that fear comes from never being chosen in the past.

some days i feel invisible when it comes to men. they never really see me and i don't know why. that hasn't stopped me from being true to myself and loving the skin i'm in, but it's not my desire to be alone - and i mean alone, not lonely. i want to be a wife and mother. i know i talk about it all the time on this blog. it's a huge part of my brain space. i can't help it. i'm almost 33 and i know that my good years are creeping by whether i want them to or not. i pictured this time with my husband, sharing adventures as we discovered the world around us together. i didn't picture it flying solo on those adventures. don't get me wrong, i have fun, but i don't actually want to do it alone.

today was a really bad day in this area. not everyday is like this and i take comfort in that. but when it hits, it hurts. what are men looking for and why don't they recognize it when they do see it? mothers love me. i've witnessed it many times. they know i'm going to take care of their son and grandbabies. they know i'm going to take care of home. and they know i'm about family and they won't ever have to worry about not being a part of our lives. so, why am i still single? there isn't a logical explanation for it.

educated, but not a snob. physically fit and active. family and community oriented. friendly and outgoing. compassionate and forgiving. financially okay and responsible. attractive. these are things people say about me. i'm not saying it to boast. other people see these traits in me. and they are important aspects of my character and personality. it seems they would be desirable things. and yet i'm single. the only thing i process is that i must be invisible to men. and the question then is why? why don't they see me? and when will that change? god and i talk about it all the time. well, mostly i'm crying my heart out and he's telling me to be patient and wait. when will this season end? i don't want to be giving birth in my 40s. that's not a good quality of life for me or the kids. this hurts. this was not a good day for that area of my life.

it's a good thing another big area showed promise. it was enough to lift my spirits and remind me that god is working and moving in my life. i had a phone interview for a position at the tech company where i really want to work. the interview went great and she said they would bring me in for a face to face in the next few weeks. i'm more than stoked about that because my goal is to start a new job next month. i've been in the same position for 3 years and nothing is going to change. time to spread my wings and fly away. i want to advance my career. i want to be challenged. i want to know what it's like to work hard and long to accomplish something that will affect millions of lives! i want to be rewarded for my hard work and diligence and not have it crapped on or be insulted and yelled at because someone didn't get there way. i'm ready for something new. and it looks very promising that i'm moving in that direction. oh how i hope and pray this is for me. something needs to work out because i've been sending up prayers for my friends, family and myself. and i'm more than ecstatic that god is working and moving on our behave.

so with that, i close out this post. hopefully on an emotional high. having a new job within reach is more than enough to send me off to happy dreams tonight. but i'm also praying for some dreams to address that other area. i need some clarity and i got a scripture about dreams. let's hope that means a visitation tonight.

this can't be my life

there is a popular website called f**k my life. i can't get down with that because my life is pretty awesome on most days. but there are some days where i'm just like, man this can't be my life. this can't be my reality. i mostly struggle with that in the area of love. how is it that love has become elusive? or exclusive. something that everyone can have but me? it doesn't make sense. and it's exhausting to still be having this conversation with God, myself, and my friends at this stage in life. it was supposed to be different.

we did everything right and at the end of the day that hasn't meant anything. why don't men get it together? why don't they recognize a good woman when they see one? why doesn't love just happen in real life like it does in the movies? i'm weary. i've grown weary and i'm not sure how much i can take. i'm not cut out for single life and i could understand if i'd never been single in my adult life. i could see needing a period of time to figure me out. but i know who i am. i know who God said i am. i know the woman i want to be five years from now. ten years from now. i know myself very well. that's why i can say tonight that i'm weary. and tired. and reaching out for hope when god has provided little.

what am i missing? what am i doing wrong? because this can't be the plan on purpose. a god who loves me as much as He does couldn't possible be okay with me feeling this miserable about the lack of love in my life. i'm a whole person. i'm not looking for someone to complete me. but i'm more than ready to meet someone i can build a life with. one that is greater than what i can do by myself. i want a family. why is that so damn hard?

this can't be my life.

it's snowing pollen

my allergies are trying to do me in. it is raining pollen in seattle and i can't take it anymore. my nose is stuffed up completely. my eyes are red and itchy and watery, my ears are itching, and my face hurts. something has got to give. the allergy meds aren't working at all. ya girl is miserable.

but that aside, i had a great day. got to hang out with some cool peeps and enjoy some good food. life is short and sometimes we miss it by letting it pass us by. i'm trying to experience all that life throws my way. and if i'm as blessed as i believe i am, this pollen assault will not prevent me from enjoying life. but i am thinking i need to spend more time in doors over the next few days. this pollen isn't disappearing and my meds aren't cutting it.

pulling weeds

i spent several hours this morning pulling weeds from my garden. trust me when i tell you, that's back breaking work! if you've never gardened before, it's not for the faint of heart. i love it though. it's my therapy when i'm usually, losing it yeah. lol. sorry for the emotional roller coaster reference. pop culture just oozes out of me without even i'm not thinking about it.

but back to the weeds. it's crazy how deep some of those roots go. they are some stubborn little buggers. after weeding, i planted some tomato plants that i picked up at the farmers market this morning. as much as i hate the weather in seattle on most days, i love what my city has to offer. i'm working on accepting the weather as i settle in for the long haul. just hoping that my love life can start sprouting some fruit like the veggies in my garden! i have a green thumb for growing my own food, but i clearly need a green heart for growing love!

and on that note ...

why why why? today was such a great day, i mean awesome, so why did i have to hear those words and it haunt me into the early hours of the morning? sigh.

today, i got a compliment from the jerk that yelled at me in a meeting just last week. he applauded my creativity and gave complete buy in to my project idea. it made me happy. it made the day awesome.

then i met up with my friend to work on a project and we had dinner and chopped it up like we usually do. she's moving and i'll miss her greatly! but there was that one conversation that made the wheels in my mind spin and completely changed my head space.

the entire way home i thought about those words and what they could mean. i have a tendency to let the creative part of my brain take over sometimes so let's just say my imagination lost its mind. the thoughts and likely conversations that formed had me distraught. i realize it's all in my mind, there is no way to know what will actually happen, but i managed to develop some scenarios none the less. and they aren't pretty.

dang. not sure how i'm going to sleep. or not think about it. i have so much to get done this weekend and plenty - more than plenty - to keep me busy this weekend. and yet, my mind is on the fact that i heard those words and it changed everything. do i actually matter? at all? how much? will it ever mean anything? ugh. i'd scream if i knew it would help. need to get my head space back right. and on that note, goodnight.

creative juices are flowing

today i completed the script for my latest video project for work. it's a shakespeare piece that tells the story of our product in elizabethian english. i wasn't sure how it would go over, and our toughest critic is yet to view it, but the response was great. and i'm feeling great about it.

i'm a creative person. highly creative. i just don't think like the average person. i love that about me. i love that god made me different that way. and i enjoy putting that creativity to work. i really enjoy helping my company to make money and gain exposure by putting my creativity to work. but it doesn't always go hand and hand. in fact, i've said it many times that i feel my job sucking my creativity on a daily basis. lately things have been better and it's in large part to the departure of my previous boss. he's a great guy - very caring and all that - but his desire to be anywhere but with that company just made for a horrible work environment and no matter what i did i couldn't shake the feeling of dread that greeted me each morning before heading into the office.

an attitude adjustment goes a long way for vanquishing the miseries. and to be clear, they must be vanquished. as i learned on tuesday, turbulence is guaranteed but misery is optional. a person focused on doing things for others will find it hard to be misery. and doing things for others keeps you inspired and in touch with your creativity. it really does all go together. so, cheers to the return of my creativity an hat tip to shakespeare for serving as such great, and clever and witty inspiration!

and he leads me beside the quiet streams

peace. uncomprehendable peace. the kind that allows you to rest when the world around you is in turmoil. the kind that allows you to relax when everything is lapsing into chaos. peace. uncomprehendable peace. i'm seeking that kind of peace.

i'm praying for the ability to be moved by faith and not by sight. i'm praying for the ability to trust when i have a word but nothing else. i'm praying to rest when i don't know or understand. i'm praying to be courageous as i face a battle where victory seems unobtainable. i'm not there today. i tend to fret over things i have no control over. i get anxious when things don't move in my time. i worry when i don't know the outcome. or i should say, i used to. because today, i'm letting god lead me beside the quiet streams where i find rest and peace and serenity.

because the lord is my shepherd, i have everything i need. he makes me to rest in the meadows grass. and he leads me beside the quiet streams.

if it is to be it's up to me

yep, i attended the get motivated seminar like 10k other seattleites and let me say it was awesome. a well spent vacation day to be sure. i definitely got some much needed words of wisdom and motivation to make things happen. of all the speakers: Colin Powell, Bill Cosby, Jack Smith, Rudy Guiliani, Dan Rather; they all had a unifying them. you control your destiny so man/woman up!

the greatest take away i got from the day was from howard putnam of southwest airlines. he said turbulence is inevitable but misery is optional. that hit home with me because i was completely miserable at work for an entire year. that misery was affecting all of my relationships and unfortunately, some of my friends didn't show themselves friendly. it's all good though. i learned to release my frustration with work and pray for the victory i wanted. i got my victory. and now it's time for my new job! afterall, some play the game and others change the way the game is played. i'm a game changer. god called me to be a game changer. so, if it's to be, it's up to me. time to change the game and make it happen!

starting off on the wrong foot

i haven't started june off quite right as i've missed several blogging dates because i was out socializing and trying to have a life. it's no excuse for failing to get my writing in. i need to get to a point where i blog like my life depends on it because one day i want to earn a living as a professional writer. i want to be able to raise my babies at home rather than in daycare so i must write! hopefully hubby is doing well enough to support us but still, i want to do my part.

so i'm gonna do better. tomorrow i'm going to the get motivated seminar. i don't think i need the motivation as much as the discipline to complete my tasks. but that brings me to the point of this blog. actually the title has little to do with my reason for blogging today. i had a conversation with my friend about men here being so accomplished at a young age. i found that interesting because she clearly equates financial wealth with accomplishment. i see it totally differently. so during conversation i pointed out that many of the men do well financially because of their chosen field. but they aren't decision makers on their jobs and they aren't actively serving in their community. leaving a legacy worth following makes you accomplished in my book. idiots make money. just as the kardashians! but to be accomplished just requires more. that's not to see that these guys aren't accomplished, or on their way to being awesome. i just don't think money alone matters too much.

so i guess to tie it in to the title, building a relationship on the basis of money will definitely get you started on the wrong foot. i definitely require more. like that you love people and love serving people as much as you love yourself!

out with the old

i'm in a refreshing kind of mood. i'm ready for fresh, new and different in all aspects of my life. new fitness and eating habits, new look and feel to my personal space, new job and renewed passion for writing. life is incredibly short and can be taken away at any time. i don't want to waste the time i have. it is my desire to live to be at least 111 like bilbo baggins. mostly because i want to have a banging hundred and eleventeenth birthday just like him. fireworks, food, drink, dance, the whole nine! but just in case my days aren't as long on this earth, i want my time to count.

i've been toying with the desire to return to dance. i miss ballet. you have no idea. and i found a great studio here called westlake dance that i really want to join. i just have to make the sacrifice in my budget to make it happen. but in the meantime, i'll do my p90 and beach body insanity along with running, hiking (now that the weather is improving!) and spin class.

i'm excited to see how this second half of the year plays out. so much to do. so much to achieve. so much to see. so much to be thankful for. i'm on a mission to make my life awesomeness squared.

operation new job

i set a goal today to have a new job come july. it's not that i'm miserable at my current job. i used to be. but then my old boss quit and things changed for the better. but i still feel like my job is slowly killing my spirit. actually, it might be swiftly killing my spirit. either way, the environment is not good for me. and i know that if you don't like something in your life you change it.

i prayed for the environment to change or for me to change while i was there and both happened. i changed my attitude and then god changed the environment. now i am looking to change the job. i want a position that more matches my passion and interests. it's been my goal to find a job at microsoft because i believe in supporting local small businesses. lol. but honestly, i live in seattle and i'm a technofile. i should be working at microsoft! i know a lot of people that work there. so far, it hasn't resulted in so much as an interview, but thankfully god is a master networker. he is a master of opening doors that don't seem to open through my own means. he also knows how to connect me to the right people to make things happen. i'm totally trusting and believing that come july, i'll be starting a new position and it will challenge me and push me in all the good ways. i'm capable of doing more and i want to be somewhere that won't say no to innovation or creative thinking that moves beyond the comfort zone. i think bigger than i'm allowed to at work. i want to grow. and i want to be rewarded for being strategic and innovative and creative and a risk taker. so, operation new job. it's starting now!