if it isn't love

if it isn't love why do i feel this way, why does she stay on my mind.

those aren't my words but i think they say a lot about the general confusion of what it means to be in love. i'd be the first to admit that deciphering love is a major headache. when does it start? how do you know it when it happens? what does it mean when you love someone? it's nerve wrecking.

the thing is that being in love means different things at different stages of your life. young love, or puppy love, is very real, it just doesn't stand a chance of lasting. puppy love is about the butterflies and the rapidly beating heart and the sweaty palms that all surface when the object of your love appears. it is the giggling girl or the nervous boy that can't stop thinking about you and can't image being without you. it's talking on the phone for hours without saying anything at all and then daring each other to hang up first when your parents put the kibosh on that three hour phone call. it's intense and irrational and doomed for failure. but it's real.

where puppy love is intense, the next stage is downright fairytale garbage. i know some of you believe in fairy tales and i say more power to you. let me know how that works out for you! i find that the fairy tale love surfaces in college or early young adulthood. for us girls, it's all about finding that wonderful man that is going to make our lives complete. the one who is going to take care of us and treat us like the princess we always dreamed of being (if you're into that sort of thing, that is). this love is based in the belief that their is one perfect person for you that will totally make your life worth living. you'll have the perfect marriage, the perfect children, the perfect house and ultimately, the perfect life.

many hours are devoted to making sure your physical appearance matches the ideal woman of your ideal man. in college, it meant focusing as much on getting your mrs as you did on your ba or bs. for those lucky enough to win the prize, it meant a fat engagement ring and marriage soon after college. unfortunately, i've noticed that many of those marriages ended in divorce. there are a number of reasons for this i'm sure. but i'm going to sum it up with unrealistic expectations. your spouse can't complete you. they are only able to complement you. and most people who marry after college are still trying to figure out who they are and what kind of person they want to be. expecting perfection doesn't allow for growth or mistakes.

as we get older, we get a little more realistic about life and love. our expectations change based on our experiences. some people have grown bitter by this stage. thank God i'm not in this category. but i digress. what i've come to discover about love is based on personal experience, observation, God's example and common sense. i am no expert and i don't want anyone to take me for an expert. i'm just a girl who believes every experience can be a teaching moment if we get honest with ourselves and do better next time.

so, here goes. love is accepting people at their worst while praying for them to be their best. it's seeing the greatness that they possess while encouraging them to realize that potential. it's supporting them when things are going wrong and celebrating them when things are going well. it's working as a team to pursue and fulfill your common goals. it's enjoying life together through all it's joys and pains. it's common vision, purpose and passion. it's not wanting to wake up one day without them by your side. it's you wanting to be your best but knowing that you don't have to be perfect to receive their love. it's preferring that person above yourself. it's trusting and persevering and hoping. love is pain as much as it's joy. but most importantly, love has to be unconditional.

i have witnessed a lot of people in love at different stages of their life. at the end of the day, the only thing i know is that i want to be loved by someone who accepts me the way i am and celebrates that God made me this way. i want to be loved by someone who believes that i can do great things and pushes me to achieve rather than tears me down. i want to be loved by someone who is passionate about me, who looks at me like i'm the only person in the room who's captured his eye. i want to be loved by someone who wants me as his partner to build our future together. i want to be loved by someone who trusts me to take care of him and raise our babies and take care of our home even if i don't always get it right. i want to be loved by someone i can trust to lead our family in the right direction - the way God instructs - so we can be blessed. i want to be loved by someone who understands that the world is bigger than what we see outside our window and we have a role to play in improving that world. and i want to be loved by someone who is excited to join in this adventure called life with me because when he thinks of his future, he can't see it without me by his side. if it's not like that, it isn't love.

getting my life in order

i stopped making new year's resolutions a long time ago. instead i created a three to learn, three to try list for each year. i think about the things i want to add to my life because the moment you stop learning, you stop living. and i think about some new things i want to try. these lists can include all kinds of things and they usually do!

last year i wanted to try falling in love, learn to snowboard, try learning a foreign language and try playing in a recreational sports league. last year was a good year. i only managed to not complete two things and those things carried over into this year. so what made the list this year you wonder?

my three to learn: save more, a programming language, play the guitar
my three to try: performing a poem on stage, a cooking class, join a writing group

so, we're well into the first month of this first year of a new decade and i'm excited about the prospects. i'm hoping to continue on the love journey even though it didn't make the list this year and i really want to finish and publish a successful book this year. but i'm looking forward to taking life as it comes. learning to flow in God, in love, in life.