today is another day of me having a hard time dealing with his absence. not every day is like this which i'm grateful for because i couldn't feel like this everyday. but i hate how emotionally draining it is to get over someone. i read an article that said you need 3 months for every year you were with someone to get over the loss of the relationship. that sounds a little pollyanna to me. but to each his own.
i had a major sinus migraine today that had me sick to my head and stomach. so i was laid up in bed with all this time to think about my life. of course i've been doing that a lot anyway. practically nonstop! trying to figure out how to get things back on track. but today i thought about how nice it would be to have someone to baby me when i was sick. and that got me to thinking about him. it's a very vicious cycle that i'm trying hard to break. i don't want my story to read "she couldn't move on" so every day i try. i'm such a work in progress in so many ways.
but i'm believing that putting out all this positive energy welcoming real love into my life will have results. i'm cool with the woman who are all content being single. do your thing. i've been single for more than a decade because i was interested in discovering who i was and what i wanted out of life. now i'm ready for love. nothing will change that. so hello universe. are you listening?
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
finish the race
i'm not a procrastinator so much as a person who gets distracted easily. i have adhd as an adult and sometimes i find it hard to focus. i will start something and then get distracted and move on to something else. this doesn't keep me from finishing most things but there are some really big things i have yet to finish (even after a decade *ducks head in shame*) and the reality of that is making me sad. so much should have been accomplished that has gone unfinished.
in college i discovered the more scheduled i was the more focused i was. my gpa was its highest when i was involved heavily in organizations, working, student athlete and social with my friends. being that scheduled required a lot of discipline to meet all of my responsibilities. surprisingly, every thing got done and it was quality work. as an adult, i'm less scheduled. in fact, i'd venture to say i have way too much free time.
as i've been thinking of what changes i need to make in my life while working to achieve my professional and personal goals, i've come to the conclusion that i need to do more stuff. of course this isn't "busy" stuff as no one wants to fill their schedule with mindless crap. but there are some organizations that i need to participate in. there are some more volunteer opportunities that i need to take advantage of. and there are some more people that i need to interact with more regularly.
i want to FINISH a book this year because i've had dreams of me doing a book tour. i can't believe that i'm the reason i haven't published anything. it's no one else's fault. i'm the one who refuses to finish the race. so i'm getting it together because i want to be a full time writer. i want the flexibility of it, the unlimited creativity of it, the fulfillment of it and i want to enjoy the success of it. i can't let my shortcomings and fears keep me from being a published author. it just doesn't make sense. and it's not fair to my future readers or me. so, you heard it here first. it's time for me to finish the race!
in college i discovered the more scheduled i was the more focused i was. my gpa was its highest when i was involved heavily in organizations, working, student athlete and social with my friends. being that scheduled required a lot of discipline to meet all of my responsibilities. surprisingly, every thing got done and it was quality work. as an adult, i'm less scheduled. in fact, i'd venture to say i have way too much free time.
as i've been thinking of what changes i need to make in my life while working to achieve my professional and personal goals, i've come to the conclusion that i need to do more stuff. of course this isn't "busy" stuff as no one wants to fill their schedule with mindless crap. but there are some organizations that i need to participate in. there are some more volunteer opportunities that i need to take advantage of. and there are some more people that i need to interact with more regularly.
i want to FINISH a book this year because i've had dreams of me doing a book tour. i can't believe that i'm the reason i haven't published anything. it's no one else's fault. i'm the one who refuses to finish the race. so i'm getting it together because i want to be a full time writer. i want the flexibility of it, the unlimited creativity of it, the fulfillment of it and i want to enjoy the success of it. i can't let my shortcomings and fears keep me from being a published author. it just doesn't make sense. and it's not fair to my future readers or me. so, you heard it here first. it's time for me to finish the race!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
missing what's missing
today i spent the day recuperating from my very busy weekend. i went out with friends and danced a lot. in fact, someone offered to pay me to teach her how to dance. how funny is that? i was also a major man magnet which doesn't happen often. not because i'm not cute, but i'm unassuming. i'm not flashy or hot girl material. i'm more laid back, quiet and prone to be in my own world. i'm going to have fun even if i'm doing it alone. thankfully i wasn't alone and the other girls with me made it a night to remember. but it was also great because i didn't spend a dime!
but going out dancing made me miss my friend. our first date he took me to a little bar with a dance floor and we spent the night dancing. he loves music and dancing as much as me. many times he'd turn on music and pull me off the couch and we'd start dancing. we danced a lot. and i have to be honest, i really miss him a lot. i just saw that going so differently than it actually did. i'm a work in progress when it comes to getting over him because many times throughout my days i find myself missing what's missing. why is finding love so hard?
but going out dancing made me miss my friend. our first date he took me to a little bar with a dance floor and we spent the night dancing. he loves music and dancing as much as me. many times he'd turn on music and pull me off the couch and we'd start dancing. we danced a lot. and i have to be honest, i really miss him a lot. i just saw that going so differently than it actually did. i'm a work in progress when it comes to getting over him because many times throughout my days i find myself missing what's missing. why is finding love so hard?
Saturday, April 2, 2011
walk through the door
we all talk about looking for our next great opportunity to take our career to the next level. we want the promotion or the lead role on a project or the new job that would get us to a desired place professionally. i know i have definitely been working on my life vision and what kinds of opportunities i want to manifest.
the funny thing is that many times we fail to walk through the door when an opportunity presents itself. we get scared, nervous, anxious and doubtful. maybe we aren't ready for the opportunity. maybe it's not the right time. maybe it's not the right place. there will always be maybes and honestly, we don't know what the future holds so how can you know for sure that the decision is right or wrong?
don't get me wrong, i'm aware that if there is no peace about a decision, you most likely made the wrong decision. but there is a difference between doubting yourself out of fear and doubting yourself because you feel uneasy about something. most of the time it's fear that keeps us paralyzed.
i don't want to be afraid to walk through the door when it opens. i want to be so bold no one doubts i belong there. i've been preparing and praying and practicing so when it presents itself, i'm ready. there is no room for fear when you are working toward success. of course you will fail many times, but that's nothing to fear at all.
the funny thing is that many times we fail to walk through the door when an opportunity presents itself. we get scared, nervous, anxious and doubtful. maybe we aren't ready for the opportunity. maybe it's not the right time. maybe it's not the right place. there will always be maybes and honestly, we don't know what the future holds so how can you know for sure that the decision is right or wrong?
don't get me wrong, i'm aware that if there is no peace about a decision, you most likely made the wrong decision. but there is a difference between doubting yourself out of fear and doubting yourself because you feel uneasy about something. most of the time it's fear that keeps us paralyzed.
i don't want to be afraid to walk through the door when it opens. i want to be so bold no one doubts i belong there. i've been preparing and praying and practicing so when it presents itself, i'm ready. there is no room for fear when you are working toward success. of course you will fail many times, but that's nothing to fear at all.
Friday, April 1, 2011
nobody's fool
april fools day can be funny or annoying depending on what side of the joke you end up. reading through my facebook feed this morning i shook my head at the lack of originality in the pranks. i'm engaged! i'm pregnant! i got promoted! i'm moving to soandso! you get the picture. people use april fools to announce major life events in hopes of soliciting shock or excitement from friends and family.
the thing is that we should be excited about those kinds of announcements. the problem is that we make them jokes. is it because we want them so badly that we have to joke about the desire to escape the pain of the disappointment? i don't know if it's that deep for everyone but i know some people have waited so long that the very idea of them getting engaged is nothing more than a joke. that breaks my heart.
i have had my own personal struggle lately with trying to balance my desire to be married and enjoying my single life as it is. basically, i've come to the conclusion that after a decade plus of living the single life, i'm not really cut out for this. not sure how much longer i can last. i'm not alone because i hear it in my friends' conversations and see it in my twitter or facebook feeds. most adults are looking for love. notice i said most and not all. i know some people who are perfectly content in the single life and plan to stay there for a while. it's all about knowing what you want and where you are. nothing wrong with that. just like there's nothing wrong with wanting love.
i just hope that in my desire to balance singleness with desires to be married, i stay sane. some days i feel like a crazy person because i grow weary of the whole thing. why haven't i met "the one" as it were? why wasn't he ready for a commitment? why was the timing off? why did he choose her over me? i'm sure you've heard the same questions before. and in going through those situations, most women decide they don't want to be anyone's fool. they won't let the next man do them like the last man. i get it. but my strategy is to stay open. i haven't had my heart broken too many times because i am pretty selective with who i give it to. both men who had that privilege were great men. they just seemed to want something different. and in walking that out, i discovered more specifically what i wanted.
my requirements are still the same: love God, love me (in the appropriate time of course), love life and love people. that can look a lot of different ways but i'm confident i've found my prototype. i know what turns me on spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. i'm sure there are many areas to discover still, but i have a solid idea of what i want. and i'm confident i'll be chosen by the right man.
one day my mom told me she hoped i didn't fall for ishmael while i was waiting for isaac. i get what she's saying as i'm sure many single christian women have heard the same thing. but my problem with that is ishmael wasn't a bad man. and he was still a blessed man. the circumstances surrounding his birth were out of his control. to label him for the rest of his life because of that makes no sense to me. especially if we believe that all children are a blessing. so, while isaac might have been the promised child, ishmael was still a fulfilled promise in his own right. i'm sure people will disagree but to each his own.
i'm not a fool even though i might have acted foolishly at times (haven't we all?) and i know how to make good choices. i'm not sure why anyone would expect my love life to be any different. and when the time is right, i'll be more than ready to say "i pledge my life to you, to love you as christ loved the church, to serve you as the head of our house, my lover and my friend, today and always."
the thing is that we should be excited about those kinds of announcements. the problem is that we make them jokes. is it because we want them so badly that we have to joke about the desire to escape the pain of the disappointment? i don't know if it's that deep for everyone but i know some people have waited so long that the very idea of them getting engaged is nothing more than a joke. that breaks my heart.
i have had my own personal struggle lately with trying to balance my desire to be married and enjoying my single life as it is. basically, i've come to the conclusion that after a decade plus of living the single life, i'm not really cut out for this. not sure how much longer i can last. i'm not alone because i hear it in my friends' conversations and see it in my twitter or facebook feeds. most adults are looking for love. notice i said most and not all. i know some people who are perfectly content in the single life and plan to stay there for a while. it's all about knowing what you want and where you are. nothing wrong with that. just like there's nothing wrong with wanting love.
i just hope that in my desire to balance singleness with desires to be married, i stay sane. some days i feel like a crazy person because i grow weary of the whole thing. why haven't i met "the one" as it were? why wasn't he ready for a commitment? why was the timing off? why did he choose her over me? i'm sure you've heard the same questions before. and in going through those situations, most women decide they don't want to be anyone's fool. they won't let the next man do them like the last man. i get it. but my strategy is to stay open. i haven't had my heart broken too many times because i am pretty selective with who i give it to. both men who had that privilege were great men. they just seemed to want something different. and in walking that out, i discovered more specifically what i wanted.
my requirements are still the same: love God, love me (in the appropriate time of course), love life and love people. that can look a lot of different ways but i'm confident i've found my prototype. i know what turns me on spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. i'm sure there are many areas to discover still, but i have a solid idea of what i want. and i'm confident i'll be chosen by the right man.
one day my mom told me she hoped i didn't fall for ishmael while i was waiting for isaac. i get what she's saying as i'm sure many single christian women have heard the same thing. but my problem with that is ishmael wasn't a bad man. and he was still a blessed man. the circumstances surrounding his birth were out of his control. to label him for the rest of his life because of that makes no sense to me. especially if we believe that all children are a blessing. so, while isaac might have been the promised child, ishmael was still a fulfilled promise in his own right. i'm sure people will disagree but to each his own.
i'm not a fool even though i might have acted foolishly at times (haven't we all?) and i know how to make good choices. i'm not sure why anyone would expect my love life to be any different. and when the time is right, i'll be more than ready to say "i pledge my life to you, to love you as christ loved the church, to serve you as the head of our house, my lover and my friend, today and always."
Thursday, March 31, 2011
the difference a day makes
lately i have been feeling a little out of sorts with some things in life. i hate to sound whiny because i'm not a whiner. i love life. i enjoy laughing. but i can't always walk on the sunny side. sometimes things just suck! that is how i found myself feeling out of sorts a few days ago. today, my little sister asked me if i was sleepless in seattle. it made me laugh because i do have some sleepless nights. i have trouble shutting my brain off and disconnecting from all the crap that gets dumped on me throughout the day. but to be honest, i'm not sleepless in seattle, i'm restless in seattle.
i sent my little sister and her hubby a gift for their anniversary that i believe will change their lives for the better. to thank me, they prayed for me. it was an awesome prayer and i really enjoyed having the blessing spoken over my life. this is a year of transition for me. i don't know exactly what i'm transitioning to at this point, i just know it's happening. as as this month comes to an end and a new month begins, i find myself wanting more and more to welcome the best that life has to offer with open arms. today might have been crappy but tomorrow could be totally different. and in a good way. you just really never know what tomorrow will bring so i guess that's why they say "what a difference a day makes." seriously, your entire life can change in a matter of seconds. surly that is true for 86,400 seconds!
i sent my little sister and her hubby a gift for their anniversary that i believe will change their lives for the better. to thank me, they prayed for me. it was an awesome prayer and i really enjoyed having the blessing spoken over my life. this is a year of transition for me. i don't know exactly what i'm transitioning to at this point, i just know it's happening. as as this month comes to an end and a new month begins, i find myself wanting more and more to welcome the best that life has to offer with open arms. today might have been crappy but tomorrow could be totally different. and in a good way. you just really never know what tomorrow will bring so i guess that's why they say "what a difference a day makes." seriously, your entire life can change in a matter of seconds. surly that is true for 86,400 seconds!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
moving on
life is not about the destination it's about the journey right? that's what they tell us. no one has a straight path to follow and all of us will experience some bumps, potholes, hills, mountains, valleys and deadends. sometimes i feel like my road is full of deadends but then i have to remember it's about the journey not the destination.
i can look back over the many years of my life and see that i have had so many victories i can't count. i have had so many successes that sometimes i forgot what losing looks like. but we do all lose at some point. lately it feels like i've been losing more than winning but i know it's just temporary. i'm not a loser!
so the things i've been praying about and working to accomplish will have to manifest and i hope soon. let's be clear, no one likes losing. but there are lessons in a loss just as there are lessons in a win. i've done a lot of growing in the last few years as i've explored my current state in life. but i can say with all honesty now is a good time for moving on!
i can look back over the many years of my life and see that i have had so many victories i can't count. i have had so many successes that sometimes i forgot what losing looks like. but we do all lose at some point. lately it feels like i've been losing more than winning but i know it's just temporary. i'm not a loser!
so the things i've been praying about and working to accomplish will have to manifest and i hope soon. let's be clear, no one likes losing. but there are lessons in a loss just as there are lessons in a win. i've done a lot of growing in the last few years as i've explored my current state in life. but i can say with all honesty now is a good time for moving on!
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