you can't stop my shine

i was sitting at my desk today thinking about some of the changes that have taken place in my life just this week. yes i know it's only tuesday but some stuff has turned around! i've been praying for an attitude change in me. i was miserable and i think i was making other people miserable. no one wants to be around a miserable person. heck i couldn't stand my self! but god has caused my countenance to change and other things have changed. it's like the entire atmosphere is ignited with change. and i'm grateful.

so as i sat at my desk working on some seo stuff i said to myself, you can't stop my shine, you can't knock my grind and you can't block what's mine! not really sure why that popped into my head but there it was clear as day. people say pregnant women have a glow about them. so do people in love. i guess i'm both. i'm in love with a god who loves me even when i'm miserably unlovable and i'm pregnant with vision. i've been able to refocus and recenter myself lately to remember what gifts god placed in me and exactly what that means for my future.

i started this year off thinking about my vision for my future. i've always been consumed by planning for my future, ever since i was a little girl. i mean i actually wrote out my life plan at 12. i was extreme, but i was serious. i've accomplished most of the things in that life plan. as they say in black america, ain't nobody got a thing on a woman with a plan! i've been revisiting my plan. some incomplete things actually left me feeling incomplete and as a result, i was all in my feelings. i seriously needed to be in somebody's sensitive corner! but my time with god lately has been on point. i've been open to getting healed in some areas, allowing the holy spirit to shine light in some other areas and submitting to the process that god has asked me to complete.

it's never easy saying yes to god because there is a price to be paid. usually, it's getting our own way. as humans, we're selfish and we like getting our way. but you can't have healthy relationships if you always want your way and have a fit when you don't get your way. i'm a middle child and i'm used to not getting my way, but i was also used to being invisible. that's a whole different story and one day i'm going to truly write about how devastating it is to feel invisible to everyone around you. in fact, it's one of the areas that i'm still healing from. the light was shined in that area and i'm willing to do the work.

but tonight i got a great word from god as i was basking in his presence. sometimes you just have to sit and soak! as i was soaking i got psalms 37. i read the entire chapter but versus 5-9 and 23-24 stood out. but verses 5 and 6 took my breath away. here god is directly saying he will cause me to shine. are you serious!!!!? i promise i can't make this stuff up. god is dope!!!! he speaks to exactly what concerns us and what is on our hearts. i honestly feel like god is causing me to shine. that can mean many different things but ultimately, it means i'm the apple of his eye - always! i fall short so much but he loves me anyway. and when he corrects me, it hurts but i line back up because his hand on my life sustains me. i know many don't feel that way and it breaks my heart. but better is one day in his court than a thousand elsewhere. who else is going to love you unconditionally? who else is going to welcome you back time after time even when you have broken their heart? who else is going to work all things for your good as you walk with him? i only know one, my abba, father, god. that gives me joy. and my joy makes me shine.

Insomnia is for suckers

i'm laying in my bed, it's midnight, i have a 5:30 gym appointment in the morning and i can't sleep! since i've been up since 5am i should be beyond sleepy. and i'm definitely sleepy. but i can't sleep. hate when that happens. i've turned down the heat, flipped the pillow, changed positions and even drank a glass of warm milk. all to no avail. i'm wide awake with some seriously tired eyes and a strong desire to sleep.

but there are some things on my mind that I guess are keeping me up. for starters, i got buyin on the project i'm working on and i'm excited to implement it! i have a vacation in a week where i hope to soak up some sun! i'm going to be able to see my friend while I'm there after worrying that i wouldn't. and on top of that we had a great conversation today and i need to learn to chill. but that's a side note since it's not keeping me awake. i guess i'm really excited about things. but excitement or not, this beauty needs her rest. sleep why has thou forsaken me?

isn't it ironic

i've noticed recently that my life is extremely ironic. irony is defined as coincidental and unexpected. yep, that sums things up nicely.

for instance, i'm headed to atlanta next week for easter. my friend and love of my life (i'm working on it!) lives about 90 minutes away. we've talked in the not so distant past about me coming to visit and i really want to see him. but we've not communicated regularly the last month. he checks in but he always talks about how busy he is. he moved 3 months ago, bought a house and is trying to get settled in. i don't know what is keeping him so busy but it definitely hurts my feelings a little - and some days more than a little - that he doesn't feel i'm worthy of more frequent phone calls, even if it's just for a short time. sigh. anyway, i would love to see him but i'm not going to visit him and as of right now, i'm not even sure i should tell him i'm going to be in his neighborhood. mostly because i'd be devastated if i told him that i wanted to see him and he was too busy to see me. the whole trip came about because i'm in desperate need of a break from seattle. my bestie was heading to atl for easter to visit our friend and suggested i tag along. at first i was against it because if i'm going to make a trip down there i would definitely want it to be to visit him. but since we've hardly talked in the last few weeks i'm kind of laughing (KIND OF) at the irony of me traveling to his neck of the woods and not seeing him. i've never even been to atl and when he moved the only reason i would have conceived of going was to see him! and i miss him so much. irony!

on my job, i've been pushing for us to explore the glorious world of social media because i love social media, i love communications technology and i love interactive marketing. they are areas that i excel in and it makes sense that my company would capitalize on my knowledge. plus it makes sense for a communications company to communicate! but they are deadest against it. so i started looking for new opportunities in that area. the irony is that i have to show proof of success in that area in order to secure a new job in that field. sigh. thankfully i have opportunities to do freelance work in this area, which i'm doing now, but at the end of the day it's no job without experience and current job won't let me get the experience. irony.

i keep shaking my head because i can't believe how ironic things are right now. but i'm moving forward with the belief that things will get better. if i continue to focus on what's important and channel my energy in the right direction, i know i'll see the changes i've been praying and waiting for. i'm steady on the grind because i need change like i need air to breathe. and no amount of irony is going to slow me down. or maybe that's another ironic event - i'm feeling the makings of transition and i have no idea what form it will take, but i'm moving forward anyway. don't know for sure. but isn't it ironic?

in the zone

i spent my weekend working on a project for a friend's business that i hope will create a better community experience for his fans. but i got so much out of the project. i'm a creative person and lately i haven't been letting my creativity juices flowing at their full capacity. who am i kidding. i don't think they've been flowing at all! so this was an opportunity for me to remind myself how talented i am and how much i have to offer.

i worked all weekend and i'm exhausted. but i'm happy. in fact, a friend yesterday told me that i looked different. happier. i thought about it for a while. tried to go over all the things that could be contributing to my aura of happiness. there is the acceptance that i can't change things that are out of my control so i need to do my best until things change. there is the improved stomach condition and less pain when i eat. there is the realization that some people in my life are reaching the end of their season and there is the admitting that i was giving people and things too much control over my happiness. as the bible says, the world didn't give my joy to me and the world can't take it away. i had to reclaim my power over my happiness and my joy.

i'm glad that the inner changes are showing on the outside. i'm glad God has caused my countenance to change. i am a happy person and i don't like feeling miserable. i have too much to be thankful for. sometimes you just have to be reminded of how much God has blessed you, how much He loves you and how much He has gifted you to succeed.

there are some things i don't have the power to change. and there are some things that require an act to get in line. i've been working on getting in line because i want things to work.

starting the day off right

i completely forgot to blog yesterday. the plan was to do it when i got home but my head was ITCHING and i had to take out my twists and braids. after doing that, washing and detangling my hair and deep conditioning it i was pooped. i know i turned on john stewart and fell asleep on the awesome glen beck spoof. guess i'll be watching that at some point today. but i'm feeling awful about not blogging yesterday. totally messes up my groove. i was doing so well. shrug. it happens. life doesn't always go the way you plan, right? things come up and you roll with it. but without a plan you'll be doing a whole lot of rolling - or roaming, wandering and meandering - and i'm not down with that. a sistah has a plan. mapped out by God and i'm just trying to fall in step.

i've always been an obedient person. i vary rarely broke the rules because i didn't want to deal with the consequences. but i learned that my over reliance on the rules was a form of bondage for me and learned to let go of that controlling aspect of my life. it was liberating and scary. but i probably got a little carried away. now i'm coming back to the center. i'm refocusing my energy on being who i'm supposed to be and appreciating that i'm made exactly this way for a reason. my purpose is intertwined with my personality. so i'm allowing the bad to be pruned and allowing the good to grow. working on developing my fruits of the spirit and walking in compassion, love and grace. it's not easy because there are always tests, and i hate tests! but i do like to succeed and God said he'd cause me to succeed if i honored him with my life. i can handle that. he's done so much for me.

so i'm getting ready to hit the day with purpose and intention. i have expectations for this day and all i need to accomplish in it. life is good! and from now on i'm planning to live and act like it. i was struggling in the valley of this stage of my life but i realized, the valley is where the growing happens. the valley is where the water is. the valley is where provision is. and when i've gotten that in mind, it'll be time to conquer the mountain so i can see what's next. man, god thinks of everything! now i'm off to start my day. a little yoga first and then a great time planning out my garden and then off to work on a freelance project that i'm more than geeked about. GO GET IT!

challenge

as i type this blog post i am completely beside myself with glee. really. i can barely contain it! i just had a meeting with a friend who started his own business. that in and of itself inspires me. we're the same age. he had the guts to do what so many of us don't. we're stagnant for many reasons and i won't bother chronicling them now because i'm sure you can identify your own reasons for succumbing to laziness, fear, complacency, etc. you know why you have failed to do what you truly desire with your life and no one is to blame but you.

listening to him talk about his baby and watching him light up as he spoke his vision for his business challenged me. the more he talked about being on his grind the more i realized how i had caged the beast in my life. sure i can blame my drought of creativity on my job but in the past, that would just mean i found other outlets. since moving to seattle i've been stagnant in many areas. it's time to step it up. there is greatness in me. i've seen glimpses and sparks in the past but i've allowed the flames to all but fizzle out. that is my fault. i was lazy. but not anymore.

today i got renewed. invigorated. challenged. i am better than what i have been doing. i'm more talented than what i have been showing. i am more hungry than my current situation would show. it's time to do more than just be on my grind. it's time to dream again, dream big! cast the vision. and make it happen. i accept the challenge. now watch me work!

pieces of me

lately i've felt slightly broken. overall things are fine but some moments during some days i feel out of sorts. it's kind of like certain pieces of me are having a bit of trouble fitting with the big picture. that means there are some things God is trying to perfect in me and it HURTS. sigh. i've never been a fan of pruning but i guess no one is, right? i'm trying not to fight it but it's your first instinct. when someone starts cutting you, you instinctively reach out to slap them away.

since my arms aren't anywhere close to being long enough to box with God i'm trying to surrender to the process. i definitely don't want to prolong it any further. i'm not a fan of the pain. i'm not a fan of things not working either. so, gotta do what i gotta do.

in the meantime, i struggle with the reality that many things i've hoped to happen by this time haven't. some people that have been a part of my life seem to be exiting stage left. many of my deepest desires have gone unaddressed. and most of the fight has left me. after you've done all you can, you just stand? maybe lean? some days i'm not sure i have the strength to do either. what are you trying to pull out of me? what is the transition that lies ahead? i want to be ready. ironic that i named this blog i'm gonna be ready. that means the preparation process must be adhered to. i swear i'm prophetic without even thinking about it! smh.

i do want the best. i want all the good and perfect gifts. i'm not interested in counterfeits or artificial flavorings. i want the real deal. i'm pretty sure i'm waist deep - maybe chest deep - in dirt and crap right now. fertilizer? i've been growing without even realizing it lately. that's a good thing. but growing uncontrolled leads to death. time for the pruning. ouch. i welcome you as my gardener. the master gardener of my life. if anyone can pick up the broken pieces of me and put the picture back together it's you. just give me the strength to feel perfectly safe during this process. help to not be anxious for anything. help me to rest along the still waters. only you can. only you know what the final picture is supposed to look like. i want to be ready for my close up.