this year i made a decision to be open to love. it's a simple thing to say but trust me it's no easy feat. we have a lot of things that interfere with our ability to be open to love. past relationships, past hurts, internal fears and lies, insecurities and sometimes just the obstacles of life can prevent us from being open. but i managed to be open to love and in seven months i have fallen in love and had my heart broken.
that wasn't exactly how i saw things going when i decided to be open to love back in december of 09. at 31, i felt like it was time for the "magic" to actually happen. i've certainly watched enough people my age and younger find what i desperately wanted. nothing could have convinced me back then that i wouldn't be successful. but alas, i'm seven months into the year, heading into the eighth month and still without love.
i did manage to find a wonderful man who was a great match for me. we shared the same vision, mission, passion and interests. not that we were clones of each other, but i could certainly be myself and he seemed to be attracted to all of that. it didn't happen right away. i mean, i certainly felt something -- not quite sure what to call it -- the night we met. i walked away feeling like i had just met someone i wanted to be in my life. but we went out, hung out and got to know each other. he made me laugh, he danced with me, he engaged my mind and i genuinely enjoyed being in his company.
it wasn't all roses by any means, but i was happy. i'm a generally happy person and i love life, being with him added to that. several people told me i was glowing and that i seemed happier. but in the end he broke my heart. after seven months of getting to know him and spending time with him, i walk away empty handed. i have mixed emotions about that. i don't regret being open. but i'm seriously tired of being empty handed.
that is my frustration with the process of "finding" love. everyone tells you it's out there and you want to believe that it is because of course there is someone who will add to your life and love you the way you love them. we weren't created to be alone and as a christian, i've always believed that i had a helpmate out there somewhere. i don't believe in one perfect soul mate but i do believe that it's rare to find someone that "gets" you the way he seemed to get me. it's disappointing and frustrating and the ultimate suckage. i thought he was my 42. (if you're not a geek, i'm sorry. i pity you and i advise you to look up the reference as i won't be educating you at this time.)
he wants to be my friend. why? because, in his words, i'm an awesome person and he enjoys being around me. of course i'm awesome! you aren't telling me anything i don't already know. but my question is why should i allow you access to me as a friend? i'm not of the belief that women and men can't be friends, but why would i want to continue to hang out with someone whom i found plenty of reasons to love but he doesn't seem able to say the same? doesn't sound like grounds for a good friendship. besides, i didn't date him for his friendship. i dated him because i thought we could have more than friendship. i was wrong.
so now i have 4 months left in this year (since august is a few days away) and i wonder if i'll be successful at achieving my goal. in a sense i was open to love and i managed to fall in love. but he didn't love me back and that amounts to failure. a lot can happen in a year and since the year isn't over maybe there are great things in store for me. i hope so because i'm seriously tired of being empty handed when it comes to love. why is it so hard?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
somthings are worth the risk
i like to joke that i'm a cautious adventurer. i enjoy the thrill of discovering new things and exploring new worlds but i'm extremely calculated in the adventures i seek. i'm a risk taker to an extent and then i revert to the safety and comfort of a plan. i am a planner and i'll always be a planner. but i'm learning that somethings in life are worth the risk.
life is full of all kinds of opportunity and you really never know what you're going to get. sometimes things work out just fine for you and other times it ends less than favorably. sometimes you experience great success and other times you have to trudge forward through defeat. but at the end of the day, the life worth living is the one actually lived. and what is life without risks?
people always say no pain no gain, but it's pretty much the truth. you risk getting hurt if you open your heart to love. you risk getting rejected if you go for that dream job. you risk failing if you try something that has never been done before. but there are lessons to be learned through it all and if you ask me, gaining life experience and becoming self-aware is far more valuable than the average person realizes.
life is full of all kinds of opportunity and you really never know what you're going to get. sometimes things work out just fine for you and other times it ends less than favorably. sometimes you experience great success and other times you have to trudge forward through defeat. but at the end of the day, the life worth living is the one actually lived. and what is life without risks?
people always say no pain no gain, but it's pretty much the truth. you risk getting hurt if you open your heart to love. you risk getting rejected if you go for that dream job. you risk failing if you try something that has never been done before. but there are lessons to be learned through it all and if you ask me, gaining life experience and becoming self-aware is far more valuable than the average person realizes.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
focus on what's important
i have strong opinions about what my life should look like from year to year. it has been hard at times to swollen the bitter pill of reality when things don't quite measure up to the vision in my head. when i feel like i've fallen short, i have a hard to focusing on the things that are truly important. thankfully, God reminded me to get back to business.
if you read my sporadic posts (i make no apologies for not posting regularly) you know i've talked opening about finding and falling in love. i've also talked about it not going quite as planned and picking up the pieces and moving on. i haven't talked much about reconciling the disappointment of not hitting the mile marker that i set with the reality that most things in life can't be planned.
i'm a work in progress but i am beginning to accept that not only is life messy, it's unpredictable and requires understanding, flexibility and ingenuity to survive. and survival looks different for each of us. some of us just want to keep our heads above water. some of us want to float in the waves. some of us want to soar above it all. me? i just want to continue to intentionally live life like it matters - i matter, my actions matter, my legacy matters.
that requires me to focus on what's important. for me, loving God's people is important. i hate to see people hurting and it blesses my heart to be able to help those around me in need. i don't have to know you, i just have to know God and accept that His greatest commandments were to love and serve Him and love and serve His people. if i can keep myself focused on that reality, i can stop comparing myself to others and the fantasy of what i always expected my life to be like at this stage.
i'm very happy with who i am and where i am but i can't deny that i fully expected to be married with children by now. i'm not even close. but life so far has been a wild ride that i would not change. i've loved, lost, laughed, lounged, listened and longed for things. but at the end of the day i've lived. i don't ever want to stop living. and part of the process is to focus on what's important.
if you read my sporadic posts (i make no apologies for not posting regularly) you know i've talked opening about finding and falling in love. i've also talked about it not going quite as planned and picking up the pieces and moving on. i haven't talked much about reconciling the disappointment of not hitting the mile marker that i set with the reality that most things in life can't be planned.
i'm a work in progress but i am beginning to accept that not only is life messy, it's unpredictable and requires understanding, flexibility and ingenuity to survive. and survival looks different for each of us. some of us just want to keep our heads above water. some of us want to float in the waves. some of us want to soar above it all. me? i just want to continue to intentionally live life like it matters - i matter, my actions matter, my legacy matters.
that requires me to focus on what's important. for me, loving God's people is important. i hate to see people hurting and it blesses my heart to be able to help those around me in need. i don't have to know you, i just have to know God and accept that His greatest commandments were to love and serve Him and love and serve His people. if i can keep myself focused on that reality, i can stop comparing myself to others and the fantasy of what i always expected my life to be like at this stage.
i'm very happy with who i am and where i am but i can't deny that i fully expected to be married with children by now. i'm not even close. but life so far has been a wild ride that i would not change. i've loved, lost, laughed, lounged, listened and longed for things. but at the end of the day i've lived. i don't ever want to stop living. and part of the process is to focus on what's important.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
sometimes i get a little crazy
my life has been a little on the interesting side lately. honestly, the past month and a half has kicked my tail and ways i don't even want to begin to describe. and it's kept me away from writing because i needed to process and realign some things. actually, i have been writing, i just haven't been sharing. and you know what they say, "sharing is caring."
i've learned a few new things about the process of falling in love. the wrestling with the fears that keep your guard up; the back and forth conversation you have with yourself about whether or not your feelings are real; the up and down battle with doubt that you're in it alone or imagining things. i'm telling you, it can be a doozy. my emotions have probably run the entire spectrum of euphoric nirvana to can't eat heartbreak. it's enough to make a sane person feel a little less sane.
but at the end of the day i've come to realize that "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is a true statement. the joys and pains of it all can teach you so much about yourself and life in general. it's a journey and sometimes it works out in your favor, sometimes it doesn't. either way, i know i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! and for the record, i'm definitely in love. hehehehe
i've learned a few new things about the process of falling in love. the wrestling with the fears that keep your guard up; the back and forth conversation you have with yourself about whether or not your feelings are real; the up and down battle with doubt that you're in it alone or imagining things. i'm telling you, it can be a doozy. my emotions have probably run the entire spectrum of euphoric nirvana to can't eat heartbreak. it's enough to make a sane person feel a little less sane.
but at the end of the day i've come to realize that "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is a true statement. the joys and pains of it all can teach you so much about yourself and life in general. it's a journey and sometimes it works out in your favor, sometimes it doesn't. either way, i know i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world! and for the record, i'm definitely in love. hehehehe
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
i'll be free to love you somewhere
wow. i am so amazed by what falling in love can do to a person! the giddy laughter, lightness of heart, pure joy and excitement at the prospect of seeing the person. it's all laughable when you think about it. yet, the feelings are so intense that people actually fall in love with the idea of being in love! i never understood before. i've been in love. once. it ended badly. we won't walk down that road. but nothing about that experience made me in a hurry to relive it.
yet here i am asking God and the universe to send me love that knocks me off my feet. and you know what? it's a pretty amazing feeling. who knew? well, i guess hollywood since they keep selling us the idea of kismet love in romcom after romcom. and then there are the fairytales who knew about the power of love. the point is that until now, i never did. the funny thing is that despite it ending badly the last go around, i have no fear about experiencing it now. it really can end horribly! i could end up crying my eyes out for weeks or months. i could be so distraught that i stop eating. i could spend an entire year reliving the experience. but even knowing that doesn't change my desire to fall in love. it might be dumb to admit this in a public forum but i'm already there. you can be witnesses to the fact that i am definitely in love. kind of seems like a roller coaster if you read the previous posts but i decided to stop letting the fear of rejection and unrequited love keep me from admitting my feelings now.
he might not be the one for me but trust me when i say i'm enjoying every bit of the time we spend together right now. he makes me laugh. we have great conversation. we have enough in common to spend a lifetime enjoying. we share a world view. we dream in a like manner. and we want a lot of the same things. i'm happy when we're together and i miss his smile and his voice when we're a part. i'd say i probably have it pretty bad. but i'm not ashamed of it anymore. in fact i'm enjoying it completely. and what's the crime in that?
yet here i am asking God and the universe to send me love that knocks me off my feet. and you know what? it's a pretty amazing feeling. who knew? well, i guess hollywood since they keep selling us the idea of kismet love in romcom after romcom. and then there are the fairytales who knew about the power of love. the point is that until now, i never did. the funny thing is that despite it ending badly the last go around, i have no fear about experiencing it now. it really can end horribly! i could end up crying my eyes out for weeks or months. i could be so distraught that i stop eating. i could spend an entire year reliving the experience. but even knowing that doesn't change my desire to fall in love. it might be dumb to admit this in a public forum but i'm already there. you can be witnesses to the fact that i am definitely in love. kind of seems like a roller coaster if you read the previous posts but i decided to stop letting the fear of rejection and unrequited love keep me from admitting my feelings now.
he might not be the one for me but trust me when i say i'm enjoying every bit of the time we spend together right now. he makes me laugh. we have great conversation. we have enough in common to spend a lifetime enjoying. we share a world view. we dream in a like manner. and we want a lot of the same things. i'm happy when we're together and i miss his smile and his voice when we're a part. i'd say i probably have it pretty bad. but i'm not ashamed of it anymore. in fact i'm enjoying it completely. and what's the crime in that?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
love her like she wants to be loved
i happily purchased the new vivian green cd today. it's called beautiful and i have to say the title song is in fact beautiful. the girl has so much talent and i've been a fan since day one. let her make her way to seattle for a show and i guarantee that i'll be in the audience vibing with my girl. but the reason of this post is the lyrics to the song beautiful. she says something about loving her like she wants to be loved. wow. what a concept. to not only know how you want to be loved but to actually have someone love you that way!!!!
i don't know how i want to be loved to be honest. i want to be loved for who i am and not who i can become. i want to be loved inspite of my flaws and shortcomings. i want to be loved completely by the man that i love back. it doesn't seem like too much to ask and yet most people seem to find the process of finding love difficult. i'm in that category. i haven't found love though i'm actively pursuing it. but when i find it, i hope i have a clear understanding of how i want to be loved and that i'm able to communicate that. and i hope that my guy can say that i love him the way he wants to be loved as well. it is a two way street afterall.
i don't know how i want to be loved to be honest. i want to be loved for who i am and not who i can become. i want to be loved inspite of my flaws and shortcomings. i want to be loved completely by the man that i love back. it doesn't seem like too much to ask and yet most people seem to find the process of finding love difficult. i'm in that category. i haven't found love though i'm actively pursuing it. but when i find it, i hope i have a clear understanding of how i want to be loved and that i'm able to communicate that. and i hope that my guy can say that i love him the way he wants to be loved as well. it is a two way street afterall.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
hitting the bottom
the thing about falling is that at some point you reach the bottom. if you have ever fallen before you know that the landing can break you. i took a spill on my roller blades last summer and broke my arm. it hurt like hell! thankfully i had drugs to manage the pain while i recovered. i haven't been back on my roller blades since that day. honestly, i'm a little afraid of falling again.
for me, falling in love is a lot like that spill i took on my roller blades. i was coasting along just fine enjoying the feel of the wind in my hair and the fresh air against my face. then out of no where i lost my balance and crashed to the ground. when i finally picked myself up i was broken and in pain.
it's not that i was in love but it was definitely moving in that direction. but the dtr (define the relationship) conversation didn't really go as planned. his words were just like that damn rock that got caught in my wheels and brought me crashing to the ground. i won't repeat them here because, well, this is a public forum and i'm talking about a private pain. and unlike when i broke my arm, i don't have a pill i can take to make it hurt less. i get the wonderful privilege of feeling every single bit of hurt that comes with the realization that you and the person you were seeing are not on the same page.
of course i'm in good company as many people find themselves in this same spot. it doesn't make it suck any less. the icing on the cake is that yet again, i got to hear the words, "i think you're amazing and i want to keep being friends." right. because everyone woman is dating a guy so they can just be friends. yep. falling can really suck. but i don't regret one minute of it. while i have yet to strap on my roller blades after taking a fall, i refuse to stay out of the love game just because i got hurt. some people are happy to spend the rest of their lives alone. i'm not one of those people. i thought he was a great fit for me. and maybe he was. but it didn't work out so i strap up and get back out there.
the right guy for me is out there and he's going to be ready for love and all that it brings. i just wish the search was not as difficult as it's proven to be over the years.
for me, falling in love is a lot like that spill i took on my roller blades. i was coasting along just fine enjoying the feel of the wind in my hair and the fresh air against my face. then out of no where i lost my balance and crashed to the ground. when i finally picked myself up i was broken and in pain.
it's not that i was in love but it was definitely moving in that direction. but the dtr (define the relationship) conversation didn't really go as planned. his words were just like that damn rock that got caught in my wheels and brought me crashing to the ground. i won't repeat them here because, well, this is a public forum and i'm talking about a private pain. and unlike when i broke my arm, i don't have a pill i can take to make it hurt less. i get the wonderful privilege of feeling every single bit of hurt that comes with the realization that you and the person you were seeing are not on the same page.
of course i'm in good company as many people find themselves in this same spot. it doesn't make it suck any less. the icing on the cake is that yet again, i got to hear the words, "i think you're amazing and i want to keep being friends." right. because everyone woman is dating a guy so they can just be friends. yep. falling can really suck. but i don't regret one minute of it. while i have yet to strap on my roller blades after taking a fall, i refuse to stay out of the love game just because i got hurt. some people are happy to spend the rest of their lives alone. i'm not one of those people. i thought he was a great fit for me. and maybe he was. but it didn't work out so i strap up and get back out there.
the right guy for me is out there and he's going to be ready for love and all that it brings. i just wish the search was not as difficult as it's proven to be over the years.
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