today i wanted to scream

i would scream if i thought it would make a difference. today, i just broke down. it came out of nowhere and was a reminder of how incredibly tired i am of this. i'm not complaining. i'm not angry. but i'm tired.

i want to scream because i wonder if maybe god just doesn't hear me. i think about hopping in my car and driving to some remote parking lot and just letting go. the idea makes me feel better. i'm not sure the actual act would. i don't think not hearing me is the problem.

today i was just overwhelmed with the sheer pain of it all. and i wondered if maybe god wasn't able to feel my pain. could he possibly understand how much i hurt to be this alone? to feel such a huge void in your heart that you know was created to be shared and filled by someone important?

i wondered if he understood how scared i was that this would be my reality forever. i've had a few conversations with people under 30 lately who have taken small jabs. maybe they didn't realize they were making jabs. but one said if you're over 30 and still single, maybe it's you. i'm sure screaming then definitely wouldn't have helped. only made me look crazy - like something is wrong. nothing is wrong with me. or the  other women i know waiting and seeking love.

i can't speak for them. but i'm tired. i didn't do anything wrong. i didn't put career before love. i didn't isolate myself and give off a "fuck you" attitude. i didn't belittle the men around me and make them feel worthless. and yet, i'm over 30 and still waiting.

today i just broke down. i was minding my own business washing my hair and it crept up, from deep inside my soul. that pain that i soothe and quiet by quoting scriptures and making affirmations and speaking faith. but today, that wasn't enough. today the pain was overwhelming and i couldn't keep it from boiling to the surface. today i wanted to scream because i wanted to make sure god heard me and understood how much i hurt. how tired i am. how much i desire to NOT live like this.

i know he hears. i just wonder when he's going to answer. when is the waiting going to stop? a scripture isn't enough. an affirmation isn't enough. a story about holding on isn't enough. i'm just so tired.