Aw those were the words my dear cousin spoke to me when we discussed marriage. She asked me how do you know you want to be married? I should have asked her how did she know when she decided to get married a decade ago but I didn't. I didn't say anything because I was shocked that my "happily" married cousin couldn't understand why her 33 year old single cousin would want to be married. And then she further Insulted me by saying marriage is work. No shit Sherlock. If it were easy I doubt the divorce rate would be 50%! She also said I need to do first things first and how could I talk about marriage and a family when I wasn't in a relationship. "you need to get to know someone first before you start talking marriage.". Oh really? I thought I could go pick someone out at the husband store and have a happy ending.
I'm still kind of angry with her for that conversation. And I'm angry with my other cousin for shitting on my personal preferences and beliefs and I'm angry at my brother for saying I don't know why you bother arguing with her as if I somehow did something to deserve this attack on my desire for love, marriage and family. I chose not to say anything because I was tired of all the damn arguing. My family was supposed to be coming to visit and have a good time. Instead I am left hurt and with no desire whatsoever to see or talk to them any time soon. I haven't forgiven them for being so rude and hurtful. Those things they said really hurt because my one desire above all else is to have someone to share my life with - to build a family with and grow old with. And to say I obviously don't want it because I don't choose their way!!! It's insane. We are not the same. The way she runs her house is completely at odds with how I run mine. I would never marry a man I couldn't worship with and there is no way in hell I'd raise an agnostic child and be okay with it. But I didn't call her a bad mother or wife. Because that's her choice and she can do whatever she wants in her house.
As I lie awake at 2am still crushed from that conversation and those words I realize I should have said something. I don't know what it is about me that keeps me from saying when someone's words have hurt me. I tend to just let it slide and move on. But the truth is moving on takes a while. I'm awake hurt by what happened and they probably haven't even thought about it again. They certainly aren't welcome back in my house but it will take some time before I welcome them back in my life.
And I have to find a healthy way to express myself without being hateful. That was the problem in the past. I didn't know how to fight back without doing real damage. I want to fight fair. I don't want to destroy people just because I'm angry. But saying nothing isn't working. Not sleeping isn't working.
It's so crazy because I was so excited to see them. After 4 years of living here my cousins were finally coming. This was not the experience that I wanted. We had some good moments but those moments aren't keeping me up at night. I guess I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.
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