i missed my blogging date last night because i was busy skyping with my bestie about life and how the place we find ourselves today, at this very moment (last night of course) was so not funny we couldn't help but laugh. in fact, i'd say somethings in our life are so not funny, they are the exact opposite of funny. and yet, after crying, screaming, and lamenting about it all, we found ourselves laughing!
so here's the thing, we are generally happy women who have pursued our educational and career goals without apology. we dance like no one is watching, laugh until our sides hurt, love deeply and completely enjoy life. hey, someone's gotta do it! but at the end of a hard day - a career woman has many of these by the way - it's a reality that we come home to empty houses. some days, that stings more than i'd like to admit.
i joke with my married friends with children that i'll be 40 going to kindergarten for the first time while they are dealing with teenagers. the thing is that at 32 (i know that's not old, yet) i'm no spring chicken. and since i'm not currently moving toward marriage with anyone, i could very easily be 3 years down the line giving birth. i won't entertain the thought of it being longer. mostly because i really will cry.
it's disheartening at this point. what decisions exactly have led me to this place in life? i'm not the type of career woman who decided to delay a family in favor of career advancement. in fact, i've been more than open to love. it just hasn't found me yet. so in the meantime, i was about the business of living my life. and i live! i travel, i watch and play sports, i enjoy music, i volunteer, i mentor and i socialize on the regular. and when i need downtime, i'm not sure anyone does it better than me!
so, what's a girl to do when she finds herself in a place where most things in her life are going just fine but a few key areas seem distant and out of reach? she laughs to overcome the pain and disappointment. because it's not funny, it's the opposite of funny.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
writers are supposed to write.
i've been feeling guilty about how infrequently i blog because the whole point is to blog regularly. i've never committed to blogging every day but i'm thinking maybe i should. i'm a writer by training. i have both bachelor and master's degrees in journalism. i don't work in the field, per se, but i work in web communications. either way, i'm a writer and writers are supposed to write.
so i want to try to challenge myself to blog everyday. this blog usually includes the most intimate details of my emotional state as i blog about love and things. but i'm sure i could find other things to talk about as there is no shortage of awesome and not so awesome going on in my life at any given moment.
for instance, i'm searching for a new gig because i want more of a challenge. i've also cried more than once in the last few days because i'm single and i desire to be married and eventually moving toward having a family. there is no shortage of things for me to blog about so i'm going to see if i can do it. can i bore you with my life everyday for the rest of this year. i'm sure i can! lol.
so i want to try to challenge myself to blog everyday. this blog usually includes the most intimate details of my emotional state as i blog about love and things. but i'm sure i could find other things to talk about as there is no shortage of awesome and not so awesome going on in my life at any given moment.
for instance, i'm searching for a new gig because i want more of a challenge. i've also cried more than once in the last few days because i'm single and i desire to be married and eventually moving toward having a family. there is no shortage of things for me to blog about so i'm going to see if i can do it. can i bore you with my life everyday for the rest of this year. i'm sure i can! lol.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
counting the cost
i recently made the decision to become completely debt free. i've always known that credit card debt and car debt were bad debts, but most accept student loan debt and house debt as par for the course. i pretty much accepted it too. but i was talking to my friend about tightening up my finances - no they aren't in shambles but we can always be better - and i got to thinking. why should i accept that debt is a way of life, even so-called good debt? especially when i could make the decision to live debt free?
my friend told me about his system and what he does to manage his money and i got inspired. so i signed up for the financial peace university so i can learn how to get cracking on kicking sallie mae out of my house and get in position to buy a house debt free or really close to it!
i'll start by saying facing debt is no easy task. it is hard work depending on the type and amount of debt you have. but it's not impossible. and when you've confronted it and dealt with it, the outcome is worth it. can you imagine what your life would be like without a car payment, house note or student loan? aw, it sounds like bliss to me! and so i began my journey. it's about taking baby steps and i'm just getting started but i'm excited about what my life will be like seven years from now. i've taken a few minutes to count the cost of my life and decided i don't want debt to have any place in it. to celebrate my success, i'm taking a trip around the world.
my friend told me about his system and what he does to manage his money and i got inspired. so i signed up for the financial peace university so i can learn how to get cracking on kicking sallie mae out of my house and get in position to buy a house debt free or really close to it!
i'll start by saying facing debt is no easy task. it is hard work depending on the type and amount of debt you have. but it's not impossible. and when you've confronted it and dealt with it, the outcome is worth it. can you imagine what your life would be like without a car payment, house note or student loan? aw, it sounds like bliss to me! and so i began my journey. it's about taking baby steps and i'm just getting started but i'm excited about what my life will be like seven years from now. i've taken a few minutes to count the cost of my life and decided i don't want debt to have any place in it. to celebrate my success, i'm taking a trip around the world.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
if it isn't love
if it isn't love why do i feel this way, why does she stay on my mind.
those aren't my words but i think they say a lot about the general confusion of what it means to be in love. i'd be the first to admit that deciphering love is a major headache. when does it start? how do you know it when it happens? what does it mean when you love someone? it's nerve wrecking.
the thing is that being in love means different things at different stages of your life. young love, or puppy love, is very real, it just doesn't stand a chance of lasting. puppy love is about the butterflies and the rapidly beating heart and the sweaty palms that all surface when the object of your love appears. it is the giggling girl or the nervous boy that can't stop thinking about you and can't image being without you. it's talking on the phone for hours without saying anything at all and then daring each other to hang up first when your parents put the kibosh on that three hour phone call. it's intense and irrational and doomed for failure. but it's real.
where puppy love is intense, the next stage is downright fairytale garbage. i know some of you believe in fairy tales and i say more power to you. let me know how that works out for you! i find that the fairy tale love surfaces in college or early young adulthood. for us girls, it's all about finding that wonderful man that is going to make our lives complete. the one who is going to take care of us and treat us like the princess we always dreamed of being (if you're into that sort of thing, that is). this love is based in the belief that their is one perfect person for you that will totally make your life worth living. you'll have the perfect marriage, the perfect children, the perfect house and ultimately, the perfect life.
many hours are devoted to making sure your physical appearance matches the ideal woman of your ideal man. in college, it meant focusing as much on getting your mrs as you did on your ba or bs. for those lucky enough to win the prize, it meant a fat engagement ring and marriage soon after college. unfortunately, i've noticed that many of those marriages ended in divorce. there are a number of reasons for this i'm sure. but i'm going to sum it up with unrealistic expectations. your spouse can't complete you. they are only able to complement you. and most people who marry after college are still trying to figure out who they are and what kind of person they want to be. expecting perfection doesn't allow for growth or mistakes.
as we get older, we get a little more realistic about life and love. our expectations change based on our experiences. some people have grown bitter by this stage. thank God i'm not in this category. but i digress. what i've come to discover about love is based on personal experience, observation, God's example and common sense. i am no expert and i don't want anyone to take me for an expert. i'm just a girl who believes every experience can be a teaching moment if we get honest with ourselves and do better next time.
so, here goes. love is accepting people at their worst while praying for them to be their best. it's seeing the greatness that they possess while encouraging them to realize that potential. it's supporting them when things are going wrong and celebrating them when things are going well. it's working as a team to pursue and fulfill your common goals. it's enjoying life together through all it's joys and pains. it's common vision, purpose and passion. it's not wanting to wake up one day without them by your side. it's you wanting to be your best but knowing that you don't have to be perfect to receive their love. it's preferring that person above yourself. it's trusting and persevering and hoping. love is pain as much as it's joy. but most importantly, love has to be unconditional.
i have witnessed a lot of people in love at different stages of their life. at the end of the day, the only thing i know is that i want to be loved by someone who accepts me the way i am and celebrates that God made me this way. i want to be loved by someone who believes that i can do great things and pushes me to achieve rather than tears me down. i want to be loved by someone who is passionate about me, who looks at me like i'm the only person in the room who's captured his eye. i want to be loved by someone who wants me as his partner to build our future together. i want to be loved by someone who trusts me to take care of him and raise our babies and take care of our home even if i don't always get it right. i want to be loved by someone i can trust to lead our family in the right direction - the way God instructs - so we can be blessed. i want to be loved by someone who understands that the world is bigger than what we see outside our window and we have a role to play in improving that world. and i want to be loved by someone who is excited to join in this adventure called life with me because when he thinks of his future, he can't see it without me by his side. if it's not like that, it isn't love.
those aren't my words but i think they say a lot about the general confusion of what it means to be in love. i'd be the first to admit that deciphering love is a major headache. when does it start? how do you know it when it happens? what does it mean when you love someone? it's nerve wrecking.
the thing is that being in love means different things at different stages of your life. young love, or puppy love, is very real, it just doesn't stand a chance of lasting. puppy love is about the butterflies and the rapidly beating heart and the sweaty palms that all surface when the object of your love appears. it is the giggling girl or the nervous boy that can't stop thinking about you and can't image being without you. it's talking on the phone for hours without saying anything at all and then daring each other to hang up first when your parents put the kibosh on that three hour phone call. it's intense and irrational and doomed for failure. but it's real.
where puppy love is intense, the next stage is downright fairytale garbage. i know some of you believe in fairy tales and i say more power to you. let me know how that works out for you! i find that the fairy tale love surfaces in college or early young adulthood. for us girls, it's all about finding that wonderful man that is going to make our lives complete. the one who is going to take care of us and treat us like the princess we always dreamed of being (if you're into that sort of thing, that is). this love is based in the belief that their is one perfect person for you that will totally make your life worth living. you'll have the perfect marriage, the perfect children, the perfect house and ultimately, the perfect life.
many hours are devoted to making sure your physical appearance matches the ideal woman of your ideal man. in college, it meant focusing as much on getting your mrs as you did on your ba or bs. for those lucky enough to win the prize, it meant a fat engagement ring and marriage soon after college. unfortunately, i've noticed that many of those marriages ended in divorce. there are a number of reasons for this i'm sure. but i'm going to sum it up with unrealistic expectations. your spouse can't complete you. they are only able to complement you. and most people who marry after college are still trying to figure out who they are and what kind of person they want to be. expecting perfection doesn't allow for growth or mistakes.
as we get older, we get a little more realistic about life and love. our expectations change based on our experiences. some people have grown bitter by this stage. thank God i'm not in this category. but i digress. what i've come to discover about love is based on personal experience, observation, God's example and common sense. i am no expert and i don't want anyone to take me for an expert. i'm just a girl who believes every experience can be a teaching moment if we get honest with ourselves and do better next time.
so, here goes. love is accepting people at their worst while praying for them to be their best. it's seeing the greatness that they possess while encouraging them to realize that potential. it's supporting them when things are going wrong and celebrating them when things are going well. it's working as a team to pursue and fulfill your common goals. it's enjoying life together through all it's joys and pains. it's common vision, purpose and passion. it's not wanting to wake up one day without them by your side. it's you wanting to be your best but knowing that you don't have to be perfect to receive their love. it's preferring that person above yourself. it's trusting and persevering and hoping. love is pain as much as it's joy. but most importantly, love has to be unconditional.
i have witnessed a lot of people in love at different stages of their life. at the end of the day, the only thing i know is that i want to be loved by someone who accepts me the way i am and celebrates that God made me this way. i want to be loved by someone who believes that i can do great things and pushes me to achieve rather than tears me down. i want to be loved by someone who is passionate about me, who looks at me like i'm the only person in the room who's captured his eye. i want to be loved by someone who wants me as his partner to build our future together. i want to be loved by someone who trusts me to take care of him and raise our babies and take care of our home even if i don't always get it right. i want to be loved by someone i can trust to lead our family in the right direction - the way God instructs - so we can be blessed. i want to be loved by someone who understands that the world is bigger than what we see outside our window and we have a role to play in improving that world. and i want to be loved by someone who is excited to join in this adventure called life with me because when he thinks of his future, he can't see it without me by his side. if it's not like that, it isn't love.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
getting my life in order
i stopped making new year's resolutions a long time ago. instead i created a three to learn, three to try list for each year. i think about the things i want to add to my life because the moment you stop learning, you stop living. and i think about some new things i want to try. these lists can include all kinds of things and they usually do!
last year i wanted to try falling in love, learn to snowboard, try learning a foreign language and try playing in a recreational sports league. last year was a good year. i only managed to not complete two things and those things carried over into this year. so what made the list this year you wonder?
my three to learn: save more, a programming language, play the guitar
my three to try: performing a poem on stage, a cooking class, join a writing group
so, we're well into the first month of this first year of a new decade and i'm excited about the prospects. i'm hoping to continue on the love journey even though it didn't make the list this year and i really want to finish and publish a successful book this year. but i'm looking forward to taking life as it comes. learning to flow in God, in love, in life.
last year i wanted to try falling in love, learn to snowboard, try learning a foreign language and try playing in a recreational sports league. last year was a good year. i only managed to not complete two things and those things carried over into this year. so what made the list this year you wonder?
my three to learn: save more, a programming language, play the guitar
my three to try: performing a poem on stage, a cooking class, join a writing group
so, we're well into the first month of this first year of a new decade and i'm excited about the prospects. i'm hoping to continue on the love journey even though it didn't make the list this year and i really want to finish and publish a successful book this year. but i'm looking forward to taking life as it comes. learning to flow in God, in love, in life.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
give it up, turn it loose
the power went out at work today and left us with no internet connection. as the web girl it means i’m sitting at my desk with nothing to do but listen to the music in my itunes library and blog. so, i hit the shuffle button and leaned back to enjoy whatever tunes blasted through my earbuds. what did i get but an old favorite by en vogue!
“fact of life, love can often hurt you. leaving scares on this life.” i actually don’t know what that last bit says because i can’t quite make it out but i will say that the first part is spot on! life is this crazy mix of all kinds of awesome and awful, miraculous and monstrosity, triumph and tragedy. you can be up one day enjoying the view from the top of the world and at the bottom the next with the world on top of you. things can change in the blink of an eye. it’s impossible to truly know what tomorrow brings. i used to spend a lot of time trying to plan tomorrow. thankfully i’ve learned to give that up. now, i just plan for tomorrow, no matter what it brings.
i make no secret of not being completely happy with how things have turned out in my life. overall things are great and i have little room to complain. but there are some very key areas that i saw going differently in my life plan. i just turned 32 and while i still look and feel fabulous, i was sure i’d be like many of my other friends and trading stories of what life was like before the kids came!
not only have the children not arrived, the husband has completely eluded me. it doesn’t quite make sense to me as i’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do if you want to get married. i look and dress the part, i stay busy and active, i’m healthy and financially secure and i get out there and meet people to increase my chances of connecting with a great man. so what’s the problem? i don’t know but i’m making it a point in the coming year to give it up and turn it loose. there is clearly no formula for success as people have found and lost love in all kinds of ways. my new motto is if i can’t control it, i can’t worry about it. i want to spend the next year of my life living worry free. it seems like a seriously daunting task as my nature as a planner includes worrying about things that lack a solution.
but no more. at least, i’m going to try to release my need to control and plan for it all. i was somewhat successful at this in 2010. i want to take it to the next level in 2011. so, say it with me ladies; GIVE IT UP, TURN IT LOOSE!
“fact of life, love can often hurt you. leaving scares on this life.” i actually don’t know what that last bit says because i can’t quite make it out but i will say that the first part is spot on! life is this crazy mix of all kinds of awesome and awful, miraculous and monstrosity, triumph and tragedy. you can be up one day enjoying the view from the top of the world and at the bottom the next with the world on top of you. things can change in the blink of an eye. it’s impossible to truly know what tomorrow brings. i used to spend a lot of time trying to plan tomorrow. thankfully i’ve learned to give that up. now, i just plan for tomorrow, no matter what it brings.
i make no secret of not being completely happy with how things have turned out in my life. overall things are great and i have little room to complain. but there are some very key areas that i saw going differently in my life plan. i just turned 32 and while i still look and feel fabulous, i was sure i’d be like many of my other friends and trading stories of what life was like before the kids came!
not only have the children not arrived, the husband has completely eluded me. it doesn’t quite make sense to me as i’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do if you want to get married. i look and dress the part, i stay busy and active, i’m healthy and financially secure and i get out there and meet people to increase my chances of connecting with a great man. so what’s the problem? i don’t know but i’m making it a point in the coming year to give it up and turn it loose. there is clearly no formula for success as people have found and lost love in all kinds of ways. my new motto is if i can’t control it, i can’t worry about it. i want to spend the next year of my life living worry free. it seems like a seriously daunting task as my nature as a planner includes worrying about things that lack a solution.
but no more. at least, i’m going to try to release my need to control and plan for it all. i was somewhat successful at this in 2010. i want to take it to the next level in 2011. so, say it with me ladies; GIVE IT UP, TURN IT LOOSE!
Friday, November 12, 2010
i know how to make my dreams come true
there is a popular quote you might have heard that goes a little something like this, those who can, do .... i won't finish because i vehemently disagree with the second half of the quote. and basically it's unimportant. the point is that if you can, you do. if you can't, you don't. but how true is it?
right now i'm eager to make a few things happen in my life. and i keep hearing if you put it out there, it will come back to you. as if somehow me just wanting something to happen is going to make "the universe" conspire with me to make it happen. sounds a little too hocus pocus when you put it that way. but i believe there is some truth to it.
i am a christian. i don't apologize for it and i don't care to argue with anyone who disagrees with my belief that jesus christ is the son of God and the savior of the world. (yes superman totally ripped jesus' persona off, but i love him anyway!) as a christian i believe that my words are life giving and when i speak a thing, that word goes out and is accomplished. but there must be action on my part beyond speaking what i want. i have to do something to make it happen.
so as i think about the changes i want to see in my life, i make a plan to make my dreams come true. i know that it requires me to meet people and learn things and attend events and WORK! the universe doesn't care if i'm happy or unhappy. i have to make my own happiness. i have to go out and make my dreams come true. and the more i put it out there and back it up with action, the more likely it is to happen.
that is not to say things will always work out the way you want them to. on the contrary, a lot of things in my life have had completely different end results than i predicted. like me being single at 32! but that is the great thing about life. your story is being written until you take your last breath. and if you're lucky and lived right, your story is being told long after you're gone.
the year is quickly drawing to a close and i have to say there are some key steps i need to take to make my dream of advancing my career now a reality. i will be spending the next few weeks on the grind, so to speak, until i see the fruits of my labor. i'll be honest, i do know how to make my dreams come true, and right now, i'm about to get busy so you can see it happen!
right now i'm eager to make a few things happen in my life. and i keep hearing if you put it out there, it will come back to you. as if somehow me just wanting something to happen is going to make "the universe" conspire with me to make it happen. sounds a little too hocus pocus when you put it that way. but i believe there is some truth to it.
i am a christian. i don't apologize for it and i don't care to argue with anyone who disagrees with my belief that jesus christ is the son of God and the savior of the world. (yes superman totally ripped jesus' persona off, but i love him anyway!) as a christian i believe that my words are life giving and when i speak a thing, that word goes out and is accomplished. but there must be action on my part beyond speaking what i want. i have to do something to make it happen.
so as i think about the changes i want to see in my life, i make a plan to make my dreams come true. i know that it requires me to meet people and learn things and attend events and WORK! the universe doesn't care if i'm happy or unhappy. i have to make my own happiness. i have to go out and make my dreams come true. and the more i put it out there and back it up with action, the more likely it is to happen.
that is not to say things will always work out the way you want them to. on the contrary, a lot of things in my life have had completely different end results than i predicted. like me being single at 32! but that is the great thing about life. your story is being written until you take your last breath. and if you're lucky and lived right, your story is being told long after you're gone.
the year is quickly drawing to a close and i have to say there are some key steps i need to take to make my dream of advancing my career now a reality. i will be spending the next few weeks on the grind, so to speak, until i see the fruits of my labor. i'll be honest, i do know how to make my dreams come true, and right now, i'm about to get busy so you can see it happen!
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