tomorrow is my birthday and for the last five years i've had the same wish. i know they say if i tell you it won't come true so i'll give you a hint. it involves me spending the evening with a very special person and laughing and dancing and enjoying great food, conversation and company. you can probably guess what i've been wishing for! sadly each year that wish goes unanswered. not sure how i manage to not secure this particular event on my birthday but i will be honest and say the unfulfilled wish is getting old. i mean really!
i have once again made my wish and i hope it comes true. i'm closest to it happening this year than any year in recent history. it would be nice to actually get what i want for once. my friends and family always make sure i have a great birthday each year. but what my heart desires is something my friends can't give me and the absence of it has gotten harder to accept as the years pass.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
popping the question is serious business
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| check out the whole comic here: http://leighgallagherart.blogspot.com/2010/11/message-for-niki.html |
a lot of women think about the moment when their honey dip will ask their hand in marriage. they fantasize and romanticize the moment in their minds and hope that he lives up to all their expectations. it's no wonder guys feel so much pressure about how to ask their lady to walk down the aisle.
the art of proposing has grown to new heights in our rapidly changing digital age. gone are the days of getting down on one knee at the park or slipping a ring in the dessert after a romantic dinner. no you have to get downright creative. and i don't mean asking for the ladies hand in marriage on the jumbotron at a sporting event or concert. i'm talking about programming a video game that asks for her hand in marriage. or crafting an elaborate web comic to pop the question.
i for one never gave it much thought. i'm a planner but believe that i need a non-planner to balance me out. i don't want the SITC charlotte proposal where she ends up popping the question herself. but it doesn't have to be a big production. i hope my honey takes clues from my personality and does something that fits who we are to each other. i'm more than a little geeky so comics and video games could be a part of it. so could cosplay. but really, any geeky reference will do. i've acknowledge that my journey to find love ends with me finding my 42. only a geek will understand the significance of that number. and it's my hope that my boo will understand the significance of personality when choosing how he asks me to spend the rest of my life loving him as his wife.
i don't think that's too much to ask for. do you?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
let's get this show on the road
it's once again time to celebrate the glorious occasion of my birth. let me start by saying that i LOVE my birthday. i consider it to easily be the best day of the year and it's a national holiday. score! because my birthday is toward the end of the year, i use it as an opportunity to reflect on what has happened in my life the current year and what i want to see happen in the coming year. yep, i get all introspective and stuff.
i enjoy doing internal check-ins with myself to make sure i'm staying on track with my goals, plans, dreams, etc. this year has been pretty interesting in all areas of my life. the area that seems to occupy the most thoughts, and is the theme of most of these posts, is my love life. i'm proud to say that it's not completely non-existent, but it's no where near what i was expecting for this year. i'm not fully disappointed but i'm far from happy/content with how things are looking. the year isn't over yet so we will see what happens. for now, just now i think it kind of sucks.
so looking to the coming year of life, as i get older and wiser, i expect things to be different. i know that a person who doesn't expect much won't be disappointed. so my expectation is always high that not only will my heart's desires be granted, they will also be exceeded. i'll be honest though, keeping hope alive isn't always easy. some days i get downright weary because i don't enjoy being single as much these days. i believe there is a season for it and my season is quickly drawing to a close.
let's hope i'm not on the wrong page this time because i'm ready for love. i'm ready to build a life with someone. i'm ready to get this show on the road!
i enjoy doing internal check-ins with myself to make sure i'm staying on track with my goals, plans, dreams, etc. this year has been pretty interesting in all areas of my life. the area that seems to occupy the most thoughts, and is the theme of most of these posts, is my love life. i'm proud to say that it's not completely non-existent, but it's no where near what i was expecting for this year. i'm not fully disappointed but i'm far from happy/content with how things are looking. the year isn't over yet so we will see what happens. for now, just now i think it kind of sucks.
so looking to the coming year of life, as i get older and wiser, i expect things to be different. i know that a person who doesn't expect much won't be disappointed. so my expectation is always high that not only will my heart's desires be granted, they will also be exceeded. i'll be honest though, keeping hope alive isn't always easy. some days i get downright weary because i don't enjoy being single as much these days. i believe there is a season for it and my season is quickly drawing to a close.
let's hope i'm not on the wrong page this time because i'm ready for love. i'm ready to build a life with someone. i'm ready to get this show on the road!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
my love life is still being written
most of us are familiar with the love formula presented in fairy tales. we grew up immersed in the culture of "girl in distress is rescued by handsome boy wonder who whisks her away from her problems to a beautiful castle where she is free to live happily ever after" that fairy tales promote. if i took a survey right now, i'm sure no one would describe their love story in quite those terms. actually, i doubt anyone's story would be even remotely close to the fairy tale.
my own personal love story has been disastrous! i haven't fallen in and out of love more times than i can count. i haven't had my heart broken over and over again. i haven't had a parade of men in and out of my life. to the contrary, i've only loved two men, rarely dated in my adult life and only truly been heartbroken once. but it is the lack of a love life that leads me to label the whole thing disastrous. how many adult women do you know have dated so little? don't answer that. it might be more embarrassing for me than i want to acknowledge!
but i'm not completely discouraged by the state of my love life. i mean, yeah, i would prefer to have a social calendar that includes date nights and romantic dinners as well as late night movies and lots of tv watching and video game marathons, but it's not all gloom and doom. i've come to the conclusion that despite what things look like on a day to day level, my love story is still being written.
i'd love for it to skip to the juicy parts but i am nevertheless happy that it is still being crafted each day. i don't want a fairy tale ending. i just want to be loved by the man i love, work each day to protect and grow that love, raise a healthy and happy family together and be that old couple you see walking down the street holding hands. i guess that is kind of fairy tale-ish. we're led to believe that kind of love doesn't happen anymore. i'm banking that it does and when my love story is complete, you'll see it first hand!
my own personal love story has been disastrous! i haven't fallen in and out of love more times than i can count. i haven't had my heart broken over and over again. i haven't had a parade of men in and out of my life. to the contrary, i've only loved two men, rarely dated in my adult life and only truly been heartbroken once. but it is the lack of a love life that leads me to label the whole thing disastrous. how many adult women do you know have dated so little? don't answer that. it might be more embarrassing for me than i want to acknowledge!
but i'm not completely discouraged by the state of my love life. i mean, yeah, i would prefer to have a social calendar that includes date nights and romantic dinners as well as late night movies and lots of tv watching and video game marathons, but it's not all gloom and doom. i've come to the conclusion that despite what things look like on a day to day level, my love story is still being written.
i'd love for it to skip to the juicy parts but i am nevertheless happy that it is still being crafted each day. i don't want a fairy tale ending. i just want to be loved by the man i love, work each day to protect and grow that love, raise a healthy and happy family together and be that old couple you see walking down the street holding hands. i guess that is kind of fairy tale-ish. we're led to believe that kind of love doesn't happen anymore. i'm banking that it does and when my love story is complete, you'll see it first hand!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
teach me how to love
to say that love is hard is an understatement. it's a roller coaster of a ride that takes you to depth defying heights and gutter lows. it tests your resistance and resilience. it places you in positions that require a constant fight or flight reflex on a regular basis. love is work! and no wonder when so many of us never learned how to love.
we were never taught the importance of preferring someone over ourselves. we didn't learn to listen first and ask questions later. we weren't instructed in the art of being quick to forgive and repair what's broken. our lessons in love have fallen far short of the true compassion that is necessary for a relationship to be successful.
i realize i am guilty of not really knowing how to love. i know how to fall in love but i need to learn how to stay in love. because when stuff gets hard, and it will, the gushy stuff won't be enough. there will be days when the person i say i do to is the last person i want to see. how do you stay in love on those days? how do you push through the hard stuff to make sure your love lasts?
i don't think anyone wakes up saying they want to get divorced and yet we find it common place in our society. i don't want to be part of the brokenness. i want to be an example for the success of love. i want my love story to be forever. so, i'm taking time in my singleness to learn how to love.
i'm learning how to forgive and walk in compassion and exercise patience and pick my battles and chose peace over fighting.
i wonder how many others need to take up the walk. how many singles are interested in being taught how to love?
we were never taught the importance of preferring someone over ourselves. we didn't learn to listen first and ask questions later. we weren't instructed in the art of being quick to forgive and repair what's broken. our lessons in love have fallen far short of the true compassion that is necessary for a relationship to be successful.
i realize i am guilty of not really knowing how to love. i know how to fall in love but i need to learn how to stay in love. because when stuff gets hard, and it will, the gushy stuff won't be enough. there will be days when the person i say i do to is the last person i want to see. how do you stay in love on those days? how do you push through the hard stuff to make sure your love lasts?
i don't think anyone wakes up saying they want to get divorced and yet we find it common place in our society. i don't want to be part of the brokenness. i want to be an example for the success of love. i want my love story to be forever. so, i'm taking time in my singleness to learn how to love.
i'm learning how to forgive and walk in compassion and exercise patience and pick my battles and chose peace over fighting.
i wonder how many others need to take up the walk. how many singles are interested in being taught how to love?
Friday, September 10, 2010
it's not you, it's me
i have come to the conclusion that i internalize way too much. when it comes to relationships, i tend to take a lot of responsibility for when things go wrong. i am very aware that i can be an "interesting" person to be in relationship with. just ask my family and friends! i imagine a romantic relationship would be in the same boat. i say imagine because, let's face it, i haven't had one to speak of so i'm going by the laws of common sense.
i have had a few friendships that ended badly over the years. actually, now that i think about it, it's really only been two friendships. both from college although one was undergrad and one was grad. i wonder where those ladies are and what they are up to from time to time but i don't think my life is necessarily missing something now that they are out of my life. but those two relationships taught me a thing or two about myself.
taking responsibility for one's actions is a cornerstone value of mine. maybe it's because i was raised in a single parent home by a mother who worked her ass off taking care of my brothers and i because my father just refused to take responsibility for his actions. a person who doesn't own up to what they have done gets no slack from me. so, when i mess up -- and i do on a regular -- i admit it. i believe that makes for a healthy me and a healthy relationship with others.
but there are times when i've taken responsibility for things that really weren't my doing. why? for the sake of keeping the peace? because i wanted to fix whatever was wrong? not really 100 percent sure why i do it but i'm willing to bet it has a lot to do with me thinking that i have so many flaws i have to be the cause of bad relationships.
the truth is, we are all flawed and just like i make mistakes, others do too. the other person might just as easily be the cause of the problem as i am. i know the saying, "it's not you it's me" has become a joke of sorts in the romantic relationship category but there is truth to it at times. sometimes the other person is just screwed up and no matter what you do, you can't overcome their issues. why automatically assume you're the one with the problem?
i am working on my issues on a regular basis. i happen to think i'm a good person and i would do anything for the people i love and care about. sometimes i hurt them unintentionally and sometimes i can be flat out bitchy when i don't want to be bothered. that definitely makes me human! yet, i've managed to cultivate amazing, lifelong friendships with amazing people. i guess it's part of the give and take of relationships. but some relationships are unhealthy or just not meant to be.
when you wake up and realize you are always taking responsibility for the things that go wrong in the relationship whether you are or not, or you give constantly and they take without end, it might be time for you to realize there is a problem. maybe they are right when they say, it's not you it's me.
i have had a few friendships that ended badly over the years. actually, now that i think about it, it's really only been two friendships. both from college although one was undergrad and one was grad. i wonder where those ladies are and what they are up to from time to time but i don't think my life is necessarily missing something now that they are out of my life. but those two relationships taught me a thing or two about myself.
taking responsibility for one's actions is a cornerstone value of mine. maybe it's because i was raised in a single parent home by a mother who worked her ass off taking care of my brothers and i because my father just refused to take responsibility for his actions. a person who doesn't own up to what they have done gets no slack from me. so, when i mess up -- and i do on a regular -- i admit it. i believe that makes for a healthy me and a healthy relationship with others.
but there are times when i've taken responsibility for things that really weren't my doing. why? for the sake of keeping the peace? because i wanted to fix whatever was wrong? not really 100 percent sure why i do it but i'm willing to bet it has a lot to do with me thinking that i have so many flaws i have to be the cause of bad relationships.
the truth is, we are all flawed and just like i make mistakes, others do too. the other person might just as easily be the cause of the problem as i am. i know the saying, "it's not you it's me" has become a joke of sorts in the romantic relationship category but there is truth to it at times. sometimes the other person is just screwed up and no matter what you do, you can't overcome their issues. why automatically assume you're the one with the problem?
i am working on my issues on a regular basis. i happen to think i'm a good person and i would do anything for the people i love and care about. sometimes i hurt them unintentionally and sometimes i can be flat out bitchy when i don't want to be bothered. that definitely makes me human! yet, i've managed to cultivate amazing, lifelong friendships with amazing people. i guess it's part of the give and take of relationships. but some relationships are unhealthy or just not meant to be.
when you wake up and realize you are always taking responsibility for the things that go wrong in the relationship whether you are or not, or you give constantly and they take without end, it might be time for you to realize there is a problem. maybe they are right when they say, it's not you it's me.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
you are the prototype
i recently had a guy friend ask me what kind of man i like. i know, you're thinking i laid out my list in great detail so he was clear about the exact kind of man i'm looking for, right? wrong. he asked the question and sadly i had no clear answer.
truth is, i'm still in the process of discovering what kind of man i want. i blame my lack of dating experience as the main culprit. but i also acknowledge that i'm still evolving as a woman and learning new things about myself. as i've gotten older i have come to realize some things aren't that big a deal to me and others are an absolute deal breaker!
at the heart of my man wish list are four simple things: love God, love me, love life, love people. but that can come in all kinds of packages! my friend's question made me realize i haven't decided on the packaging just yet. or at least, i thought i hadn't.
although my dating experience is limited, i've loved two men in my life. surprisingly, they are very similar. both are engineers, former marines, oldest children, patient, super geeky, funny, conversationalist and easy to be around. i know people say that we all have a "type" but until recently i didn't know i actually did.
i can say with complete honesty that both were hubby material to me, though i've no doubt i'd be happier with the most recent love interest. in fact, he's the one i was pretty sure was "the one". you know, the one you think was sent into your life because he was created just for you? okay, let's back up for a second. i don't believe in a soul mate by any means. i just wanted to make sure we were on the same page when i said "the one". honestly, i think the chemistry i have with him is stronger than any force i've ever felt with another human that i wasn't a, born related to or b, introduced to as a child.
i met him on a random night at a random event and i walked away saying to myself (don't laugh!!!) "i think i just met the man i'm going to marry!" it was crazy and irrational and insane. yet, that is exactly what i thought. so after all that has transpired between us, i sum up our relationship with the lyrics to a wonderful song by andre 3000.
i hope that you're the one but if not you're the prototype. if i don't spend the rest of my life with him -- and it's just as likely i won't as it is i will all things considered -- i can say with certainty i want someone like him. i want all the great things that make him so lovable as well as the chemistry that make him irresistible to me. so, if he can't be the one i spend the rest of my life loving, he can serve as the prototype!
truth is, i'm still in the process of discovering what kind of man i want. i blame my lack of dating experience as the main culprit. but i also acknowledge that i'm still evolving as a woman and learning new things about myself. as i've gotten older i have come to realize some things aren't that big a deal to me and others are an absolute deal breaker!
at the heart of my man wish list are four simple things: love God, love me, love life, love people. but that can come in all kinds of packages! my friend's question made me realize i haven't decided on the packaging just yet. or at least, i thought i hadn't.
although my dating experience is limited, i've loved two men in my life. surprisingly, they are very similar. both are engineers, former marines, oldest children, patient, super geeky, funny, conversationalist and easy to be around. i know people say that we all have a "type" but until recently i didn't know i actually did.
i can say with complete honesty that both were hubby material to me, though i've no doubt i'd be happier with the most recent love interest. in fact, he's the one i was pretty sure was "the one". you know, the one you think was sent into your life because he was created just for you? okay, let's back up for a second. i don't believe in a soul mate by any means. i just wanted to make sure we were on the same page when i said "the one". honestly, i think the chemistry i have with him is stronger than any force i've ever felt with another human that i wasn't a, born related to or b, introduced to as a child.
i met him on a random night at a random event and i walked away saying to myself (don't laugh!!!) "i think i just met the man i'm going to marry!" it was crazy and irrational and insane. yet, that is exactly what i thought. so after all that has transpired between us, i sum up our relationship with the lyrics to a wonderful song by andre 3000.
i hope that you're the one but if not you're the prototype. if i don't spend the rest of my life with him -- and it's just as likely i won't as it is i will all things considered -- i can say with certainty i want someone like him. i want all the great things that make him so lovable as well as the chemistry that make him irresistible to me. so, if he can't be the one i spend the rest of my life loving, he can serve as the prototype!
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